The Captain leads the crew on an expedition to find Beatrix – who has just stumbled on a mysterious building in the wilderness.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Liz Anderson, creator of the podcast Paired!
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: Language! Jump scares!
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
OFFICE
The sound of Bartholomew and the Captain filling out endless forms.
The door slides open as Robert enters.
ROBERT
Oh—I’m sorry, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
The Captain and I are kind of in the middle of something. We talked about this.
ROBERT
Oh, sorry, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Oh, hi, Robert. No, please, please take your time.
ROBERT
Oh! Okay. I was just a little… worried, Bartholomew, about something that we’ve forgotten about. That isn’t here in the base anymore. That maybe we should talk about…
BARTHOLOMEW
Robert, you’re enunciating and hesitating in a way that that suggests you you clearly aren’t telling the truth. Now—
ROBERT
Is that a stack of seven binders?
CAPTAIN
It really is, Robert, it really is seven binders full.
BARTHOLOMEW
And we’re—
ROBERT
Are all of those the Captain’s personnel file?
CAPTAIN
Apparently you need to know all that about me. Isn’t that right, Baking Soda?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes. And we are on a strict 17-day schedule for completion.
CAPTAIN
Uh-huh. Yeah. So strict, so strict. Scheduled bathroom times, eating times. Very strict, strict, strict schedule we are on here.
ROBERT
I’ve noticed, because I haven’t been able to talk to Bartholomew—
CAPTAIN
(snaps her fingers)
Bartholomew! Right, shit.
ROBERT
…about the thing that’s not in the base that we may have forgotten about, that’s been gone too long now.
BARTHOLOMEW
Too long now? No, it’s only been—
ROBERT
And I know you still have five more wonderful days with the Captain… But I think maybe we should do something about the thing.
Al, are you listening?
Beep.
AL
Yeah, I’ve been spying on you!
CAPTAIN
That’s my Al!
AL
(giggles)
ROBERT
Al… Beatrix is not on a one-day trip.
AL
Well, she has been gone for 12 days.
CAPTAIN
Wait, Beatrix hasn’t come back from her hike?
ROBERT
No.
BARTHOLOMEW
(furtive)
Robert!
ROBERT
Well, I think this is becoming a bit of a situation we have to deal with.
CAPTAIN
Is she missing?
ROBERT
Yes.
CAPTAIN
I think this requires the Captain. This requires that this be put on hold.
BARTHOLOMEW
What? No—
CAPTAIN
That the five days be exonerated, burned from the schedule, some would say, and that we attend to this situation immediately.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m—I’m sure—
ROBERT
Yes.
BARTHOLOMEW
(growls)
CAPTAIN
Great! Everybody. Let’s save Beatrix.
She marches out.
HILLSIDE
Insects sing in the distance as Beatrix trudges up the slope.
BEATRIX
(to herself)
Okay, so, need a higher altitude. All right, man. My calves never looked this good. All right. I wonder how everyone’s doing.
She checks her canteen.
BEATRIX
Getting a bit low on water. Might be good to try and find a stream or something. But I know I just have one more day till I reach the precipice.
Wait… What’s that?
(squints and reads something in the distance)
“Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries.” That looks like—is that a store?!
KRAAL
(right beside her)
Yes, it is a store.
Beatrix screams and whirls around.
BEATRIX
Aack! Jeez! Oh god!
KRAAL
(New York accent)
Welcome to my store. Fantastic! First customer in over 100 years. That’s a lie. It’s been 30 days. C’mon in!
BEATRIX
Oh, you’re—oh, you’re pushing. All right, well, okay!
KRAAL
Come on. Come on.
A bell on the door jingles as they enter the store. Tinny music plays over the speakers.
KRAAL
Hi, my name is Kraal. This is my space sundries and junk store. If ever there’s anything you need—perhaps wires or copper plates, or perhaps a MacGuffin that will lead you to the next part of your adventure—you will find it in my store.
BEATRIX
Oh!
Luke, a customer, passes them on the way out the front door.
LUKE (SEAN)
I’m just, can you just put it on my tab? I’ll catch you next month.
KRAAL
Luke, I swear to God, I need those credits yesterday.
LUKE
I’m good. I’m good for ’em. I promise. I promise!
He leaves.
