310: Misfires

Deep below the base, Barty, Robert and Alberta try to locate Beatrice while she faces down her former teammates.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.

Content warning: panic, body horror, death, gore, guns and mercy killing / mass murder.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

LEVEL M—BEATRICE

Footsteps echo down a corridor, and a harsh sound of bubbling, hissing breath.

CREW MEMBER

(sluggish, slurring voice)

Director…

BEATRICE

(gasps, whispers)

Goddammit.

Her footsteps speed up.

CREW MEMBER

Director…

BEATRICE

(whispers)

Pull it together, Beatrice, you can get out of this. How many can there be? Fifty? forty… forty-five… sixty… How many bullets do you have? Okay…

She presses a button on her gun. There’s a beep.

BEATRICE

(sighs)

Goddammit.

The sounds of heavy, difficult breathing grow louder. Another “misfire” crew member approaches.

CREW MEMBER 2

Director. Jeffries reporting… for… duty!

He gives a pained grunt as he tries to salute.

BEATRICE

Oh god, Jeffries, what happened to you?

CREW MEMBER 2

Where is my arm?

(gurgling and grunting)

Beatrice powers up her gun.

BEATRICE

I’m so sorry.

CREW MEMBER 2

Sorry for what, Director?

BEATRICE

This.

She shoots him, and he collapses wetly on the floor.

ELSEWHERE IN LEVEL M—THE OTHERS

ROBERT

Um. Wow, it’s just like out of the movies—red lights…

ALBERTA

Yeah… very dark, red lights…

Big door, really big door.

ROBERT

Big door that says “DO NOT ENTER. STAY AWAY. HIGH VOLTAGE.”

(laughs nervously)

That’s what they put on everything that you’re not supposed to go into, I suppose.

Silence.

ALBERTA

Well, I guess now… we go through the door, right Barty?

BARTY

I… I mean, look, I’m still not on board with this whole “Let’s go find Beatrice” thing, but if that’s what we’re doing, then yeah, we go through the door.

ROBERT

Okay, look, I get it, Barty. But don’t you think it’s a little strange there’s an entire level of this base that you as head of Engineering and me as head of the facility don’t know a thing about?

ALBERTA

And that the second we got down here, it feels haunted and very spooky?

BARTY

I’m not saying—ROBERT

Oh, here’s a light switch.

He flips it, and the lights sputter to life.

ALBERTA

Oh! Oh, now, that’s much worse. Much worse! Very spooky. Very scary. Everything is chrome.

BARTY

Look, I can’t believe I’m the one to say this—yes, it’s a little strange, but obviously Beatrice knows about it.

Robert turns and walks over to investigate a door.

ROBERT

What’s this? It says “SPORE PROTOCOL”.

BEATRICE

BEATRICE

Okay. Okay, come on, Beatrice. Just gotta get to the suit. Just get to the suit and it’ll have the armour. Just got to get to the back—where is it again?

A door slides open for her as she walks through, and shuts behind her.

BEATRICE

Down left, back corner… go down one—

A beeping from her communicator. She stops and checks it.

BEATRICE

Why is my wrist beeping? Who’s here? Oh god. how did they find this floor? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no. Okay, as long as the doors hold, it’ll be fine. Just get to the suits. Get to the suits, Beatrice!

She hurries on.

THE OTHERS

ROBERT

I like that you’re now with us, Barty.

BARTY

Yyyeah, I’m with you. I think it shows a certain lack of trust in Beatrice, but I’m with you! I’m here.

ROBERT

Well, this isn’t about Beatrice, she’s clearly following a protocol. This is about someone, somewhere, in the chain of command keeping all of us blind to what the truth is about the base that we’re building!

BARTY

Okay, yes.

ROBERT

Now before I would have sided with you like “Oh, it’s a conspiracy theory”. But as Alberta says, this looks pretty spooky and like… I don’t know—

BARTY

I admit to some curiosity.

ROBERT

Okay!

ALBERTA

This is Ghost Town, population: us. Something’s not right down here.

ROBERT

Oh! Can’t you use the locator thing and we can see where Beatrice is now that we’re on the floor? Like, maybe we don’t have to go through this big door “Spore Protocol” thing?

Alberta pulls out a piece of electronic equipment and starts pressing buttons.

