NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

BARTHOLOMEW

Rumble feature off…

Mustache comb…

Good morning, Beatrix.

BEATRIX

(extra cheerful)

Good morning, Bartholomew! I left you this tape so that you wouldn’t miss me. Because I know I’m gonna be gone a long time.

But I just wanted to say that you are handsome, and you are smart, and your mustache needs to go.

Listen. If you ever feel down, just play this tape, and you can imagine that I’m right there with you, enjoying the rumble feature. Even if I’ve died! But hopefully I won’t die. Because we all know what happens when I come back—it’s all really crazy and insane. But that’s beside the point!

Just know that I love you and I miss you and I’m thinking of you too.

BARTHOLOMEW

Aw, thanks.

It’s good to… speak to you.

Happy birthday.

CAPTAIN

Hey Al. Do we have any party supplies here on the ship?

AL

Oh my. Yeah, we’ve got a ton! We’ve got streamers, we have lights. We have little lights. We have fairy lights. We have candles—

CAPTAIN

(gasps)

AL

All of them are light-based. We have gobos. We have spotlights.

CAPTAIN

Oh. Yes. Perfect. Love it.

AL

We have tracking lights. Light bulbs. Fluorescents.

CAPTAIN

Yes. Absolutely.

AL

What else do you need for a party? We have all the different types of lights.

CAPTAIN

No, all of it and more—all of it is perfect.

AL

I’m getting really excited!

CAPTAIN

I just went into Blueberry’s folder and I found out today is Beatrix’s birthday.

AL

Oh, you went snooping around Bartholomew’s room for good information! That’s nice! That’s nice.

CAPTAIN

You know, I love a good birthday. And it was my son’s favorite day. So I just want to make it a good day for Beatrix too.

ROBERT

Oh, hey, The Captain! Hi.

CAPTAIN

Hi.

ROBERT

Hi. I got the three cakes for you to taste that you asked for.

CAPTAIN

Oh, perfect.

AL

Yeah, you’ve got one in each arm.

ROBERT

Yeah, which is normal. Okay, here, this one is special. It’s like a key lime, but we don’t have lime… so I call it the capswach lime.

CAPTAIN

Mmm!

Oh! What gives it that tart taste?

ROBERT

Uh… droppings from a capswach. The little creatures that run around outside?

CAPTAIN

Mhrghhh. Okay. Oh, let’s—let’s try the second option.

ROBERT

Okay, okay. Ah, this one. This one, it’s actually just a quiche.

CAPTAIN

Oooh! Okay. That’s a fun idea. Like a savory quiche.

ROBERT

Well, but I put sugar in it, because it’s a cake.

CAPTAIN

(mouth full)

Oh. Oh. That’s… interesting. Okay, and what was the last one you brought there?

(coughing)

ROBERT

I’m feeling—okay, I can—I’m hearing some notes. Okay.

The last one—ah, you’re not gonna like it. It’s just chocolate powder, and egg and you know, flour and sugar. It’s nothing.

CAPTAIN

Oh! Oh, this is delicious. Didn’t Beatrix say she loved chocolate?

ROBERT

Oh! Yeah, she did. I think… Yeah, she did! She got very angry when I ate her chocolate bar.

CAPTAIN

Great. Then this will be the cake! Oh, she won’t see this coming. And guys? It’s going to be a surprise party. So nobody tell her.

AL

Oh, I haven’t talked to Beatrix in a long time! That won’t be a problem at all.

CAPTAIN

Yeah, me neither, actually. But you know, that’s going to make the surprise bigger.

ROBERT

Oh, okay. Cool. I’ll go make another one of those cakes.

CAPTAIN

Great! Great, great, great, great, great.

AL

I’ll go work on the lights and also get these capswaches out of here. They’re starting to feast on each other’s bodies.

ROBERT

That’s a good call. Thanks, Al.

CAPTAIN

Thanks Al!

ROBERT

Ooo! Ow! Ow! No, get off me! Ow!

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey, Captain. I was in my bedroom filing cabinet earlier. And I actually noticed that one of my folders, which is normally indexed under both—well, it’s indexed under both “Birthdays” and “Beatrix”, but I normally file it under “Birthdays”. And it had actually been returned to being filed under “Beatrix”. And naturally I found that incredibly odd. I’m just doing some light investigation. So if you’ve heard anything….

CAPTAIN

Right, about that, Bungalow, you see the thing is, I have a thing with birthdays and actually it’s not only Beatrix’s birthday today, it’s my son’s. So today’s a very special day for me. And just—the fact that Beatrix has the same birthday as my son, I had to see it as a sign.

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, I mean, congratulations to your son.

