With Beatrix finally back from her harrowing adventure, the crew are overjoyed and absolutely no one is acting weird.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: No suspicion, awkwardness or ulterior motives whatsoever.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
THE BASE
We’re in the doorway of the base, immediately following the end of Episode 10.
BEATRIX
Hey, everybody. Sorry to interrupt you. Looks like you’re going on a mission. Hope it wasn’t to find me because… I’m here.
CAPTAIN
Oh, yeah, yeah, we were actually about to go on a mission.
BEATRIX
Oh, okay. Um… Why don’t- why don’t we go?
CAPTAIN
Don’t you want to get like, settled in first, maybe? You just got here.
BEATRIX
I’m good.
ROBERT
It’s sort of like a need to know thing.
BEATRIX
Yeah, well, I am the scout. And I was in charge of security, I don’t see anyone else who’s stepped up to take that role? So…
ROBERT
it is a valid point… maybe we should just delay the mission a little ’cause I think everyone’s gonna be very excited to know you’re back.
BEATRIX
No, let’s not delay. Let’s just, let’s get going. I’m sure there’s lots to discover.
ROBERT
Well, I mean, Captain, it would be one more person to help me carry all this stuff.
BEATRIX
Oh, we should probably bring everybody.
CAPTAIN
Everybody?
BEATRIX
Let’s bring everybody.
CAPTAIN
I don’t know if that’s necessarily a great idea.
BEATRIX
I’m sure it’ll be fine. Hey, Al?
AL
Hi!
BEATRIX
Hello.
AL
Hi!
BEATRIX
Hi.
AL
Okay, weird, weird energy we’re not gonna talk with Okay, cool. Anyways, hey, what’s up? I’ve been playing chess.
BEATRIX
Oh, that’s nice. I’ve been scouting.
AL
What did you find? Where did you go? What is happening? Where have you been? Did you, maybe, did- what… we need answers, please.
BEATRIX
I’m sure we’ll get to them, that’s for another time, though.
AL
Barty was sleeping in your bed the whole time. And it was weird. And I don’t want to bring it up because it was like weird to me. But I don’t know where your relationship’s at right now. But I thought I couldn’t say anything about it. He was in your bed the whole time. He never turned the rumble feature off.
BEATRIX
Oh Al, you’ve not changed.
AL
I haven’t changed at all, and you have, but again, I guess we’re not going to talk about it. I’m gonna go get Bartholomew he’s gonna probably be more emotional than I am. Wait, just one second.
BARTHOLOMEW
Al!
CAPTAIN
Oh my God. Bargainsale. You came out of nowhere.
AL
I’m overwhelmed.
BARTHOLOMEW
Jeez.
BEATRIX
Hi Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey, Beatrix. Beatrix!
BEATRIX
Hi!
BARTHOLOMEW
Hi.
BEATRIX
Hi.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hi! You wanna, you want to run to each other and hug like we’re meeting in a field? Like in that movie that we watched?
BEATRIX
Oh, no, thank you.
BARTHOLOMEW
Really? Because I’d really like to, do you mind?
BEATRIX
I’m okay with a hug.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, but we’ll run in slow motion.
BEATRIX
Um, why don’t you just run to me, if that’s okay.
CAPTAIN
So, I’m just going to, while you guys have your interesting reunion, I just want to say to all the staff that we’re going to go on a mission, a mission that involves all of us now, apparently, and it’s a mission to my old ship.
ROBERT
Well, this got awkward.
AL
Yeah, he’s hugging her so hard, and she’s not doing anything. She’s just like standing there.
ROBERT
Yeah. Well, I’m just gonna carry this bag outside, you two, you know, get reacquainted.
BEATRIX
We’ll catch up.
AL
Bob, is it okay, if you also carry me on like, the loudspeakers, so I could just kind of perceive the idea of moving through a space?
ROBERT
Yeah, I’ll just put another heavy thing into this bag.
AL
Thank you!
CAPTAIN
Bob, did you remember my air humidifier?
ROBERT
I’ll be back.
CAPTAIN
I need that.
AL
Is air dry?
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, why don’t you come over here with me for a minute?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah!
BEATRIX
We’ll catch up.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, no, what’s been going on with you? There’s been so much here. Can you believe that none of the rest of the crew has commented on the fact that I’ve had significant personality changes,bwhere I’ve sort of become reacquainted with an old version of myself, but I I still have a lot of the, you know, HR Barty that you’ve come to know and love, but I call myself Barty now! That’s one of the personality changes. And I found my mustache a little too prim and proper. Oh my- oh my god, I shaved my mustache!
