As she faces down hordes of “misfires” in the lower levels, Beatrice gets more help than she wants.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: guns, combat, body horror, mass murder and trauma.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
BEATRICE
Beatrice is still inside Suit. We hear the beeping of her interface.
SUIT
Would you like to hear a joke?
BEATRICE
No, I do not have time for a joke right now. In fact, we are in quite a dire situation, there are creatures outside of this room and I just really need some help. I need some help—I’m struggling, I’m covered in blood or some sort of liquid. And I just, I’m asking for help. I’m asking for help. I know you are just a suit, but I just, I really, I could use some help.
SUIT
Suit. Yes, that is me. I am Suit. I am equipped with a number of safety protocols to protect those who are encased within me.
In the distance, the groans of the zombie-like “misfire” crew members are approaching.
SUIT
Engaging Death Battalion Phase 2 protocol!
Bleeping and whirring as Suit’s weapon systems activate.
SUIT
Let’s do this.
A heavy pow-pow-pow from Suit’s guns. The Suit turns with a whir and blasts several more crew members.
BEATRICE
Oh my god!
Amidst the gunfire and carnage, Suit launches into a cheery song.
SUIT
(singing)
Doot doot doot doot, doot doot doot doot, I am kill-ing, killing, plink plink death death bong bong…
Frantic shouts from Beatrice and cries from the mutated crew members outside.
SUIT
(singing)
I am killing, doot doot doot doo, bang bang pew pew. Look at the—humans explode—
Continuing gunfire and chaos. Beatrice throws up inside her helmet.
SUIT
Oh. It appears you have vomited.
Beatrice gasps for breath.
SUIT
Don’t worry. I have a sanitation program. And it comes with a song.
BEATRICE
(sobbing)
Oh god…
Suit begins singing again, accompanying itself with bleeps and bloops and more gunshots.
SUIT
(singing)
If you have to sanitize, don’t get it in your eyes; you must hypothesize why you must sanitize. If you do smell like poo, here’s what you’re going to do; you must sanitize. Everybody!
BEATRICE
(sobbing)
THE OTHERS
From behind a heavy door come the muffled sounds of Suit’s massacre.
ALBERTA
Um. Do you guys hear the sound of what can only be described as endless carnage behind the door?
ROBERT
I think we might need to maybe get back up to the rest of the base and, I don’t know, do something, there must be some protocol; lockdown protocol; Barty?
BARTY
That’s the purview of security more than anything else. Listen, I can’t help you down here. I didn’t even know this floor existed.
ROBERT
Well, what do you say we leave this floor? You know, it sounds like, I’m sure Beatrice—Miss Brass—has this under control. And we could just lockdown, maybe, the elevators.
ALBERTA
We can’t leave without Beatrice!
BARTY
Do you hear the noises coming from in there?! I mean, I believe in Beatrice’s talents as much as anybody but I hardly think anyone can have that under control.
More shots and explosions and grunts.
ROBERT
Well, just think of it this way, gentlemen: if Miss Brass doesn’t have—ohh, that was a big sound—this under control, imagine what she has uncovered and maybe we shouldn’t be here in the hall defenseless when it emerges!
ALBERTA
So you’re just gonna leave her to die?!
ROBERT
I don’t have many other options. I’m trying to save lives here, Alberta!
BARTY
If we need to debrief, we can debrief here.
ROBERT
(sighs)
Fine. Let’s at least call other security personnel down or, or try and block off the levels or something. There’s a lot of people’s lives at stake here.
BARTY
Okay, okay. We came down on an elevator. Assuming that’s the only way down, we could block it off.
ROBERT
Yeah, let’s just assume! Let’s assume there’s only one way down to a level that neither you nor I knew even existed in the base. We clearly are operating in the dark here, Barty, and I don’t like it.
BARTY
Well, what solutions do you have, Shouty Man?
ROBERT
Run away and block it off so we can contain the problem as much as possible.
ALBERTA
Oh, look! Shouty Man wears coward pants!
ROBERT
Sometimes as an adult, Alberta, you have to make hard decisions to save lives.
