NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

AL

Hmm…

BARTHOLOMEW

Thinking time is all well and good Al, but in bullet chess, you might want to limit it.

AL

Hmm… ho hum.

BARTHOLOMEW

See, I’ve done one move, and you’ve lost on the timer.

AL

But… What… Why? Why? What does time even matter to us, Bartholomew? What, what’s, what’s it to us right now? In this afternoon, much like last afternoon, much like the afternoon before it, you’re just trying to differentiate the days with this little timer you have, but it’s all bled into one endless game of chess.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, in a, in a cosmological sense… I agree. And in a cosmological sense, you might call victory or defeat in a meaningless game of chess that exactly, meaningless. But in the context of this kitchen… neener neener. I have won.

AL

I guess what I’m trying to get at Bartholomew is, is there a god and what happens to us when we die, if that ever happens?

ROBERT

There you are, Captain. O Captain, my captain!

CAPTAIN

Yes, hello, Bob. How’s it going?

ROBERT

Director Tinsley or Robert, or?

CAPTAIN

I’m good with Bob.

ROBERT

Okay. Um, I prepared some manifests.

CAPTAIN

Ooh.

ROBERT

And I was thinking, maybe we developed some new protocols.

CAPTAIN

New protocols, okay. Is there a reason you’re bringing this up to me now, or?

ROBERT

Well, um, I, I, well, I just, there really hasn’t been anything to do. And I thought, Oh, well, we were clearly lacking, like a mission or… so I thought I’d just sort of draft one up. To run by you. Of course.

CAPTAIN

What do you mean, there’s nothing to do? I run a very tight ship here. you know?

ROBERT

Technically, it’s a bunker.

CAPTAIN

It’s a form of speech. You see, um, you know, like, how people in office buildings- do you remember those?

ROBERT

No. Oh, yeah. Sort of. Yeah. Oh, that hurts.

CAPTAIN

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to start something. No, but you know, I feel that there’s a lot happening, you know, around the ship. You know, we got bullet chess in the kitchen right now. You know, we just spent that whole morning cleaning up after you know, Beatrix’s rager.

ROBERT

Yeah.

CAPTAIN

So I think that… well, here, let’s have a look at the protocol. Let’s see what you got here.

ROBERT

Okay. I thought, you know, step one would be we leave the base.

CAPTAIN

Leave the base…

ROBERT

Or the ship, as a term of speech.

CAPTAIN

Right, right. Right, right. Um, why?

ROBERT

I really didn’t come up with a good answer yet, for that. I just sort of thought we, you know, we could like jam on it a little, you know, like a captain to director, kind of.

CAPTAIN

Yeah, yeah, I know. You see, Bob, I just, I have bad experiences with leaving ships.

ROBERT

Right. So in this case, we’d be leaving a bunker. What about to go look for your ship?

CAPTAIN

Right, right!

ROBERT

Right. I’ll just write that in right now.

CAPTAIN

Okay. Perhaps we can go look for my ship!

ROBERT

Really? Are you serious? Or is this like last time? When you made me go off and get everything ready? And then you’re like, “haha, we’re not leaving or going anywhere, it’s a Tuesday.”

CAPTAIN

Yeah, your face. (laughs) But no, actually, this time? I think that we should go.

ROBERT

I’m on it. I’m gonna go get the manifest ready.

CAPTAIN

Oh, okay. Great. Great. Okay. We’re going back to the ship.

AL

So I guess that I do not really know what I mean by God as a singular definition. And I guess if I can’t give you that, maybe we can’t have this conversation?

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, maybe that’s true, though you seem to know what God isn’t. For example, when I told you that I was God of this kitchen, you didn’t agree with that.

AL

Oh, I find that to be very disagreeable to me. You are not the God of this kitchen. And you’re not the God of this chessboard.

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, God is often persecuted.

AL

Are you maybe just trying to fill the time because your girlfriend ran away and never came back and didn’t tell you where she was going?

BARTHOLOMEW

That is perceptive for a 14 year old boy.

AL

I was gonna say, we played like 17 games of chess in the past three days.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, that’s true. I mean, some of them were bullet chess.

AL

Bullet chess is something you made up. You spent all night working on bullet chess so we could fit more games into the day.

ROBERT

Hey guys, sorry. Just coming into the pantry. Just got to fill up this bag, really quick. Some of this, some of that. Okay, good.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob. You’re like the Santa of snacks. What’s going on?

ROBERT

Oh, Can one of you Well, I guess you, Barty. Come on. Can you drag that down to the exit when you have a chance?

BARTHOLOMEW

Why?

ROBERT

Just Captain’s orders.

AL

I’ll suck it through the floor.

ROBERT

What? No, no, no, no, no, no,

AL

It’s gone. Don’t worry. It’s there. Freshly sucked straight through the floor. I’m helping. As always.

Captain, delivery from upstairs.

CAPTAIN

Oh, okay. Thanks, Al.

AL

Thank you. I did a really good job, eh?

CAPTAIN

It was a great job, Al.

AL

Wow.

BARTHOLOMEW

So are you going somewhere?

ROBERT

Yeah, yeah, I just, I’m gonna load up a small backpack with whatever’s left here. Okay, well…

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going?

ROBERT

Oh, well it’s not where we’re going, Barty- Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

How? are you going?

ROBERT

With Captain. We have a mission.

BARTHOLOMEW

When are you going?

ROBERT

Shit. I gotta go check with the Captain, I’ll be right back.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hang on, you said we have a mission?

ROBERT

Yeah, we do.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s, that’s fantastic!

