Beatrice and Robert are tasked with enforcing a brutal new protocol on the base – only to find themselves under siege from a new threat.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: guns and mass murder.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
CELL BLOCK
Distant shouts and gunfire.
A motorized security gate rolls open, and Beatrice enters.
EMERSON (SEAN HOWARD)
(gruff voice)
Oh! Director Brass.
BEATRICE
(softly)
Emerson.
EMERSON
Um. There’s been no no movement from the cells.
BEATRICE
Good.
EMERSON
I’m hearing a lot of noise though… outside, Director.
BEATRICE
Yeah. Um. Emerson, I wanted to thank you for all of your service.
EMERSON
Oh, thank you.
Something clatters to the ground.
EMERSON
Oh, you dropped a pen. Oh, here. Let me get that for you. I’ll just—
BEATRICE
I’m so sorry.
She powers up her gun and shoots Emerson. He crumples to the floor.
Beatrice groans and walks past Emerson’s body to the cells.
BEATRICE
Alberta?
ALBERTA
Beatrice! Beatrice! Beatrice! Beatrice! Beatrice! Did you know that being in jail is not fun at all?
BEATRICE
(laughs weakly)
Yeah, no, I… I hear that. It’s not fun.
ALBERTA
I want you to tell the director I’m sorry that I pranked him all the time and stole his laptop—
BEATRICE
You what?
BARTY
Don’t say that!
ALBERTA
—I mean, okay. It’s all good… in the cell.
But you’re here to let us out, right?
Cause you’re not mad at me anymore?
BEATRICE
(sighs)
Gosh, Alberta, I was never mad at you. Except that one time, with the bees.
ALBERTA
(whimpers)
Robert walks in.
ROBERT
(businesslike)
Oh. Director Brass, what are you doing here?
BEATRICE
Oh. Director Tinsley. What are you doing here?
ROBERT
I guess I don’t need this gun for Emerson.
Robert holsters his gun.
BEATRICE
No, sir. I thought I told you I was gonna take this block.
ROBERT
I’ve… well, there was a fire in my office. Things got a little out of control on the upper level. And, um, some things were getting burned. And by mistake, a couple of files that were on the edge just happened to… bump off into the fire.
BEATRICE
Oh, and because you’ve been asking for emails and everything to be printed out… that would be the last evidence, unless someone stole information off your laptop. But I don’t think anyone’s done that because that would be a major issue. Right, sir?
ROBERT
Correct. Haven’t seen my laptop in… well, it’s been about half a year now since… well, regardless. Your file was… may have been one of the ones that got bumped off, as well as, um Barty and Alberta. And the cook, you know.
BEATRICE
Oh.
ROBERT
Taco night.
BEATRICE
Um. Right. So then… okay.
And we can just open the cells.
ROBERT
Yeah, I just couldn’t have anyone know. So Emerson… well, I see that’s been taken care of.
BEATRICE
Well, he was on my list.
ROBERT
Yeah.
BEATRICE
Anyone else oI should be wary of?
ROBERT
It’s the best I could do, Director Brass. I’m going to go back to my quadrant.
BEATRICE
Sir. There is already a fire started behind the base just through the trees. There’s a special place that I sometimes go to just have some quiet and I thought that since no one’s ever found me there, it would probably be the best place to, um… well.
ROBERT
I didn’t expect you to tell me that. Thank you.
Beatrice hands him a piece of paper.
BEATRICE
Here’s a map. Just burn it when you’re done.
ROBERT
Thank you. I really appreciate that, Director Brass.
ALBERTA
Okay, now let’s go get Barty so we can be a family again!
BEATRICE
Um.
ROBERT
I’ll leave you to those two and I’ll finish… my duty.
BEATRICE
Sir, just don’t forget to… we have to release the memory gas into the sleeping chambers when you’re done.
ROBERT
We’re supposed to do that after?
BEATRICE
Yes…?
ROBERT
Oh. Heh. Right.
BEATRICE
If people see things after the gas, that means they have to get a double dose of the gas.