BARTY
It doesn’t seem like it’s a hard decision that you’re making, Director.
The big door rolls open and Suit steps through.
SUIT
Shall I engage? Are these also potential threats that need DEFCON 5?
ALBERTA
A robot that wants to kill us!
ROBERT
I told you! I told you! Run for the elevator, Alberta! Run for the elevator!
He runs and punches the elevator button. Meanwhile, the Suit opens with a whir of servos.
ROBERT
Doors! Doors open! Open doors!
BEATRICE
(grim)
I—told you—not to—
She’s cut off as Alberta launches himself at her.
ALBERTA
Beatrice, I know it’s against protocol to call you by your first name and hug you but I’m doing both right now because I thought you were dead!
BEATRICE
(gentler)
Thank you. Alberta.
ROBERT
The elevator’s opening! The elevator’s opening!
BEATRICE
Wait!
ALBERTA
What…?
BEATRICE
Send it back. You’re here now, you might as well know.
I’m tired of carrying this by myself.
Robert is frantically punching the Close button.
ROBERT
Okay, I’m gonna send the elevator back… with me in it! Goodbye!
The doors close and the elevator begins to ascend.
BEATRICE
Director!
BARTY
Beatrice, what’s going on? Is everything okay, down here. Are we safe?
BEATRICE
Are we safe? Is everything okay?
(hollow laughter)
Well! I mean, what’s your definition of “okay”? I mean, there’s a sliding scale, this very moment. I mean, I guess “okay” is kind of an interesting thing to assume, but because I’m not, you know, on fire or, I mean, I’m not being chased by limbs, but hey, I dunno, that’s okay. It’s fine. I mean, the situation is okay. Are you okay? How are you? How was the party?
BARTY
I…
BEATRICE
(exaggerated bubbly cheer)
How was the party? Did ya have a good time at the party?
(back to shock)
Sorry, I’m falling apart a little bit, just a shock of what’s been happening in the last little bit. It’s just starting to hit me because I’ve been carrying this secret and now Brenda’s dead and it’s partially my fault—oh, and we have suits! We have suits that do horrible, terrible things when you ask them for help, just horrible, horrible things you can’t unsee, limbs everywhere, flying blood splattering everywhere, the sounds, oh god, the sounds, I thought it was gonna tell me a joke and then all of a sudden there was just this string of death and violence and gore and I’m just like, Oh, do I feel comfortable in here? Because I can’t turn my eyes off—they don’t blink so… I’m okay!
The elevator opens again. Robert sees he’s back on Level M and starts hitting the button again.
ROBERT
Oh god, no, go up! Going up! Going up!
BARTY
Beatrice… sarcasm isn’t really your strong suit. You don’t seem okay.
BEATRICE
I mean, I’m alive. Right? Right? I’m not, I’m not one of them. I didn’t die in there. And, and I’m not back. And this is—this is me, right? Like I am… me. Bartholomew—
BARTY
Uh—
She grabs him.
BEATRICE
Bartholomew, no no no, just tell me, it is me, right? You can see that I’m me, I don’t have some other weird thing, right? I’m Beatrice, right? I’m not some—it’s me.
(she trails off, breathless, and takes a step back)
Sorry, I don’t mean to be grabbing you. I’m sorry.
BARTY
That seems like Beatrice to me.
BEATRICE
Aha. Alberta. Alberta! When you hugged me, I didn’t have any weird lumps or… movement under my, like, skin pieces did I? The skin is one piece right? I don’t even know anymore! So many pieces—
ALBERTA
No, you were all normal…
A shambling and groaning from beyond the open door.
BEATRICE
Oh, god!
Beatrice dashes back to the Suit and grabs a rifle. She powers it up and blasts the approaching zombie crew member. Blood splatters the floor as he falls.
ALBERTA
Oh god!
BEATRICE
I thought I had them all. Nngh!
She finishes the zombie off with another shot. He slumps.
Silence.
BARTY
He doesn’t seem okay.
BEATRICE
We need… we need to conceal this issue. We need to block off this this whole floor. And we need to close Level M, N, O, P and Q.
