NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

BEATRIX

Hey, everybody. Sorry to interrupt you. Looks like you’re going on a mission. Hope it wasn’t to find me because… I’m here.

CAPTAIN

Oh, yeah, yeah, we were actually about to go on a mission.

BEATRIX

Oh, okay. Um… Why don’t- why don’t we go?

CAPTAIN

Don’t you want to get like, settled in first, maybe? You just got here.

BEATRIX

I’m good.

ROBERT

It’s sort of like a need to know thing.

BEATRIX

Yeah, well, I am the scout. And I was in charge of security, I don’t see anyone else who’s stepped up to take that role? So…

ROBERT

it is a valid point… maybe we should just delay the mission a little ’cause I think everyone’s gonna be very excited to know you’re back.

BEATRIX

No, let’s not delay. Let’s just, let’s get going. I’m sure there’s lots to discover.

ROBERT

Well, I mean, Captain, it would be one more person to help me carry all this stuff.

BEATRIX

Oh, we should probably bring everybody.

CAPTAIN

Everybody?

BEATRIX

Let’s bring everybody.

CAPTAIN

I don’t know if that’s necessarily a great idea.

BEATRIX

I’m sure it’ll be fine. Hey, Al?

AL

Hi!

BEATRIX

Hello.

AL

Hi!

BEATRIX

Hi.

AL

Okay, weird, weird energy we’re not gonna talk with Okay, cool. Anyways, hey, what’s up? I’ve been playing chess.

BEATRIX

Oh, that’s nice. I’ve been scouting.

AL

What did you find? Where did you go? What is happening? Where have you been? Did you, maybe, did- what… we need answers, please.

BEATRIX

I’m sure we’ll get to them, that’s for another time, though.

AL

Barty was sleeping in your bed the whole time. And it was weird. And I don’t want to bring it up because it was like weird to me. But I don’t know where your relationship’s at right now. But I thought I couldn’t say anything about it. He was in your bed the whole time. He never turned the rumble feature off.

BEATRIX

Oh Al, you’ve not changed.

AL

I haven’t changed at all, and you have, but again, I guess we’re not going to talk about it. I’m gonna go get Bartholomew he’s gonna probably be more emotional than I am. Wait, just one second.

BARTHOLOMEW

Al!

CAPTAIN

Oh my God. Bargainsale. You came out of nowhere.

AL

I’m overwhelmed.

BARTHOLOMEW

Jeez.

BEATRIX

Hi Barty.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey, Beatrix. Beatrix!

BEATRIX

Hi!

BARTHOLOMEW

Hi.

BEATRIX

Hi.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hi! You wanna, you want to run to each other and hug like we’re meeting in a field? Like in that movie that we watched?

BEATRIX

Oh, no, thank you.

BARTHOLOMEW

Really? Because I’d really like to, do you mind?

BEATRIX

I’m okay with a hug.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, but we’ll run in slow motion.

BEATRIX

Um, why don’t you just run to me, if that’s okay.

CAPTAIN

So, I’m just going to, while you guys have your interesting reunion, I just want to say to all the staff that we’re going to go on a mission, a mission that involves all of us now, apparently, and it’s a mission to my old ship.

ROBERT

Well, this got awkward.

AL

Yeah, he’s hugging her so hard, and she’s not doing anything. She’s just like standing there.

ROBERT

Yeah. Well, I’m just gonna carry this bag outside, you two, you know, get reacquainted.

BEATRIX

We’ll catch up.

AL

Bob, is it okay, if you also carry me on like, the loudspeakers, so I could just kind of perceive the idea of moving through a space?

ROBERT

Yeah, I’ll just put another heavy thing into this bag.

AL

Thank you!

CAPTAIN

Bob, did you remember my air humidifier?

ROBERT

I’ll be back.

CAPTAIN

I need that.

AL

Is air dry?

BEATRIX

Bartholomew, why don’t you come over here with me for a minute?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah!

BEATRIX

We’ll catch up.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no, what’s been going on with you? There’s been so much here. Can you believe that none of the rest of the crew has commented on the fact that I’ve had significant personality changes,bwhere I’ve sort of become reacquainted with an old version of myself, but I I still have a lot of the, you know, HR Barty that you’ve come to know and love, but I call myself Barty now! That’s one of the personality changes. And I found my mustache a little too prim and proper. Oh my- oh my god, I shaved my mustache!