ROBERT
Heh! Well, what’s two doses compared to one? Uh, I may have already released a little of it… just a little.
BEATRICE
Okay.
ROBERT
I’m gonna go do my quadrant.
He leaves. Beatrice turns to Barty’s cell.
BEATRICE
Bartholomew.
BARTY
Please call me Barty. Or… what? Prisoner 23684? Would that be more appropriate now? Given my new station?
BEATRICE
(sighs)
I’m sorry.
BARTY
Oh! Well, never mind, I really shouldn’t have been harbouring this grudge, then—you know, you’re going to lead me into the back, and there will be a great pyre there waiting for me, but you know, you’re sorry! So it’s, you know, it’s one of those, weigh it, you know, my life, dying, Alberta…
BEATRICE
Did you not hear what the director said? Your files were burned. They were redacted. You do not yourself physically have to burn, because your file is gone.
BARTY
Oh! Okay. So we’re going to do, what, march out onto the desolate planet treatment? Alberta and I agree to run away?
BEATRICE
No. No!
BARTY
Oh, well, what then? I mean, I have grown fond of this cell…
BEATRICE
Then stay there! If that’s what you want Bartholomew, because you never speak in sarcasm—why don’t you stay there? It’s probably safe! I mean, you can’t be approached in there by anything horrifying, can you? No, the bars are quite sturdy. You know what, why don’t you live here? Why don’t you just stay here instead of listening to me and trying to understand that I came here to try and save you? No, no, instead, why don’t you just bring out the sarcasm guns? Because apparently that’s the only way you can communicate!
Silence.
BEATRICE
Tell me again. Tell me again how I come bearing the death penalty.
BARTY
Sorry, am I not taking my imprisonment well?
Look, what do you want from me? I want you to let me go. Is that what you want me to say? I… I think you’re a good person—
BEATRICE
(a humourless laugh)
BARTY
—and that you will choose to do what’s best for Alberta and I, given the opportunity. And I would like that.
Silence.
BEATRICE
(slow build)
You have no idea what is going on. You’ve had no idea from the beginning. You have always worn this hunky-dory, goofball sentience all over you. And you dragged Alberta into it, when really, did you forget what we were doing here? Did you forget that we are here to make a better Earth? Did you forget that we are here and that sacrifices must be made and that mistakes will happen and that sometimes people die? Have you forgotten that every single time you’ve made a joke? Because you’ve never listened to me. And it’s great, you think I’m a good person, but I don’t feel like a good person right now because I’ve just murdered half of my crew. So make another joke.
ALBERTA
What?
BEATRICE
Yeah, I murdered some people, Alberta. Crush your innocence, whatever it is you need to do to get through this.
ALBERTA
(small voice)
Oh, okay.
A crackle of static.
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Director Brass, are you there?
BEATRICE
What?
ROBERT
I know it’s not important, but uh, if you could just put out some feelers to find someone who’s good at making tacos for Taco Tuesdays? There may have been a bit of confusion around the cook being… not on the list. Uh. Gotta go!
BEATRICE
I’m going to open your cells. But I need you two to understand that things are not going to be simple anymore.
You both saw what happened in the basement. You have no idea what I saw before you got there. You have no idea the responsibility that it takes to be Beatrice Brass. So I ask you to please start treating this mission like it is dire, because at this point it is. We have lost two-thirds of our crew. We are a skeleton bunch left. And Bartholomew, I know about the secret pods.
BARTY
Well then, I guess you know what it means when I say that the upload that I asked Alberta to do earlier is nearly complete.
ALBERTA
I can do computers on my watch too.
BEATRICE
That’s great, Alberta.
And Bartholomew, you might just save us all.
The radio crackles again
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Ah, Director Brass.
BEATRICE
What?
ROBERT
(over communicator)
I just want to double check something… when we met, you know, you sort of implied that maybe I shouldn’t have released the memory gas on my quadrant first and should have waited till after. Was that was that what you were saying to me?
BEATRICE
Yes, sir.
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Okay, um, I’m getting reports of a gas from all levels of the base including your quadrant. So I was just double checking because it would be like you had released the gas first. Um…
BEATRICE
I didn’t release any gas.
