The crew get ready to celebrate.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: Complete obliviousness.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
The humming of Beatrix’s bed.
Bartholomew yawns and stretches and sits up in bed.
BARTHOLOMEW
Rumble feature off…
Mustache comb…
Good morning, Beatrix.
He presses Play on a tape recorder. We hear Beatrix’s voice.
BEATRIX
(extra cheerful)
Good morning, Bartholomew! I left you this tape so that you wouldn’t miss me. Because I know I’m gonna be gone a long time.
But I just wanted to say that you are handsome, and you are smart, and your mustache needs to go.
Listen. If you ever feel down, just play this tape, and you can imagine that I’m right there with you, enjoying the rumble feature. Even if I’ve died! But hopefully I won’t die. Because we all know what happens when I come back—it’s all really crazy and insane. But that’s beside the point!
Just know that I love you and I miss you and I’m thinking of you too.
The tape stops.
BARTHOLOMEW
Aw, thanks.
It’s good to… speak to you.
Happy birthday.
LOUNGE
The Captain looks through some of the cabinets.
CAPTAIN
Hey Al. Do we have any party supplies here on the ship?
Beeping sounds.
AL
Oh my. Yeah, we’ve got a ton! We’ve got streamers, we have lights. We have little lights. We have fairy lights. We have candles—
CAPTAIN
(gasps)
AL
All of them are light-based. We have gobos. We have spotlights.
CAPTAIN
Oh. Yes. Perfect. Love it.
AL
We have tracking lights. Light bulbs. Fluorescents.
CAPTAIN
Yes. Absolutely.
AL
What else do you need for a party? We have all the different types of lights.
CAPTAIN
No, all of it and more—all of it is perfect.
AL
I’m getting really excited!
CAPTAIN
I just went into Blueberry’s folder and I found out today is Beatrix’s birthday.
AL
Oh, you went snooping around Bartholomew’s room for good information! That’s nice! That’s nice.
CAPTAIN
You know, I love a good birthday. And it was my son’s favorite day. So I just want to make it a good day for Beatrix too.
Robert bursts through the swinging door from the kitchen.
ROBERT
Oh, hey, The Captain! Hi.
CAPTAIN
Hi.
ROBERT
Hi. I got the three cakes for you to taste that you asked for.
He sets down some plates.
CAPTAIN
Oh, perfect.
AL
Yeah, you’ve got one in each arm.
ROBERT
Yeah, which is normal. Okay, here, this one is special. It’s like a key lime, but we don’t have lime… so I call it the capswach lime.
CAPTAIN
Mmm!
Oh! What gives it that tart taste?
ROBERT
Uh… droppings from a capswach. The little creatures that run around outside?
The Captain spits out a mouthful of cake.
CAPTAIN
Mhrghhh. Okay. Oh, let’s—let’s try the second option.
ROBERT
Okay, okay. Ah, this one. This one, it’s actually just a quiche.
CAPTAIN
Oooh! Okay. That’s a fun idea. Like a savory quiche.
ROBERT
Well, but I put sugar in it, because it’s a cake.
CAPTAIN
(mouth full)
Oh. Oh. That’s… interesting. Okay, and what was the last one you brought there?
(coughing)
ROBERT
I’m feeling—okay, I can—I’m hearing some notes. Okay.
The last one—ah, you’re not gonna like it. It’s just chocolate powder, and egg and you know, flour and sugar. It’s nothing.
CAPTAIN
Oh! Oh, this is delicious. Didn’t Beatrix say she loved chocolate?
ROBERT
Oh! Yeah, she did. I think… Yeah, she did! She got very angry when I ate her chocolate bar.
CAPTAIN
Great. Then this will be the cake! Oh, she won’t see this coming. And guys? It’s going to be a surprise party. So nobody tell her.
AL
Oh, I haven’t talked to Beatrix in a long time! That won’t be a problem at all.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, me neither, actually. But you know, that’s going to make the surprise bigger.
ROBERT
Oh, okay. Cool. I’ll go make another one of those cakes.
CAPTAIN
Great! Great, great, great, great, great.
AL
I’ll go work on the lights and also get these capswaches out of here. They’re starting to feast on each other’s bodies.
Chittering animal sounds.
ROBERT
That’s a good call. Thanks, Al.
CAPTAIN
Thanks Al!
ROBERT
Ooo! Ow! Ow! No, get off me! Ow!
Robert runs to the kitchen, pursued by a swarm of capswatches.
Bartholomew enters from the hallway.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey, Captain. I was in my bedroom filing cabinet earlier. And I actually noticed that one of my folders, which is normally indexed under both—well, it’s indexed under both “Birthdays” and “Beatrix”, but I normally file it under “Birthdays”. And it had actually been returned to being filed under “Beatrix”. And naturally I found that incredibly odd. I’m just doing some light investigation. So if you’ve heard anything….
CAPTAIN
Right, about that, Bungalow, you see the thing is, I have a thing with birthdays and actually it’s not only Beatrix’s birthday today, it’s my son’s. So today’s a very special day for me. And just—the fact that Beatrix has the same birthday as my son, I had to see it as a sign.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, I mean, congratulations to your son.
