NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

ROBERT

Oh—I’m sorry, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

The Captain and I are kind of in the middle of something. We talked about this.

ROBERT

Oh, sorry, Captain.

CAPTAIN

Oh, hi, Robert. No, please, please take your time.

ROBERT

Oh! Okay. I was just a little… worried, Bartholomew, about something that we’ve forgotten about. That isn’t here in the base anymore. That maybe we should talk about…

BARTHOLOMEW

Robert, you’re enunciating and hesitating in a way that that suggests you you clearly aren’t telling the truth. Now—

ROBERT

Is that a stack of seven binders?

CAPTAIN

It really is, Robert, it really is seven binders full.

BARTHOLOMEW

And we’re—

ROBERT

Are all of those the Captain’s personnel file?

CAPTAIN

Apparently you need to know all that about me. Isn’t that right, Baking Soda?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes. And we are on a strict 17-day schedule for completion.

CAPTAIN

Uh-huh. Yeah. So strict, so strict. Scheduled bathroom times, eating times. Very strict, strict, strict schedule we are on here.

ROBERT

I’ve noticed, because I haven’t been able to talk to Bartholomew—

CAPTAIN

(snaps her fingers)

Bartholomew! Right, shit.

ROBERT

…about the thing that’s not in the base that we may have forgotten about, that’s been gone too long now.

BARTHOLOMEW

Too long now? No, it’s only been—

ROBERT

And I know you still have five more wonderful days with the Captain… But I think maybe we should do something about the thing.

Al, are you listening?

AL

Yeah, I’ve been spying on you!

CAPTAIN

That’s my Al!

AL

(giggles)

ROBERT

Al… Beatrix is not on a one-day trip.

AL

Well, she has been gone for 12 days.

CAPTAIN

Wait, Beatrix hasn’t come back from her hike?

ROBERT

No.

BARTHOLOMEW

(furtive)

Robert!

ROBERT

Well, I think this is becoming a bit of a situation we have to deal with.

CAPTAIN

Is she missing?

ROBERT

Yes.

CAPTAIN

I think this requires the Captain. This requires that this be put on hold.

BARTHOLOMEW

What? No—

CAPTAIN

That the five days be exonerated, burned from the schedule, some would say, and that we attend to this situation immediately.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m—I’m sure—

ROBERT

Yes.

BARTHOLOMEW

(growls)

CAPTAIN

Great! Everybody. Let’s save Beatrix.

BEATRIX

(to herself)

Okay, so, need a higher altitude. All right, man. My calves never looked this good. All right. I wonder how everyone’s doing.

BEATRIX

Getting a bit low on water. Might be good to try and find a stream or something. But I know I just have one more day till I reach the precipice.

Wait… What’s that?

(squints and reads something in the distance)

“Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries.” That looks like—is that a store?!

KRAAL

(right beside her)

Yes, it is a store.

BEATRIX

Aack! Jeez! Oh god!

KRAAL

(New York accent)

Welcome to my store. Fantastic! First customer in over 100 years. That’s a lie. It’s been 30 days. C’mon in!

BEATRIX

Oh, you’re—oh, you’re pushing. All right, well, okay!

KRAAL

Come on. Come on.

KRAAL

Hi, my name is Kraal. This is my space sundries and junk store. If ever there’s anything you need—perhaps wires or copper plates, or perhaps a MacGuffin that will lead you to the next part of your adventure—you will find it in my store.

BEATRIX

Oh!

LUKE (SEAN)

I’m just, can you just put it on my tab? I’ll catch you next month.

KRAAL

Luke, I swear to God, I need those credits yesterday.

LUKE

I’m good. I’m good for ’em. I promise. I promise!

KRAAL

It’s okay. Luke never pays me back. He’s a Jedi. Do you got Jedis? Don’t worry about it.

BEATRIX

A Jed… huh?

KRALL

Anyway, you’re looking for something? Can you perhaps find it in my store?

BEATRIX

Um. Well, you are right—um, Craig, was it?

KRAAL

Kraal.

BEATRIX

Kraal! Oh, I’m so sorry. Kraal. I’m Beatrix. Nice. Nice to meet you.

KRAAL

A pleasure.

BEATRIX

Oh, wow. Well! What a gentleman. Yeah, well, you are right. You’re quite observant. I am looking for something but I’m not sure it’s something you can help me find.

KRAAL

Ahh. Is it a plot device? Is it perhaps a circuit board to a robot that does not remember the memories it needs to remember for your story?

BEATRIX

Well—

KRAAL

Or water?

BEATRIX

Again, very, very insightful. It is indeed… water.

KRAAL

All right. I got a drinking fountain right here.

BEATRIX

What are the other things you were…? Those are big concepts, ha ha.

KRAAL

Join me at the bubbler.

