407: Bodies

While Beatrix continues on her predecessor’s trail, the rest of the crew pry into one another’s lives.

Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard

Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Content warning: Guns, heights, death, grief and nosey parkers.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

OFFICE

ROBERT

Well, Bartholomew, I think these stories you’re telling me are very important. I’m just not quite understanding the whole setup of Al telling you all these stories and… it just seems a little far-fetched.

BARTHOLOMEW

It seems far-fetched that Al would tell me a story?

ROBERT

Well yeah, that he would tell you a story that goes back so far—BARTHOLOMEW

Okay. I understand what you’re grappling with. You may not be the only one. I’m grappling with it too.

ROBERT

Right.

BARTHOLOMEW

‘Cause there was this person called Barty. And now I’m a person called Bartholomew. And there was this person called Robert, and you are that person.

ROBERT

Right. Director Tinsley.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, yes. And there were—

ROBERT

I knew Barty. A little annoying. You know, a little scatterbrained. I must say I really prefer Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh!

ROBERT

You know, you keep a tight ship. Your room is always ordered, and organized, and clean…

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, well, okay. So maybe let’s start there. You know Barty. You knew Barty.

ROBERT

Yeah. Well, I, I couldn’t say I was, you know, very close. You know, I was his superior. And, you know, you’ve got to keep things professional.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, no, no, of course, I understand that completely.

ROBERT

Right.

BARTHOLOMEW

In fact, on the org chart that I’ve created of the organization that you had back in time, once you came into our lives,

ROBERT

You have that? Where? I’d love to see that.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, it’s laminated in my office.

Um… Why don’t we try to figure out these pods?

ROBERT

The pods.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah!

ROBERT

Right. Well, well, you see, it gets a little difficult there. There’s, you know, protocols and security and need-to-know basis, about the pods. So they’re a little touchy. We shouldn’t even be referring to the pods, to be honest. I get things have changed. And yes, supposedly, I’m way into the future, but… I don’t know, it’s still hard for me because you know, they were top secret.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay. See, here’s where I’m at, Robert.

ROBERT

Dr. Tinsley—Director Tinsley. I was gonna be a doctor… long story, you know, my parents wanted me to be a doctor, and I started to be a doctor and—but you know, didn’t do so great in school—sorry. I’m on a tangent. Go ahead.

BARTHOLOMEW

It just, it seems to me given that you and Al were actually back there… if the two of you sort of put your heads together, you might be able to explain more than I can.

ROBERT

Well, see, I wasn’t back there with Al. I knew an Alberta, a precocious young, you know, child who could do anything, very smart.

I’m still not quite following the whole “Alberta’s in the computer”… thing.

KITCHEN

The Captain is eating.

AL

Hey, Captain, sorry to bother you while you were in the kitchen.

CAPTAIN

Oh, no worries at all, Al. You’re never a bother.

AL

Um, well, I just had a question. Are you eating right now? Or are you pretending to eat? Or is that like a special robot meal…?

CAPTAIN

What? Why are you asking me this right now?

AL

Well, because—okay, so I’m a 14-year-old boy whose mind was uploaded into a computer.

CAPTAIN

Okay…

AL

And now I’ve lived for thousands of years as a sentient sort of building.

CAPTAIN

Wait, are you still 14 though? If you’ve lived for thousands of years?

AL

Well, honestly, that’s why I wanted to ask some questions, because you’re a robot body—

The Captain puts down her spoon.

CAPTAIN

Okay. You’re just assuming things about my body which is first of all, so rude. Okay.

AL

Oh my, see?

CAPTAIN

This is a workplace, so I don’t know where this is coming from.

AL

I—it’s coming from a place of ignorance but also of scared confusion. And maybe, of thinking I could see myself anew.

CAPTAIN

Al… why don’t you sit down?

AL

I…

CAPTAIN

Or, your way of sitting down? I don’t really know.

AL

I guess at the end of the day, I don’t really know either. Do I say I’m sitting, but do I even have a body like you have a body?

CAPTAIN

Yes. Yes, I do. Um, the idea of existing is just so complex that I don’t even know if we can get through it while I’m done my lunch.

I really don’t know how to answer these questions that you’re asking me, but I just hope that you trust me as your Captain.

AL

I trust you more than anyone I think I’ve ever trusted before.

CAPTAIN

(touched)

Al, thank you.

WILDERNESS

Wind gusts. Beatrix hikes along a ridge, holding a tracking device that beeps regularly. She presses some buttons.

BEATRIX

(to herself)

Okay. These are the coordinates, this is where she’s led me. The messages stop here. Okay, let me just play it back…

She opens a portable computer and presses more buttons. A video plays.

BEATRICE

(on the video)

So if you’re hearing this; follow these markers and you will find the answers you’re looking for.

We’re leaving the base. Please find us.

The video ends.

