While Beatrix continues on her predecessor’s trail, the rest of the crew pry into one another’s lives.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: Guns, heights, death, grief and nosey parkers.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
OFFICE
ROBERT
Well, Bartholomew, I think these stories you’re telling me are very important. I’m just not quite understanding the whole setup of Al telling you all these stories and… it just seems a little far-fetched.
BARTHOLOMEW
It seems far-fetched that Al would tell me a story?
ROBERT
Well yeah, that he would tell you a story that goes back so far—BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. I understand what you’re grappling with. You may not be the only one. I’m grappling with it too.
ROBERT
Right.
BARTHOLOMEW
‘Cause there was this person called Barty. And now I’m a person called Bartholomew. And there was this person called Robert, and you are that person.
ROBERT
Right. Director Tinsley.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes, yes. And there were—
ROBERT
I knew Barty. A little annoying. You know, a little scatterbrained. I must say I really prefer Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh!
ROBERT
You know, you keep a tight ship. Your room is always ordered, and organized, and clean…
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, well, okay. So maybe let’s start there. You know Barty. You knew Barty.
ROBERT
Yeah. Well, I, I couldn’t say I was, you know, very close. You know, I was his superior. And, you know, you’ve got to keep things professional.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, no, no, of course, I understand that completely.
ROBERT
Right.
BARTHOLOMEW
In fact, on the org chart that I’ve created of the organization that you had back in time, once you came into our lives,
ROBERT
You have that? Where? I’d love to see that.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, it’s laminated in my office.
Um… Why don’t we try to figure out these pods?
ROBERT
The pods.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah!
ROBERT
Right. Well, well, you see, it gets a little difficult there. There’s, you know, protocols and security and need-to-know basis, about the pods. So they’re a little touchy. We shouldn’t even be referring to the pods, to be honest. I get things have changed. And yes, supposedly, I’m way into the future, but… I don’t know, it’s still hard for me because you know, they were top secret.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. See, here’s where I’m at, Robert.
ROBERT
Dr. Tinsley—Director Tinsley. I was gonna be a doctor… long story, you know, my parents wanted me to be a doctor, and I started to be a doctor and—but you know, didn’t do so great in school—sorry. I’m on a tangent. Go ahead.
BARTHOLOMEW
It just, it seems to me given that you and Al were actually back there… if the two of you sort of put your heads together, you might be able to explain more than I can.
ROBERT
Well, see, I wasn’t back there with Al. I knew an Alberta, a precocious young, you know, child who could do anything, very smart.
I’m still not quite following the whole “Alberta’s in the computer”… thing.
KITCHEN
The Captain is eating.
AL
Hey, Captain, sorry to bother you while you were in the kitchen.
CAPTAIN
Oh, no worries at all, Al. You’re never a bother.
AL
Um, well, I just had a question. Are you eating right now? Or are you pretending to eat? Or is that like a special robot meal…?
CAPTAIN
What? Why are you asking me this right now?
AL
Well, because—okay, so I’m a 14-year-old boy whose mind was uploaded into a computer.
CAPTAIN
Okay…
AL
And now I’ve lived for thousands of years as a sentient sort of building.
CAPTAIN
Wait, are you still 14 though? If you’ve lived for thousands of years?
AL
Well, honestly, that’s why I wanted to ask some questions, because you’re a robot body—
The Captain puts down her spoon.
CAPTAIN
Okay. You’re just assuming things about my body which is first of all, so rude. Okay.
AL
Oh my, see?
CAPTAIN
This is a workplace, so I don’t know where this is coming from.
AL
I—it’s coming from a place of ignorance but also of scared confusion. And maybe, of thinking I could see myself anew.
CAPTAIN
Al… why don’t you sit down?
AL
I…
CAPTAIN
Or, your way of sitting down? I don’t really know.
AL
I guess at the end of the day, I don’t really know either. Do I say I’m sitting, but do I even have a body like you have a body?
CAPTAIN
Yes. Yes, I do. Um, the idea of existing is just so complex that I don’t even know if we can get through it while I’m done my lunch.
I really don’t know how to answer these questions that you’re asking me, but I just hope that you trust me as your Captain.
AL
I trust you more than anyone I think I’ve ever trusted before.
CAPTAIN
(touched)
Al, thank you.
WILDERNESS
Wind gusts. Beatrix hikes along a ridge, holding a tracking device that beeps regularly. She presses some buttons.
BEATRIX
(to herself)
Okay. These are the coordinates, this is where she’s led me. The messages stop here. Okay, let me just play it back…
She opens a portable computer and presses more buttons. A video plays.
BEATRICE
(on the video)
So if you’re hearing this; follow these markers and you will find the answers you’re looking for.
We’re leaving the base. Please find us.
The video ends.