KRAAL
It’s okay. Luke never pays me back. He’s a Jedi. Do you got Jedis? Don’t worry about it.
BEATRIX
A Jed… huh?
KRALL
Anyway, you’re looking for something? Can you perhaps find it in my store?
BEATRIX
Um. Well, you are right—um, Craig, was it?
KRAAL
Kraal.
BEATRIX
Kraal! Oh, I’m so sorry. Kraal. I’m Beatrix. Nice. Nice to meet you.
KRAAL
A pleasure.
He bows.
BEATRIX
Oh, wow. Well! What a gentleman. Yeah, well, you are right. You’re quite observant. I am looking for something but I’m not sure it’s something you can help me find.
KRAAL
Ahh. Is it a plot device? Is it perhaps a circuit board to a robot that does not remember the memories it needs to remember for your story?
BEATRIX
Well—
KRAAL
Or water?
BEATRIX
Again, very, very insightful. It is indeed… water.
KRAAL
All right. I got a drinking fountain right here.
He shuffles off down one aisle. Beatrix follows.
BEATRIX
What are the other things you were…? Those are big concepts, ha ha.
KRAAL
Join me at the bubbler.
BEATRIX
The bubbler?
KRAAL
See, you press the button here and the water comes out.
A clunk and a hiss of water.
BEATRIX
Oh!
KRAAL
Fantastic.
BEATRIX
It’s just so fast. This isn’t from a river anything, or from a dirty old pipe in the base.
(catches herself)
I mean, no! Base? What? I’m… I’m alone!
KRAAL
Pardon?
BEATRIX
Alone! No base here, with other people that you could—
KRAAL
Well the water is free. For the first time, ha ha. The second time I prefer you pay, you don’t need to, but it does cost a lot for maintenance, to have a drinking fountain in the middle of the wasteland.
But anyway, you continue having your beverage and I’ll be over by the counter if you need anything.
His voice breaks a little as he shuffles off to the front of the store again.
BEATRIX
Are you okay?
KRAAL
No.
OUTSIDE THE BASE
BARTHOLOMEW
(into a communicator)
Beatrix! Beatrix, this is Bartholomew. Code Cerulean! That idiot Robert gave up the game. You don’t have 17 days anymore. That guy doesn’t know what’s up! I mean, honestly, he’s he’s always lumbering around here as if he’s going to help and he just put his foot in it again.
Robert is standing right beside Bartholomew.
ROBERT
Bartholomew… here. Why don’t you hold Beatrix’s communicator.
(shouts)
Okay, Captain, are you coming? We’re ready to move out.
Captain emerges from the base. The big door rolls shut behind her.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, yeah, just one second, making snacks for the road. I don’t want to get hungry.
ROBERT
Oh, wow. You made snacks?
CAPTAIN
Yeah, special Captain’s trail mix. My son used to love it. Here, everyone gets a bag!
She hands out bags.
AL
There’s even a bag for me even though I have no hands!
CAPTAIN
Oh, it’s the thought that counts, Al! Alright, so as the first mission as Captain I want it to be as efficient as possible. We go in, we get Beatrix, we get out.
ROBERT
Right! Got it! Get in… this was really good trail mix.
CAPTAIN
Okay. It’s meant for the trip. Not right now, Robert.
ROBERT
Right. Sorry, I’ll—
CAPTAIN
I’m gonna get hungry and then we have to share and it’s not gonna be fun for anybody.
ROBERT
Right. Captain, one question.
CAPTAIN
Yep.
ROBERT
Where is Beatrix?
CAPTAIN
Um.
I assume that perhaps Bagel With Cream Cheese knew where she was?
ROBERT
Oh, that’s, that’s great. Yeah. So… Bartholomew, take us to Beatrix so we can go in, grab her and get out!
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m… I’m not going to make a habit out of answering to Bagel With Cream Cheese.
ROBERT
Oh, that sounds really good, actually.
CAPTAIN
Mmm. Herb and garlic.
ROBERT
Maybe—do we have time just for a quick snack?
KRAAL’S
BEATRIX
Well, you sure have a lot of oddments around here.
KRAAL
Yeah. You see, in every story that involves a space age, you need someplace where there’s just a lot of things, where you can always find the thing that you need. This is the secondary location before you go to your third location. You know?