CAPTAIN
Thank you.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, that’s very exciting. And oh, you have streamers.
CAPTAIN
I do. Yes. My son loved streamers. He loved big birthdays. And I’m gonna give one just like that to Beatrix.
Robert hurries back in.
ROBERT
Oh, here you go, here Captain. I got the cake with a giant B on it.
CAPTAIN
Perfect. Giant B?
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean… you guys have planned a whole party.
CAPTAIN
Well, yeah, it’s a birthday. Why wouldn’t we plan a party?
ROBERT
Yeah. Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
But I mean, obviously there’s something missing…
AL
Oh, no. Don’t worry, I just finished turning on all the lights. All the lights are on, all the different types of lights are on, there’s a disco ball—it’s really bright in there.
ROBERT
No, no, no! Al, he’s right. He’s right.
Silence.
ROBERT
There’s no candles on the cake. I’m gonna go get candles!
CAPTAIN
Oh my gosh, come on!
ROBERT
I’ll be right back!
He runs off again.
CAPTAIN
Amateur hour!
AL
You got three hands, three arms, and you couldn’t remember the candles.
CAPTAIN
Honestly.
ROBERT
(from the kitchen)
I heard that, Al!
AL
I wanted you to!
BARTHOLOMEW
Not candles—you guys—you seriously don’t know what’s missing?
AL
Well, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but I don’t even like getting cards, so I didn’t think Beatrix would want one.
CAPTAIN
That’s the thing, right?
AL
What do you do with it?
Robert returns.
ROBERT
Okay!
Oh! Oh! Barty, Barty? You would know this. How many candles do I put on the cake?
BARTHOLOMEW
I…
ROBERT
Come on, how old is she? Like, one for every year, right?
Captain and Al mutter in agreement.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean—
ROBERT
What’s her file say? Come on, hurry up. Come on…
BARTHOLOMEW
Her file says 29.
ROBERT
29! Okay! Oh, I don’t have enough. I’ll be back. I’m gonna go get more candles!
CAPTAIN
(shouting after him)
You have three hands!
ROBERT
Okay, I’ll carry one in each hand. That’ll only take… eight trips? I’ll be back.
He exits.
CAPTAIN
Oy oy oy.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t… I don’t believe this!
You know what?
AL
Yeah, I don’t think the candles… they’re pretty big. They’re gonna be too big for the cake. 29 of them?
CAPTAIN
Yes. It’ll pretty much smash the cake, hey? You’ll just have slices of candle.
AL
What is Beatrix going to eat after she blows them out?
Robert returns, panting.
ROBERT
Okay, we don’t have enough of those little candles, but I found these like, emergency ones. They’re large, but I figure you know, we could kind of put them around the cake?
CAPTAIN
Yeah, like on the edges.
ROBERT
Yeah, I’ll just moosh them in. Here we go.
Squishing sounds.
CAPTAIN
Yeah. Okay, now we have everything. See?
BARTHOLOMEW
No! No, no, no!
If you don’t know what’s missing, then I’m not gonna tell you.
AL
You know we can’t sing that song.
CAPTAIN
It’s copyright.
AL
It’s copyrighted. We can’t sing that song. It’s illegal.
ROBERT
Yeah, it’s been illegal for 3200 years. Hallmark won an intergalactic treaty on it.
CAPTAIN
If you want to pay the to sing it, you go ahead, but I’m good.
BARTHOLOMEW
Not that!
If you want me, I’ll be rumbling in Beatrix’s room.
He storms out.
ROBERT
Is that a metaphor for sex? Does anyone know?
CAPTAIN
(gasps)
In the workplace!
AL
I see a lot of you as role models.
CAPTAIN
Badminton! How could you?
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
Robert knocks on the door.
ROBERT
(from the hall)
I know you’re in there, Barty—Bartholomew. No, I had it right—Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes, I said I was going to be in here and then I came immediately here.
ROBERT
Well, could you say “come in”, or open the door, or have Al open the door?
BARTHOLOMEW
I came here to be left alone.
ROBERT
I would open the door but my hands are full… I wanted you to have some of the cake so I brought a plate of cake and then I wanted you to have some of the ice cream even though it’s made from those weird creatures, so I have a bowl of that, and then I wanted you to be able to blow out one of the big candles and my, ahem, other arm is carrying that, so I can’t really open the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fine. It’s against social convention not to respond to a knock…
ROBERT
I’ve been using my head to knock on the door, so if you could open it that would be great.
BARTHOLOMEW
I guess I’m nothing if not socially conventional. Come in.
Silence.
ROBERT
The door’s not opening.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh yeah. “Door, open.”
The voice feature hasn’t been working for me because it’s Beatrix’s room. “Door open.”
ROBERT
You could just ask—Al, could you open the door?
AL
Oh, Beatrix had it voice coded, so like, it’s a lock that I can’t open now without her voice.