CAPTAIN

Thank you.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, that’s very exciting. And oh, you have streamers.

CAPTAIN

I do. Yes. My son loved streamers. He loved big birthdays. And I’m gonna give one just like that to Beatrix.

ROBERT

Oh, here you go, here Captain. I got the cake with a giant B on it.

CAPTAIN

Perfect. Giant B?

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean… you guys have planned a whole party.

CAPTAIN

Well, yeah, it’s a birthday. Why wouldn’t we plan a party?

ROBERT

Yeah. Yeah.

BARTHOLOMEW

But I mean, obviously there’s something missing…

AL

Oh, no. Don’t worry, I just finished turning on all the lights. All the lights are on, all the different types of lights are on, there’s a disco ball—it’s really bright in there.

ROBERT

No, no, no! Al, he’s right. He’s right.

ROBERT

There’s no candles on the cake. I’m gonna go get candles!

CAPTAIN

Oh my gosh, come on!

ROBERT

I’ll be right back!

CAPTAIN

Amateur hour!

AL

You got three hands, three arms, and you couldn’t remember the candles.

CAPTAIN

Honestly.

ROBERT

(from the kitchen)

I heard that, Al!

AL

I wanted you to!

BARTHOLOMEW

Not candles—you guys—you seriously don’t know what’s missing?

AL

Well, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but I don’t even like getting cards, so I didn’t think Beatrix would want one.

CAPTAIN

That’s the thing, right?

AL

What do you do with it?

ROBERT

Okay!

Oh! Oh! Barty, Barty? You would know this. How many candles do I put on the cake?

BARTHOLOMEW

I…

ROBERT

Come on, how old is she? Like, one for every year, right?

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean—

ROBERT

What’s her file say? Come on, hurry up. Come on…

BARTHOLOMEW

Her file says 29.

ROBERT

29! Okay! Oh, I don’t have enough. I’ll be back. I’m gonna go get more candles!

CAPTAIN

(shouting after him)

You have three hands!

ROBERT

Okay, I’ll carry one in each hand. That’ll only take… eight trips? I’ll be back.

CAPTAIN

Oy oy oy.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t… I don’t believe this!

You know what?

AL

Yeah, I don’t think the candles… they’re pretty big. They’re gonna be too big for the cake. 29 of them?

CAPTAIN

Yes. It’ll pretty much smash the cake, hey? You’ll just have slices of candle.

AL

What is Beatrix going to eat after she blows them out?

ROBERT

Okay, we don’t have enough of those little candles, but I found these like, emergency ones. They’re large, but I figure you know, we could kind of put them around the cake?

CAPTAIN

Yeah, like on the edges.

ROBERT

Yeah, I’ll just moosh them in. Here we go.

CAPTAIN

Yeah. Okay, now we have everything. See?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! No, no, no!

If you don’t know what’s missing, then I’m not gonna tell you.

AL

You know we can’t sing that song.

CAPTAIN

It’s copyright.

AL

It’s copyrighted. We can’t sing that song. It’s illegal.

ROBERT

Yeah, it’s been illegal for 3200 years. Hallmark won an intergalactic treaty on it.

CAPTAIN

If you want to pay the to sing it, you go ahead, but I’m good.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not that!

If you want me, I’ll be rumbling in Beatrix’s room.

ROBERT

Is that a metaphor for sex? Does anyone know?

CAPTAIN

(gasps)

In the workplace!

AL

I see a lot of you as role models.

CAPTAIN

Badminton! How could you?

ROBERT

(from the hall)

I know you’re in there, Barty—Bartholomew. No, I had it right—Barty.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, I said I was going to be in here and then I came immediately here.

ROBERT

Well, could you say “come in”, or open the door, or have Al open the door?

BARTHOLOMEW

I came here to be left alone.

ROBERT

I would open the door but my hands are full… I wanted you to have some of the cake so I brought a plate of cake and then I wanted you to have some of the ice cream even though it’s made from those weird creatures, so I have a bowl of that, and then I wanted you to be able to blow out one of the big candles and my, ahem, other arm is carrying that, so I can’t really open the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

Fine. It’s against social convention not to respond to a knock…

ROBERT

I’ve been using my head to knock on the door, so if you could open it that would be great.

BARTHOLOMEW

I guess I’m nothing if not socially conventional. Come in.

ROBERT

The door’s not opening.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh yeah. “Door, open.”

The voice feature hasn’t been working for me because it’s Beatrix’s room. “Door open.”

ROBERT

You could just ask—Al, could you open the door?

AL

Oh, Beatrix had it voice coded, so like, it’s a lock that I can’t open now without her voice.