BEATRIX
Um… you’re saying a lot of words and I’m hearing them, but I’m not really understanding a whole ton of what you’re saying.
KRAAL
Well, that’s how sentences work.
BEATRIX
Oh, yeah. Like verbs, adjectives, nouns.
KRAAL
Don’t worry about it. If you’re really concerned, how about you just tell me what it is you’re looking for? Maybe I got it in my stores of wires and bops.
BEATRIX
Well, I mean, since you’ve been so kind…
KRAAL
Thank you.
Beatrix starts pacing.
BEATRIX
(sighs)
I guess I’m looking for answers, you know? I’m, I’m trying to find out how we got here, how we woke up, how we… ended up in this base, who was in charge, who started this whole process? I mean, who was the one that brought Ship back down from the sky when she’s been orbiting and orbiting and who is she that came out of Ship? Because that’s not Captain and that’s not Ship? That’s not who I was thinking it was, and every time I look at her I get this sinking feeling in my stomach because I don’t think that she is who she says she is and when I went up to try and get to the apex which is where I’m headed now I was able to see that there is—
The door opens again.
LUKE
Hi Kraal. Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt.
KRAAL
Sorry. I’m getting an info dump, getting an information dump right here. It’s just a lot of exposition.
LUKE
Yeah, I know. S orry. I’ll wait. I’ve just—I’m looking for a plot device with a sister that’s not a sister, you know?
KRAAL
How about you go into—
LUKE
And a father that’s not a father at the same time?
KRAAL
Yeah, go past the circuit boards…
LUKE
Yeah.
KRAAL
Take a left pass the speed racers.
LUKE
Kay.
KRAAL
And then how about you—there’s the quote-unquote “ancient secret stairway” that you have to walk down that only the chosen one can, you know all that, right?
LUKE
Okay, I’m good for it this time. I promise. Thanks Kraal! Thank you!
He hurries off.
KRAAL
I fucking hate Luke.
BEATRIX
He does seem like a delinquent. Uh…
KRAAL
So. You were expositioning?
BEATRIX
Well, I guess you’re right. You’re right. Sometimes I do this thing where Bartholomew calls it my monologuing. He said it’s cute, but sometimes I think he’s lying.
But you know what? That’s really selfish of me. How about you? I mean, you have this beautiful store with all of these things that you can offer people—I mean an ancient staircase, let’s be real! But what do you need?
What are you looking for?
KRAAL
I…
(slowly breaks down)
No one’s ever asked old Kraal what he needed before!
BEATRIX
Oh. Oh no…
KRAAL
I’m just here to find the thing for the people who need it so they can move along to their own hero’s journey and I never had the call to the Goddess myself.
(sniffles)
BEATRIX
Oh my.
KRAAL
Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh no!
BEATRIX
What have I done, I’ve opened—
KRAAL
Oh my God! My life is a lie and trash!
BEATRIX
No!
KRAAL
I’m the trash! I’m the garbage! I’m the space garbage!
BEATRIX
No! Oh gosh, no, You’re not trash. Oh, you’re—oh no…
Kraal is sobbing.
HILLSIDE
Birds and insects sing in the background. The Captain and Robert trudge through the grass.
AL
(over a communicator)
Okay, so we’ve had… we’ve had a dozen bagels and the cup of coffee.
CAPTAIN
Mmm mmm mm!
ROBERT
Putting the chocolate into the coffee, Captain, was brilliant. Nothing short of brilliant leadership.
CAPTAIN
Thank you. Thank you, Robert. I thought so too.
AL
I think it’s time.—should we—Beatrix, are we gonna find her? Or just—
ROBERT
Oh yeah.
CAPTAIN
Beatrix. Right. I mean, I could really go for, like a nap to have a big food baby but… Beatrix should be first on our list.
ROBERT
But there’s just the small problem that there is a big wide world out here and she’s been gone somewhere between 12 and 15 days, we’re not quite sure… and she could be anywhere.
A few paces behind, Bartholomew mutters to himself.
BARTHOLOMEW
Look at them up there… plotting to foil Beatrix’s plans as they hand out pastry.
(sighs)
You know what I need? I just—I really need to be able to warn Beatrix, you know? Before they get there. I just I need some sort of ex machina that would allow me to do that. I…
He stops in his tracks.
