404: Captain

Beatrix encounters a mysterious figure outside the base.

Starring: Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
And introducing: Tyra Banda!
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.

Content warning: guns, explosions, grief, jump scares.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

BEATRIX’S QUARTERS

Beatrix stirs and mutters in her sleep.

BEATRIX

Mmph. Barty, don’t touch me.

A distant roaring sound, soft but growing louder, like massive engines approaching.

BEATRIX

(snores)

Cats’ paws! Cats’ paws. Burning, burning…

The roar gives way to a crash big enough to shake the whole base.

Beatrix sits bolt upright with a scream.

BARTHOLOMEW

Uh…?

BEATRIX

It’s an earthquake! An earthquake! Agh! Barty, are you okay?

BARTHOLOMEW

(sleepy)

Wha? What is it?

BEATRIX

The whole base is shaking! Are you okay, Bartholomew?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no, I’m fine! Are you sure it’s not the rumble feature on your bed?

BEATRIX

(exasperated)

I’m pretty sure it’s not the rumble feature, Bartholomew. Al, is everything okay? Are you all right?

AL

No, it’s very bad! But now you guys are up, I’m gonna put on the alarms! I didn’t want to wake you with anything too loud.

Alarms blare.

BEATRIX

What happened, where’s Bob? Robert, whatever.

On cue, the door slides open and Robert stumbles in.

ROBERT

Oh, there you two are. Oh, oh! Sorry!

(he averts his eyes)

Oh, cover up. Uh, that was not me. I had nothing to do with that. I just want to say for the record, that was—it was not me.

BEATRIX

Of course it wasn’t you creating a giant explosion, unless you were trying to make another soufflé and destroy another stove…

ROBERT

There may have been a stove disaster and it may have been right about when this happened. But, I just want to point out that it was not me!

BEATRIX

That is beside the point; there has been a cataclysmic something. Al, can you—

ROBERT

I can’t hear you. Al can you turn off the alarms, please?

AL

Now that everyone’s up, I’ll turn the alarms off!

He does so. Robert sighs with relief.

BEATRIX

Is everything all right?

AL

No. Like I was saying, I believe we’re either under attack by another planet…

ROBERT

Oh.

AL

Or this planet is about to crack in two like an egg and we will spill out onto the floor of the universe.

BEATRIX

(frazzled sound)

ROBERT

Those are two very different protocols that we have to enact, Al. Can you, like, give me a percentage of what’s more likely?

BEATRIX

Yeah, what are your readings telling you? Or are these just, like, gut feelings or are these actual readings?

AL

I’m too scared to look outside.

BEATRIX

Ugh.

ROBERT

(trying to project decisiveness)

Okay, I’m assuming it’s the first one and I’m taking over. I’m—I’m declaring martial law…

BEATRIX

Screw it! I’m going outside. Where’s that suit helmet?

She stomps outside, leaving the others still in her quarters. Robert and Bartholomew fidget awkwardly.

AL

Thanks for sticking with me, Barty. Cowards for life!

ROBERT

Um. Ahem.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, that wasn’t really my plan, Al… I just hesitated until it was chosen for me.

AL

If you’re a coward, we’re hiding in here!

BARTHOLOMEW

I… I guess this is where I belong.

Maybe I’ll turn on the rumble feature.

OUTSIDE

Nighttime insects trill. Beatrix marches through the woods, her voice slightly muffled.

BEATRIX

Alright. Got my helmet on. Suit? Tell me what I’m looking at. It’s very dark.

A voice in the distance.

WOMAN

Hello?

Suit emits a pulsing beacon sound.

SUIT

Scanning. Scanning. Scanning.

WOMAN

Hello…

Hello?

SUIT

Scanning. There appears to be a life form ahead, but I am not getting any biological readings.

WOMAN

Hello?

BEATRIX

Oh my god. Is that…? I can’t see, it’s so dark. Is that…?

WOMAN

Hello?

BEATRIX

(startled, then whispers)

Oh! Hide in the bush. Hidin’ in a bush, Beatrix…

Beatrix sneaks off the trail. Leaves rustle.

