Captain tries to rally the crew to go and find Beatrix – but Bartholomew is nowhere to be found.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: Death, suicide, drowning, blood and food safety violations.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
STOREROOM
The Captain is frantically gathering supplies.
CAPTAIN
We need to go. We need to go now.
AL
Right now? But I—
CAPTAIN
Go get everybody. Get Robert, get Birthday Cake, we need to go right now.
AL
Okay, now, okay, I’m gonna—I’m looking for them, I’ll find them, I’m going, I’m gone, I’m still here, but I’m everywhere, I’m going, okay!
Alarms begin to blare. Al’s voice comes in from loudspeakers all over the base.
AL
Oh my god! This is an alarm, this is Al delivering an alarm, now, to Robert and Bartholomew, alarm is going off, the alarm is me, it is a live alarm that I am doing…
CAPTAIN
You know, I knew we shouldn’t have gotten those chocolate bagels, they distract us from the real thing that we need to be focused on.
AL
(on just the room’s speaker again)
I hear that sugar just rots your brain and then you can’t remember anything, like a rat in a maze. There’s alarms going off, there’s—all my lights are on.
CAPTAIN
Do you have any idea where Beatrix is at this moment?
AL
Um, well, she went north. And then there’s only three other directions from there. So.
CAPTAIN
North. Okay.
The door opens and Robert runs in.
ROBERT
I’m ready! I’m ready. I got it. I got guns!
CAPTAIN
(startled)
Oh, Jesus. Oh my god. You and the guns! I already know you shot Al, so give me the guns, how about that?
ROBERT
Oh, okay.
He hands them over meekly.
CAPTAIN
This is a very serious mission, everybody. I’m not playing around. Beatrix is out there on some very, very dangerous territory and she needs to come back.
ROBERT
Okay. Mission. Okay, so who’s leaving the base?
CAPTAIN
Everybody.
ROBERT
By everyone, you mean like, me too, or…? Oh, okay.
CAPTAIN
All of us are going to go. Do you understand?
ROBERT
Yes.
CAPTAIN
Good. All right, everybody ready?
ROBERT
All right. I just haven’t been able to find Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Who?
ROBERT
Oh, sorry—Basement…
CAPTAIN
Oh, Basement Suite. Oh, no, he’s coming.
ROBERT
Oh, okay. Good. That’s good.
CAPTAIN
Yeah. He should be, right Al? He’s coming.
AL
Um, well, in theory, we’re all going somewhere so he could be coming here.
POD
Bartholomew wakes up inside a pod.
BARTHOLOMEW
All right.
I mean, this doesn’t feel like a good one.
(looks around him)
No, this, this is not my design.
This is a bit of a long shot, but… Alberta. Can you hear me?
Beep.
AL
Ah, oh, hey, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, yeah, Bartholomew… “Barty” is usually cool.
AL
Everyone is looking for you right now.
BARTY
Is that right?
AL
Yeah, you showed up at just the right time, there’s quite a panic, so, Beatrix has been missing for, oh god, I think about a month now, maybe? I’m not good at dates, so no one take that and set it in stone.
BARTY
“Beatrix”, huh? We’re getting real fast and loose with the ends of these names now, huh?
AL
Oh! Your demeanour is different. I’m gonna—wait. I’m just scanning you a bit.
Beeping and whirring.
AL
Okay. Oh! Okay… Oh!
BARTY
No, I’ve gotten that before. Cheers. I appreciate it. Listen…
BUNKER
Beatrix tries to control her panic.
BEATRIX
Oh my gosh. Ok, calm down, Beatrix. It’s old blood. It’s old blood, you know that new blood is red. This is a different color. This is dark and brown, and it’s written on the wall saying HELP US HELP US.
Okay, well. Okay. Shake the flashlight, shake the flashlight.
She rattles her malfunctioning flashlight.
BEATRIX
You’re okay. Let’s just, let’s try and find something. Beatrice led us here for a reason.
She walks on down a long corridor.
BEATRIX
Okay, here we go. Oh, Al would love this place. Looks like lots of long echoes.