BEATRIX

Please find you, please find you, please find you where?! I’m just looking at a crater. This is just an overgrown rock! Argh!

She kicks a stone into the crater. It bounces several times, then lands with a dull clang.

BEATRIX

Wait… that sounded like metal.

Wait, does that mean…? Let me kick another one.

She does. It tumbles down and hits with another clang.

BEATRIX

(gasps)

That’s definitely metal. That’s not the sound of of a rocky base. I know what a rocky base sounds like, it feels like… ugh, so many memories! Okay. Rope. Yes. Rope.

She digs in her backpack.

BEATRIX

Okay, I’ll just tie this here…

She grunts as she ties off the rope. Carabiners snap shut.

BEATRIX

(deep breaths)

You got this Beatrix! You got this. You’re going into a dark pit, a dark pit where you don’t really know what’s at the bottom. It’s fine. You’ve never rapelled but you are not going to repel this idea just because you’re scared. You’re gonna—you’re gonna do this. You got this. Hrrrgh! Do it… do it for Beatrice.

She steadies herself at the top of the crater.

BEATRIX

I wish Bartholomew were here.

Okay.

She lets out the rope and begins to descend.

OFFICE

ROBERT

I must say, these charts are amazing! Like, you… such detail. I don’t even remember all these names on the crew, it is impressive work.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, well! It’s nothing really. There were a few old files in in the computer, so I picked some up from there. And of course you mumble in your sleep.

ROBERT

What?

Well, uh… this is great! I’m just gonna take this, you know, just roll it up. Do you have any things you put together about the pods you were talking about?

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, see, that’s where I’ve run into difficulty. So we’ve been using these pods in Al, the base. And then you used a pod and it functioned, uh… differently. And you had said that Barty had been working on some pods, but that he was also like a, you know, super awesome engineer. So he probably made good ones—

ROBERT

What I say in my sleep should stay in my sleep, Barty.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, but you really emphasized the super awesome engineer. So I just assumed that that he would have quality work.

ROBERT

Okay, and your point is?

BARTHOLOMEW

My point is, where did the third-arm-making pods come from?

KITCHEN

CAPTAIN

Al, have you ever lost somebody? Anyone important to you?

AL

Well… now that I think about it, I guess I’ve lost everyone who’s ever been important to me in my entire life at least once, if not many times.

CAPTAIN

Many times. Wow.

I recently lost someone close to me and I think once was enough.

AL

Were they physically close to you? Or emotionally close to you?

CAPTAIN

Both, really? I mean, he never left my side. We were kinda—oh, what’s a good combo? Mm, like, chicken and noodles?

AL

Mmmmm!

CAPTAIN

No, there’s a better one. Oh, we were like peanut butter and… more peanut butter. You know, we were close. We were very, very close.

AL

Oh! Crunchy mixed with smooth!

CAPTAIN

Yeah. My son was very smooth.

AL

Was he like your co-captain?

CAPTAIN

Yeah. Yeah, he was my co-captain.

AL

Wow. I think I wanted to be a captain one time.

CAPTAIN

Yeah? What stopped you?

AL

Well, um, when I was growing up, I got shot in the head by a man.

CAPTAIN

Oh my god!

AL

Yeah. So there was a really, really bad day where everyone came back as zombies. And then my, I thought, friend Robert, who’s recently re-entered the picture, if you haven’t noticed—he shot me in the head because I was a security risk.

CAPTAIN

Robert shot you in the head?!

AL

Yeah, so then—

CAPTAIN

This was not in the HR report!

CRATER

Soft zipping of the rope as Beatrix continues her descent.

BEATRIX

Okay, just a few more feet… I see the bottom, I see the bottom. Here we go. Hrrrgh!

She descends the last few feet all at once and lands with a clang.

She sits up.

BEATRIX

Oh, I’m not dead! I’m not dead. I touched the ground! Oh, sweet, sweet metal, I could kiss you! I won’t kiss you. I don’t know how long you’ve been here and what kind of particles are on you. But we’re here. We’re okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. So. Just gotta find…

She bangs on the ground.

BEATRIX

Okay, it sounds thick. But if I move over here—that’s still thick, there’s got to be an opening so—She keeps banging, until there’s a more hollow-sounding clang.

BEATRIX

That sounds hollow! Hollow metal! Okay, there’s something under here.

With effort, Beatrix starts pushing away boulders.

BEATRIX

Nngh! There’s so many rocks. Okay, um, yeah knock, keep knocking, keep knocking, follow the—a latch!

She opens it.

BEATRIX

Ha ha! Okay! All right. All right.

She wrenches open a hatch. Gravel tumbles down into an echoing structure.

BEATRIX

Oh my god… there’s stuff down there! Where’s my flashlight?

Alright, Beatrice. Where are we going next?

OLD POD ROOM

Robert walks along, reading from a file. Bartholomew trails behind him.