BARTHOLOMEW
Is that a store?
CAPTAIN
Is that a store?
ROBERT
What? Oh, here, I’ll hold your bagel. Here. Go.
CAPTAIN
I swear, I have been in this part of the woods so many times—I have never seen a store.
ROBERT
Why is Bartholomew running towards it?
CAPTAIN
Backbrace, come back here! What are you doing?
KRAAL’S
Kraal is still crying.
KRAAL
See, then my mom, she wanted me to go into economics, and I really liked economics but I was just being petulant. So I decided that I wanted to go into library sciences. And that’s how I started collecting things.
The front door opens.
KRAAL
Oh, I’m sorry…
(tries and fails to collect himself)
Hello, welcome to Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries. We hope that you find what your heart is looking for…
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, uh…
BEATRIX
Bartholomew! What are you doing here? How did you—
(they embrace)
What’s going on?
BARTHOLOMEW
I…
(looks around)
Wow, Kraal, you’re good.
Beatrix! This is exactly what I needed. Code Cerulean! Yeah. Code Cerulean.
BEATRIX
Oh!
Beatrix rushes back to Kraal.
BEATRIX
Kraal! Kraal.
Okay, listen, you’ve got to stop crying, you’ve gotta stop crying, okay? I need to function for me for a second. I have seconds.
KRAAL
(shaky)
Wha?
BEATRIX
You got this. You… You are so talented and you are so destined to do what—you help people. You make a real difference. And any time that someone comes into your store you give them what they need to survive this world. You’re a good person Kraal, you are the best.
(she shakes him)
And right now I need you to focus, because I need a place to hide.
KRAAL
(still in tears)
Oh, would you like to hide in my giant pile of copper wire?
BEATRIX
I mean—
KRAAL
It’s two stories high.
BEATRIX
Is that somewhere that I can’t be found? Like, where should I go?
KRAAL
Like I tell every customer, you just wander and then you find the thing that calls out to your heart song.
Beatrix takes him by the shoulders.
BEATRIX
Kraal, you are going to figure this out. You are a gem of a thing. And I think that you’re—you’re phenomenal, and you’ve got this! If you want to pursue library sciences, you do that! You find a way to do it because you’re awesome. And Bartholomew, thank you for warning me. I’m gonna go, okay? Just throw them off my trail. I need more time. Okay.
She gives him a quick hug.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, no, of course.
Beatrix runs off just as the front door opens yet again.
KRAAL
(pulling himself together)
Alright, alright.
CAPTAIN
It’s so quaint in here. Oh, how cute!
KRAAL
Welcome, everyone! This is Kraal’s Space Junk and Sundries. If you have anything that you might need, you will find it at our store or your money back guaranteed!
AL
(over the communicator)
Hmm!
CAPTAIN
That’s a fun jingle.
AL
Well, we’re here on a mission, a very focused mission. The only thing we need is to find our friend Beatrix, who’s missing.
ROBERT
Hey, look at this. What’s this do?
A suspiciously familiar-sounding discharge of energy as he switches on a laser sword.
ROBERT
Whoa!
CAPTAIN
Robert, put that down!
It hums as he waves it around, stumbling into the merchandise and accidentally slicing things in two.
ROBERT
Whoa! Whoa! Sorry! Didn’t mean to—augh!
CAPTAIN
Robert!
Robert finally manages to switch the blade off. Something clatters to the floor.
KRAAL
Oh, I’m sorry. That is just our un-trademarked laser sword. Don’t worry about it. Put it back where it came from.
ROBERT
Yeah, I’ll just set that back down.
CAPTAIN
We’re not here to play, Robert. We’re here on a mission.
ROBERT
Sorry, Captain.
The Captain pulls out a piece of paper.
CAPTAIN
This is a picture of her. Have you seen her?
KRAAL
I cannot tell a lie.
So I’m gonna walk away.
CAPTAIN
Oh. He’s really walking away. Oh.
KRAAL
I’m over at the other end of the store now.
ROBERT
That’s pretty definitive.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah.
CAPTAIN
That’s quite a big pile of copper wire you have there. Do you really require all that?
KRAAL
Sometimes it just shows up.
CAPTAIN
It shows up?