ALBERTA

Well, there is—I could make it emit an extremely loud beeping sound that would alert anything nearby to her presence, very obvious. But we know she’s behind the doors. So would that really help us?

ROBERT

I think it sounds like a great idea, then we could follow the beeping sound!

ALBERTA

Oh yeah, anything could follow the beeping sound!

He presses a few more buttons, and his own unit begins to beep regularly.

BARTY

I hope you guys aren’t going to be disappointed by the end of this adventure. It seems to me “Spore Protocol” could just as easily be, you know, a type of fungicide, or something like that. Don’t expect too much. You’re getting the kid’s hopes up, Director.

ARMOURY

Squealing metal as more misfire crew members force open a door. They grunt as they walk awkwardly through.

CREW MEMBER 3

(grunts)

Me—I found one of them in the hall! Look.

A click as he operates a gun.

CREW MEMBER 4

Oh!

CREW MEMBER 3

Shiny. Kill ray.

CREW MEMBER 4

Shoot… shoot.

CREW MEMBER 5

Gun.

CREW MEMBER 3

Gun…

He forces open another metal door.

CREW MEMBER 3

Many more in cabinet!

CREW MEMBER 4

(grunts)

Ours.

CREW MEMBER 3

Ours.

CREW MEMBER 4

Ours.

CREW MEMBER 5

Helmet, head.

He pulls out a helmet.

CREW MEMBER 3

Helmets. Helmets! Arrrr… mour. Armour!

The three start to pull out more gear from the cabinet.

CREW MEMBER 4

More ar-mour!

CREW MEMBER 5

More arms!

Footsteps approach from the corridor outside.

CREW MEMBER 3

Look. Look!

CREW MEMBER 4

It move.

CREW MEMBER 3

Guh!

BEATRICE

(to herself)

Oh god.

(aloud)

No, no, no, it’s fine, everyone. It’s… it’s Director Brass!

CREW MEMBER 3

(agitated)

Has gun!

BEATRICE

No no no no, no. I’ll—I’ll put this down. I’ll put this down. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.

She crouches and puts her gun down on the floor.

CREW MEMBER 5

Brass.

BEATRICE

Gentlemen, let’s all just—you remember me? It’s Director Brass! Remember me? It’s fine…

CREW MEMBER 3

Shot… Jeffries!

BEATRICE

No, no!

I… I mean I did, but it was for his own good. I…

CREW MEMBER 4

Where is Anderson?

CREW MEMBER 5

Wherrre?

BEATRICE

Gentlemen, look at yourselves. This is not how this is supposed to be. We can start over!

CREW MEMBER 5

Her fault.

CREW MEMBER 3

Use her—get us out.

They advance, and Beatrice takes a step back.

BEATRICE

No no no, no, please back away, you know, I just want to get to—I just want to get to the armoury, okay?

CREW MEMBER 3

Armour. Ours.

CREW MEMBER 4

Guns.

He cocks his gun.

CREW MEMBER 3

Ours!

CREW MEMBER 5

Helmet.

CREW MEMBER 3

Ours!

BEATRICE

No! No! Stay back!

She lunges and grabs her gun.

CREW MEMBER 3

Augh! She got gun! Run!

Beatrice screams as she begins shooting. Wet, messy sounds as the three crew members collapse to the floor.

Beatrice stands, breathing heavily.

CREW MEMBER 5

Why…?

BEATRICE

(softly)

I’m sorry…

CREW MEMBER 5

It hurts.

BEATRICE

I’m sorry!

The crew member cries out and slumps. Beatrice shouts in frustration and horror and throws the gun away.

BEATRICE

Okay, just got to get to—Her communicator starts to beep.

BEATRICE

What? Shh! Shhh!

She slaps it and pushes buttons frantically.

BEATRICE

No no no no, no no, stop. Stop! Why are you beeping? What is going on?

From the hall, slurring voices as more disfigured crew members approach.

BEATRICE

Turn this off, turn this off… oh my god. Take it off! Argh!

She stomps on the communicator until it stops beeping.

BEATRICE

What did Alberta…?

CREW MEMBER 6

Ungh? Something make sound over here.

CREW MEMBER 7

Beep beep. Beep beep…

Beatrice turns and runs for her life.

BEATRICE

Oh god. Come on. Just go! A few more rows…

THE OTHERS

The distant beeping of Beatrice’s communicator. Robert, Barty and Alberta run towards it.