WOMAN

I can hear you in the bushes.

BEATRIX

(whispering)

Can’t hear me, can’t see me. Okay. She must be hearing other things.

WOMAN

Hello. I can see you and hear you in the bushes.

(suddenly close)

Hi, hello.

Beatrix screams and dives out of the way, startling the woman.

WOMAN

Oh! God.

BEATRIX

Are you friend or foe?! Alien or machine here to kill us? Because I’ve faced both and I will take you on!

Beatrix growls and demonstrates a fighting move or two.

WOMAN

Friend. I’m a friend. I’m a friend! I mean you no harm. I promise.

BEATRIX

Ooo, I’m not letting my guard down yet. Who are you, where’d you come from?

WOMAN

Okay. Uh, hi. Hi. Um, let me introduce myself. I’m the new Captain.

(she extends a hand, then)

I guess you’re not into handshakes. Um. Yeah, I recently was asked to be a captain aboard your ship. And… I’m just having a little trouble locating it. And you appear to be a member of the crew that I read up on. Uh… Beatrix? Yes?

Beatrix flips up the helmet’s visor.

BEATRIX

(stunned)

You’re a… you’re…

CAPTAIN

Captain! Yeah, hi.

(silence)

Still don’t like handshakes… Okay.

BEATRIX

(still stunned and mumbling incoherently)

CAPTAIN

I know it might be a jarring change and all that. But I’m really looking forward to getting to know all of you and creating a very happy, healthy work environment.

BEATRIX

But you—Cap…

But you were in… and now you’re…

CAPTAIN

I’m sorry, do you need to sneeze or something?

BEATRIX

(incoherent noises)

BEATRIX’S QUARTERS

A humming vibration. After a few seconds, it shuts down.

ROBERT

Okay, all right. One more round of the rumble bed and then we’ll all take our weapons go outside.

Bartholomew and Robert rearrange themselves on the bed.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, this time we’ll do it face down… heads at the base of the bed and then feet at the top.

ROBERT

Oh! Yes. Okay.

He switches the rumble feature on again.

ROBERT

Sorry you can’t join us on the rumble bed, Al.

AL

No, it’s all right. I can hear the vibrations as they move through the room and imagine what it would be like to be alive again.

ROBERT

It’s really good for the muscles, you know. Just loosen you up and ready for battle.

The communicator crackles.

BEATRIX

(over the radio)

Barty! Robert! You need to come outside! Come outside now! Come outside!

Robert and Bartholomew get up sheepishly.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no, we’re coming. We were just preparing to follow you anyway!

Robert switches off the bed.

ROBERT

Uh… Roger that. Initiating, uh, Aggressive Progress Alpha! Go, go, go, go, go, Barty!

They do not move.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’ll… well, I’ll walk. I’m walking outside.

The door opens and the two make their way out.

ROBERT

I’ll just kind of follow behind.

BEATRIX

(over the radio)

Just get here!

OUTSIDE

BEATRIX

(pacing and babbling)

Okay, okay. Okay, so you’re here now, you’re here now but you’re in this body and that’s weird—but you’re our Captain, right? You are Captain…

SUIT

(over Beatrix)

Beatrix. I can sense that your heart rate is spiking. You need to calm down.

BEATRIX

(nonstop)

—but if you’re a Captain… you’re not in the ship, but how did the ship get here? And how did you, how did you get in there? But like, if you’re in there, then who’s in there? But if that’s not who you are then what did you do—? How are you….?

SUIT

Would you like to hear a joke?

BEATRIX

Ooooo, oh, I gotta take off the helmet, my head’s hurting, oh god…

SUIT

Wait. I wasn’t finished my readings. Why are you putting me down?

Still hyperventilating, Beatrix sets the helmet down.

CAPTAIN

Uh, I wish I could answer your question, but I will say that yes, I am, in fact, a human—

BEATRIX

Aaagh!