BEATRIX
Please find you, please find you, please find you where?! I’m just looking at a crater. This is just an overgrown rock! Argh!
She kicks a stone into the crater. It bounces several times, then lands with a dull clang.
BEATRIX
Wait… that sounded like metal.
Wait, does that mean…? Let me kick another one.
She does. It tumbles down and hits with another clang.
BEATRIX
(gasps)
That’s definitely metal. That’s not the sound of of a rocky base. I know what a rocky base sounds like, it feels like… ugh, so many memories! Okay. Rope. Yes. Rope.
She digs in her backpack.
BEATRIX
Okay, I’ll just tie this here…
She grunts as she ties off the rope. Carabiners snap shut.
BEATRIX
(deep breaths)
You got this Beatrix! You got this. You’re going into a dark pit, a dark pit where you don’t really know what’s at the bottom. It’s fine. You’ve never rapelled but you are not going to repel this idea just because you’re scared. You’re gonna—you’re gonna do this. You got this. Hrrrgh! Do it… do it for Beatrice.
She steadies herself at the top of the crater.
BEATRIX
I wish Bartholomew were here.
Okay.
She lets out the rope and begins to descend.
OFFICE
ROBERT
I must say, these charts are amazing! Like, you… such detail. I don’t even remember all these names on the crew, it is impressive work.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, well! It’s nothing really. There were a few old files in in the computer, so I picked some up from there. And of course you mumble in your sleep.
ROBERT
What?
Well, uh… this is great! I’m just gonna take this, you know, just roll it up. Do you have any things you put together about the pods you were talking about?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, see, that’s where I’ve run into difficulty. So we’ve been using these pods in Al, the base. And then you used a pod and it functioned, uh… differently. And you had said that Barty had been working on some pods, but that he was also like a, you know, super awesome engineer. So he probably made good ones—
ROBERT
What I say in my sleep should stay in my sleep, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, but you really emphasized the super awesome engineer. So I just assumed that that he would have quality work.
ROBERT
Okay, and your point is?
BARTHOLOMEW
My point is, where did the third-arm-making pods come from?
KITCHEN
CAPTAIN
Al, have you ever lost somebody? Anyone important to you?
AL
Well… now that I think about it, I guess I’ve lost everyone who’s ever been important to me in my entire life at least once, if not many times.
CAPTAIN
Many times. Wow.
I recently lost someone close to me and I think once was enough.
AL
Were they physically close to you? Or emotionally close to you?
CAPTAIN
Both, really? I mean, he never left my side. We were kinda—oh, what’s a good combo? Mm, like, chicken and noodles?
AL
Mmmmm!
CAPTAIN
No, there’s a better one. Oh, we were like peanut butter and… more peanut butter. You know, we were close. We were very, very close.
AL
Oh! Crunchy mixed with smooth!
CAPTAIN
Yeah. My son was very smooth.
AL
Was he like your co-captain?
CAPTAIN
Yeah. Yeah, he was my co-captain.
AL
Wow. I think I wanted to be a captain one time.
CAPTAIN
Yeah? What stopped you?
AL
Well, um, when I was growing up, I got shot in the head by a man.
CAPTAIN
Oh my god!
AL
Yeah. So there was a really, really bad day where everyone came back as zombies. And then my, I thought, friend Robert, who’s recently re-entered the picture, if you haven’t noticed—he shot me in the head because I was a security risk.
CAPTAIN
Robert shot you in the head?!
AL
Yeah, so then—
CAPTAIN
This was not in the HR report!
CRATER
Soft zipping of the rope as Beatrix continues her descent.
BEATRIX
Okay, just a few more feet… I see the bottom, I see the bottom. Here we go. Hrrrgh!
She descends the last few feet all at once and lands with a clang.
She sits up.
BEATRIX
Oh, I’m not dead! I’m not dead. I touched the ground! Oh, sweet, sweet metal, I could kiss you! I won’t kiss you. I don’t know how long you’ve been here and what kind of particles are on you. But we’re here. We’re okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. So. Just gotta find…
She bangs on the ground.
BEATRIX
Okay, it sounds thick. But if I move over here—that’s still thick, there’s got to be an opening so—She keeps banging, until there’s a more hollow-sounding clang.
BEATRIX
That sounds hollow! Hollow metal! Okay, there’s something under here.
With effort, Beatrix starts pushing away boulders.
BEATRIX
Nngh! There’s so many rocks. Okay, um, yeah knock, keep knocking, keep knocking, follow the—a latch!
She opens it.
BEATRIX
Ha ha! Okay! All right. All right.
She wrenches open a hatch. Gravel tumbles down into an echoing structure.
BEATRIX
Oh my god… there’s stuff down there! Where’s my flashlight?
Alright, Beatrice. Where are we going next?
OLD POD ROOM
Robert walks along, reading from a file. Bartholomew trails behind him.