ROBERT

Ah, Alberta, it’s working. I hear the beeping! It’s not behind the big door, it’s down this hall. Come on. Do you hear it, Barty?

BARTY

Yeah, yeah, I’m with you. I hear it.

The beeping stops suddenly.

ROBERT

Wha—it just stopped? Alberta, make it go again!

Alberta punches buttons on his own device.

ALBERTA

Okay. Well, all I can do is press the button. The rest is in technology’s hands.

ROBERT

Well, press the button, Alberta.

ALBERTA

I’ve pressed it many times, and I’m pressing it now.

ROBERT

But I’m not—I’m not hearing it—

ALBERTA

That either means that it broke—something I made broke for one of the first times in my life—or that the person wearing it, um… isn’t needing it anymore.

ROBERT

What? Wait, wait, was that a euphemism?

ALBERTA

Uh. Explain what that means to me and I’ll tell you if Beatrice is dead or not.

ROBERT

That’s what I was trying to imply without saying “dead”.

Oh my god. Oh, no. What if—Barty, help me here? What if we—no, no. We couldn’t have just killed—Barty takes off at a run.

BARTY

(shouts)

Let’s go!

BEATRICE

Panting, Beatrice sprints along a corridor with more zombie-like crew members in pursuit.

She presses a button, and a heavy motorized door begins to rise. As soon as she’s through, she hammers on a button on the other side, and the door begins to shut again.

BEATRICE

Close, close, close!

It slams shut at last, sealing her in the room. She stands for a moment, catching her breath, and hits a light switch.

BEATRICE

Oh god…

At least the lights in here still work. Okay. Okay.

She walks forward, looking around, nearly bursting into sobbing and laughing at the same time.

BEATRICE

Okay, I’m inside. I’m inside. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine…

A chime sounds, and a computer terminal lights up.

COMPUTER

Welcome to the armoury. Please state rank and code.

BEATRICE

This is Director Beatrice Brass! Okay, just show me—open one of the suits, open one of the suits please just open one of the suits.

COMPUTER

I’m sorry—Director Brass—I am sensing high levels of stress.

BEATRICE

(humourless laughter)

Oh yeah? You think!? It’s probably because I just outran 45 goddamn old members of my group that I had to mercilessly kill because they were disfigured and in agony! But sure, I got here. I freakin’ crawled my way to this place to get one of these damn suits to continue killing the mounds and hordes of my ex-crew members! So if I could just have access to one suit, please, to one suit so I can get in and finish the carnage that I have begun, and get back to the party!

(she breaks out in hysterical laughter)

Beep.

COMPUTER

Request… denied.

BEATRICE

My rank is Director Beatrice Brianna Brass! And I just need to get—”Sleep, perchance to dream.” Do you need my password?! Okay! “Sleep, perchance to dream.” Because that’s what this was all supposed to be, is a goddamn dream! You die? Don’t worry, you fall asleep. It’s like you fall asleep and you wake up in a pod and you come out and you’re just your plain old self except too bad, Daniels because now you have three legs and no mouth with which to scream! No, it’s fine. Sleep perchance to dream! Sleep perchance to god damn dream!

COMPUTER

Authorizing…

Authorizing…

Authorization… accepted.

BEATRICE

(bitter and still frantic)

Okay, great! Thank you! Thank you so much.

A door rolls open and she walks through.

BEATRICE

Okay, come on, Beatrice. Just get in. Everything’s going to be fine…

She climbs into one of the suits of mechanized armour. Clunks and whirs as it activates.

BEATRICE

Okay. In the suit, enter the code, enter the code. What’s your code? Okay—

She punches it in on a keypad.

COMPUTER

Transferring you to suit AI in 5… 4… 3…

The computer voice fades as the armour shuts around Beatrice.

A familiar electronic chime sounds as the suit starts up.

SUIT

Hello, Director Brass.

Would you like to hear a joke?

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN HOWARD

Super fun, guys.

PHIL JOHNSTON

Yeah. Gross.

KRISTI BOULTON

Thanks Phil!

SEAN HOWARD

And Phil didn’t have to do a B&E in order to record today!

KRISTI BOULTON

Wooo!

PHIL JOHNSTON

I didn’t do any crimes today.

SEAN HOWARD

What?! Come on!