NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

BEATRIX

Um… Al?

AL

Oh, yeah, hey Beatrix, what’s going on?

BEATRIX

I’m just… I’m just packing my backpack to go on my hike, and I was just wondering where you kept any of the high energy rations?

AL

Oh, everything like that’s in the kitchen—Beatrice, that’s a big backpack! And a sleeping bag, and… is that two pairs of boots?

BEATRIX

Oh yeah, I just want to be ready, just to check, you know, the perimeter. I’m not going out for an adventure on my own for a few days or anything, no, no, nothing like that. Oh!

ROBERT

Sorry. Uh, excuse me, Beatrice. I got the 17 days’ worth of rations you want, and the extra apples. There you go.

BEATRIX

Oh. Thank you. It’s Beatrix…

ROBERT

Oh, right.

BEATRIX

And thank you very much. I’m just gonna put this—I can never be too prepared, ha ha.

ROBERT

You never know, right? You could go out one day and a storm could descend, and evil creatures could emerge as mist out of the ground and you could be fighting for your life and seeing everyone around you dying horribly!

BEATRIX

Uhh… yeah.

ROBERT

I’m gonna go back to the kitchen.

BEATRIX

(softly)

Okay…

AL

He’s been a bit of a buzzkill lately, huh?

BEATRIX

Yeah. Um, Al, would you mind just like keeping an eye on Robert? Just make sure he’s okay?

AL

Yeah, for like the next 30 minutes to an hour…?

BEATRIX

Yeah, but no—more like a regular sort of check-in while I’m gone. Just for a few hours…

(mumbles)

or a couple days…

AL

Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on him. I can follow him around and just check in periodically. I can also spy on him!

BEATRIX

Oh… sure. Just you know, be subtle, like a spy. Yeah.

AL

I’m going to be very subtle.

BEATRIX

Okay. Also, um, lastly, can you keep an eye on… “Captain”? I know you might not be able to see it, but I used air quotes. “Captain”.

AL

Oh, I’m learning so much from Captain so I’m just gonna be—I watch her every move, and I emulate it, in my inability to move as a body, but in my mind, I think I’m… you know, I’m just trying to carry myself with the same grace. I can’t figure it out, because you know, there was a whole…

(sighs)

I’m learning so much.

BEATRIX

Okay, just, you know… be careful, ha ha.

BARTHOLEMEW

Captain!

CAPTAIN

Yes. Hi—oh, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. I’m so good with names. Um, Buh… Buhh… Barbecue Sauce…

BARTHOLEMEW

I mean, that’s, that’s nice. That’s folksy in its way, I guess—

CAPTAIN

I’m close, aren’t I?

BARTHOLEMEW

Eh… Well, I prefer Bartholomew.

CAPTAIN

Bartholomew! Yes, of course, Bartholomew. Yes. I know about you. Yes. Hi. Lovely office you have here!

BARTHOLEMEW

Oh! Thank you. I, I—

CAPTAIN

So organized. Wow.

BARTHOLEMEW

(proud)

Oh, I did that myself. I… I don’t necessarily expect everyone to point it out when they come in, but it is nice.

So listen, to get you off on the right foot here, we all know what what the most important thing is. Um… so, I need to prepare your personnel file.

CAPTAIN

Oh! Oh, you need a file on me.

BARTHOLEMEW

Well… I don’t know that I’d say I need it so much as the very success of our operation here requires it.

CAPTAIN

I just assumed since I was Captain, I didn’t really need to report to anybody.

BARTHOLEMEW

Well, you know what? Maybe that’s a good place to start. So here’s our org chart.

CAPTAIN

Is that short for organization?

BARTHOLEMEW

Yeah, no—

CAPTAIN

I just want to make sure. Very thorough.

BARTHOLEMEW

Yeah, no, I guess. Short forms can be a danger. I should remember that in my—but anyway! I digress.

So our org chart, it’s something that I’ve been updating regularly, as crew members sort of come and go and roles change and shift and you know, we all sort of grow together. So… it began rather organized. At this point, I have a question mark next to everybody’s name, in terms of where we go relative to one another. You see, because, I mean, on the one hand, Al is the disembodied voice, he feels kind of like the head of the ship—

CAPTAIN

Isn’t Al the greatest? Ah! Love him.

BARTHOLEMEW

I mean, he has his moments. Yeah, no. He’s—

AL

Just popping in!

CAPTAIN

Al! Hey buddy!

AL

Remember, I’m here, I’m everywhere whether you like it or not, bye!

CAPTAIN

Isn’t that charming?

BARTHOLEMEW

One person’s charming is another’s invasive, but yeah!

BEATRIX

Um, I just w—

(stops short)

Oh, Captain.

CAPTAIN

Hi Beatrix!

BEATRIX

Hello.

CAPTAIN

Beautiful day outside, isn’t it?

BEATRIX

(almost to herself)

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, it’s a good day, it’s a nice day.

I just, uh, came to say goodbye to Bartholomew.

CAPTAIN

Goodbye?