BEATRIX
I noticed.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, you can see my lip now!
BEATRIX
I can.
BARTHOLOMEW
You always talked about wanting to see my lip.
BEATRIX
It’s a very nice lip.
BARTHOLOMEW
But what’s going on with you?
BEATRIX
I can’t talk about it now. We don’t have enough time. All I can say is I’m here. And I’m sorry.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s okay? What what are you sorry for?
BEATRIX
You’ll find out.
ROBERT
Okay, Al, are you getting me?
AL
Yeah!
ROBERT
Are you picking this up?
AL
Now that we’re all alone. I just think we have to take a moment to discuss what’s happened to Beatrix, and I figured it out and it’s not a problem. She found inner peace. So I think we should all just move on.
ROBERT
Okay. It’s just me and you though, Al, unless, are you speaking to them too right now? I just got disconnected.
AL
No I meant “we all” as in, you know, just kind of like me, and you, and like, the outside air, and like, the gadswatches that run and the small birds that fly.
ROBERT
Okay.
AL
I’m communing with nature.
ROBERT
Wow, cool, well I’m gonna put you in the bag so things might get a little muffled.
AL
(muffled sounds)
ROBERT
I agree with you. It is a little strange. She’s acting a little weird,
AL
(muffled) No, but I think it’s fine.
ROBERT
What?
AL
(muffled) I think I think she found inner peace.
ROBERT
Wait, I’m gonna take you out of the bag.
AL
I think she found inner peace through like, a meditation retreat, or maybe like a long hike. And then she came out into a clearing. And then in the clearing there was an animal with four legs and antlers and they kind of stared at each other and she was like, “why am I so different than you?” And now she’s back in it’s good.
ROBERT
Or she’s infected by an alien.
AL
Alien?
ROBERT
Yeah. There’s a protocol for this. I’m gonna put you back in the bag. I’m gonna go get the protocol.
AL
(muffled sounds)
BEATRIX
So Captain, nice to see you.
CAPTAIN
It’s great to see you too, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew told me you threw me a birthday party.
CAPTAIN
Yes. Yes, I did. I got streamers, balloons. I really went all out. You know?
BEATRIX
Wow. Thank you.
CAPTAIN
Yeah. Anything for my, for my crewmates.
BEATRIX
Anything.
CAPTAIN
So how was your little vacation that you went on?
BEATRIX
Oh, enlightening.
CAPTAIN
Oh, that’s nice. Do some, some meditating?
BEATRIX
You could call it that.
CAPTAIN
Did you find anything? Like in yourself? Or like maybe just out in the wilderness?
BEATRIX
I found a lot of things.
CAPTAIN
Oh, you care to share?
BEATRIX
Oh, when the time’s right. For now, I think we should focus on the mission. I’m sorry, everyone seems to be acting like I’m some sort of different person. I’m just a little tired. Gone a long time.
CAPTAIN
Long time. Yeah. No, of course, yeah, I understand. You’re just tired.
BEATRIX
Everyone seems so suspicious. Just-
CAPTAIN
Suspicious? What? No. Of you? Beatrix. Stop it. C’mon. What? Suspicious? No. You? What? Anyways, I’m gonna go see where the crew is, bye!
ROBERT
Al, are you there? Oh, shit, I put him in the bag.,. Okay, I’ll take this back to the bag. Al? Oh, shit. Where are you? Can’t- I don’t know what those are. Oh, oh. Oh, there you are!
AL
I do not like being in the bag. I don’t understand why I’m being put inside of the bag. I want to, I want to feel like I’m outside and I’m going immediately inside of a bag? And also those cans. They’re, they’re clanking about and it’s really loud.
ROBERT
Okay, well, I was just putting on the bag ’cause you were coming. You wanted to come with us. But here. I’ll set you up here on the table. Okay.
AL
Carry me in your third arm! Use your third arm to carry me.
ROBERT
Okay. Look, I found some protocols. There’s a protocol here for an alien. Something about mist creatures or something, a lot about mist creatures.