BEATRIX

The bubbler?

KRAAL

See, you press the button here and the water comes out.

BEATRIX

Oh!

KRAAL

Fantastic.

BEATRIX

It’s just so fast. This isn’t from a river anything, or from a dirty old pipe in the base.

(catches herself)

I mean, no! Base? What? I’m… I’m alone!

KRAAL

Pardon?

BEATRIX

Alone! No base here, with other people that you could—

KRAAL

Well the water is free. For the first time, ha ha. The second time I prefer you pay, you don’t need to, but it does cost a lot for maintenance, to have a drinking fountain in the middle of the wasteland.

But anyway, you continue having your beverage and I’ll be over by the counter if you need anything.

BEATRIX

Are you okay?

KRAAL

No.

BARTHOLOMEW

(into a communicator)

Beatrix! Beatrix, this is Bartholomew. Code Cerulean! That idiot Robert gave up the game. You don’t have 17 days anymore. That guy doesn’t know what’s up! I mean, honestly, he’s he’s always lumbering around here as if he’s going to help and he just put his foot in it again.

ROBERT

Bartholomew… here. Why don’t you hold Beatrix’s communicator.

(shouts)

Okay, Captain, are you coming? We’re ready to move out.

CAPTAIN

Yeah, yeah, just one second, making snacks for the road. I don’t want to get hungry.

ROBERT

Oh, wow. You made snacks?

CAPTAIN

Yeah, special Captain’s trail mix. My son used to love it. Here, everyone gets a bag!

AL

There’s even a bag for me even though I have no hands!

CAPTAIN

Oh, it’s the thought that counts, Al! Alright, so as the first mission as Captain I want it to be as efficient as possible. We go in, we get Beatrix, we get out.

ROBERT

Right! Got it! Get in… this was really good trail mix.

CAPTAIN

Okay. It’s meant for the trip. Not right now, Robert.

ROBERT

Right. Sorry, I’ll—

CAPTAIN

I’m gonna get hungry and then we have to share and it’s not gonna be fun for anybody.

ROBERT

Right. Captain, one question.

CAPTAIN

Yep.

ROBERT

Where is Beatrix?

CAPTAIN

Um.

I assume that perhaps Bagel With Cream Cheese knew where she was?

ROBERT

Oh, that’s, that’s great. Yeah. So… Bartholomew, take us to Beatrix so we can go in, grab her and get out!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m… I’m not going to make a habit out of answering to Bagel With Cream Cheese.

ROBERT

Oh, that sounds really good, actually.

CAPTAIN

Mmm. Herb and garlic.

ROBERT

Maybe—do we have time just for a quick snack?

BEATRIX

Well, you sure have a lot of oddments around here.

KRAAL

Yeah. You see, in every story that involves a space age, you need someplace where there’s just a lot of things, where you can always find the thing that you need. This is the secondary location before you go to your third location. You know?

BEATRIX

Um… you’re saying a lot of words and I’m hearing them, but I’m not really understanding a whole ton of what you’re saying.

KRAAL

Well, that’s how sentences work.

BEATRIX

Oh, yeah. Like verbs, adjectives, nouns.

KRAAL

Don’t worry about it. If you’re really concerned, how about you just tell me what it is you’re looking for? Maybe I got it in my stores of wires and bops.

BEATRIX

Well, I mean, since you’ve been so kind…

KRAAL

Thank you.

BEATRIX

(sighs)

I guess I’m looking for answers, you know? I’m, I’m trying to find out how we got here, how we woke up, how we… ended up in this base, who was in charge, who started this whole process? I mean, who was the one that brought Ship back down from the sky when she’s been orbiting and orbiting and who is she that came out of Ship? Because that’s not Captain and that’s not Ship? That’s not who I was thinking it was, and every time I look at her I get this sinking feeling in my stomach because I don’t think that she is who she says she is and when I went up to try and get to the apex which is where I’m headed now I was able to see that there is—

LUKE

Hi Kraal. Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt.

KRAAL

Sorry. I’m getting an info dump, getting an information dump right here. It’s just a lot of exposition.

LUKE

Yeah, I know. S orry. I’ll wait. I’ve just—I’m looking for a plot device with a sister that’s not a sister, you know?

KRAAL

How about you go into—

LUKE

And a father that’s not a father at the same time?

KRAAL

Yeah, go past the circuit boards…

LUKE

Yeah.

KRAAL

Take a left pass the speed racers.

LUKE

Kay.

KRAAL

And then how about you—there’s the quote-unquote “ancient secret stairway” that you have to walk down that only the chosen one can, you know all that, right?

LUKE

Okay, I’m good for it this time. I promise. Thanks Kraal! Thank you!

KRAAL

I fucking hate Luke.