CAPTAIN

And that might be a little jarring to people here. I understand that. And it’s a little jarring to me too! You know, I am aware that you are, um, clones, is it? Or… reiterations?

BEATRIX

(stammers)

Robert and Bartholomew approach. The sound of a weapon powering up.

ROBERT

(over Bartholomew’s protests)

Get down, Barty! Get down! I got a bead on her! Oh wait, that’s Beatrix.

He powers down the gun.

BEATRIX

Ooo, everybody just calm down.

ROBERT

Ooh, there’s someone else! Get down Beatrix, I got a bead on… the other one!

CAPTAIN

Woah, woah, easy, easy, easy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Stop beading people! We’re just gonna have a chat.

ROBERT

Okay.

Bartholomew walks up to Beatrix and the Captain, and Robert reluctantly follows.

BARTHOLOMEW

All right. Let’s centre ourselves a little bit.

BEATRIX

Aaaghh!

CAPTAIN

Um.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hi… Captain?

CAPTAIN

Yes! Now’s a good time as any to introduce myself—

BEATRIX

(fierce)

Wait, how did you know? How’d you know that was Captain? Oooh, I always knew you two had secrets…

BARTHOLOMEW

What? No, I was lurking behind the… “lurking” is probably a bad word.

ROBERT

You’re broadcasting on the little device thing.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s where I was getting to.

CAPTAIN

Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Captain. Miss… Captain.

ROBERT

Wait, wait, wait, wait. wait. Miss Captain… of the ship?

CAPTAIN

Yes.

ROBERT

(jubilant)

We have a ship again! Where’s the ship?

CAPTAIN

Oh yes. See, about that…

CRASH SITE

A little later, and not far off.

Flames roar, and metal groans as a big chunk of the ship collapses.

BEATRIX

(still stunned and incoherent)

But how did—and then—but the ship? How are you alive if the ship… but you’re standing?

CAPTAIN

Oh! Your old ship was a captain? Is that correct? No. Your old captain was a ship!

BARTHOLOMEW

I think you could use those ways of framing it interchangeably.

CAPTAIN

Oh, I can see how this is emotional for you all.

Another section of the ship falls.

CAPTAIN

Uh, should I step away? Or give you a moment? Or…?

ROBERT

Wait? Wait, wait. You’re… you’re the original Captain, aren’t you?

CAPTAIN

Oh, original—no, original’s quite a word to use. I don’t know if I would say original, I was a loose copy of a captain that was programmed. And I just happened to decide to choose family life over actually living on a ship for, ahem, the rest of my life. But obviously, some instances have arose that have made me the sole person to complete this mission.

But I’m not an—”original” is quite… I don’t know if I would say OG, you know?

ROBERT

Right. There was the Ship program we were working on, where we were creating a captain, unmatched. But there was some confusion around where we were starting from.

BEATRIX

(resumes babbling)

But if you were in the ship—and then the ship was up there—and now the ship is here—and…

CAPTAIN

Okay, could someone get Beatrix, like, a paper bag to breathe into?

Bartholomew gently guides Beatrix away.

BEATRIX

But if you were in the—stop walking me away, Bartholomew! I have questions!

BARTHOLOMEW

I have questions too! But we need a paper bag!

They walk off, arguing.

Another groan and crash of metal.

THE BASE

An exterior door rolls open and Robert and Bartholomew enter.

AL

So! Which one was it? Are we under attack? Or is it the egg thing?

ROBERT

Well, it’s it’s sort of neither. It’s sort of like, you know those movies, Al, where there’s like a paradox, and you can’t quite figure out how all the pieces fit together?

AL

It’s a puzzle of a movie. Okay, I’m following.

ROBERT

Yeah. This is the Captain… who appears to have ejected from the ship that crashed and almost destroyed your base.

AL

It’s the Captain…

CAPTAIN

Hello!

AL

It’s the Captain.

CAPTAIN

Pleasure to meet you…

ROBERT

Al, she doesn’t want to be called “the” Captain.

CAPTAIN

I’m just a captain. I’m just—I’m one of you guys. Pound it.