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Well… maybe someone on your team released the gas? Because there appears to be large amounts of gas and people are acting very strange.
BEATRICE
But the memory gas isn’t supposed to have any side effects beyond sleep and wiping memory.
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Right. Yeah. That’s my understanding too. They don’t appear to be going to sleep, they appear to be picking up weapons and killing people.
Silence.
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Yeah. So just keep an eye out for gas. Maybe you could check on that.
BEATRICE
What?
ROBERT
(over communicator)
Oh, here comes one now. Gotta go, gotta go!
BEATRICE
(silence, then frazzled laughter)
Just another Tuesday. Am I right?
BARTY
What’s that smell?
BEATRICE
Cover your mouths.
BARTY
(mouth covered)
What’s that smell?
BEATRICE
I’ll be back. Stay in your cells.
Beatrice runs off.
BEATRICE
Beatrice walks through a lower corridor on the base.
BEATRICE
Frederickson, do you copy?
FREDERICKSON (PHIL JOHNSTON)
(over communicator)
Right. It’s Frederickson and I’m copying on my walkie-talkie now, yes.
BEATRICE
(mutters to herself)
How did you make it through this purge? Anyway.
(aloud)
Frederickson, can you tell me… I’m smelling some strange fumes—fire—was there an explosion somewhere in the base?
FREDERICKSON
(over communicator)
It seems to be that there was a massive explosion down in the levels that were sealed. It seems that something has overcharged them and there is a very, very large subterranean crater three vertical miles beneath us.
Gas seems to be seeping out from all vents on the lower levels and also cracks in the walls.
BEATRICE
(to herself)
What the hell…
FREDERICKSON
(over communicator)
My ventilator seems to be keeping me safe for now, at least.
BEATRICE
Okay. Keep me posted, I guess. Keep moving with the clean sweep.
FREDERICKSON
(cheerfully)
Oh, yeah, there’s blood on my hands! Over and out!
LABORATORY
Alberta hunts through a filing cabinet.
ALBERTA
(to himself)
Okay, thanks for the codes, Brass—that was easier to get out of the cell than I thought it would be, once you showed up. And now where’s that frickin’ little… there it is, the laptop. Okay.
The door slides open.
SECURITY OFFICER (SEAN HOWARD)
Hey! What are you doing?
Oh, sorry, Alberta. I didn’t realize you were out. Sorry, I guess it makes sense you’re in your office. Just doing the rounds!
Wait a second, I’ve got to check a list.
(he consults a piece of paper)
Nope, all’s good. Have a good day!
ALBERTA
Thanks. You have a good day too, killing all of our friends that I’ve ever had in my whole life.
SECURITY OFFICER
You know it!
The door shuts behind him.
Alberta pulls out the laptop.
ALBERTA
If I hadn’t stolen it… if I hadn’t taken this frickin’ laptop, none of this would have happened. No one would have had to die and I have to destroy it or else we’ll die too. And all my friends are gonna die. So I’m just gonna smash it apart with a hammer. Just like the captain told me to—smash apart my innocence, like Brass said, I’m gonna smash it.
He starts smashing the laptop to pieces.
ALBERTA
Stupid…! Technology is so… it’s so dumb! It can be so cool, but it’s also so dangerous and I don’t want to live dangerously anymore!
He finishes and straightens up, panting.
ARMOURY
Fire crackles. Beatrice makes her way through the level, coughing from the smoke.
BEATRICE
God… what is all this? Ugh… Oh, God. Okay. There’s the suit. Get back in. Oh, God, I don’t want to go back in…
She climbs into the mechanical suit, which whirs shut around her. The fire outside is a dull roar.
BEATRICE
Okay… Suit! Engage.
A startup chime sounds.
SUIT
Hello again, Director Brass. It has been a small amount of time.
BEATRICE
Yes. Yes, it has. Do you have some sort of fire-extinguishing capabilities?
SUIT
I do. Engaging fire safety protocol.
The suit turns and begins walking through the level. Whooshes from a built-in fire extinguisher.