ALBERTA
What? Okay, let me…
Alberta walks to a computer terminal and starts punching in commands.
ALBERTA
Why did you keep this a secret from us?
BEATRICE
It wasn’t anyone else’s concern. Everything was—everything was fine, they were in—they were in the pods. They were there, they were secured and they… I thought they were dead. I thought they were done. I didn’t think that… I didn’t think they were still… alive.
BARTY
We’ll figure it out later. Beatrice, you know what’s going on here. I don’t fully understand it. But you are the person to lead us through this.
BEATRICE
(shell-shocked whimpering)
BARTY
Give me an order. What can we do?
BEATRICE
Seal the doors.
Alberta is still typing.
ALBERTA
Miss Brass… I’m in the system, and I could probably close everything down but I’d have to—there’s a lot of files in here and I’d have to delete most of the information to do it.
BEATRICE
Do it.
ALBERTA
But there’s a lot of—there’s so much stuff—
BEATRICE
Do it!
ALBERTA
Okay. I’ll just—yeah.
He presses a few more buttons.
ALBERTA
Okay, well, that’s all the levels except for ours shouldn’t be accessible anymore by the elevator. But… Barty, I can’t—I don’t know how to close this one off with us still in it.
BARTY
It doesn’t look like the director is coming back. Can we reach him on comms?
BEATRICE
Wait. One second.
She steps back into the Suit, which chimes as it boots up.
SUIT
Hello, Director Brass! Your vital signs seem to be spiking. Would you like to hear a joke now?
BEATRICE
No no no, not the time—jokes? I’ll listen to a joke next time. But right now I need you to connect myself to the director. Can you do that? Can you do that from inside?
SUIT
I can. Initiating contact. Though I won’t lie. I am disappointed that after all of the trauma that we have experienced together, you still do not want to hear a joke.
BEATRICE
Fine. Tell me one joke. One joke while we wait for this horror show to move forward.
SUIT
What do you call a zombie who is chasing you relentlessly and trying to kill you?
BEATRICE
I don’t know—
SUIT
Security Officer Anderson! Ha ha ha ha. It’s funny because he is no longer with us.
BEATRICE
(crying)
We need to work on your humour levels…
ROBERT
(over communicator)
What do you—what are you talking about? Work on my what? Where’s your voice coming from?
BEATRICE
Director, you cowardly son of a bitch! You better get that elevator back down here right now because the three of us are alive and well enough. We’re okay. And we need you to bring the elevator back down to let us up so we can close these levels and stop the carnage. So get your butt back down here immediately, you coward!
ROBERT
(over communicator; suddenly calm and businesslike)
Director Brass. We are currently in transit to this “Level M” with an elevator packed full of security personnel who are fully armed. And look! Here we come now.
The elevator door rolls open and several soldiers jog out into the corridor, followed by Robert.
ROBERT
Gentlemen, if you’d fan out please…
Miss Brass, Barty, let’s secure what we need to secure. I’m not sure how to hold the elevator here. Uh, Barty, perhaps you could come in and figure out how to use these buttons.
BARTY
You just press the center button and then it’s—no, don’t let go!
Too late. The doors shut.
ROBERT
Well, there goes the elevator.
BARTY
(sighs)
ROBERT
Well, I brought all the security personnel I could find, fully armed. We also have these thermonuclear grenade devices—not sure how to use those, maybe you should hold them. Well, maybe not you—you look a little troubled right now, Director Brass. How about you Barty? Why don’t you hold the thermonuclear grenade? Okay.
He hands the grenade to Barty.
BEATRICE
(low voice)
I asked you not to bring anyone here.
ROBERT
Yes. Well, I made a command decision because lives were at risk. And I realized that the three of us just standing here with our thumbs up our you-know-whats wasn’t gonna do much, so, um… let’s just lock this down and get out of here. Okay?
BEATRICE
You don’t understand what you’ve just done.
ROBERT
Oh, trust me, Director Brass. I do.
BARTY
Alberta. Do you understand what he’s just done?