She puts out a fist.

AL

I don’t have hands. But…

CAPTAIN

I’m so, so sorry. I’m still getting used to this. Um—

AL

I’m so excited! Oh… finally! I’ve kind of been in charge around here for a while and it’s been… it’s been a lot. I have been doing a really good job. But it’s really good to have someone to take over. Because these guys, they may be my best friends, but they’re a handful.

BARTHOLOMEW

Al, I think—and I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, A Captain—but when you say you’re a captain, you just mean captain… like in a general sense, right? Like, you have captained things in the past, you don’t mean that you’re here to captain us.

CAPTAIN

Oh no, that’s correct. I am here to captain you. Yes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, so now when you say “That’s correct…” See, because—so I said, “You’re not here to captain us,” and then you say no…

Okay.

CAPTAIN

Oh. Yeah. Either way, I am now your boss.

IN THE WRECKAGE

Beatrix wrenches open a door and walks through the remains of the ship, talking to herself.

BEATRIX

(muttering angrily)

I’m gonna find out what happened, this doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense, and ooh, if I know anything, I’m Beatrix, and I can figure things out. I’m a scout, gonna to scout into this old ship here. See what happens. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. There’s something weird going on here. Okay.

CAPTAIN

What are you looking for?

BEATRIX

(screams)

CAPTAIN

(cheerfully)

You see, you scared me, now, I scared you, ha ha. We’re even!

BEATRIX

(growls)

Listen, okay, I don’t know what’s going on here and you might have charmed the other ones in the base, but I don’t—oooh, I don’t trust you yet. You don’t strike me as anyone that I’ve met before but you call yourself the Captain, you came from our ship, and this is our ship, right? This is the one that was in orbit…

(she wanders from room to room, trying to remember)

Because that’s the box room. And, and that’s where, that’s the room where I remember… I remember Moips? I remember the side, and putting up the solar panels…

CAPTAIN

It seems you have a lot of connections to the ship. And I’m sorry, I really am, that it got destroyed.

And grief… it’s a hard thing. Trust me. I know. But you’ll move on. And I’ll help you, along with everybody else on the ship. You can trust me.

BEATRIX

I…

Who are you?

The Captain shrugs.

CAPTAIN

Me? I’m just a Captain.

LATER

The Captain walks along a corridor on the base.

AL

Thank you so much for following me, Captain. I’m just going to show you to where your new room is going to be.

CAPTAIN

Oh, delightful.

AL

It’s the biggest one in the entire base.

The door opens, and the Captain enters her new quarters.

CAPTAIN

Oooh!

AL

I’m really glad that you’re here. Ever since discovering I’m 14 years old and trapped in a computer, I really think I could use a strong role model.

CAPTAIN

(brightly)

Oh, you’re 14!

AL

Yeah!

CAPTAIN

That’s lovely. My son was 14!

Silence.

AL

Let’s just leave that there!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, and introducing Tyra Banda as the Captain.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

POST-CREDITS: WELCOME TYRA

TYRA BANDA

(singing)

And the captain came back, the very next day…

Laughter.

PHIL JOHNSTON AND KRISTI BOULTON

(singing)

They thought he was a goner but…

SEAN HOWARD

Okay, everyone, let’s give a warm welcome to Tyra Banda playing the non-OG Captain!

Applause and cheering.

TYRA BANDA

Thank you, thank you.

KRISTI BOULTON

Welcome Tyra! Way to kill it!

TYRA BANDA

Oh, stop. It’s an honour to be here.

SEAN HOWARD

Yes! It’s amazing to have… a captain back.

TYRA BANDA

(laughs)

Someone’s got to lead this ship! I’m kidding.

ELI HAMADA MCILVEEN

Seriously, they do.

SEAN HOWARD

It’s sort of like emerging that something’s not right. I love it. There’s like this little tension emerging, right?

TYRA BANDA

Mm, yeah.

SEAN HOWARD

“You can trust me”—I almost hear air quotes.