ROBERT
Right. Right. So all we need to do is have Beatrix say open the door. So—
(a sudden world-shattering revelation)
Oh, oh. Oh! OHH!
BARTHOLOMEW
-pen.
ROBERT
You just need to sound like Beatrix! You can do it. Come on, Barty. It’s easy! You spend all this time with her, now just do a Beatrix voice. Go “Oh! Let’s go on an adventure!” Can you try it?
BARTHOLOMEW
(in a high voice)
Uh… “Mmm, boy, I love scouting!” No, no. Hang on, I got in here! I just came in here! I opened the door, it was fine.
ROBERT
Oh!
BARTHOLOMEW
Maybe I can only open it from the outside?
ROBERT
Oh… I’m going to go get Captain!
Robert runs off.
BARTHOLOMEW
Have I not closed it all this time?
LOUNGE
Robert runs in.
ROBERT
Captain! Captain!
CAPTAIN
What, is Beatrix coming? Everybody hide!
ROBERT
Oh! Hide! Beatrix is coming! Hide!
Panic ensues. They both run around shouting and crashing into furniture. Plates smash.
Silence.
CAPTAIN
I hope I don’t have to stay in this compromising position for a long period of time.
ROBERT
Oh! I forgot… Captain—Barty, he’s locked in his room, so he’s not going to be able to hide here in the kitchen with us.
CAPTAIN
What?! No, the whole group needs to be here! That’s part of the surprise!
ROBERT
I was coming to get you but then you shouted and I threw the bowls in the air and hid!
CAPTAIN
I thought that Beatrix—!
ROBERT
Sorry, you got ice cream on your shoulders. Sorry!
CAPTAIN
(grumbles)
Alright, I’ll go. I’ll go get him.
ROBERT
Okay, I’m gonna stay hiding.
The door shuts as Captain heads out.
OUTSIDE BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
Captain clears her throat and knocks on the door.
CAPTAIN
Hello. We’re missing one more guest at a certain somebody’s birthday party.
BARTHOLOMEW
I told you, I was going to be in Beatrix’s room and then I stormed out angrily, and now I’m here and now I’m locked in here anyway. I can’t get out. So go—
CAPTAIN
What do you mean, you’re locked in? Just open the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
I can’t! I don’t sound like Beatrix.
CAPTAIN
(does a squeaky imitation of Beatrix)
What? It’s like up here, kinda—“Uh, I’m Beatrix!” like that, just do that. “Open the doooor!”
BARTHOLOMEW
“I love picnics and I need this door open to go to my next one!”
CAPTAIN
There you go!
BARTHOLOMEW
No… I sounded like a witch in a forest waiting for Hansel and Gretel.
CAPTAIN
All right. Well, if you can’t come to the party, the party’s comin’ to you. We’re gonna set up the party right outside of this door. Okay?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, just… just leave me in here. Okay? You guys have your party and I’ll just, I’ll keep working on it.
CAPTAIN
No! No one’s left behind on a birthday.
Al, start moving the lights!
The Captain marches back toward the kitchen.
AL
Okay! They’re hot.
MONTAGE
Bartholomew makes several more attempts.
BARTHOLOMEW
“Bartholomew, you really need to shave your mustache… and open the door. It will help.”
“Bartholomew, we can’t have the rumble feature on all night.”
“Uhh… no, no, the shop just appeared. I didn’t cause it!”
“Creatures!!”
LOUNGE—THE NEXT DAY
ROBERT
Ah! Uh, good to see you, Bartholomew. Thank you. Sorry for having to, you know… glad you got out.
Have a seat. I’m just waiting for the Captain. We we wanted to apologize to you. It’s awkward. I’ll just—BARTHOLOMEW
Yes… I didn’t realize you were exploding the wall when I—
ROBERT
No, no, it’s our fault. I can’t believe we didn’t realize Beatrix wasn’t here. We were so excited about the party, ha ha.
AL
And I should apologize as well as Al, because I forgot to tell you guys that there was a handle on the door…
BARTHOLOMEW
Handle…
AL
so that’s on me too.
Everyone always wants me to do such high tech stuff, but some of this stuff’s just like a door.
ROBERT
Oh, and don’t speak loud when the Captain comes. We were up partying pretty late, ha ha. I think she’s a little hungover. You know how she gets.
BARTHOLOMEW
Should have thought of a handle, that’s socially conventional.
The door opens and the Captain staggers in.
CAPTAIN
Ugh. Hey, boys.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hi, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Why are the lights so bright in here? Can we turn those down?
AL
Yeah, I don’t know how to get them off.
CAPTAIN
Oh, man. Are they still all from the party last night?
AL
Yeah, strobe light, black light, disco ball light…
CAPTAIN
That was such a fun time.
Hey, did Beatrix have a good time? I don’t remember quite seeing her.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
SEAN HOWARD
Scene!
Laughter.
SEAN
Yay! Waiting For Godot, Beatrix style.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
That was fun!
SEAN
That was fun, guys.
TYRA BANDA
Yeah.
PHIL JOHNSTON
I did also have fun.