While Beatrix sets out on a journey to find answers, Al and the Captain bond, and the others do their best to distract one another.
Starring: Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: Gossip.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
CORRIDOR
Beatrix is busy packing a backpack.
BEATRIX
Um… Al?
Beep.
AL
Oh, yeah, hey Beatrix, what’s going on?
BEATRIX
I’m just… I’m just packing my backpack to go on my hike, and I was just wondering where you kept any of the high energy rations?
AL
Oh, everything like that’s in the kitchen—Beatrice, that’s a big backpack! And a sleeping bag, and… is that two pairs of boots?
BEATRIX
Oh yeah, I just want to be ready, just to check, you know, the perimeter. I’m not going out for an adventure on my own for a few days or anything, no, no, nothing like that. Oh!
She’s startled by a nearby door sliding open.
ROBERT
Sorry. Uh, excuse me, Beatrice. I got the 17 days’ worth of rations you want, and the extra apples. There you go.
He hands over a bag.
BEATRIX
Oh. Thank you. It’s Beatrix…
ROBERT
Oh, right.
BEATRIX
And thank you very much. I’m just gonna put this—I can never be too prepared, ha ha.
ROBERT
You never know, right? You could go out one day and a storm could descend, and evil creatures could emerge as mist out of the ground and you could be fighting for your life and seeing everyone around you dying horribly!
BEATRIX
Uhh… yeah.
ROBERT
I’m gonna go back to the kitchen.
He heads off. The door closes behind him.
BEATRIX
(softly)
Okay…
AL
He’s been a bit of a buzzkill lately, huh?
BEATRIX
Yeah. Um, Al, would you mind just like keeping an eye on Robert? Just make sure he’s okay?
AL
Yeah, for like the next 30 minutes to an hour…?
BEATRIX
Yeah, but no—more like a regular sort of check-in while I’m gone. Just for a few hours…
(mumbles)
or a couple days…
AL
Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on him. I can follow him around and just check in periodically. I can also spy on him!
BEATRIX
Oh… sure. Just you know, be subtle, like a spy. Yeah.
AL
I’m going to be very subtle.
BEATRIX
Okay. Also, um, lastly, can you keep an eye on… “Captain”? I know you might not be able to see it, but I used air quotes. “Captain”.
AL
Oh, I’m learning so much from Captain so I’m just gonna be—I watch her every move, and I emulate it, in my inability to move as a body, but in my mind, I think I’m… you know, I’m just trying to carry myself with the same grace. I can’t figure it out, because you know, there was a whole…
(sighs)
I’m learning so much.
BEATRIX
Okay, just, you know… be careful, ha ha.
OFFICE
The door opens and Captain enters.
BARTHOLEMEW
Captain!
CAPTAIN
Yes. Hi—oh, don’t tell me, don’t tell me. I’m so good with names. Um, Buh… Buhh… Barbecue Sauce…
BARTHOLEMEW
I mean, that’s, that’s nice. That’s folksy in its way, I guess—
CAPTAIN
I’m close, aren’t I?
BARTHOLEMEW
Eh… Well, I prefer Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Bartholomew! Yes, of course, Bartholomew. Yes. I know about you. Yes. Hi. Lovely office you have here!
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh! Thank you. I, I—
CAPTAIN
So organized. Wow.
BARTHOLEMEW
(proud)
Oh, I did that myself. I… I don’t necessarily expect everyone to point it out when they come in, but it is nice.
So listen, to get you off on the right foot here, we all know what what the most important thing is. Um… so, I need to prepare your personnel file.
CAPTAIN
Oh! Oh, you need a file on me.
BARTHOLEMEW
Well… I don’t know that I’d say I need it so much as the very success of our operation here requires it.
CAPTAIN
I just assumed since I was Captain, I didn’t really need to report to anybody.
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, you know what? Maybe that’s a good place to start. So here’s our org chart.
He reaches up and pulls down a rolled-up chart.
CAPTAIN
Is that short for organization?
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeah, no—
CAPTAIN
I just want to make sure. Very thorough.
She clicks her pen.