BEATRICE
Suit. Can you tell me; there was an explosion on one of the lower levels? Do you know anything about that? Can your sensors read anything?
The Suit continues putting out the fire, while emitting beeping tracker signals.
SUIT
Yes, there was an explosion. Some of the pods, once they were deactivated, had chemical side effects that caused a massive crater to open underneath the base.
BEATRICE
Okay. Okay. Okay. Are we structurally intact?
SUIT
It seems for the moment the base is relatively safe, save for all of the gas.
BEATRICE
Okay, let’s get this gas. What is this? What is it? Is it just like a natural gas? Is it—I don’t know. I don’t know much about gas, to be perfectly honest. What is it?
SUIT
Well, in terms that someone from Earth would understand, gas is one way to describe it. But the gas appears to be a life form of sorts.
BEATRICE
What?
The built-in communicator crackles
ROBERT
(over communicator, coughing violently and out of breath)
This is the director, Director Brass. Uh… Director Tinsley! Oh, God, uh—implement security protocol Alpha Omega!
(coughs)
We are under attack! Do not breathe the mist!
A familiar gaseous hissing sound comes over the communicator.
ROBERT
Oh, no…
LABORATORY
Computer terminals beep, logging masses of data.
BARTY
(coughing and laboured breathing)
Alberta… Is the upload complete?
ALBERTA
(panting)
Barty, it’s getting really hard to breathe in my office for some reason—like anytime the director tries to cook.
Beeping.
BARTY
It’s fine. If the upload is done. The upload is done, right? Say that it’s done. Look at me and say that it’s done.
A confirmation beep.
ALBERTA
It’s finished. It’s finished. It says “Confirmed”.
BARTY
Okay! For you and for me, then, you and I, we’re going to be okay.
The door to the lab slides open.
BARTY
No matter what happens because you uploaded you and you uploaded me.
ALBERTA
What about…
Robert walks slowly over.
ROBERT
(softly)
Hi, Barty.
ALBERTA
What about the director?
BARTY
What? you uploaded the director? Hi, director.
(silence)
Director?
ROBERT
This won’t hurt. Much.
He powers up a gun and fires.
SUIT
Tracking beeps.
BEATRICE
I’m sorry, what do you mean that it’s a life form?
SUIT
My sensors indicate that it is an amorphous being that is sentient, with its own feelings, and thoughts and desires. And currently, my readings indicate that it desires to wipe you out.
BEATRICE
(laughs)
Gases don’t have feelings. I mean, what are you—wait, what is that?
Hello?
The familiar hissing again, inside the suit. It’s the gas creature Bob will later name…
MIST-I-SEE (LEE SMART)
Hello…
BEATRICE
Oh my god.
LABORATORY
Wounded, Barty gasps for breath.
ALBERTA
Bartholomew!
BARTY
Alberta… what is it?
ALBERTA
(choked up)
I would rather prefer it if you didn’t die now though, ’cause it is making me sad.
BARTY
(weakly)
Listen, if the glint in the director’s eyes is any indication… you won’t have to worry about that for too long.
I’ll see you soon.
He slumps.
ALBERTA
Barty, no!
Across the room, Robert turns, and begins to walk slowly toward Alberta.
ROBERT
(quietly)
Alberta. There you are.
ALBERTA
(calm)
Director Brass was right. I guess it’s time to grow up.
ROBERT
I don’t think you’re gonna have a lot of time to grow up, Alberta.
Now, just hold still.
He powers up his gun and fires again. Alberta screams.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
KRISTI BOULTON (AS SUIT)
(sings, but without voice processing)
Doot doot doot doot, doot doot doot doot, I am kill-ing, engaging protocol, killing bling bling death death bong bong, I am killing, bap bap bap bap, doot doot doot do, bang bang pew pew. Look at the—humans explode. Everything is fine when you’re in my node—uh—ugh, oh dear. You have vomited. Well, I have a sanitation song too.
(out of character)
What’s the sanitation song again?
ELI HAMADA MCILVEEN
(laughing)
I don’t remember.