AL
I don’t know if we need to look into all this mist stuff. I think it’s just whatever. She’s better or different. And it’s not worse and it’s fine. And she’s just back. So we should stop putting pressure on her or else she’s gonna leave again. Okay? Maybe we should all just like go on a big walk together or something. Instead of trying to like nitpick everyone, like who are you? What are you? What does it mean to even be us? Let’s just like, let’s just, let’s just, let’s just like do it. Come on. Please?!
ROBERT
You want to instigate the walk protocol?
AL
Umm… yes?
ROBERT
Okay Al. I can do that.
CAPTAIN
Hey, Bart Simpson. Can I talk to you about something?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, no. Lay it on me.
CAPTAIN
Yeah. So I don’t know if you’re noticing this, because you’re the closest to Beatrix, but she just seems different. Am I overthinking that or do you see it?
BARTHOLOMEW
She’s been on quite the journey. Right?
CAPTAIN
Of course. Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t know. She kind of reminds me of… someone.
CAPTAIN
Someone?
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t know.
CAPTAIN
It shouldn’t be something I should be too worried about.
BEATRIX
What are you two talking about?
CAPTAIN
Oh my God!
BEATRIX
That was weird. We were having a conversation and you just walked over to Bartholomew going “Ehh… uhhh… eeeeh”
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean that’s so weird, because you could speak just fine when it was just you and I ,but now you’re doing this like “we wa” thing like you described from earlier. So it’s almost like being around Beatrix is causing you to speak in this very disjointed and unusual manner.
CAPTAIN
Waah… eehhhh. naw…
BEATRIX
Look, here comes Bob and; I’m presuming; Al in his third arm. It’s nice that he’s starting to use that.
Bob
Can you see okay? Oh, I should flip you around. Sorry.
AL
I’m staring directly into you.
ROBERT
Woah, almost dropped you. Sorry. There you go. What?
AL
I can perceive temperature and it’s very hot inside of your shirt and it’s gross.
ROBERT
Here. There you go. You’re facing forward. Okay. Hi, everyone.
BEATRIX
All right. Everybody ready? For an adventure?
ROBERT
Yes. We’re going on a walk.
AL
Everyone’s acting so normally, this is great.
CAPTAIN
Yehhhh…
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re still doing it.
BEATRIX
Okay, let’s go.
AL
Everyone’s still standing kind of in the doorway.
BEATRIX
Oh, sorry. It’s just- well, you haven’t really told us what we’re doing yet. Have you, Captain?
CAPTAIN
Oh, oh.
ROBERT
We’re just actually going on a walk. No mission, just a walk. Sorry. change of plans. We’re implementing the walk protocol.
CAPTAIN
That’s right, Bob! A walk protocol. That’s right. An initiative, really, to get us out of the base and into some fresh air. So yes, no mission. No. Who said, who said mission? Bartholomew, why would you say mission?
BARTHOLOMEW
But, I mean, I thought Bob had mentioned that- this will have a substantial impact on the website.
ROBERT
Right. So if someone wants to just be the first one to step out the door… or I could squeeze, maybe, a little- oh, sorry. Watch the arm, sorry, oh, sorry. Excuse me. Just coming through, coming through. Okay. Oh, okay. Look, I’m outside everyone.
AL
We’re outside together. And this is step one of leaving.
ROBERT
Okay, so we’re walking now, I’m just going to start, see just, this is a walk protocol. You just walk like this.
CAPTAIN
After you, Beatrix!
BEATRIX
Oh no, I insist, after you.
CAPTAIN
As the Captain, I believe I should leave the base last, you know, just protocol.
BEATRIX
Leave the base last?
CAPTAIN
So please, after you.
BEATRIX
Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, I could go.
CAPTAIN
No one asked you, okay?
BARTHOLOMEW
I could stay too…
BEATRIX
No, come on, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
All right.
AL
Now three of us are outside and that’s over half.
BARTHOLOMEW
Your narration skills have really been coming along now.
AL
I’m just keeping everyone up to speed on what I’m seeing.
CAPTAIN
I’m just gonna go back in the base really quick and grab something and then I think we’re good to go.
ROBERT
Everyone, we’re gonna warm up, it’s really important when you walk. I’m sure you know this, Beatrice- sorry, Beatrix. You know, everyone needs to bend alright-
BEATRIX
I’m just gonna run inside and drop off my month’s worth of dirty clothes.
ROBERT
But actually it’s part of the war-
BEATRIX
I’ll be right back, you keep going.