BEATRIX

He does seem like a delinquent. Uh…

KRAAL

So. You were expositioning?

BEATRIX

Well, I guess you’re right. You’re right. Sometimes I do this thing where Bartholomew calls it my monologuing. He said it’s cute, but sometimes I think he’s lying.

But you know what? That’s really selfish of me. How about you? I mean, you have this beautiful store with all of these things that you can offer people—I mean an ancient staircase, let’s be real! But what do you need?

What are you looking for?

KRAAL

I…

(slowly breaks down)

No one’s ever asked old Kraal what he needed before!

BEATRIX

Oh. Oh no…

KRAAL

I’m just here to find the thing for the people who need it so they can move along to their own hero’s journey and I never had the call to the Goddess myself.

(sniffles)

BEATRIX

Oh my.

KRAAL

Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh no!

BEATRIX

What have I done, I’ve opened—

KRAAL

Oh my God! My life is a lie and trash!

BEATRIX

No!

KRAAL

I’m the trash! I’m the garbage! I’m the space garbage!

BEATRIX

No! Oh gosh, no, You’re not trash. Oh, you’re—oh no…

AL

(over a communicator)

Okay, so we’ve had… we’ve had a dozen bagels and the cup of coffee.

CAPTAIN

Mmm mmm mm!

ROBERT

Putting the chocolate into the coffee, Captain, was brilliant. Nothing short of brilliant leadership.

CAPTAIN

Thank you. Thank you, Robert. I thought so too.

AL

I think it’s time.—should we—Beatrix, are we gonna find her? Or just—

ROBERT

Oh yeah.

CAPTAIN

Beatrix. Right. I mean, I could really go for, like a nap to have a big food baby but… Beatrix should be first on our list.

ROBERT

But there’s just the small problem that there is a big wide world out here and she’s been gone somewhere between 12 and 15 days, we’re not quite sure… and she could be anywhere.

BARTHOLOMEW

Look at them up there… plotting to foil Beatrix’s plans as they hand out pastry.

(sighs)

You know what I need? I just—I really need to be able to warn Beatrix, you know? Before they get there. I just I need some sort of ex machina that would allow me to do that. I…

BARTHOLOMEW

Is that a store?

CAPTAIN

Is that a store?

ROBERT

What? Oh, here, I’ll hold your bagel. Here. Go.

CAPTAIN

I swear, I have been in this part of the woods so many times—I have never seen a store.

ROBERT

Why is Bartholomew running towards it?

CAPTAIN

Backbrace, come back here! What are you doing?

KRAAL

See, then my mom, she wanted me to go into economics, and I really liked economics but I was just being petulant. So I decided that I wanted to go into library sciences. And that’s how I started collecting things.

KRAAL

Oh, I’m sorry…

(tries and fails to collect himself)

Hello, welcome to Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries. We hope that you find what your heart is looking for…

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, uh…

BEATRIX

Bartholomew! What are you doing here? How did you—

(they embrace)

What’s going on?

BARTHOLOMEW

I…

(looks around)

Wow, Kraal, you’re good.

Beatrix! This is exactly what I needed. Code Cerulean! Yeah. Code Cerulean.

BEATRIX

Oh!

BEATRIX

Kraal! Kraal.

Okay, listen, you’ve got to stop crying, you’ve gotta stop crying, okay? I need to function for me for a second. I have seconds.

KRAAL

(shaky)

Wha?

BEATRIX

You got this. You… You are so talented and you are so destined to do what—you help people. You make a real difference. And any time that someone comes into your store you give them what they need to survive this world. You’re a good person Kraal, you are the best.

(she shakes him)

And right now I need you to focus, because I need a place to hide.

KRAAL

(still in tears)

Oh, would you like to hide in my giant pile of copper wire?

BEATRIX

I mean—

KRAAL

It’s two stories high.

BEATRIX

Is that somewhere that I can’t be found? Like, where should I go?

KRAAL

Like I tell every customer, you just wander and then you find the thing that calls out to your heart song.

BEATRIX

Kraal, you are going to figure this out. You are a gem of a thing. And I think that you’re—you’re phenomenal, and you’ve got this! If you want to pursue library sciences, you do that! You find a way to do it because you’re awesome. And Bartholomew, thank you for warning me. I’m gonna go, okay? Just throw them off my trail. I need more time. Okay.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no, of course.

KRAAL

(pulling himself together)

Alright, alright.

CAPTAIN

It’s so quaint in here. Oh, how cute!

KRAAL

Welcome, everyone! This is Kraal’s Space Junk and Sundries. If you have anything that you might need, you will find it at our store or your money back guaranteed!

AL

(over the communicator)

Hmm!

CAPTAIN

That’s a fun jingle.

AL

Well, we’re here on a mission, a very focused mission. The only thing we need is to find our friend Beatrix, who’s missing.