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeah, no, I guess. Short forms can be a danger. I should remember that in my—but anyway! I digress.
So our org chart, it’s something that I’ve been updating regularly, as crew members sort of come and go and roles change and shift and you know, we all sort of grow together. So… it began rather organized. At this point, I have a question mark next to everybody’s name, in terms of where we go relative to one another. You see, because, I mean, on the one hand, Al is the disembodied voice, he feels kind of like the head of the ship—
CAPTAIN
Isn’t Al the greatest? Ah! Love him.
BARTHOLEMEW
I mean, he has his moments. Yeah, no. He’s—
Beep.
AL
Just popping in!
CAPTAIN
Al! Hey buddy!
AL
Remember, I’m here, I’m everywhere whether you like it or not, bye!
Beep.
CAPTAIN
Isn’t that charming?
BARTHOLEMEW
One person’s charming is another’s invasive, but yeah!
The door slides open and Beatrix enters.
BEATRIX
Um, I just w—
(stops short)
Oh, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Hi Beatrix!
BEATRIX
Hello.
CAPTAIN
Beautiful day outside, isn’t it?
BEATRIX
(almost to herself)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, it’s a good day, it’s a nice day.
I just, uh, came to say goodbye to Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Goodbye?
BEATRIX
Who, as you know, I am seeing… as a more than friend friend. So you know, just… puttin’ that out there in the world.
CAPTAIN
(quiet gasp)
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, you know, I’m just going for a hike. So I just wanted to say bye…
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeah, goodb—goodbye, Beatrix. I’ll miss you while you’re gone. It’s… it’s nice to have the the opportunity to say goodbye, in a relationship—
CAPTAIN
Why are you guys talking like that? It sounds like we’re bugged. Why are you doing that?
BEATRIX
(guilty)
What? No, no—bug? What? Do you see a cockroach? I don’t see—
CAPTAIN
No, not that—
BEATRIX
Spiders! Are they here?!
CAPTAIN
Okay, no, I just—I didn’t mean to—anyways. I feel like this is more of a personal thing, so I’m just gonna—
Hey, Al, you around?
Beep.
AL
Hey! Yep. Again, everywhere, anytime.
CAPTAIN
Ah! Love it. You want to hang out? Such a beautiful day.
AL
Oh my god. Yeah. Do you want to—I’ve started doing this thing where I’m opening the door and I’m just like, letting the breeze hang in.
CAPTAIN
Oh, I love breeze hanging. Let’s do it.
She heads for the door.
AL
Oh, you’re the best!
CAPTAIN
Enjoy your hike, Beatrix!
AL
Byeee!
BEATRIX
Thank you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
The door shuts behind the Captain.
BEATRIX
(quietly)
Um, Bartholomew?
BARTHOLEMEW
(quietly)
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Just remember what we talked about. Okay? And stay safe. Keep an eye on them.
BARTHOLEMEW
I mean, obviously, I’m going to do my best to do what you said. But… I mean, whatever you think is best.
BEATRIX
You’ve got this. Just—I got to know. Okay. I got to know what happened. So, I’ll see you in a few days.
She kisses him and leaves.
OUTSIDE
Cicada-like insects sing in the distance.
ROBERT
Al, can you hear me on this communicator thing?
AL
Ooo, yeah! Oh, wow. Coming in hot and clear.
ROBERT
Loud and clear, you mean.
AL
No, no, I can feel the temperature of the sun as it hits the screen. It’s making me bothered. But continue!
ROBERT
Oh, I’m just, you know, following protocol and letting you know that I’m turning off my communicator, and I’m just, I’m just gonna walk around the base and back. I just need a little bit of time. So I’ll be back on line in 30 seconds. Or two minutes—
AL
Okay. Yeah, you can definitely, definitely turn off your communicator. That’s a thing that will happen. And you’ll be completely alone!
ROBERT
Awesome. Oh, Beatrice! Beatrice!
Beatrix walks along ahead of him, humming to herself, and takes no notice.
ROBERT
Beatric—I mean Beatrix!
Beatrix turns.
