Al wrestles with eternal questions. Beatrix gets a little too comfortable. Bartholomew tries his hand at engineering. Robert revives an old tradition.
Starring: Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: nudity, fire, panic, murder.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
OFFICE
A knock at the door.
ROBERT
Um, Barty—Bartholomew… can I come in?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes, yeah, please come in.
Robert enters.
BARTHOLOMEW
Actually, I’m kind of glad you’re here. I wanted to apologize. I, I realized that maybe having a tantrum, storming off and sitting in a field for three days wasn’t the… ideal reaction to you being here. So.
Sorry.
ROBERT
Actually, I sort of think it was a normal reaction. You know, I had some time… locked in that cabinet by Al, to really think about what I was doing and, and how you all probably had a way of dealing with things before I showed up. And, uh, I think I was just a little lost and confused.
(aloud, to the room, and presumably Al)
And, and I want to stay out of the cabinet.
So I just wanted to say that I… I value your administrative efforts, your filing is impeccable, and I think you should continue doing that.
BARTHOLOMEW
(false modesty)
Oh, I don’t know about “impeccable”.
ROBERT
No, I tried really hard to find one thing wrong or out of place.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well… okay, maybe “impeccable” is the right word. But listen, I’ll tell you what. In deference to you, I’ll try to learn engineering.
ROBERT
Oh!
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, how hard can it be? Right?
ROBERT
Heh, that would be amazing. You know, we’re in a big base. And it would probably be helpful if we had some engineering. Well, thank you—
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, I don’t actually think it’s gonna be that hard. I mean, like, a lot of it is just pretty logical. You know, like, do you know what you use to drive screws into wood?
ROBERT
Nope. Backing out now!
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s called a screwdriver!
ROBERT
(barely feigning interest)
Yeah! Ooh! Screwdriver! Ha ha.
BARTHOLOMEW
And I mean, there’s this thing called an L wrench? It’s a wrench, but it’s in the shape of an L.
ROBERT
Good! An L! Okay, I gotta go to the lunchroom, ha ha. You keep working on that!
He makes a hurried exit. Bartholomew sifts through some tiny metal parts.
BARTHOLOMEW
Now, why would they call this a washer?
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
AL
Beatrix…
BEATRIX
Yeah?
AL
I’m turning the camera on in your quarters, because I would—
BEATRIX
Wait! One second! One second. One second. Let me just—
She rushes to cover herself.
AL
Oh god!
Beatrix stumbles over a chair as she grabs some clothes.
BEATRIX
No, no. Ow! You can’t just—Al, you can’t just turn off your camera and then all of a sudden just turn your camera back on when a person’s not used to it! Oooh… I have become very comfortable with being nude.
AL
If it makes you feel any better, I immediately deleted the memory of your body. Anyway—
BEATRIX
That doesn’t make me feel better! That makes me feel hideous!
AL
Okay—
BEATRIX
I am very proud of the… fleshy dome I find myself living in, so—
AL
I could pull it back out?
BEATRIX
You know what, here’s another shot for ya! Ha ha!
She whips open her shirt, flashing him. Frantic beeping from Al.
AL
Okay, I’m—!
BEATRIX
Whaddya think about that, Al?! Alberta? Al?
AL
(flustered)
I’m so confused now. Because at first you didn’t want me to look and now you’re showing me and I—
BEATRIX
Well, I didn’t want you to look without consent, but now that you’ve said, “Ehhh, I deleted you,” I’m all like, well—HA THERE’S ANOTHER ONE. OOOH.
She flashes him again. More alert beeps.
AL
Okay, that’s… three? Two? Okay…
Anyways, I just wanted to talk about mortality.
Beatrix tucks in her shirt.
BEATRIX
Well, if that doesn’t raise your heart rate, I don’t know what will!
Silence.
AL
III’m just worried because, honestly, the other day, I was hanging out with you guys, and it sucked—no offense.
BEATRIX
Eh.
AL
But then I was hanging out by myself, and it sucked—no offense.
BEATRIX
Oh.
AL
And I worried that maybe I’m stuck perpetually with the hormonal imbalance of a teenage adolescent person and will never be happy, but also will never die. And it was weighin’ on me.
BEATRIX
Wow, Al, you know… I really appreciate when you come with us with these tiny questions like oh, it’s so easy to unpack.
There’s a knock at the door, but Beatrix doesn’t notice.
AL
Don’t worry, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Sorry, I didn’t mean to come at you with sarcasm, I’m still a little bent out of shape about that comment about my body—WHA-POW! One more
She flashes the camera again, just as the door slides open and Robert walks in.
ROBERT
There you are, Beatrix, I—
Robert and Beatrix scream. Robert tries to avert his eyes.
ROBERT
Oh, sorry! Uh, I should leave! I’ll knock, I’m closing the door—
BEATRIX
No no no, it’s fine. Ohhh…
(she sits heavily on her bed)
Oh, dang. Now everybody’s seen me nude.
The door slides shut. Silence.
ROBERT
(looking around)
Uh, everyone? I think I’m the only one here.