ROBERT

Hey, look at this. What’s this do?

ROBERT

Whoa!

CAPTAIN

Robert, put that down!

ROBERT

Whoa! Whoa! Sorry! Didn’t mean to—augh!

CAPTAIN

Robert!

KRAAL

Oh, I’m sorry. That is just our un-trademarked laser sword. Don’t worry about it. Put it back where it came from.

ROBERT

Yeah, I’ll just set that back down.

CAPTAIN

We’re not here to play, Robert. We’re here on a mission.

ROBERT

Sorry, Captain.

CAPTAIN

This is a picture of her. Have you seen her?

KRAAL

I cannot tell a lie.

So I’m gonna walk away.

CAPTAIN

Oh. He’s really walking away. Oh.

KRAAL

I’m over at the other end of the store now.

ROBERT

That’s pretty definitive.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah.

CAPTAIN

That’s quite a big pile of copper wire you have there. Do you really require all that?

KRAAL

Sometimes it just shows up.

CAPTAIN

It shows up?

KRAAL

It just shows up, because as I said before, sometimes there are these places that just have a strange amount of what appears to be just trash, but people have it and people sell it! But it seems more just a convenient set design choice. If everything seems a little bit off, or just a little bit too interesting or too spacey, that’s why, and that’s how it gets here.

CAPTAIN

Okay, I buy all of that.

ROBERT

Captain, he says that anything we want, anything we desire—he has here! So… are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CAPTAIN

Oh… my…

ROBERT

Chocolate bagels.

CAPTAIN

Please direct us to the chocolate bagels!

KRAAL

(mumbles)

You have to follow your heart song and take the windy path past the ancient staircase, mumble, fine, whatever.

ROBERT

Yeah, okay, the ancient staircase…

CAPTAIN

By the way, don’t think Beatrix is here. Let’s just get our chocolate bagels and bounce.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought I’d have to do some work to get them off the scent.

BEATRIX

Left here… oh there’s that staircase.

ANCIENT STAIRCASE (LIZ)

(ancient, creaky voice)

Welcome! I am the ancient staircase! Would you like to walk down my fine steps?

BEATRIX

Oh! Oh my! Oh goodness. Yes, please. I am in haste, fair staircase—

ANCIENT STAIRCASE

Okay! I’m turning into a slide then! Whee!

BEATRIX

AaaaaaaAAAAaaaa—oooo!

Oh, this is actually a very enjoyable experience. Ooof!

ANCIENT STAIRCASE

Thank you for riding the ancient staircase, goodbye!

BEATRIX

Uh, goodbye, thank you…!

BEATRIX

Wait a second… this is metal. Wait…

BEATRIX

(whispers)

Ship!

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Liz Anderson.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

SEAN HOWARD

Everyone, let’s give a round of applause to Liz Anderson!

SEAN

Liz, I can’t tell you what a joy it has been to have you on the show.

LIZ ANDERSON

Thank you!

SEAN

What was the name of the shop again?

LIZ

Uh, Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries.

SEAN

(laughing)

It was awesome. For those people who don’t know, I first came across Liz Anderson because of your podcast Paired, which is so amazing. Do you want to just tell everyone about, what is Paired, first of all? Because I want to push—I want everyone to listen to Paired.

LIZ

Yeah! Paired is an audio fiction podcast, sort of like mini-fiction, like 10-minute episodes of the story of an AI device like a Siri, Alexa type device, and stories told about the people that that AI is helping, and every week is different person.

SEAN

And “helping” needs to go into air quotes sometimes.

(laughs)

LIZ

Oh, yes. She’s helping. And it’s basically like the advancement of this—kind of this idea of what if Alexa weren’t evil, which it is.

LIZ

This kind of speculative, hopeful fiction that does not exist. Yeah! And so we’re in the middle of our third season right now.

SEAN

It is brilliant. It is a great show. We love the show. We’ll put a link in the show notes. And Liz, tell everyone, where can they find and follow you.

LIZ

Yes, you can find me on Twitter at lizanderson underscore, underscore underscore, because it’s very common name, but also on Paired. I’m also on a RPG podcast called Campaign that if you—

SEAN

What?!

LIZ

Yes, we play the Genesis system, which does not exist anymore.

(laughs)

And yeah, if you want to support me, you can also buy Jackbox Games. please buy Jackbox Games.

KRISTI

(gasps)

I have them all.

SEAN

Yay!

LIZ

When Sean told us that you were a writer for Jackbox Games, I pooped my pants. It’s the one time I get to do it a year. I did it.

SEAN

Well, Liz, we want to thank you. This has been such a joy. We’re gonna put links to all that in the show notes and on our website. Check out Paired—you will not regret it. It’s amazing.

LIZ

Thank you so much.