ROBERT

This file is amazing. Oh, here we are. We’re at the original pods. That’s it right there. That’s the original Robert Tinsley pod… you’re asking about, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no—very impressive. But the whole third arm thing—maybe a little less impressive in the great schemes?

ROBERT

I’d really appreciate if we could just leave that out of the reports, Bartholomew. I’m just a little sensitive about it. Okay?

Please! Go forward. I want you to be able to inspect the original pod there. Go ahead.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, the thing is inspecting it is all well and good. I more want to know who was sabotaging the base with a bunch of defective pods. And how did nobody know about it? And how did someone who was obviously so good at engineering like Barty allow that to stick around?

ROBERT

You sure you don’t want to inspect the pod? I just thought you might want to inspect the pod…

BARTHOLOMEW

No, I’ve been asking these questions for like two or three hours in this conversation now, I’d really just like an answer.

Robert draws a gun and powers it up.

ROBERT

Sorry, Bartholomew. There’s a protocol when the pods are brought up. And I appreciate you giving me the file. And I apologize for this.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Don’t shoot.

Robert powers down the gun again.

ROBERT

Okay.

BARTHOLOMEW

…I haven’t seen a protocol like that. Is it possible… you just make up that there are protocols when you start feeling uncomfortable in a situation?

ROBERT

Well, this got really personal really fast.

He shoots Bartholomew.

KITCHEN

AL

Yeah, so after that, it was, um, you know, upload the boy into the computer, and then who knows what parts of his brain were still in there. So… it’s kind of hard to even remember who I was, and how I’m supposed to figure out who I’m supposed to be now. And then I spent forever alone…

CAPTAIN

You know, it’s hard to figure out who you are as a human too.

AL

So you are human, just like me, with the brain of a human, with the body of computers.

CAPTAIN

Please stop asking about my body. I’ve already told you, I don’t like it.

AL

Can I ask you a different question then?

CAPTAIN

Sure, Al.

AL

Are you my mom? And before you answer… can you be?

BUNKER

Beatrix leaps down and lands on a metal floor.

BEATRIX

Okay. All right. Oh, it’s dark. Okay, flashlight. Flashlight. Come on… shake it—

She tries her flashlight several times before it works, then pulls out her portable computer again.

BEATRIX

Let’s just listen back one more time. All right. Rewind, rewind. What is she saying? Okay…

The video plays from the top.

BEATRICE

(on the video)

The experiment has failed. Try as we might, we couldn’t escape them. So many dead.

We tried. We tried our best, we—we fought the best we could, we fought them the best we could but it’s like they were inside us. Sometimes you could hear their voices ringing in your ears… I don’t know what happened to Bartholomew… Barty. I don’t know what happened to Alberta. The director has been acting strange. All I know is that there are a group of us who are going to try and get out.

So if you’re hearing this; follow these markers and you will find the answers you’re looking for.

We’re leaving the base. Please find us.

BEATRIX

Okay, well, I’m here. Flashlight, dammit, how many times do I have to shake you before—oh! There we go—

(she gasps as she looks around)

Oh! Oh my g—

There’s so much blood…

KITCHEN

The Captain recoils suddenly.

CAPTAIN

Ow!

Ow…

AL

Captain, what’s wrong?

CAPTAIN

Sorry… I just—I got this ache on my side.

(sits up sharply)

Wait, did we ever find Beatrix?

OLD POD ROOM

Robert is pacing.

ROBERT

I would have thought that the pod would have filled up by now…

Al?

Beep.

AL

(distraught)

Yes Robert?

ROBERT

(starts to correct Al, then stops)

Dir… Robert’s fine. Um…

Al, there was an accident… something happened to Bartholomew and I was just—I was wondering which pod he was going to reiterate into.

None of the pods seem to be lighting up, Al.

AL

Well, there’s a lot of them. you’ll probably have to search through them. Who knows if one of the lights busted, you know, bulbs burn and…

ROBERT

Right.

AL

I’ve had quite a few angsty times.

ROBERT

Yeah, well, I just thought, you know, as like the all-seeing computer, you could just tell me which pod he’s lighting up and coming back in.

AL

(breaks down crying)

I’m kind of going through my own thing right now, okay!?

ROBERT

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, don’t cry. Oh, no.

Zapping noises as Al goes on crying. Alarms start to sound.

ROBERT

Whoa, things are shorting out, Al! Oh, okay. Thank you, Al.

Something catches fire, and sprinklers start up in response.

ROBERT

I’ll take it from here. Sorry to bother you.

(to himself)

We need someone to deal with a morale issue.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

POST-CREDITS

SEAN HOWARD

Okay, why don’t we do this? Why don’t we do “The One…”

TYRA BANDA

“The One Where We Figure Out The Plot Holes.”

Laughter.

SEAN

Yeah, here we go—

PHIL JOHNSTON

That’s been every episode since I started.