NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

BEATRIX

All right, how’s everyone feeling? I know it’s been a rough couple weeks of travel, but everybody feeling okay? Everybody–

ROBERT

Actually, it is a little hard carrying all the bags. Just wanna point that out again, everyone.

BEATRIX

But look at the muscles you’ve built, Robert.

CAPTAIN

Wow, Robert, you actually look very good and ripped right now.

ROBERT

Really? Oh, thanks.

BEATRIX

It’s not just ’cause your clothes are ripped. It’s ’cause your muscles are ripped.

AL

I think I have a new vote for strongest person in the group.

ROBERT

Oh, okay. All right, yeah, I’m good. I’m just gonna load up, ha ha.

BARTY

I don’t know why he didn’t opt to use the, you know, automatic cargo thing that I built. It’s been following us this whole time.

BEATRIX

He needs purpose.

BARTY

I thought it was for the muscles.

ROBERT

(straining to lift some gear)

Okay, all right, I got it.

What did you bring, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Oh, you know, just the necessities. A few essentials.

ROBERT

There’s four bags.

CAPTAIN

Yeah, essentials.

ROBERT

Okay, right.

(grunting)

Okay, I got it.

AL

Some people like to have a reason to complain, so we’re actually being good people by giving him a reason to be upset.

ROBERT

Oh, and Barty — Bartholomew — Barty, I can’t remember which.

BARTY

Whatever.

ROBERT

Okay, the bot is still following, so that means we’re on course, right?

BARTY

Uh, yeah.

ROBERT

Okay.

BARTY

No, totally. The navigation system at the front of the cargo container.

ROBERT

At the back.

BARTY

Yeah, the cargo container is at the back of the navigation system, which is at the front of the cargo —

ROBERT

That’s following us.

BARTY

I guess it would be an infinite loop.

Yeah, no, that’s right.

ROBERT

Okay, good.

Okay, March on Beatrix! We’re ready.

BEATRIX

Well, I think we’re only about maybe half a day’s journey from where we’re going, if not less.

ROBERT

Okay.

CAPTAIN

Are you sure you guys don’t wanna maybe take a break? Maybe we could set up camp?

ROBERT

(relieved)

Oh yes! Oh, here we go, setting everything down.

CAPTAIN

We don’t have to do it all in one big trip.

ROBERT

I agree. Oh yeah, no, great idea.

BEATRIX

I mean, we have been traveling for, like I said, a couple of weeks. It’s been nice to sleep outside and kind of show you all the ropes of how I do things around here.

ROBERT

Yeah, it’d be nice if someone wouldn’t mind sharing a tent. I know I bring it up a lot, but you know —

BEATRIX

If you had brought a tent, you would be able to share a tent.

ROBERT

Okay, I’m just gonna make a tent out of these bags.

AL

Honestly, we should just keep moving. I’m incredibly bored. I have no eyes and can’t see anything. And Robert is really bad at explaining stuff, especially when his breathing’s so heavy.

ROBERT

Well, Al, I think maybe we just take a little break, you know. Why don’t you play a game of chess with Barty? Isn’t that what you like to do?

BARTY

I mean, sure, that’s fine.

ROBERT

There we go, right?

BARTY

Camping chess, that’s a thing.

CAPTAIN

Great, so a break it is.

I’m just gonna… just gonna head over there, do some captain stuff, and then… uh, I hope you guys enjoy your chess.

AL

Okay, I guess I can play chess. This is fun too.

ROBERT

Yeah, here. Here’s some rocks. And you can just draw a little grid on the ground. Look, there you go.

BARTY

Oh! Don’t worry, I have a fully equipped chess board in the cargo hold.

ROBERT

Oh. Huh.

BEATRIX

I’ll go get some fresh water.

CAPTAIN

(whispering)

It’s okay.

It’s okay, no one’s gonna hurt you, I’m here.

They’re close, but they’re not gonna find you. Not if I have anything to do with it.

It’s gonna be okay.

BEATRIX

(cheerful)

Captain!

CAPTAIN

(startled)

Oh, hey! Hi!

CAPTAIN

Hey, I didn’t — you really gotta wear a bell or something, Beatrix, you just sneak up on people.

BEATRIX

(laughs)

Don’t say I sneak! I don’t sneak, I’m just quiet in my approach.

CAPTAIN

Oh, right.

BEATRIX

Who were you talking to?

CAPTAIN

Oh, oh, you heard?

I was just talking to, to myself, just going over some Captain, um, protocol.

BEATRIX

Mm hmm.

CAPTAIN

Yeah, nothing you need to concern yourself with whatsoever.

BEATRIX

Captain protocol, huh?