BEATRIX

I noticed.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you can see my lip now!

BEATRIX

I can.

BARTHOLOMEW

You always talked about wanting to see my lip.

BEATRIX

It’s a very nice lip.

BARTHOLOMEW

But what’s going on with you?

BEATRIX

I can’t talk about it now. We don’t have enough time. All I can say is I’m here. And I’m sorry.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s okay? What what are you sorry for?

BEATRIX

You’ll find out.

ROBERT

Okay, Al, are you getting me?

AL

Yeah!

ROBERT

Are you picking this up?

AL

Now that we’re all alone. I just think we have to take a moment to discuss what’s happened to Beatrix, and I figured it out and it’s not a problem. She found inner peace. So I think we should all just move on.

ROBERT

Okay. It’s just me and you though, Al, unless, are you speaking to them too right now? I just got disconnected.

AL

No I meant “we all” as in, you know, just kind of like me, and you, and like, the outside air, and like, the gadswatches that run and the small birds that fly.

ROBERT

Okay.

AL

I’m communing with nature.

ROBERT

Wow, cool, well I’m gonna put you in the bag so things might get a little muffled.

AL

(muffled sounds)

ROBERT

I agree with you. It is a little strange. She’s acting a little weird,

AL

(muffled) No, but I think it’s fine.

ROBERT

What?

AL

(muffled) I think I think she found inner peace.

ROBERT

Wait, I’m gonna take you out of the bag.

AL

I think she found inner peace through like, a meditation retreat, or maybe like a long hike. And then she came out into a clearing. And then in the clearing there was an animal with four legs and antlers and they kind of stared at each other and she was like, “why am I so different than you?” And now she’s back in it’s good.

ROBERT

Or she’s infected by an alien.

AL

Alien?

ROBERT

Yeah. There’s a protocol for this. I’m gonna put you back in the bag. I’m gonna go get the protocol.

AL

(muffled sounds)

BEATRIX

So Captain, nice to see you.

CAPTAIN

It’s great to see you too, Beatrix.

BEATRIX

Bartholomew told me you threw me a birthday party.

CAPTAIN

Yes. Yes, I did. I got streamers, balloons. I really went all out. You know?

BEATRIX

Wow. Thank you.

CAPTAIN

Yeah. Anything for my, for my crewmates.

BEATRIX

Anything.

CAPTAIN

So how was your little vacation that you went on?

BEATRIX

Oh, enlightening.

CAPTAIN

Oh, that’s nice. Do some, some meditating?

BEATRIX

You could call it that.

CAPTAIN

Did you find anything? Like in yourself? Or like maybe just out in the wilderness?

BEATRIX

I found a lot of things.

CAPTAIN

Oh, you care to share?

BEATRIX

Oh, when the time’s right. For now, I think we should focus on the mission. I’m sorry, everyone seems to be acting like I’m some sort of different person. I’m just a little tired. Gone a long time.

CAPTAIN

Long time. Yeah. No, of course, yeah, I understand. You’re just tired.

BEATRIX

Everyone seems so suspicious. Just-

CAPTAIN

Suspicious? What? No. Of you? Beatrix. Stop it. C’mon. What? Suspicious? No. You? What? Anyways, I’m gonna go see where the crew is, bye!

ROBERT

Al, are you there? Oh, shit, I put him in the bag.,. Okay, I’ll take this back to the bag. Al? Oh, shit. Where are you? Can’t- I don’t know what those are. Oh, oh. Oh, there you are!

AL

I do not like being in the bag. I don’t understand why I’m being put inside of the bag. I want to, I want to feel like I’m outside and I’m going immediately inside of a bag? And also those cans. They’re, they’re clanking about and it’s really loud.

ROBERT

Okay, well, I was just putting on the bag ’cause you were coming. You wanted to come with us. But here. I’ll set you up here on the table. Okay.

AL

Carry me in your third arm! Use your third arm to carry me.

ROBERT

Okay. Look, I found some protocols. There’s a protocol here for an alien. Something about mist creatures or something, a lot about mist creatures.