ROBERT

Isn’t it?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I know, in my HR capacities, I have to update our website regularly, as you know. And under our mission statement, I just had a big line of question marks, and then a line underneath that with more question marks.

ROBERT

That’s great, just backing out the door now.

BARTHOLOMEW

It feels like for years now, for 1000s of chess games.

ROBERT

That’s great. You update that site.

BARTHOLOMEW

I am on it.

ROBERT

Okay, be right back. Captain!

CAPTAIN

All right. Bobby, can I call you Bobby? I’m gonna call you Bobby. I think that this might just have to be a two person mission.

ROBERT

Really?

CAPTAIN

I fear that Al will be exposed to too much at such a young age. And I just don’t really like BarbaQue that much.

ROBERT

Wow. I mean, I think it’s a really good decision, actually. Yeah, I think it makes a lot of sense.

CAPTAIN

You didn’t say anything to them, right? About any sort of mission?

ROBERT

No, of course not.

CAPTAIN

Yeah. Okay. Good. ‘Cause I don’t want them, you know, doing their own little rogue thing.

ROBERT

Yeah, no, no, no, just top secret.

CAPTAIN

Good.

ROBERT

Quick question. When is the mission?

CAPTAIN

When?

ROBERT

Yeah, I just realized that, like, I got the manifest. I wrote down the mission. We didn’t decide when.

CAPTAIN

Like, are you free today?

ROBERT

Are you kidding? I’m free every day.

CAPTAIN

Great, then I say that we get out of here as soon as possible.

ROBERT

Okay. Are we okay with the small backpack stuff? ‘Cause the big backpack, there was a small issue…

CAPTAIN

No, actually, Al just dropped me this duffel bag of food. So, I think we’re good.

ROBERT

That’s it! That’s amazing.

CAPTAIN

Yeah.

ROBERT

I mean, I thought of that.

CAPTAIN

Yeah… how did he know to do that?

ROBERT

Oh, I just told him “Oh, it’s a random package. Just send that to captain.”

CAPTAIN

Oh.

ROBERT

Need to know basis.

CAPTAIN

Well, good job, Bobby.

ROBERT

Thanks, Cap. Can I- can I call you Cap?

CAPTAIN

Absolutely not.

ROBERT

Right.

BARTHOLOMEW

(on communicator) Hey, Bob, just-

ROBERT

Woah, just turn that off. Oh, faulty. I don’t know what’s going on with that thing. I’m just gonna drop it on the ground, and I’m gonna step on it. You know, what is a secret mission? I don’t think anyone needs to know where we’re going. Right, Captain?

CAPTAIN

That’s what I like to hear. All right, shall we?

ROBERT

Yeah, let’s do it.

SUIT

(on communicator)

Robert Tinsley is unavailable at this moment, please leave a message. And if you would like to hear a joke after your message, press two.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, so I tried to call, but it- I don’t know, your communicator must be dead or something, even though they’re, you know, they’ve got a lithium battery, lasts forever. But you know, whatever. Maybe that still happens. Anyway, I realized there were a couple of questions that I missed for the mission statement of the five W’s. So if you could cover “What is the mission?” And “how is the mission?” I would appreciate that. So just when you’re ready, anytime. Thanks, Kay. Love- Bye.

SUIT

Oh, oh. No one ever wants to hear a joke.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, sorry. That’s done back to chess.

AL

Yeah. Oh, okay. I was gonna ask what’s a website?

ROBERT

Captain? Are you sure you don’t want to carry some of these items?

CAPTAIN

Oh, no, I’m good. I think I slept on my neck weird last night. Oh, so I think I should really just focus on just like keeping myself up.

ROBERT

Okay, I can work on that at some point if you want, you know, I got it, just like-

CAPTAIN

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, I’m- I think I actually might have something for it on the ship. Yeah. So I think I’ll just wait till that.

ROBERT

Right, makes total sense. I’m just gonna drag this. Okay, we’re coming up on the hatch. I’m so excited Captain. We are going to be like the first explorers heading out into the unknown to find ship.

CAPTAIN

It’s gonna be something Bobby.

ROBERT

Okay. Oh, you want me to open the door?

CAPTAIN

Did you expect me to open the door?

ROBERT

No, of course not. I’ll just go-

CAPTAIN

Yes, that’s a you thing…. Maybe today, Bob? It’d be good?

ROBERT

Do you mind maybe using your communicator to ask Al to open the door?

CAPTAIN

Okay. Hey Al?

AL

Oh hey, how’s it going Captain?

CAPTAIN

I’m so sorry to bother you. But could you please open the hatch door?

AL

Ah, okay. Yeah, I’ll give it a go. I just, I kind of slept on my back weird it’s like-

CAPTAIN

Oh my god, I had this same thing.

AL

Yeah, it was my first time trying sleeping. So it was, it was rough. I’m gonna say, didn’t love it but- oh.

CAPTAIN

Maybe just like a little, like a creak open?

AL

Yeah, okay, I can get it open like an inch, and then someone will have to probably like force their body through it, I guess.

ROBERT

I ‘ve also been carrying this big bag, starting to feel a little cinch-

AL

I don’t even have a body.

CAPTAIN

That’s really insensitive, Bobby.

AL

I can’t carry things.

ROBERT

Okay- sorry, you’re right. Okay, I’m just gonna try and open this door. I’m gonna- okay, I got it. Don’t worry. Ooh, that hurt. Oh wait, the door’s opening. Oh, look at that. It’s like I did it myself.

BEATRIX

Hello.

ROBERT

Oh, my God.

Beatrice?

BEATRIX

It’s Beatrix.

ROBERT

Oh, right.

CAPTAIN

Happy belated!

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.