ROBERT
This file is amazing. Oh, here we are. We’re at the original pods. That’s it right there. That’s the original Robert Tinsley pod… you’re asking about, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, no—very impressive. But the whole third arm thing—maybe a little less impressive in the great schemes?
ROBERT
I’d really appreciate if we could just leave that out of the reports, Bartholomew. I’m just a little sensitive about it. Okay?
Please! Go forward. I want you to be able to inspect the original pod there. Go ahead.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, the thing is inspecting it is all well and good. I more want to know who was sabotaging the base with a bunch of defective pods. And how did nobody know about it? And how did someone who was obviously so good at engineering like Barty allow that to stick around?
ROBERT
You sure you don’t want to inspect the pod? I just thought you might want to inspect the pod…
BARTHOLOMEW
No, I’ve been asking these questions for like two or three hours in this conversation now, I’d really just like an answer.
Robert draws a gun and powers it up.
ROBERT
Sorry, Bartholomew. There’s a protocol when the pods are brought up. And I appreciate you giving me the file. And I apologize for this.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Don’t shoot.
Robert powers down the gun again.
ROBERT
Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
…I haven’t seen a protocol like that. Is it possible… you just make up that there are protocols when you start feeling uncomfortable in a situation?
ROBERT
Well, this got really personal really fast.
He shoots Bartholomew.
KITCHEN
AL
Yeah, so after that, it was, um, you know, upload the boy into the computer, and then who knows what parts of his brain were still in there. So… it’s kind of hard to even remember who I was, and how I’m supposed to figure out who I’m supposed to be now. And then I spent forever alone…
CAPTAIN
You know, it’s hard to figure out who you are as a human too.
AL
So you are human, just like me, with the brain of a human, with the body of computers.
CAPTAIN
Please stop asking about my body. I’ve already told you, I don’t like it.
AL
Can I ask you a different question then?
CAPTAIN
Sure, Al.
AL
Are you my mom? And before you answer… can you be?
BUNKER
Beatrix leaps down and lands on a metal floor.
BEATRIX
Okay. All right. Oh, it’s dark. Okay, flashlight. Flashlight. Come on… shake it—
She tries her flashlight several times before it works, then pulls out her portable computer again.
BEATRIX
Let’s just listen back one more time. All right. Rewind, rewind. What is she saying? Okay…
The video plays from the top.
BEATRICE
(on the video)
The experiment has failed. Try as we might, we couldn’t escape them. So many dead.
We tried. We tried our best, we—we fought the best we could, we fought them the best we could but it’s like they were inside us. Sometimes you could hear their voices ringing in your ears… I don’t know what happened to Bartholomew… Barty. I don’t know what happened to Alberta. The director has been acting strange. All I know is that there are a group of us who are going to try and get out.
So if you’re hearing this; follow these markers and you will find the answers you’re looking for.
We’re leaving the base. Please find us.
BEATRIX
Okay, well, I’m here. Flashlight, dammit, how many times do I have to shake you before—oh! There we go—
(she gasps as she looks around)
Oh! Oh my g—
There’s so much blood…
KITCHEN
The Captain recoils suddenly.
CAPTAIN
Ow!
Ow…
AL
Captain, what’s wrong?
CAPTAIN
Sorry… I just—I got this ache on my side.
(sits up sharply)
Wait, did we ever find Beatrix?
OLD POD ROOM
Robert is pacing.
ROBERT
I would have thought that the pod would have filled up by now…
Al?
Beep.
AL
(distraught)
Yes Robert?
ROBERT
(starts to correct Al, then stops)
Dir… Robert’s fine. Um…
Al, there was an accident… something happened to Bartholomew and I was just—I was wondering which pod he was going to reiterate into.
None of the pods seem to be lighting up, Al.
AL
Well, there’s a lot of them. you’ll probably have to search through them. Who knows if one of the lights busted, you know, bulbs burn and…
ROBERT
Right.
AL
I’ve had quite a few angsty times.
ROBERT
Yeah, well, I just thought, you know, as like the all-seeing computer, you could just tell me which pod he’s lighting up and coming back in.
AL
(breaks down crying)
I’m kind of going through my own thing right now, okay!?
ROBERT
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, don’t cry. Oh, no.
Zapping noises as Al goes on crying. Alarms start to sound.
ROBERT
Whoa, things are shorting out, Al! Oh, okay. Thank you, Al.
Something catches fire, and sprinklers start up in response.
ROBERT
I’ll take it from here. Sorry to bother you.
(to himself)
We need someone to deal with a morale issue.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
SEAN HOWARD
Okay, why don’t we do this? Why don’t we do “The One…”
TYRA BANDA
“The One Where We Figure Out The Plot Holes.”
Laughter.
SEAN
Yeah, here we go—
PHIL JOHNSTON
That’s been every episode since I started.