TYRA BANDA

(laughs)

SEAN HOWARD

Super fun to have you here, Tyra. Why don’t you tell everyone first of all where people can follow you? You’re on our website now, so I tell everyone go check our website. We’re super excited to have Tyra cast as the new Captain.

TYRA BANDA

Yeah!

SEAN HOWARD

Where can people follow you?

TYRA BANDA

I am on Instagram and Twitter, both at tyrabanda. And I do improv shows with Improv College every other Sunday. If you hop over to the YouTube channel, you can watch those. And then I’m also always on Bad Dog Comedy TV.

SEAN HOWARD

And that’s where I think Kristi first bumped into you and met you, right?

TYRA BANDA

We did a workshop together, yeah. We did a few.

KRISTI BOULTON

We did like two, two or three.

TYRA BANDA

Yeah.

SEAN HOWARD

That’s amazing. And so you’re actually right now going, is it writing you’re going for?

TYRA BANDA

Oh, for school, yeah. I’m going to Humber College for comedy writing and performance right now. I’m in my second year.

KRISTI BOULTON

So cool.

TYRA BANDA

Woot woot!

SEAN HOWARD

Yeah. So we had a, I guess a tryout—what do you call that? Like a casting—

TYRA BANDA

An audition?

SEAN HOWARD

An audition!

TYRA BANDA

There’s the word.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

Trial by fire.

SEAN

We’re so professional here. And it was like, Tyra, you came on and we threw you under the bus; you were just having to play the Captain out of the gate, and we’re throwing all this backstory at you.

And then I think we were like, “Okay, we’ll get back to you!” And trying to come up with what you were supposed to say professionally. “Oh, yeah, we’ll get back to you right away.”” And you left the call and we’re all like, “Yeah, no, all right, there we have the new Captain.” And that’s it, we’re done. We’re moving on.

TYRA BANDA

(laughs)

Yeah, I remember after the audition, I took a shower. And then I came out and Kristi’s already like, “Check your email!” I was like, what?!

Laughter.

KRISTI BOULTON

Well, it’s funny, because like, when I saw you performing in the classes that we were in, I immediately was just like oh my god she’s so good—and then when it came time to be casting for Captain, something I really appreciate about you is that, you know, not being a sci-fi-first person you came in and just blew us out of the water. And I was like, jumping in my little booth just being like, “Can we just tell her? Can we just tell her on the air? I just want to let you know that you got it.”

TYRA BANDA

(laughs)

KRISTI BOULTON

Though we wanted to see you perform, I was just telling them the whole time, like all the folks behind the scenes, “Omigosh she’s just so good.”

SEAN HOWARD

I can’t believe you just outed her as not being a nerd, like a sci fi nerd.

KRISTI BOULTON

Well, she’s a nerd—

TYRA BANDA

I am such a nerd, guys, ha ha! No, kidding.

KRISTI BOULTON

And all of our audience just leaves.

TYRA BANDA

(laughs)

I lost your cred.

No, when I first heard about it, when Kristi first reached out and talked about it, I was like, oh, sci fi. I’ve never really heard or thought about that or been interested in that at all. Um, but then when the audition happened, it was still just really fun improv at the root of it and just saying “yes, and” and like, I’m always down for that. So it’s been really fun.

SEAN HOWARD

This will be an in joke that no one will get, unless we ever maybe release it as a bonus—I will never forget “I’m With Vacuum.”

Laughter.

TYRA BANDA

Oh, yeah, my audition. Somebody endowed me as being pregnant with a vacuum.

(laughs)

SEAN HOWARD

Oh, it was beautiful.

KRISTI BOULTON

It got weird.

SEAN HOWARD

It got weird.

TYRA BANDA

It got a little weird, not gonna lie.

SEAN HOWARD

Well, we are super happy to have you. Everyone, we’re going to put links in the show notes of this episode. Go and follow Tyra, check out the website—there’s links there too. Tyra, we’re super happy to have you on board.

TYRA BANDA

Super happy to be here. Thank you.