BEATRIX
Oh! Oh, you’re talking to me! Sorry. I thought you meant someone completely different, because that’s not my name, ha ha.
ROBERT
Ha ha, sorry, I knew you as, in the before—I mean—
BEATRIX
Well, I’m in the now!
ROBERT
I just, I just wanted to catch up to you because I figured you were going off to do something.
BEATRIX
(dryly)
What gave you that impression?
ROBERT
Well… you are fully outfitted with a massive backpack and enough food to last two people eight days plus some…
BEATRIX
(splutters and hyperventilates)
Like, you don’t even—you don’t even—I’m—this is just how I—what do you, what do you want? What do you want, Robert?
ROBERT
I just wanted to give you these two pistols. Here you go.
He hands over the guns.
BEATRIX
Oh…
ROBERT
Just in case something happens.
I’ve turned off my communicator. I’m gonna jog around the base so I’m back around in time when I turn it back on, so Al doesn’t know anything’s happened.
BEATRIX
Um… thank you.
ROBERT
You’re welcome. Have a good trip.
BEATRIX
Oh, wait. Um.
(lowers her voice)
I’m gonna ask—would you take my communicator?
ROBERT
Oh, yeah, of course.
BEATRIX
Just periodically, you know…
ROBERT
Go inside and ping it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay! Have a good trip. Stay safe.
BEATRIX
You too, Robert.
ROBERT
Well, I’m gonna be inside the base. But yeah, sure. Okay. Awkward byes, not my thing. Have a good one!
He walks off.
BEATRIX
Ha, yeah… bye.
HATCHWAY
The motorized door rolls open. Outside, birds and insects sing.
AL
And then you pretty much just wait for the wind. Or sometimes it doesn’t come, but… Oh!
A breeze flows through the open hatch.
CAPTAIN
(gasps)
Oh! I think I felt something.
They enjoy the breeze for a moment.
AL
You like gossip, right?
CAPTAIN
Oh! You know I love gossip. Do you have anything to tell me?
AL
I have a—okay. It’s so crazy because Bob was like—Robert was like, “Turn off your communicator” and so I was like, okay I’ll do that—
CAPTAIN
Whaaaaaat?!
AL
But then he had a long conversation with Beatrix while she still had her communicator on, so I listened to the whole thing.
CAPTAIN
Oooooh! Ooh, spill, spill, spill the tea. What happened? What happened?
AL
Well, I try not to do that, because everyone gets really mad and they say I invade their privacy. But he did give her two pistols.
CAPTAIN
Pistols? Why would Beatrix need pistols for a hike?
AL
I don’t know. But that’s just—I don’t know, I just thought…
(pause)
Do you like me more now that I told you that?
CAPTAIN
Oh, Al, of course I do!
AL
Wow! That’s really just helping my self esteem and my confidence. I feel just really, what’s—there’s a word I’ve been looking for but I can’t think of what it is. Oh, forget about it. You’re just the best role model I’ve ever had.
CAPTAIN
Oh, Al. Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite crewmate.
AL
(whispers)
Ah! A favorite. I’m the favorite.
Well, that won’t go to my head at all!
CAPTAIN
Oh, another breeze? I feel it. What a beautiful day.
A bird sings.
AL
Wow!
CAPTAIN
Love it.
KITCHEN
Robert takes a dish out of the oven. Something squishes.
ROBERT
Oooof. Yeah, well.
(sighs)
So maybe I just don’t do soufflés anymore. Who needs to cook a soufflé… you can just eat it raw. It’s perfect. Here we go—
He jumps back, startled. Utensils go flying.
ROBERT
Oh! You scared me just standing there like a ghost, Bartholomew. Barty.
BARTHOLEMEW
Hey.
ROBERT
I mean, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
(whispering)
Yeah, yeah, no, Bartholomew’s good. I appreciate that.
ROBERT
Would you like some decomp—uh, uncooked soufflé?
BARTHOLEMEW
I mean, “uncooked” sounds marginally better than the “decomposed” that it sounded like you were going to say, but… no, there’s something bigger afoot.
ROBERT
(straightens up quickly)
I know nothing!
