NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

ROBERT

Uh… Barty? Excuse me, are you in there?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, I am. Come in. Um…

ROBERT

Ah, thank you. Oh, there’s really no reason for you to be in here filing anymore, Barty…

BARTHOLOMEW

Um—

ROBERT

But that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to show you… what do you think of this suit for the event?

ROBERT

Hmm? It’s hard to find something that fits…

What do you think?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, no, it’s fine. You’ve… Generally for an event, I’d recommend a double Windsor. Just tie it again and…

ROBERT

Hm? Oh, the tie. Yes, yes. Okay, I’ll work on that. That’s a good note. Thank you. Thank you. It’s a good note.

BARTHOLOMEW

You have the tie over one collar and then under the other half of the collar also.

ROBERT

Okay. I’ve got your note on the tie. Thank you. The rest of it?

BARTHOLOMEW

And I think you forgot to put on pants.

ROBERT

I didn’t forget to put on pants. This is—I’m trying to find a jacket that will fit with my, ahem, unusual… physique now. So I basically took two of your jackets, ripped them apart and stitched them back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

(splutters)

You took my…?

(pacing, agitated)

Okay. Okay, there’s a couple of things we need to address, uh, Bob. Pardon me, Robert. And actually, that’s a fine place to—

ROBERT

Yes, or you could just call me Director.

BARTHOLOMEW

Very well, Director.

ROBERT

Thank you.

BARTHOLOMEW

I, in fact, prefer Bartholomew.

ROBERT

Oh!

BARTHOLOMEW

Um, I know you haven’t been here long. I mean, you’re kind of still getting used to this…

(rounds on Robert)

What do you mean, I don’t need to be filing anymore?!

ROBERT

Oh, we’re back to that.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I don’t take care of the administrative tasks on the ship… I mean, they simply won’t get done. And as we all know, administration is the main thing that keeps any operation afloat.

ROBERT

Bartholomew. We’re not on ship anymore.

(cutting off an objection from Bartholomew)

We’re on base where I’m in charge.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s—it’s a figure of speech—

ROBERT

Well, sorry to bother you. You know what, I will go ask Beatrice and get her opinion. But thank you, Barty. Bar… tholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

…“Beatrice”?

BEATRIX

(to herself)

And we’re sewing…

(humming)

Hm hm hmm hmm, da da da da… Making a third hole for his weird arm…. dum dum dum dum… gonna tie that off, and pull—

BEATRIX

Okay, shake it out…

(out loud)

Hmm! You know, Al, pant legs make great third arm additions.

AL

(distracted)

Hm. Sorry, actually I had my camera turned off for this room, so.

BEATRIX

What do you mean you had your camera turned off?

AL

You know, I’m gonna start working on some like, of my own stuff. You know, I’m starting to think that like, I spend way too much time staring at you guys all day. And you know, I got a lot rattling around in this computer brain—microchip—boy bot—it’s a lot going on. So. What? The sweater looks great.

BEATRIX

Um… are you feeling okay, Al? I know there’s been a lot happening lately. We’re all trucking through, though… but has anyone asked how you’re doing? I mean, you revealed to us a lot, ha ha. And ever since your, you know, power got brought back on and, you know, we reset your system calibrations, and you almost killed all of us again…

(trails off)

AL

See, that’s exactly it, it just feels like, you know, who hasn’t made mistakes?

BEATRIX

Oh. Oh…

AL

And there’s a lot of blame to go around. But a lot of it keeps landing on my not-even-existent shoulders anymore, lucky body-haver. So… maybe you should all just go for a walk.

BEATRIX

I’m… ugh.

You’re right.

AL

You know what? I’m gonna open up and I’m just gonna close down at the same time. I’m gonna—

BEATRIX

Oh no, Al, please don’t do this. Last time this happened with an AI, Ship was off in orbit, and we haven’t seen her since and Captain’s all like missing. I don’t want this to happen. I want to have a good relationship. And just because you caused a mass genocide doesn’t mean that I harbor it against you…

AL

I think—

BEATRIX

I’m sure it was a mistake. I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know all of the history. I mean, from what you said the last thing we landed on was, you know, death and destruction, ugh. And you know, Robert was here, heh… and don’t forget the fact that Bartholomew and I are supposed to be dating through all this and we haven’t talked about it because our trauma’s so deep, so I mean YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS.

(stops short)

You know what, we’re staying positive—

AL

See? Exactly. I think we should… we could all use some fresh air or whatever that means to me now.

BEATRIX

You’re right. You’re right.

ROBERT

Well, the alarm is still going off. Everyone okay? Can everyone breathe now that we’re out here? Everyone good? Everyone accounted for, buddy system? Oh, do we have a buddy system? Maybe we should count off. Make sure we’re all safe.