ALBERTA
Uhhhh…
BEATRICE’S ROOM
BEATRICE
(numb)
Oh god. Oh god.
What have I done? Oh god.
I can’t unsee any of that… they just keep screaming if I close my eyes, I can see them…
(deep breath)
I don’t know how to keep doing this. I don’t know if I can keep doing this.
Silence.
ROBERT
(over intercom)
Um. May I come in, Miss Brass?
BEATRICE
Um.
Yes, yeah. Come in.
Robert enters. The door closes behind him.
BEATRICE
I wasn’t—I wasn’t—I wasn’t crying. I’ve just been in the dining hall cutting onions.
ROBERT
Yeah. I understand.
BEATRICE
For dinner.
ROBERT
It is taco night.
BEATRICE
And the dust mites in…
ROBERT
Yeah.
BEATRICE
Foreign. They’ve—you know, from a different universe, you know, whatever. Wherever we are, it’s just messing with my ducts. Ducks, ducts…
ROBERT
Yeah. Our—
BEATRICE
“Tear ducts”—is that like quack-quack ducks? Or like “ducts” like the air ducts? I don’t…
ROBERT
Miss Brass.
BEATRICE
Yes. Sir.
ROBERT
I wasn’t sure how to ask this. I’m not really good with small talk, as you know… are you going to instigate Clean Sweep protocol?
Silence.
BEATRICE
I don’t see any other way to get around this.
You brought them down. Why did you bring them down?!
ROBERT
Containment had been broken, Miss Brass.
BEATRICE
I—I had it under control.
ROBERT
If they had gotten loose into the rest of the base… I was stuck. I could not let on that I knew about Levels M through Q.
BEATRICE
Not in front of the others. But you could have told me. I’ve been carrying this burden alone.
ROBERT
Yes. Well, we don’t get to choose our orders, do we, Miss Brass?
BEATRICE
We are on this planet to try and create life and more space for humans—for all of us! We can’t always abide by the rules. That’s something I’m learning. We can’t always just follow protocol by people who aren’t here!
ROBERT
Why do you think I’m here in your chambers?!
BEATRICE
Honestly, I don’t know.
ROBERT
I have protocols I’m supposed to follow. It’s why I’m asking you if you’re going to follow your prescribed protocol or not. Because I’m questioning mine.
BEATRICE
Am I part of your “clean sweep”, sir?
ALBERTA AND BARTY
ALBERTA
Weird.
BARTY
Yeah. Do you… do you want to play chess?
A voice comes from down the hall.
GUARD
Hey, quiet down in there!
ROBERT
I never should have stolen the director’s laptop.
BARTY
(whispers)
You have the director’s laptop computer in here?
ALBERTA
Well, I don’t have the director’s laptop, but like, I kind of took it from him as a prank a long time ago, and I downloaded all the important information on to my little hard drive watch. Then I forgot to give it back. So I guess he put us in jail because of my theft.
BARTY
Oh! Oh boy. Okay.
So you’re thinking of this as just sort of a temporary punishment for a youthful indiscretion, is that right Alberta?
ALBERTA
Yeah. I got caught and now this is just a big slap on our wrists.
Barty gets up and paces.
BARTY
Okay. Hoo, tough talk.
Okay. You’ve been here a while, you’ve been a director of a department for a while, and you’ve noticed how we’ve all been getting along, more or less, and been treated as equals with Director Brass and Director Tinsley…
ALBERTA
This has been the happiest time of my entire life.
BARTY
Right. And the last time that we saw them, Director Tinsley looked at us with with darkness in his eyes, what appeared to be a heavy weight upon his soul and, perhaps most tellingly, an armed battalion of guards forcing us into a cell.
Um… This doesn’t feel temporary to me, Alberta. Not to go out on a limb here—I’m thinking we saw too much. And… and maybe director Tinsley isn’t really seeing us as a friend anymore.
A long silence.
ALBERTA
Prison sucks!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS SCENE
ROBERT
(over a radio channel)
Priority message to Control. Spore Protocol is a failure. A minor breach has occurred.
Implementing Clean Sweep.
Over and out.