AL

I don’t know if we need to look into all this mist stuff. I think it’s just whatever. She’s better or different. And it’s not worse and it’s fine. And she’s just back. So we should stop putting pressure on her or else she’s gonna leave again. Okay? Maybe we should all just like go on a big walk together or something. Instead of trying to like nitpick everyone, like who are you? What are you? What does it mean to even be us? Let’s just like, let’s just, let’s just, let’s just like do it. Come on. Please?!

ROBERT

You want to instigate the walk protocol?

AL

Umm… yes?

ROBERT

Okay Al. I can do that.

CAPTAIN

Hey, Bart Simpson. Can I talk to you about something?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no. Lay it on me.

CAPTAIN

Yeah. So I don’t know if you’re noticing this, because you’re the closest to Beatrix, but she just seems different. Am I overthinking that or do you see it?

BARTHOLOMEW

She’s been on quite the journey. Right?

CAPTAIN

Of course. Yeah.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t know. She kind of reminds me of… someone.

CAPTAIN

Someone?

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t know.

CAPTAIN

It shouldn’t be something I should be too worried about.

BEATRIX

What are you two talking about?

CAPTAIN

Oh my God!

BEATRIX

That was weird. We were having a conversation and you just walked over to Bartholomew going “Ehh… uhhh… eeeeh”

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean that’s so weird, because you could speak just fine when it was just you and I ,but now you’re doing this like “we wa” thing like you described from earlier. So it’s almost like being around Beatrix is causing you to speak in this very disjointed and unusual manner.

CAPTAIN

Waah… eehhhh. naw…

BEATRIX

Look, here comes Bob and; I’m presuming; Al in his third arm. It’s nice that he’s starting to use that.

AL

I’m staring directly into you.

ROBERT

Woah, almost dropped you. Sorry. There you go. What?

AL

I can perceive temperature and it’s very hot inside of your shirt and it’s gross.

ROBERT

Here. There you go. You’re facing forward. Okay. Hi, everyone.

BEATRIX

All right. Everybody ready? For an adventure?

ROBERT

Yes. We’re going on a walk.

AL

Everyone’s acting so normally, this is great.

CAPTAIN

Yehhhh…

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re still doing it.

BEATRIX

Okay, let’s go.

AL

Everyone’s still standing kind of in the doorway.

BEATRIX

Oh, sorry. It’s just- well, you haven’t really told us what we’re doing yet. Have you, Captain?

CAPTAIN

Oh, oh.

ROBERT

We’re just actually going on a walk. No mission, just a walk. Sorry. change of plans. We’re implementing the walk protocol.

CAPTAIN

That’s right, Bob! A walk protocol. That’s right. An initiative, really, to get us out of the base and into some fresh air. So yes, no mission. No. Who said, who said mission? Bartholomew, why would you say mission?

BARTHOLOMEW

But, I mean, I thought Bob had mentioned that- this will have a substantial impact on the website.

ROBERT

Right. So if someone wants to just be the first one to step out the door… or I could squeeze, maybe, a little- oh, sorry. Watch the arm, sorry, oh, sorry. Excuse me. Just coming through, coming through. Okay. Oh, okay. Look, I’m outside everyone.

AL

We’re outside together. And this is step one of leaving.

ROBERT

Okay, so we’re walking now, I’m just going to start, see just, this is a walk protocol. You just walk like this.

CAPTAIN

After you, Beatrix!

BEATRIX

Oh no, I insist, after you.

CAPTAIN

As the Captain, I believe I should leave the base last, you know, just protocol.

BEATRIX

Leave the base last?

CAPTAIN

So please, after you.

BEATRIX

Okay.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, I could go.

CAPTAIN

No one asked you, okay?

BARTHOLOMEW

I could stay too…

BEATRIX

No, come on, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

All right.

AL

Now three of us are outside and that’s over half.

BARTHOLOMEW

Your narration skills have really been coming along now.

AL

I’m just keeping everyone up to speed on what I’m seeing.

CAPTAIN

I’m just gonna go back in the base really quick and grab something and then I think we’re good to go.

ROBERT

Everyone, we’re gonna warm up, it’s really important when you walk. I’m sure you know this, Beatrice- sorry, Beatrix. You know, everyone needs to bend alright-

BEATRIX

I’m just gonna run inside and drop off my month’s worth of dirty clothes.

ROBERT

But actually it’s part of the war-

BEATRIX

I’ll be right back, you keep going.

ROBERT

Oh… Al, she went inside.