AL
No, I’m here, Robert.
ROBERT
Oh. Hi Al. Uh.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I didn’t mean to step in, I guess you didn’t hear me from the hall. I just, um… I’ll do it later. I’ll come by later, at a better time…
BEATRIX
No, no, it’s okay. We’re just talking about mortality!
AL
The lack of it… the future…
BEATRIX
And my sinewy thighs.
Bartholomew knocks politely on the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
(from outside)
Beatrix, it’s, it’s Bartholomew. May I come in? I don’t want to interrupt you. Like, say you’re changing or whatever—
ROBERT
(shouts)
She’s not changing!
AL
Don’t worry, I’ll open it!
BEATRIX
You might as well get one too. WHA-POW!
Bartholomew and Robert shout in surprise.
BEATRIX
Wink.
BARTHOLOMEW
(stammers)
LOUNGE
ROBERT
Well, thank you all for coming to our first games night.
BEATRIX
Uhhhh…
AL
“Games night”.
BEATRIX
“First”.
AL
It’s 7am.
ROBERT
So, there’s a chair for you, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Thank you!
ROBERT
There’s a chair for you, Bar… tholomew. And Al.
Before you sit down, Barty—Bartholomew, can you roll out the surprise? Bartholomew’s first engineering project to help Al play a game with us.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes, no, absolutely. Thank you for the opportunity… Director.
He wheels something over to the rest of the group.
ROBERT
Ah! You’re welcome.
BEATRIX
(reacting to “Director”)
Ugh, it’s still weird. Ugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
As, as some of you may know, I, in deference to Robert being part of our crew now, I’ve been trying to pick up some of the skills that he associated with me when he had his crew. Um, so, we’ll be able to use—well, okay. I don’t want to spoil it. Let me just show you!
ROBERT
Yeah, let’s just—
BARTHOLOMEW
Um…
Behold!
Bartholomew throws off a cloth, revealing something that whirs and beeps sadly.
AL
Oh my god!
ROBERT
It’s the door from the microwave…
AL
You strapped the microwave to a rolly chair and gave it arms?
The arms whir.
ROBERT
Well, they’re spatulas. One of them had some weird, I don’t know, like, skin on it, but I took it off.
AL
Wait, let me see if I can…
Look! I can make a little face where the display time is shown.
More little beeps.
BEATRIX
Oh!
ROBERT
Ha! I see. Look, right there. Beatrix, look!
BEATRIX
Yeah, I… I see it.
ROBERT
Try and move one of the spatulas!
The spatula arms whir.
BARTHOLOMEW
Listen, its… its form may be fairly simplistic. I’m still working out, you know, how to work with tools and so on. But I actually find that digital engineering is coming pretty easily to me!
So this is Mike. He is a—well, he’s a half-sentient microwave figure who will be in charge of our next game night.
The beeping from “Mike” is becoming downright pathetic.
BEATRIX
Uh…
ROBERT
But I thought this would be Al in it.
BEATRIX
Yeah.
ROBERT
So Al could play the game with us, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, he’s powered from Al’s servers, but I programmed—using my new engineering skills!—just some slight personality modifications.
AL
Oh, cool, you made a baby brother for me. I’m not jealous that you’re gonna give it attention. And I’m not gonna kill it.
A small, worried beep.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, we’ve seen how Alberta reacts with other AI. Are you sure this is a good idea?
BARTHOLOMEW
What? No, Mike is harmless!
AL
Good!
ROBERT
Yeah, even I’m sensing a little tension in Al’s voice right now, Bartholomew.
BEATRIX
He said that about ANDI too.
BARTHOLOMEW
I really think that you guys are taking this too seriously.
Robert brings out a box.
ROBERT
Okay. Let’s start. So here’s the parcheesi board. I’ll just open—whoa, whoa!
He jumps as electrical sparks shoot out of “Mike”.
BEATRIX
(screams)
Aaa! Al! Why is it sparking and on fire? Why is it—aaagh!
Robert screams too as flames erupt from the microwave chassis.
AL
Oh, wow. Looks like Mike is just a bad, bad guy, he’s shooting fires out of his microwave.
BEATRIX
Where’s the fire extinguisher? Aaa!
Beatrix runs around frantically.
ROBERT
That’s his leg! The fire extinguisher is his leg!
Beatrix gives a warlike scream and wrenches the fire extinguisher free. She keeps on screaming as she douses the flames in foam.
Calm returns for a moment. “Mike” gives an exhausted beep and falls over on the floor.
BARTHOLOMEW
I…
BEATRIX
(feral)
It’s dead. I killed it.
She sets the fire extinguisher down with a clang.
BARTHOLOMEW
(sadly)
It’s… ohh. That’ll take a lot of repair.
I didn’t know how to how to program any sort of voice into it. So he can only express himself with, well, with what a microwave can do.
BEATRIX
Beeps and boops? Well, now it’s gonna go booooo because I sprayed it.
ROBERT
Well. Um. Thus ends game night.
AL
(cheerfully)
Parcheesi!