KRAAL
It just shows up, because as I said before, sometimes there are these places that just have a strange amount of what appears to be just trash, but people have it and people sell it! But it seems more just a convenient set design choice. If everything seems a little bit off, or just a little bit too interesting or too spacey, that’s why, and that’s how it gets here.
CAPTAIN
Okay, I buy all of that.
ROBERT
Captain, he says that anything we want, anything we desire—he has here! So… are you thinking what I’m thinking?
CAPTAIN
Oh… my…
ROBERT
Chocolate bagels.
CAPTAIN
Please direct us to the chocolate bagels!
KRAAL
(mumbles)
You have to follow your heart song and take the windy path past the ancient staircase, mumble, fine, whatever.
ROBERT
Yeah, okay, the ancient staircase…
CAPTAIN
By the way, don’t think Beatrix is here. Let’s just get our chocolate bagels and bounce.
They walk off down toward the back.
BARTHOLOMEW
I thought I’d have to do some work to get them off the scent.
ANCIENT STAIRCASE
Beatrix tiptoes through the back of the store.
BEATRIX
Left here… oh there’s that staircase.
ANCIENT STAIRCASE (LIZ)
(ancient, creaky voice)
Welcome! I am the ancient staircase! Would you like to walk down my fine steps?
BEATRIX
Oh! Oh my! Oh goodness. Yes, please. I am in haste, fair staircase—
ANCIENT STAIRCASE
Okay! I’m turning into a slide then! Whee!
A mechanism creaks. There’s a big clunk as the treads all fold down, and Beatrix hurtles down the spiral staircase with a scream.
BEATRIX
AaaaaaaAAAAaaaa—oooo!
Oh, this is actually a very enjoyable experience. Ooof!
She reaches the last step and goes skidding across the floor.
ANCIENT STAIRCASE
Thank you for riding the ancient staircase, goodbye!
BEATRIX
Uh, goodbye, thank you…!
She picks herself up and continues along the hallway.
BEATRIX
Wait a second… this is metal. Wait…
She switches on her flashlight.
BEATRIX
(whispers)
Ship!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Liz Anderson.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
SEAN HOWARD
Everyone, let’s give a round of applause to Liz Anderson!
Applause and cheering.
SEAN
Liz, I can’t tell you what a joy it has been to have you on the show.
LIZ ANDERSON
Thank you!
SEAN
What was the name of the shop again?
LIZ
Uh, Kraal’s Space Garbage and Sundries.
SEAN
(laughing)
It was awesome. For those people who don’t know, I first came across Liz Anderson because of your podcast Paired, which is so amazing. Do you want to just tell everyone about, what is Paired, first of all? Because I want to push—I want everyone to listen to Paired.
LIZ
Yeah! Paired is an audio fiction podcast, sort of like mini-fiction, like 10-minute episodes of the story of an AI device like a Siri, Alexa type device, and stories told about the people that that AI is helping, and every week is different person.
SEAN
And “helping” needs to go into air quotes sometimes.
(laughs)
LIZ
Oh, yes. She’s helping. And it’s basically like the advancement of this—kind of this idea of what if Alexa weren’t evil, which it is.
Laughter.
LIZ
This kind of speculative, hopeful fiction that does not exist. Yeah! And so we’re in the middle of our third season right now.
SEAN
It is brilliant. It is a great show. We love the show. We’ll put a link in the show notes. And Liz, tell everyone, where can they find and follow you.
LIZ
Yes, you can find me on Twitter at lizanderson underscore, underscore underscore, because it’s very common name, but also on Paired. I’m also on a RPG podcast called Campaign that if you—
SEAN
What?!
LIZ
Yes, we play the Genesis system, which does not exist anymore.
(laughs)
And yeah, if you want to support me, you can also buy Jackbox Games. please buy Jackbox Games.
KRISTI
(gasps)
I have them all.
SEAN
Yay!
LIZ
When Sean told us that you were a writer for Jackbox Games, I pooped my pants. It’s the one time I get to do it a year. I did it.
Laughter.
SEAN
Well, Liz, we want to thank you. This has been such a joy. We’re gonna put links to all that in the show notes and on our website. Check out Paired—you will not regret it. It’s amazing.
LIZ
Thank you so much.