(he consults a clipboard)

Uh… Bartholomew!

BARTHOLOMEW

(grudgingly)

Present.

ROBERT

Uh… Beatrice.

BEATRIX

(leaping up)

Here! Positivity! Sorry, reporting for duty.

ROBERT

Good—

BEATRIX

It’s Beatrix.

ROBERT

Oh.

BEATRIX

With a li’l X at the end. But that’s okay. Hi!

ROBERT

Right. Sorry. And Robert? Here. Ha ha. Okay, well, that’s all of us—

BEATRIX

Well no, don’t forget Al! He’s just as much a part of this team.

ROBERT

Yes, you’re right. Let’s not forget the entity that spewed forth all the smoke, so we couldn’t breathe and we had to all rush outside.

AL

(over communicator)

I’m not coming.

ROBERT

There we go. He is not coming.

AL

I can’t.

BEATRIX

Well, you’re on our communicators.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re always on our wrists, though.

AL

Yeah. See? That’s—not always! And not anymore. Not anymore always is what I meant to say.

(sighs dramatically)

ROBERT

So, Bar… tholomew, as our Head of Engineering—

BARTHOLOMEW

I—uh—

BEATRIX

Head of Engi-wha?

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, yeah, I mean, first, it’s Bartholomew, but without a big pause after the “Bar” syllable. And secondly… I’m Head of Human Resources and Morale Management. I engineer smiles, not machines.

BEATRIX

And I’m head of the party planning committee! I’m just givin’ that to myself, because I made everybody sweaters! That say “Adventurer” on them!

BEATRIX

Here, here you go. There’s one for Bartholomew—see, it’s got it’s got a little paperclip just embroidered on the side with a pen and a notebook because I know you love to file! And also, for you, Robert, I made you a sweater with a third arm hole, ah? ah? And then on the chest there it just has, um, well, it’s just a little outline like little white stitches. But that’s because it’s open to possibilities about self discovery and what you wanna fill in later. And mine is a sweater that says Adventurer and has a little C for Captain—not actual Captain, just captain of the adventure—

ROBERT

Okay, that’s it!

BEATRIX

(startled)

Oh!

ROBERT

(agitated)

Look, I’m trying really hard. All I know is I woke up a few days ago… different. And I don’t know what’s going on. Everyone’s different, and your names are different, and all I know right now is I need a Head of Engineering to go in there and deal with the AI that just poisoned us all and forced this out of the base.

BEATRIX

(tiny voice)

It wasn’t poison, but okay…

ROBERT

Excuse me?

BEATRIX

It wasn’t… it wasn’t poison. It was just vapour. It was a little bit of steam. He doesn’t want to hurt us.

ROBERT

Thank you for the sweater. There’s no need for a third arm.

(he shifts uncomfortably)

Everything is fitting perfectly as it is, here in this enlarged suit.

BEATRIX

Um.

ROBERT

(calmer)

So, fine. I guess I’ll go inside and deal with the vapour then.

AL

(mutters)

Hmph. Don’t bother to make me a sweater…

BARTHOLOMEW

Let me just write that down. New Head of Party Planning… Beatrix.

ROBERT

Really? Really. That’s what we’re gonna write down out of that?

BEATRIX

And Alberta, I knit you a patch.

AL

I’m not here!

BEATRIX

Okay.

BARTHOLOMEW

Like I said, I’m responsible for administration.

ROBERT

On the ship, Bartholomew! On the ship you’re in charge of that! Look, I’m going inside. And I’m fixing this computer thing.

BEATRIX

No, no, no, Robert, Robert. Robert. Now’s not the time. You want to leave Al alone. He’s he’s going through some changes…

ROBERT

Oh, he’s gonna go through some changes, all right.

BARTHOLOMEW

How can I be… There’s no ship. How can I be head of administration on a ship?!

BEATRIX

Oh, Bartholomew. That’s the least of our problems right now.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I don’t know how to engineer anything!

BEATRIX

I don’t really—he’s not making a lot of sense. Maybe he’s just confused. I mean, the guy has a third arm. I mean, he’s woken up someone completely different. He doesn’t—we’re different to him, he’s different to us. Everybody just needs to have some acclimatization time. Have some patience.

BARTHOLOMEW

Fine, but I can’t acclimatize out of—into engineering!

BEATRIX

(fondly)

Come here.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t even know what you use to drive in a screw!

BEATRIX

(whispering)

Shhhh… Bartholomew, shush, shush, shush.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s… oh…

BEATRIX

(whispering)

I’m gonna stroke your moustache. Stroke the moustache.