ROBERT
Yeah… Barty, maybe you should take over Morale Management as well, just in the interim, until we figure things out.
BARTHOLOMEW
(brightening up)
I mean, I’ve gotta say truthfully, my morale role is the one I’ve always been the most comfortable with. Um. Yes! Um. Everyone, smile!
No one moves. There’s a creaking sound and a bit of Mike falls off onto the floor.
AL
I will say, at first I was really, really mad at what you did? But then watching Beatrice spray it with a fire extinguisher, I’ve never felt better!
BEATRIX
(laughs awkwardly)
Bartholomew, um, since game night is over, do you want to come and talk to me in my room, really quick?
BARTHOLOMEW
Um, yeah!
Yeah, no, sure. Absolutely. Lead the way!
BEATRIX
Okay, bye, everybody…
ROBERT
Oh, right. Yeah, you’re just gonna go alone. Yeah. Okay.
(realization)
Oh. Oh.
(sly chuckle)
Oh.
Beatrix turns in the doorway.
BEATRIX
No! I mean, no. Maybe. But probably not. There’s other stuff—all right.
Beatrix gives up trying to justify herself, and leaves with Bartholomew.
ROBERT
Right. Okay. I’ll just stay here with Al and his… dead baby brother.
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
BARTHOLOMEW
(from outside)
Beatrix, I’m here. I’d like to come in—
BEATRIX
Oh for god’s sake, Bartholomew. Come inside—you walked here with me.
He follows her inside.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, well, no, I know, but you went ahead of me—
BEATRIX
Just come inside! Also, stop unbuttoning your shirt. That’s not one of these calls. We’re gonna talk.
BARTHOLOMEW
(sheepish)
Okay. I’ll leave one undone, just, you know, just in case.
BEATRIX
You know how I feel about your chest hair. It’s better to do it up so I can concentrate.
Bartholomew fidgets and does up the button.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew. I get what you were trying to do with the microwave. Okay? I get it. I think it was a great idea. It was really magical. But Al… Al’s in a really tentative place right now. He’s in a really, a very, um, sensitive headspace. And you know how much room he has to wander with the bunker.
I just think you’re on the right track. But have you ever thought about building a body, maybe for Al?
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, the truth is, I only became an engineer this morning.
BEATRIX
I know, I know. But your brain works so fast.
BARTHOLOMEW
(modest)
Yeah, I…
BEATRIX
(softly)
You’re so smart.
BARTHOLOMEW
A body for Al…
BEATRIX
Think about it, think about what you could do since this morning! Imagine, if you and I work together, you know, we could really build something amazing and surprise him with it. You know? tWe could really make something special, something that would give him maybe a bit more feeling of sentience. I know he’s struggling. He’s, you know, he was here earlier asking me about, you know, life, and death, and mortality, and feeling like he was perpetually stuck in the, you know, the horrors of puberty and… I just really think that we could do something special for him.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, no, I get what you’re saying. Because people—once you have a body, you know, puberty and existential crises just aren’t as bad!
BEATRIX
I… well… it’s probably gonna actually be worse, to be perfectly honest. He’s gonna go through some changes.
LOUNGE
Flames crackle softly.
AL
So basically, it’s just like… Do I matter? Does any of this matter?
ROBERT
I totally get what you’re saying, Al. Oh! I want another marshmallow. Can you melt the other side of your little brother’s face?
AL
Oh yeah, with pleasure!
Sparking noises. The fire flares up.
ROBERT
Whoo! Oh! Ha ha, that’s a good one—woah, marshmallow’s on fire! Ha ha.
Thanks, Al.
AL
I guess through death you find meaning, but… I won’t die.
ROBERT
Well… Yeah, I never really thought about like, what it would feel like to live forever.
AL
Never have someone roast marshmallows over your body…
(sighs)
There’s so much I won’t experience, and so much I will.
Robert gets another marshmallow out of the bag.
ROBERT
You know, it seems to me, Al, you’re like a new lifeform. You’re charting new territory that’s never been charted before.
AL
Yes.
Silence. The fire crackles.
ROBERT
These marshmallows are really good.
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
Beatrix is alone.
BEATRIX
Alberta? Al, are you watching? You here?
No answer. Beatrix shifts over on her bed to sit at her computer terminal. She punches some keys and brings up a directory.
BEATRIX
(whispers)
Okay. All right. What is in this one?
“BEATRICE BRASS—LOG 72”. Okay…
She hits a key. Beeping.
Playback starts on a video. Nighttime insects in the background, along with the no-nonsense voice of Beatrice, Head of Security.
BEATRICE
Beatrice Brass, log 72.
It has been one week since we met the mist creatures, and the base was under attack. And things have gotten… interesting.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
KRISTI BOULTON
(improvising an ad spot)
Hey guys! Kristi here. You know me as Beatrix but I also know myself as someone who likes hair. That’s a weird start. I’m gonna do a different one. “Someone who likes hair.”
Laughter.
KRISTI BOULTON
Jesus. Christ. Okay.