CAPTAIN

(clears throat)

Yeah, yeah, protocol.

BEATRIX

Captain protocol.

CAPTAIN

Yeah.

BEATRIX

Captain.

CAPTAIN

Do you have a problem with me?

ROBERT

Hey, you two!

CAPTAIN

Oh!

(startled laughter)

ROBERT

Hey, I just jogged over. Wow, it’s so easy to jog places now, who knew? Ha ha. Ripped.

I just wanted to know what you guys wanted for dinner tonight.

CAPTAIN

Oh

BEATRIX

I mean, I caught a fish when I was getting some fresh water just now.

ROBERT

Awesome, I’ll take that.

BEATRIX

Here you go.

ROBERT

Well, that’s a strange looking… okay, yeah, thanks.

BEATRIX

You know, just watch out for its snappers. It’s still going.

ROBERT

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, yeah, okay.

Captain… Fish, what would you like with fish this evening?

CAPTAIN

Actually, Bob, I’m not really that hungry. Thank you, though.

ROBERT

Okay, no problem. All right. I feel like I, uh, interrupted something.

BEATRIX

You did!

ROBERT

Oh, okay.

Oh, oh, you want me to go?

BEATRIX

I think that’s what my grimace is implying.

ROBERT

Oh, oh, sorry. Right, right, right, okay.

So, fish… I’ll decide what goes with the fish.

BEATRIX

Maybe chips?

ROBERT

Yeah, chips! It’s a great idea. It’s a great idea. Okay.

CAPTAIN

I think the captain likes chips.

ROBERT

I feel like there’s like a–

CAPTAIN

Bob, could you please give us a minute?

ROBERT

Yeah, sure, understood, ha ha, okay.

AL

Rook… E5.

BARTY

Okay, yeah.

I should warn you, I’ve been reconnecting with my Barty self, right?

AL

Yeah.

BARTY

And I’ve got, my engineering skills are, you know, right on point. I should warn you, this is a chessboard of my own design. And it has an additional feature where every time you lose a piece, it sends a wave through your hand to your brain and causes you to have a profound realization about yourself.

AL

Don’t have hands, don’t have a brain, don’t think this will be a problem.

BARTY

It has a digital component. You’re right, I was speaking figuratively for you, the AI.

AL

Ohhhh, okay. Got it.

BARTY

I’m used to you as, yeah.

AL

Okay, this is great, ’cause honestly, I’m glad you’re reconnecting with yourself. Have you noticed, like, ’cause everyone else is just being a bit too… normal. I think everyone’s just like on the right track and being themselves and thriving. And this has been a really great trip. And it can only get better when we finally reach our destination.

BARTY

Well, that’s interesting. I wonder how you feel about that when I take that rook.

CAPTAIN

Okay, Beatrix. So-called Beatrix.

It’s obvious that you know some things that you probably shouldn’t know. Okay?

BEATRIX

(gasps)

What are you talking about? I am a naive scout who enjoys being delightful —

CAPTAIN

Okay, cut the bullshit, alright?

I just need to know that you’re not gonna fuck this up for me.

BEATRICE

Well, I need to know you’re not gonna fuck this up for me.

CAPTAIN

Oh, don’t do that.

BEATRICE

Don’t do what?

CAPTAIN

If this is the game you wanna play, we can play it, Beatrix.

BEATRICE

You thought I wouldn’t find you?

CAPTAIN

What’s that supposed to mean?

BEATRICE

Please.

I’ve been watching you for weeks.

Poor little Beatrix comes back into the base and finds me.

I just have a couple of things to ask you before we take you back there.

CAPTAIN

What did you do with her?

BEATRICE

You remember the base.

CAPTAIN

What did you do with her?

BEATRICE

It doesn’t matter.

CAPTAIN

It matters what I’m going to do with you.

ROBERT

Hey guys, I just jogged over. Heh.

I got this weird fish squid thing that’s sort of stuck to one of my arms. I was hoping one of you could, sorry I know you’re in a game, could just help me get it off, it’s sort of painful.

Uh… Anyone? I guess it just has to be you, Barty, because…

BARTY

Yeah.

AL

No hands, no brain.

ROBERT

Right.

BARTY

No, I…

Bob, I thought that having the positive traits of two personalities would… would enhance me, you know? But —

ROBERT

Right.

BARTY

If I’m two people, can I be a full, complete person?

ROBERT

I really could use some help getting this squid thing off my — ow! Oo! Just pull on one of the legs, maybe?

BARTY

What am I really capable of?

ROBERT

Please — Al, any ideas here? It’s sort of eating me.

(grunting)

AL

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be happy.

ROBERT

OK, OK, I’m going to get a blaster.