ROBERT
Oh… Al, she went inside.
AL
I saw. And now she’s back inside. I’m keeping us up to speed.
ROBERT
But Al, it’s a walk protocol, like the whole idea is to get the potential alien out of the base.
AL
What? I thought you just wanted to take us on a nice walk, like a dog.
ROBERT
No, it’s a walk protocol- even the captain understood.
AL
Wait, are we gonna kill Beatrix?
ROBERT
Wha??? Nooo…
AL
Are you gonna use that gun to kill Beatrix?
CAPTAIN
Where is it, where is it? Dammit… oh gosh. They’re all waiting for me… where did it go? Where is it? Where is it, where is it? Oh thank god.
BEATRIX
Hello Captain.
CAPTAIN
Oh! ah ha. You don’t make footsteps anymore, Beatrix, do you, that’s that’s a fun little quirk you developed, eh?
BEATRIX
You learn something when you’re trying to outrun everything that can eat you in the forest for a really long time.
CAPTAIN
Sense of humor, love it. So, I’m gonna head out… why don’t you join me and we can get this little walking tour on the road, so to speak?
BEATRIX
Sure.
CAPTAIN
Great, great.
BEATRIX
I just wanted you to know that… there’s no hard feelings. I know when I left the base, you know, we weren’t really trusting of each other. But I just wanted to come into private and say it to you that, everything’s fine.
CAPTAIN
Great, yes, that’s right. Everything’s fine.
BEATRIX
And I know that everything’s fine.
CAPTAIN
O… kay. I’m gonna go… you can follow me if you’d like.
BEATRIX
Oh, yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be watching.
AL
So this wasn’t a walk at all, this was a murder.
ROBERT
Noooo… crazy… Barty, we’re just gonna take a walk.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, that sounds plausible. But on the other hand, you’re now doing that Captain voice thing that-
ROBERT
Whaaaaaa…?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, that’s the thing. And it’s suspicious in a certain sense. I think Al’s right. It’s suspicious. That’s the word for it.
ROBERT
Well, there’s a part of the protocol that is definitely just taking a walk.
BARTHOLOMEW
Right. But as Al pointed out, you are doing like all of the clickings and clackings that indicate loading a gun.
ROBERT
This gun here?
BEATRIX
Robert, if you’re going to kill me, you have to be smarter about that.
ROBERT
Whaaa…?
CAPTAIN
Killing you? Whaaa…?
ROBERT
Crazy.
CAPTAIN
Crazy.
BEATRIX
Everyone listen. I know I’ve been gone a long time. I know that I disappeared without telling you anything. And I know that I seem a little different. But trust me, I’m just aclimatizing to being back around people.
AL
I know what’s up. I think I figured it out. Okay, it’s not meditation. Beatrix is mad at us. Because when we went to look for her that one time, we immediately gave up and got distracted.
CAPTAIN
Oh…
AL
Remember, we turned right around and didn’t even look for her at all? And then she probably is like mad that she was gone for like a whole month and no one even looked for her.
BEATRIX
That’s exactly right.
CAPTAIN
Okay, now I understand, that is totally on us. Beatrix, we are so sorry.
BARTHOLOMEW
Because none of us found her on that trip and communicated with her. Right…
CAPTAIN
So yeah, this all makes sense.
BARTHOLOMEW
None of us did that…
ROBERT
Does this mean I don’t need the gun?
BEATRIX
No, no, you should still bring the gun. Because I have a great idea of where we can go on our walk.
CAPTAIN
Let’s go folks!
ROBERT
Finally, walking!
BEATRIX
Ship’s just this way.
CAPTAIN
Urgh.
I pooped a little.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS SCENE
ROBERT
Everyone? I could use a little help with the gear and the humidifier and all the guns and… everyone?
AL
Robert, I know that you’re doing a lot so I don’t want to be a bother. But could you hold me a bit straighter? The view is so wonky.
ROBERT
It’s a little awkward holding it out in front of me. I don’t really have a lot of leverage. I could really use that arm, maybe to hold the backpack or whatever.
AL
Robert, it is a really bad look on you that you’re like, complaining so much. It’s really, I think, like dragging everyone down. Can you try and keep that attitude light and then maybe the things will feel lighter as well?
ROBERT
You know what? You’re right. I should act like a leader.
AL
Leading from the back!
ROBERT
Thanks Al.
AL
I’m helping.