She stops dead. And bends down to pick something up. It crinkles.
BEATRIX
Huh? Is this a bag of chips!? OH MY GOD IT’S A BAG OF CHIPS—wait, wait, it’s open. Wait a second.
(she eats a chip)
These aren’t more than six months old. By my best estimate—
(she eats another)
these are only a few weeks or so since the bag’s been open.
(and another)
If I’m trying to follow my gut…
That means someone else is here.
STOREROOM
ROBERT
Look, I’m doing the best I can. I’m just not really good when I’m rushed, captain. I just need to know, like, how many grams of water and how much food, which bagels—
CAPTAIN
Oh my goodness man! Do you know what a state of emergency is? Forget the water. Forget the food. We’re just gonna go!
ROBERT
Right. Okay. I’m on your back.
CAPTAIN
Ow, get off my back, that hurts!
ROBERT
Sorry. Okay, okay.
CAPTAIN
Okay, roll call. We know you’re here because you caused me a back problem. Al, you here?
AL
Yeah, I’m back.
CAPTAIN
Alright. Butane, you here?
AL
What? He… he’s coming?
(a new beep)
I’m lying.
CAPTAIN
Everybody has to come. Where is he?
AL
He’s down in the main pod bay and he’s not doing anything.
(beep)
I’m lying.
CAPTAIN
I have to do everything myself. I’m getting him my darn self.
She marches out the door.
ROBERT
I could go get him! I could go—she’s gone.
Well Al, I guess it’s just you and me getting ready for the mission.
AL
Yeah, um, what are you gonna bring?
ROBERT
Well, nothing, Captain’s said to put it all down. So I’m just bringing nothing.
AL
I have no hands. So I’m not bringing anything either.
ROBERT
Oh, look at that, peas in a pod. Except you’re in a computer.
AL
Yeah.
(beat)
Do you want to talk about shooting me in the face when I was a child?
ROBERT
Oh, look at that! There’s the captain calling. I gotta go!
He races out.
AL
Robert—aww!
POD
BARTY
So Alberta?
AL
Yeah, honestly, Barty, I go by Al now.
BARTY
Oh.
AL
But I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what it means to be what I am. So…
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, well, hey, that’s common at your age. But listen. I know when we did our pod design. Right? We uploaded that AI version of you.
AL
Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. And it worked all right. It was a little strange, the AI sometimes, but it was good. And from what I recall—I mean, I may not recall clearly, I’ve been through a lot, dying and all—but from what I recall, you were supposed to have control of all pods in the immediate vicinity. So my question is this: Is there any pod, maybe one of mine, anywhere close, that won’t give me the two kneecaps per leg that I’m currently experiencing?
AL
Whoa. Okay…
(struggles for a moment—another of the new beep sounds)
I’ll tell the truth. I started lying recently. Anyways, there is, but, okay, but the thing is, there’s some stuff down there that shouldn’t come out of there that’s in the pod room. So I sealed that off like day one of being a robot computer.
Outside, the muffled sound of a door and footsteps.
CAPTAIN
(in the distance)
Hello. Hello. Hello, British Columbia? We gotta go! State of emergency! Where are you?
AL
That’s the Captain. She’s the best.
CAPTAIN
Hello?
BARTY
Listen Al. I’m sure it’s fine. Just send me to the main working my-pods. Alright. Okay, suck me back out of here. Send me over there.
AL
Killing you softly!
A valve clanks open and water begins to rush in.
OUTSIDE THE POD
The door opens again and Robert enters.
ROBERT
There you are, Captain!
CAPTAIN
I thought you said he was down here. There’s nobody here.
ROBERT
Well… there’s a pod filling up with water here with somebody’s arms flailing around.
They rush over.
AL
I’m killing him. He asked me to!
CAPTAIN
I demand you to open this pod immediately!
AL
But then all the water is gonna get on the floor and everyone’s gonna get wet!
CAPTAIN
No shit! Open it! Open it now!
AL
Oh, fine, man. It’s—I have too many authority figures now! I used to answer to no one and now I have all these—
CAPTAIN
Welcome to being a teenager, Al! Now open the pod!