CAPTAIN

OK, everyone pack up, break’s over, we’re going to get going.

AL

Uh — what?

CAPTAIN

Pack up. The break’s done. Come on. Call it a tie, whatever the game is. We have to go now.

AL

Oh, God, I feel like I was on the just on the cusp of figuring myself out, really, but OK, let’s go!

ROBERT

Hey, guys, I still got this thing —

What’s going on? Why are you all packing up?

CAPTAIN

The break is over, so get the luggage, put them on your muscles and calves, and let’s go.

ROBERT

I sort of lost an arm to this squid thing. It’s sort of on, I can’t get it off.

CAPTAIN

Oh yeah, I thought something was different. But either way, that’s not a priority right now.

ROBERT

Okay, okay, right. Oh, we don’t have Beatrix! We can’t go without Beatrix, ha ha.

CAPTAIN

I really don’t think that’s necessary. I think we can go.

ROBERT

What?

BARTY

Why?

CAPTAIN

Captain’s orders, we’re leaving without her. Let’s go, now.

AL

Someone pick me up! Captain’s orders! Someone pick me up and start walking.

ROBERT

Okay, I’ll go try to get what bags I can. I’m gonna have to pick and choose.

BARTY

Captain, strictly speaking, I’ve never recognized your authority to give orders.

And I don’t think I want to leave without Beatrix.

CAPTAIN

I’m sorry, are you defying my orders right now?

ROBERT

That was what I was trying to explain.

AL

(beeping; whispers)

Insubordination!

CAPTAIN

I have the power to fire you, Bartholomew.

AL

(gasps)

ROBERT

Right, and that would be quite the threat, once again, if I recognized your authority over the operation to, you know, hire and fire and so on. It’d be like if you started a job as, you know, like say, as a garbage person, right? And then someone else gets hired in head office, right? But they didn’t actually get hired. They were just, you know, someone who’s like a family member of the boss who kind of hangs out a lot. And then they say, you know, “I don’t like the way you do your job and you’re fired, Barty/Bartholomew. But I could still keep doing my job as long as their family member was cool with it.

You see what I’m saying here? You’re the family member in the scenario.

CAPTAIN

I didn’t catch any of that. But at this point, you have to choose between me or Beatrix, and that choice you make depends on–

BEATRICE

I don’t think you’re gonna have to make that choice, Bartholomew.

AL

This is a mutiny, oh my god!

ROBERT

Hey guys, I just heard an AC-97 plasma rifle.

BEATRICE

Everybody shut up.

CAPTAIN

(in pain)

It’s not her, it’s not her, no one listen to —

BEATRICE

I’m not who I say I am?

(laughs)

Well, maybe we should be asking Captain here some more questions.

BARTY

I–

BEATRICE

Bartholomew, throw me some tape.

BARTY

Beatrix, as much as I didn’t want to take orders from Captain, I’m hesitant to take this order from you as well.

BEATRICE

Bartholomew!

BARTY

…Is it for a good reason?

CAPTAIN

(muffled)

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

ROBERT

Ohhh! The AC-97 laser rifle shot the Captain! Ha ha…

Oh.

AL

This is one of the worst things that’s ever happened!

BEATRICE

Bartholomew. Tape.

BARTY

Uh… Okay…?

AL

Stop! Don’t do that!

BEATRICE

(grunting)

Get it on your mouth! And around your arms…

BARTY

But that’s… oh.

AL

Oh no… Oh, this is quite violent. This is traumatizing.

ROBERT

Can I have the AC-95 rifle, please?

BEATRICE

I don’t think that’s a good idea, Robert.

In fact, I think everyone’s just going to sit tight for a minute while I deal with our so-called Captain.

ROBERT

Okay.

AL

This would be such a great time for me to have hands and a brain!

ROBERT

Well, uh… I guess we’re setting up camp again?

BEATRICE

Oh, we’re not setting up camp. No, we’re going to where I’ve been leading us. We’re going to where the Captain’s been trying to not take us.

CAPTAIN

(enraged grunting)

BEATRICE

Shut up, you!

ROBERT

No, I’m down an arm and I don’t think I can carry the Captain and all the bags, actually, um…

BEATRICE

Put it in the compartment bot.

ROBERT

What do you mean compartment bot?

BEATRICE

There’s been a bot that can carry everything and we just haven’t wanted to tell you because we haven’t wanted to make you feel like an idiot.

ROBERT

Oh, you mean the navigation bot that’s following behind us?

BEATRICE

Yes.

BARTY

With the big cargo hold at the back, I’ve been referring to the cargo component of the navigation and cargo bot…?

BEATRICE

I’m just tired of putting up with all of this positive bull, okay?