AL

I saw. And now she’s back inside. I’m keeping us up to speed.

ROBERT

But Al, it’s a walk protocol, like the whole idea is to get the potential alien out of the base.

AL

What? I thought you just wanted to take us on a nice walk, like a dog.

ROBERT

No, it’s a walk protocol- even the captain understood.

AL

Wait, are we gonna kill Beatrix?

ROBERT

Wha??? Nooo…

AL

Are you gonna use that gun to kill Beatrix?

CAPTAIN

Where is it, where is it? Dammit… oh gosh. They’re all waiting for me… where did it go? Where is it? Where is it, where is it? Oh thank god.

BEATRIX

Hello Captain.

CAPTAIN

Oh! ah ha. You don’t make footsteps anymore, Beatrix, do you, that’s that’s a fun little quirk you developed, eh?

BEATRIX

You learn something when you’re trying to outrun everything that can eat you in the forest for a really long time.

CAPTAIN

Sense of humor, love it. So, I’m gonna head out… why don’t you join me and we can get this little walking tour on the road, so to speak?

BEATRIX

Sure.

CAPTAIN

Great, great.

BEATRIX

I just wanted you to know that… there’s no hard feelings. I know when I left the base, you know, we weren’t really trusting of each other. But I just wanted to come into private and say it to you that, everything’s fine.

CAPTAIN

Great, yes, that’s right. Everything’s fine.

BEATRIX

And I know that everything’s fine.

CAPTAIN

O… kay. I’m gonna go… you can follow me if you’d like.

BEATRIX

Oh, yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be watching.

AL

So this wasn’t a walk at all, this was a murder.

ROBERT

Noooo… crazy… Barty, we’re just gonna take a walk.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, that sounds plausible. But on the other hand, you’re now doing that Captain voice thing that-

ROBERT

Whaaaaaa…?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, that’s the thing. And it’s suspicious in a certain sense. I think Al’s right. It’s suspicious. That’s the word for it.

ROBERT

Well, there’s a part of the protocol that is definitely just taking a walk.

BARTHOLOMEW

Right. But as Al pointed out, you are doing like all of the clickings and clackings that indicate loading a gun.

ROBERT

This gun here?

BEATRIX

Robert, if you’re going to kill me, you have to be smarter about that.

ROBERT

Whaaa…?

CAPTAIN

Killing you? Whaaa…?

ROBERT

Crazy.

CAPTAIN

Crazy.

BEATRIX

Everyone listen. I know I’ve been gone a long time. I know that I disappeared without telling you anything. And I know that I seem a little different. But trust me, I’m just aclimatizing to being back around people.

AL

I know what’s up. I think I figured it out. Okay, it’s not meditation. Beatrix is mad at us. Because when we went to look for her that one time, we immediately gave up and got distracted.

CAPTAIN

Oh…

AL

Remember, we turned right around and didn’t even look for her at all? And then she probably is like mad that she was gone for like a whole month and no one even looked for her.

BEATRIX

That’s exactly right.

CAPTAIN

Okay, now I understand, that is totally on us. Beatrix, we are so sorry.

BARTHOLOMEW

Because none of us found her on that trip and communicated with her. Right…

CAPTAIN

So yeah, this all makes sense.

BARTHOLOMEW

None of us did that…

ROBERT

Does this mean I don’t need the gun?

BEATRIX

No, no, you should still bring the gun. Because I have a great idea of where we can go on our walk.

CAPTAIN

Let’s go folks!

ROBERT

Finally, walking!

BEATRIX

Ship’s just this way.

CAPTAIN

Urgh.

I pooped a little.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

ROBERT

Everyone? I could use a little help with the gear and the humidifier and all the guns and… everyone?

AL

Robert, I know that you’re doing a lot so I don’t want to be a bother. But could you hold me a bit straighter? The view is so wonky.

ROBERT

It’s a little awkward holding it out in front of me. I don’t really have a lot of leverage. I could really use that arm, maybe to hold the backpack or whatever.

AL

Robert, it is a really bad look on you that you’re like, complaining so much. It’s really, I think, like dragging everyone down. Can you try and keep that attitude light and then maybe the things will feel lighter as well?

ROBERT

You know what? You’re right. I should act like a leader.

AL

Leading from the back!

ROBERT

Thanks Al.

AL

I’m helping.