BEATRIX

Who, as you know, I am seeing… as a more than friend friend. So you know, just… puttin’ that out there in the world.

CAPTAIN

(quiet gasp)

BEATRIX

Bartholomew, you know, I’m just going for a hike. So I just wanted to say bye…

BARTHOLEMEW

Yeah, goodb—goodbye, Beatrix. I’ll miss you while you’re gone. It’s… it’s nice to have the the opportunity to say goodbye, in a relationship—

CAPTAIN

Why are you guys talking like that? It sounds like we’re bugged. Why are you doing that?

BEATRIX

(guilty)

What? No, no—bug? What? Do you see a cockroach? I don’t see—

CAPTAIN

No, not that—

BEATRIX

Spiders! Are they here?!

CAPTAIN

Okay, no, I just—I didn’t mean to—anyways. I feel like this is more of a personal thing, so I’m just gonna—

Hey, Al, you around?

AL

Hey! Yep. Again, everywhere, anytime.

CAPTAIN

Ah! Love it. You want to hang out? Such a beautiful day.

AL

Oh my god. Yeah. Do you want to—I’ve started doing this thing where I’m opening the door and I’m just like, letting the breeze hang in.

CAPTAIN

Oh, I love breeze hanging. Let’s do it.

AL

Oh, you’re the best!

CAPTAIN

Enjoy your hike, Beatrix!

AL

Byeee!

BEATRIX

Thank you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

BEATRIX

(quietly)

Um, Bartholomew?

BARTHOLEMEW

(quietly)

Beatrix.

BEATRIX

Just remember what we talked about. Okay? And stay safe. Keep an eye on them.

BARTHOLEMEW

I mean, obviously, I’m going to do my best to do what you said. But… I mean, whatever you think is best.

BEATRIX

You’ve got this. Just—I got to know. Okay. I got to know what happened. So, I’ll see you in a few days.

ROBERT

Al, can you hear me on this communicator thing?

AL

Ooo, yeah! Oh, wow. Coming in hot and clear.

ROBERT

Loud and clear, you mean.

AL

No, no, I can feel the temperature of the sun as it hits the screen. It’s making me bothered. But continue!

ROBERT

Oh, I’m just, you know, following protocol and letting you know that I’m turning off my communicator, and I’m just, I’m just gonna walk around the base and back. I just need a little bit of time. So I’ll be back on line in 30 seconds. Or two minutes—

AL

Okay. Yeah, you can definitely, definitely turn off your communicator. That’s a thing that will happen. And you’ll be completely alone!

ROBERT

Awesome. Oh, Beatrice! Beatrice!

ROBERT

Beatric—I mean Beatrix!

BEATRIX

Oh! Oh, you’re talking to me! Sorry. I thought you meant someone completely different, because that’s not my name, ha ha.

ROBERT

Ha ha, sorry, I knew you as, in the before—I mean—

BEATRIX

Well, I’m in the now!

ROBERT

I just, I just wanted to catch up to you because I figured you were going off to do something.

BEATRIX

(dryly)

What gave you that impression?

ROBERT

Well… you are fully outfitted with a massive backpack and enough food to last two people eight days plus some…

BEATRIX

(splutters and hyperventilates)

Like, you don’t even—you don’t even—I’m—this is just how I—what do you, what do you want? What do you want, Robert?

ROBERT

I just wanted to give you these two pistols. Here you go.

BEATRIX

Oh…

ROBERT

Just in case something happens.

I’ve turned off my communicator. I’m gonna jog around the base so I’m back around in time when I turn it back on, so Al doesn’t know anything’s happened.

BEATRIX

Um… thank you.

ROBERT

You’re welcome. Have a good trip.

BEATRIX

Oh, wait. Um.

(lowers her voice)

I’m gonna ask—would you take my communicator?

ROBERT

Oh, yeah, of course.

BEATRIX

Just periodically, you know…

ROBERT

Go inside and ping it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay! Have a good trip. Stay safe.

BEATRIX

You too, Robert.

ROBERT

Well, I’m gonna be inside the base. But yeah, sure. Okay. Awkward byes, not my thing. Have a good one!

BEATRIX

Ha, yeah… bye.

AL

And then you pretty much just wait for the wind. Or sometimes it doesn’t come, but… Oh!

CAPTAIN

(gasps)

Oh! I think I felt something.

AL

You like gossip, right?

CAPTAIN

Oh! You know I love gossip. Do you have anything to tell me?

AL

I have a—okay. It’s so crazy because Bob was like—Robert was like, “Turn off your communicator” and so I was like, okay I’ll do that—

CAPTAIN

Whaaaaaat?!

AL

But then he had a long conversation with Beatrix while she still had her communicator on, so I listened to the whole thing.

CAPTAIN

Oooooh! Ooh, spill, spill, spill the tea. What happened? What happened?

AL

Well, I try not to do that, because everyone gets really mad and they say I invade their privacy. But he did give her two pistols.

CAPTAIN

Pistols? Why would Beatrix need pistols for a hike?

AL

I don’t know. But that’s just—I don’t know, I just thought…

(pause)

Do you like me more now that I told you that?