BUNKER
BEATRIX
Okay, so, from the looks of it, someone has been here recently. Or some thing…
Okay. Use your scouting abilities now, Beatrix. Let’s look through, maybe, maybe Beatrice left something behind?
Okay, let’s… this is really dusty. But maybe the computer will turn on the main source?
She brushes off some dust and wipes the screen.
BEATRIX
Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do… is to press Power.
Let’s hope something happens.
She presses the button. A fan whirs and a chime sounds.
BEATRIX
(gasps)
POD ROOM
The Captain pounds on the glass front of the pod, but only manages to hurt herself.
CAPTAIN
Ow! Fuck!
She staggers back.
ROBERT
Are you okay?
CAPTAIN
We need to go now. Open the pod!
AL
I don’t like that the thing that am I supposed to ask you about is hurting. Boom!
The pod door opens and a massive flood of water spills out. A gasp from Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Why would you try to kill yourself?! We have an emergency right now!
BARTHOLOMEW
I…
CAPTAIN
Are you gonna explain yourself?!
BARTHOLOMEW
It… worked…
He collapses to the floor.
CAPTAIN
What just happened?
ROBERT
I think he’s dead, Captain!
CAPTAIN
Dammit! We have to go now.
ROBERT
Okay. All right. I’ve dropped everything. I have nothing. I’m ready to go.
CAPTAIN
Right, let’s go, Go. Go go go go go!
ROBERT
Go go go go go!
They run out the door.
ANOTHER POD
A pod beeps and grinds before opening—it’s an earlier model than the usual ones.
BARTY
(yawns hugely)
Al?
He steps out.
AL
Hey! Everyone is so mad at me right now.
BARTY
What happened?
AL
I killed you, you killed yourself, everyone left, I’m coming with them, but I’m staying here too.
BARTY
No, no, you didn’t kill me, he—I asked you to do that.
AL
Wait, which? Oh, okay… do you like having tons of fun and being cool? Or do you like Beatrice? I guess.
BARTY
Beatrice, what? No, she, you know, she’s fine, but I mean, Beatrix, she’s—she’s great. I mean, Beatrix is just, you know, she’s so exuberant and exciting all the time.
AL
Okay, what do you want? Okay, what’s up Bartholomew? This is gonna end poorly now.
BARTY
Bartholomew? I mean Barty is—but no, I prefer Bartholomew.
But Barty is so much more laid back. I’m a laid back kind of—
Aaargh!
AL
I can tell you’re having an identity crisis because I’m going through one myself.
BUNKER
Beatrix is typing on the dusty computer terminal.
BEATRIX
Okay, all right. Files… if Bartholomew were here he’d be so excited!
Okay. All right. Let’s open… okay, a… Beatrice file! A Beatrice file. Okay, I’m clicking… Password?!
If I were me but not me what would my password be? Oh, come on. Beatrice? Beatrix? It’s got to be in there.
Oh, of course, of course, that… I remember. How could I forget?
She punches in a lengthy password. Beeping.
BEATRIX
I’m in!
Of course…
It’s been there all along.
You’ve been there all along.
OUTSIDE
The rest of the crew are walking through a meadow.
CAPTAIN
Did anybody bring some water?
ROBERT
No! Check!
AL
Check.
CAPTAIN
No? What? Goddammit!
ROBERT
You said “no water” so, check!
CAPTAIN
I never—I never said “no water”.
ROBERT
Well, no, you’re right. You just said “Drop it all, we have to go.”
AL
Dammit. I thought someone said “Now ater.”
CAPTAIN
We need to change Al’s batteries soon.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
KRISTI BOULTON
Cut to Beatrix.
But also, let’s not forget that Bartholomew is in this isolated new main pod bay, it’s very exciting.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
So hang on, I thought the main pod room was just the pod that we’ve been using all along.
SEAN HOWARD
It is the pod room.
KRISTI BOULTON
Never mind. Never mind. Because Al said that he had this place that he’d blocked off because it’s full of bad things. I thought that’s where you—
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
I didn’t understand that.
PHIL JOHNSTON
You’re there now, buddy.