We have a place to go and I am taking us there because I need to show you all the truth, okay? So let’s just start walking, unless someone else wants to get shot.

AL

I don’t think that this is Beatrix.

CAPTAIN

(grunting)

BEATRICE

What makes you think it’s not me, Al?

AL

It’s… It’s the yelling.

ROBERT

The only person I know who cocks a laser rifle like that, I haven’t seen in a very long time.

BARTY

(huge realization)

Ohhh!

AL

Well.

BARTY

Oh!

ROBERT

Miss Brass, if you’d please explain yourself, what’s going on here?

BEATRICE

Well, I guess the ruse is up.

We aren’t going to explain anything until we get to the base.

ROBERT

We’ve been traveling away from the base.

BEATRICE

Not that base.

ROBERT

Oh. Okay.

BARTY

She’s way more badass than I remember her.

ROBERT

I don’t think she really actually liked to leave the base. Well, I guess that’s changed.

BEATRICE

A lot has changed, Robert. Nice to see you. Last time I saw you, you had the butt of a gun in my face.

ROBERT

Director Tinsley, actually.

No, I– Robert’s fine, actually.

BEATRICE

That’s enough, okay? That’s enough. If I don’t have to play this ruse anymore, then why don’t we just get going, huh? Why don’t we all just get going? Because there’s a lot you don’t know.

CAPTAIN

Uh-uh…

BEATRICE

What did I just say?

ROBERT

Okay, I’m gonna just drag the Captain back to the cargo–

BEATRICE

You’re not touching her.

ROBERT

Okay.

BEATRICE

I’m the only one who’s gonna guide this… “Captain”.

ROBERT

Okay, I’ll just pick you up, Al. We’ll go load the bags in the cargo bot. Okay… With my two arms. ‘Cause the fish thing.

AL

The mean one’s back.

BEATRICE

I’m only mean because it meant I could survive.

BEATRICE

Nice to see you, Barty, Bartholomew…

BARTY

Yeah, whatever, it’s fine.

You know, I would say nice to see you. Um, it’s a new social situation for me.

BEATRICE

(hollow laugh)

BARTY

And that laugh makes me think that maybe your comment wasn’t entirely sincere.

BEATRICE

Lots changed since I saw you last, Bartholomew.

BARTY

I was dead! What did I do?!

BEATRICE

You really don’t remember?

BARTY

Death?

BEATRICE

No.

BARTY

No, I don’t remember death!

BEATRICE

What happened after? You — it’s not buried in your code somewhere? I thought that you said it was buried — you could resuscitate these things.

When we spoke, you said…

You really don’t remember?

BARTY

I need more to go on.

BEATRICE

We don’t have time, we don’t have time, okay?

I have been building to this for too long, alright? This has been, this has been happening for too long, and I, I just, we need to get to the bottom of this. Just, we need to get to the base, okay? It’ll just be clearer when we get there. I just need us to get there.

ROBERT

Hey, Al, are you hearing me?

AL

(beeps loudly)

Yeah, I’m listening. I’m just processing everything.

ROBERT

Shh, shh, shh, quiet, quiet. We’re not that far away.

AL

Oh.

(beeps as he reduces his volume)

ROBERT

Okay, so… trying to piece this together. So Beatrix is Beatrice.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

Okay, and she’s got a gun.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

She knows how to use it I see his head of security or what used to be…

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

Before I, well, the event that we don’t wanna talk about happened.

AL

Yeah, the murder.

ROBERT

Right.

So, uh… she shot the Captain.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

And she still has the gun.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

And she’s talking to Barty/Bartholomew.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

Cool.

So our choices are, we could run back to the base we know…

AL

Yeah. Yeah!

ROBERT

Or we could follow along and try to save —

AL

Yeah! Yeah!

ROBERT

Shh, okay, okay.

So just one question.

AL

Yeah.

ROBERT

Uh, do you have a gun?

AL

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

KRISTI

Okay, I think we have one more episode to get to the base.

MICHAEL

Yeah, I guess we do. Should I know what you’re talking about?

KRISTI

No!

MICHAEL

Okay.

SEAN

Love it.

KRISTI

It’s improv!

SEAN

But I think mutiny is great too.

KRISTI

Yeah, mutiny was a great call.

SEAN

Yeah, we now have enough, Michael, because of your mutiny comment —

MICHAEL

Did I say mutiny?

PHIL

I said mutiny.

KRISTI

Yeah, it was Al!

PHIL

Fuck you, Sean.

(laughs)

SEAN

Way to go, Michael.

TYRA

Great job!

SEAN

It was an amazing offer, Michael, and we couldn’t do this without you.

PHIL

I quit!