CAPTAIN

Oh, Al, of course I do!

AL

Wow! That’s really just helping my self esteem and my confidence. I feel just really, what’s—there’s a word I’ve been looking for but I can’t think of what it is. Oh, forget about it. You’re just the best role model I’ve ever had.

CAPTAIN

Oh, Al. Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite crewmate.

AL

(whispers)

Ah! A favorite. I’m the favorite.

Well, that won’t go to my head at all!

CAPTAIN

Oh, another breeze? I feel it. What a beautiful day.

AL

Wow!

CAPTAIN

Love it.

ROBERT

Oooof. Yeah, well.

(sighs)

So maybe I just don’t do soufflés anymore. Who needs to cook a soufflé… you can just eat it raw. It’s perfect. Here we go—

ROBERT

Oh! You scared me just standing there like a ghost, Bartholomew. Barty.

BARTHOLEMEW

Hey.

ROBERT

I mean, Bartholomew.

BARTHOLEMEW

(whispering)

Yeah, yeah, no, Bartholomew’s good. I appreciate that.

ROBERT

Would you like some decomp—uh, uncooked soufflé?

BARTHOLEMEW

I mean, “uncooked” sounds marginally better than the “decomposed” that it sounded like you were going to say, but… no, there’s something bigger afoot.

ROBERT

(straightens up quickly)

I know nothing!

BARTHOLEMEW

No, that’s actually sort of what I want you to say—but to the Captain.

Robert, you remember when we did your personnel file?

ROBERT

Oh, yes! It was a great day. I really enjoyed that. It was very thorough.

BARTHOLEMEW

I actually appreciated your appreciation of it.

ROBERT

I actually created some addendums here. Hold on. Let me get them here, here we go.

BARTHOLEMEW

I—

ROBERT

I just thought, you know, I could go into a little more detail on some of the side missions.

BARTHOLEMEW

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but the addenda don’t matter right now.

Listen, we completed your file and it took a couple of hours in the afternoon.

ROBERT

Well, I’ll just put them here in front of you just in case you change your mind.

BARTHOLEMEW

I’m going to be completing the Captain’s personnel file with her.

ROBERT

Oh, okay. Yeah. And oh, so her personnel file matters, but not my addendums. Hmph.

BARTHOLEMEW

I need it to seem normal that it’s going to be a 256-page, 17-day long affair.

ROBERT

Oh! Oh, so my addendums aren’t good enough but you’re gonna spend 17 days with the Captain going over her personnel file. Have a nice day, sir!

CAPTAIN

Oh, hi, Robert.

ROBERT

Excuse me, I’m just going to my room!

CAPTAIN

Oh. Wow.

ROBERT

Enjoy your 17 days with him!

CAPTAIN

Sevent—what is he talking about, Barbed Wire?

BARTHOLEMEW

I mean, that’s not even close. I prefer Bartholomew.

CAPTAIN

Bartholomew! I’ll get it. I’ll get it.

BARTHOLEMEW

Well, he’s talking about—you know, we were talking about it before! You left for a little bit, I’m sure that was just to build your excitement for the process. It’s your personnel file!

CAPTAIN

Oh, we’re still on this personnel file, hey?

BARTHOLEMEW

And indeed, for the next two weeks and three days exactly, we will be.

CAPTAIN

Two weeks and—see, that’s quite a long—can we like condense that maybe? Like a couple hours?

BARTHOLEMEW

You would think. But in your particular case, because you’re the Captain—a Captain, but the Captain—you wish to captain us—

CAPTAIN

I do.

BARTHOLEMEW

It’s really important that we understand you as best as we can. So 17 days is as short as I can get this process.

ROBERT

Excuse me, sorry! I’m taking my addendums that I left here by mistake—

ROBERT

Captain.

CAPTAIN

Hi, Robert.

ROBERT

(clenched teeth)

Barty.

I’ll be in my room.

CAPTAIN

What’s eating him?

BARTHOLEMEW

Oh, he… discovered his role.

BEATRIX

(whispering to herself)

Okay, Beatrix. I know it’s been a while since you’ve been alone. I know it’s been a while since you’ve had an adventure. And I know it’s been a while since you really felt the pull to figure this out. And I know it’s been a while since you’ve felt this kind of danger. But we can do this. You got this.

It’s okay. We’re just gonna find out what happened.

BEATRIX

All right, Beatrice. Tell me where to go. Help me make sense of this.

BEATRICE

(on the video recording)

We’ve started repairs, but the damage is so much worse than we thought it was. And now we have no protections. Nothing to keep us safe.

And they’re out there. And there’s so much more that we don’t know.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

BARTHOLEMEW

Alright, so page 25.

CAPTAIN

(huge sigh)

BARTHOLEMEW

Let’s see here… on a scale of 1 to 10, do you prefer staplers or Mars?

CAPTAIN

That question makes literally no sense. How am I supposed to rate a one-or-the-other answer, Bark Bark Bark? Huh? How’s that supposed to work?

BARTHOLEMEW

So… 5?

CAPTAIN

Oh my god.