ROBERT

Right. Right. So all we need to do is have Beatrix say open the door. So—

(a sudden world-shattering revelation)

Oh, oh. Oh! OHH!

BARTHOLOMEW

-pen.

ROBERT

You just need to sound like Beatrix! You can do it. Come on, Barty. It’s easy! You spend all this time with her, now just do a Beatrix voice. Go “Oh! Let’s go on an adventure!” Can you try it?

BARTHOLOMEW

(in a high voice)

Uh… “Mmm, boy, I love scouting!” No, no. Hang on, I got in here! I just came in here! I opened the door, it was fine.

ROBERT

Oh!

BARTHOLOMEW

Maybe I can only open it from the outside?

ROBERT

Oh… I’m going to go get Captain!

BARTHOLOMEW

Have I not closed it all this time?

ROBERT

Captain! Captain!

CAPTAIN

What, is Beatrix coming? Everybody hide!

ROBERT

Oh! Hide! Beatrix is coming! Hide!

CAPTAIN

I hope I don’t have to stay in this compromising position for a long period of time.

ROBERT

Oh! I forgot… Captain—Barty, he’s locked in his room, so he’s not going to be able to hide here in the kitchen with us.

CAPTAIN

What?! No, the whole group needs to be here! That’s part of the surprise!

ROBERT

I was coming to get you but then you shouted and I threw the bowls in the air and hid!

CAPTAIN

I thought that Beatrix—!

ROBERT

Sorry, you got ice cream on your shoulders. Sorry!

CAPTAIN

(grumbles)

Alright, I’ll go. I’ll go get him.

ROBERT

Okay, I’m gonna stay hiding.

CAPTAIN

Hello. We’re missing one more guest at a certain somebody’s birthday party.

BARTHOLOMEW

I told you, I was going to be in Beatrix’s room and then I stormed out angrily, and now I’m here and now I’m locked in here anyway. I can’t get out. So go—

CAPTAIN

What do you mean, you’re locked in? Just open the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t! I don’t sound like Beatrix.

CAPTAIN

(does a squeaky imitation of Beatrix)

What? It’s like up here, kinda—“Uh, I’m Beatrix!” like that, just do that. “Open the doooor!”

BARTHOLOMEW

“I love picnics and I need this door open to go to my next one!”

CAPTAIN

There you go!

BARTHOLOMEW

No… I sounded like a witch in a forest waiting for Hansel and Gretel.

CAPTAIN

All right. Well, if you can’t come to the party, the party’s comin’ to you. We’re gonna set up the party right outside of this door. Okay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, just… just leave me in here. Okay? You guys have your party and I’ll just, I’ll keep working on it.

CAPTAIN

No! No one’s left behind on a birthday.

Al, start moving the lights!

AL

Okay! They’re hot.

BARTHOLOMEW

“Bartholomew, you really need to shave your mustache… and open the door. It will help.”

“Bartholomew, we can’t have the rumble feature on all night.”

“Uhh… no, no, the shop just appeared. I didn’t cause it!”

“Creatures!!”

ROBERT

Ah! Uh, good to see you, Bartholomew. Thank you. Sorry for having to, you know… glad you got out.

Have a seat. I’m just waiting for the Captain. We we wanted to apologize to you. It’s awkward. I’ll just—BARTHOLOMEW

Yes… I didn’t realize you were exploding the wall when I—

ROBERT

No, no, it’s our fault. I can’t believe we didn’t realize Beatrix wasn’t here. We were so excited about the party, ha ha.

AL

And I should apologize as well as Al, because I forgot to tell you guys that there was a handle on the door…

BARTHOLOMEW

Handle…

AL

so that’s on me too.

Everyone always wants me to do such high tech stuff, but some of this stuff’s just like a door.

ROBERT

Oh, and don’t speak loud when the Captain comes. We were up partying pretty late, ha ha. I think she’s a little hungover. You know how she gets.

BARTHOLOMEW

Should have thought of a handle, that’s socially conventional.

CAPTAIN

Ugh. Hey, boys.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hi, Captain.

CAPTAIN

Why are the lights so bright in here? Can we turn those down?

AL

Yeah, I don’t know how to get them off.

CAPTAIN

Oh, man. Are they still all from the party last night?

AL

Yeah, strobe light, black light, disco ball light…

CAPTAIN

That was such a fun time.

Hey, did Beatrix have a good time? I don’t remember quite seeing her.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

SEAN HOWARD

Scene!

SEAN

Yay! Waiting For Godot, Beatrix style.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

That was fun!

SEAN

That was fun, guys.

TYRA BANDA

Yeah.

PHIL JOHNSTON

I did also have fun.