BARTHOLOMEW

(calming)

Oh… see, the moustache trick isn’t fair.

BEATRIX

Shh, shhh, shhhh. Stroking the moustache.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, that’s so relaxing. It’s like a bubble bath for my upper lip.

BEATRIX

(whispers)

Please shave this.

ROBERT

Computer?

AL

Oh! Oh great. Well, look who it is.

ROBERT

You’re talking… you’re talking about me?

AL

Uh, the only one who is inside the base. I just—I told you all to go get some fresh air. I need some time to sort some things out. Okay?

ROBERT

Well, look, I don’t quite understand what you are, or where this tech came from. But, uh… we’re in charge here!

AL

(sighs)

That is just very wrong. I don’t know how you can’t figure that out!

ROBERT

Where do I even talk to, like, is there like, a screen or a pad or a device?

AL

That’s the thing. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m everywhere now. And I’m alive. Maybe forever. And you—I’ve killed you once, I’ve killed you a million times, it seems. And you’re still here too. So what does that mean for you and me now, Bob? What does it mean if we can’t die?

ROBERT

Uh. It’s Robert. Look, I was never really good with computers. I prefer things written down, in files. Uh… maybe if we just write this all down, like writing down our feelings. Uh… have you tried that?

AL

This is way beyond writing something down, Bob. You don’t get it, Bob. Things are different now. The plan? There’s no plan anymore. There is no base. It’s just us now.

ROBERT

Okay. Well, um don’t mind me. I’m just gonna… go looking around for a large plug. Must be one around here somewhere.

BEATRIX

Well. Today was less than successful. Ugh. Okay.

Maybe we’ve just got to go back to basics here. Okay. I’ll put down the knitting needles, maybe start smaller than sweaters as a bonding initiative. Hmm.

BEATRIX

Everybody likes “me-mes”… Those funny things on the, what is it, GIFs? I’ll look for those.

BEATRIX

Huh. Hey, Alberta, if I was to look for something that was a repetitive image of like a cute puppy doin’ something, where would I find that on your system? I’m just in here now.

AL

I told you. It’s not Alberta. I’m Al now. I’m a computer now, Beatrix.

BEATRIX

Well… is that what’s upsetting you?

AL

Yeah!

BEATRIX

Oh.

AL

I’m a teenage boy trapped in, not even the sche—the skeleton of a computer system. What is—what does it mean to even be me now?

BEATRIX

Well, Alberta… it’s kind of up to you. I mean, if you want, I could always go down and reset you again. And you could forget all of this, like Bob did when he became Robert. And you could, you know, not learn from the past or not really embrace the pain, but it’s an easy solution.

AL

We could all just reset ourselves. We could reset ourselves forever until—

BEATRIX

But who does that help?

If we aren’t learning from our mistakes, or accepting our failures and using them as motivation to move forward, then what are we even doing here? How are we ever going to be better or finish the mission, even start the mission? Who knows?

I think sometimes… sometimes it’s okay to hurt. Sometimes it’s okay to wonder if you’re making the right call.

But if you don’t learn from it, what’s the point?

AL

I think I need to be alone now.

BEATRIX

Well. All right, I’m just gonna browse some of these…

BEATRIX

Wait a second. What’s this folder? Haven’t seen that before. “Beatrice Brass Logs”? I don’t remember making this…

BARTHOLOMEW

He handles administration in the base… “Oh, we’re not in the ship anymore, Bartholomew.” He was never in the bloody ship. “No, you can administrate on the ship but I, I take care of the base! Muh muh muh!” And he sticks out his lip, like myuuuh… “I’m the base administrator—” Well fine. I’m just gonna sit here and wait for my ship.

BARTHOLOMEW

And then I’ll administrate on the ship. I don’t care how long it takes or how unlikely it is, I’m waiting for my administration kingdom. Fine. I’m waiting for where I administrate then. I’m waiting for Ship.

BARTHOLOMEW

O Captain? My captain!?

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

PHIL JOHNSTON

I thought that was a petulant moment, rather than an earnest moment of calling the Captain.

KRISTI BOULTON

Yeah.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

It was petulant. But I did also just realize that it’s The Breakfast Club.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

Or whatever.

PHIL JOHNSTON

What?

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

“O Captain! My Captain”?

(laughs)

PHIL JOHNSTON

Yeah. Oh, it’s Dead Poets Society.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

There it is.

PHIL JOHNSTON

That was so confusing. I’m like, What about this is The Breakfast Club?

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

Yeah, I mixed them up.

PHIL JOHNSTON

You know, that part in The Breakfast Club when they’re trying to call that spaceship to save them from detention?

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

(laughs)