BARTHOLEMEW
No, that’s actually sort of what I want you to say—but to the Captain.
Robert, you remember when we did your personnel file?
ROBERT
Oh, yes! It was a great day. I really enjoyed that. It was very thorough.
BARTHOLEMEW
I actually appreciated your appreciation of it.
ROBERT
I actually created some addendums here. Hold on. Let me get them here, here we go.
He fishes some pages out of his pocket.
BARTHOLEMEW
I—
ROBERT
I just thought, you know, I could go into a little more detail on some of the side missions.
BARTHOLEMEW
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but the addenda don’t matter right now.
Listen, we completed your file and it took a couple of hours in the afternoon.
ROBERT
Well, I’ll just put them here in front of you just in case you change your mind.
BARTHOLEMEW
I’m going to be completing the Captain’s personnel file with her.
ROBERT
Oh, okay. Yeah. And oh, so her personnel file matters, but not my addendums. Hmph.
BARTHOLEMEW
I need it to seem normal that it’s going to be a 256-page, 17-day long affair.
ROBERT
Oh! Oh, so my addendums aren’t good enough but you’re gonna spend 17 days with the Captain going over her personnel file. Have a nice day, sir!
He storms out—and bumps into the Captain in the doorway.
CAPTAIN
Oh, hi, Robert.
ROBERT
Excuse me, I’m just going to my room!
CAPTAIN
Oh. Wow.
ROBERT
Enjoy your 17 days with him!
The door shuts behind Robert.
CAPTAIN
Sevent—what is he talking about, Barbed Wire?
BARTHOLEMEW
I mean, that’s not even close. I prefer Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Bartholomew! I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, he’s talking about—you know, we were talking about it before! You left for a little bit, I’m sure that was just to build your excitement for the process. It’s your personnel file!
CAPTAIN
Oh, we’re still on this personnel file, hey?
BARTHOLEMEW
And indeed, for the next two weeks and three days exactly, we will be.
CAPTAIN
Two weeks and—see, that’s quite a long—can we like condense that maybe? Like a couple hours?
BARTHOLEMEW
You would think. But in your particular case, because you’re the Captain—a Captain, but the Captain—you wish to captain us—
CAPTAIN
I do.
BARTHOLEMEW
It’s really important that we understand you as best as we can. So 17 days is as short as I can get this process.
The door opens again. The Captain shudders at the sound of Robert’s voice.
ROBERT
Excuse me, sorry! I’m taking my addendums that I left here by mistake—
He snatches the pages back up off the counter.
ROBERT
Captain.
CAPTAIN
Hi, Robert.
ROBERT
(clenched teeth)
Barty.
I’ll be in my room.
He leaves again.
CAPTAIN
What’s eating him?
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh, he… discovered his role.
THE WILDERNESS
Cricket-like insects in the distance.
BEATRIX
(whispering to herself)
Okay, Beatrix. I know it’s been a while since you’ve been alone. I know it’s been a while since you’ve had an adventure. And I know it’s been a while since you really felt the pull to figure this out. And I know it’s been a while since you’ve felt this kind of danger. But we can do this. You got this.
It’s okay. We’re just gonna find out what happened.
She pulls out a portable computer and presses a key.
BEATRIX
All right, Beatrice. Tell me where to go. Help me make sense of this.
Beeping. A video begins to play.
BEATRICE
(on the video recording)
We’ve started repairs, but the damage is so much worse than we thought it was. And now we have no protections. Nothing to keep us safe.
And they’re out there. And there’s so much more that we don’t know.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Tyra Banda, Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS: OFFICE
Bartholomew turns a page.
BARTHOLEMEW
Alright, so page 25.
CAPTAIN
(huge sigh)
BARTHOLEMEW
Let’s see here… on a scale of 1 to 10, do you prefer staplers or Mars?
CAPTAIN
That question makes literally no sense. How am I supposed to rate a one-or-the-other answer, Bark Bark Bark? Huh? How’s that supposed to work?
BARTHOLEMEW
So… 5?
CAPTAIN
Oh my god.