309: Hallowmass

While the base crew celebrates a new amalgamated holiday, Beatrice discovers that their scientific research has gone terribly wrong.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.

Content warning: body horror, death, gore, murder, mercy killing and awkward holidays.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

THE LOUNGE

A lively party. Rock music plays in the background.

BEATRICE

Well, Director, I have to hand it to you, sir. It was a great idea to throw a party that celebrates all the major holidays at once.

ROBERT

Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. Well, I had a lot of time since you know, we canceled Game Night…

BEATRICE

(quiet)

We don’t need to talk about Game Nights.

ROBERT

Right. Yeah. Well, I’ve just sort of been planning this and I thought, you know, do them all at once, make a new tradition on this planet.

BEATRICE

I think it’s a great idea! I mean, I know we’ve all been pretty busy dealing with everything that’s been going on. And it’s been easy to forget to celebrate the small stuff. But Hallowmass is a great idea.

ROBERT

Thank you. Thank you. Still trying to decide though about whether, you know… cookies or candy bars for the main table.

Alberta has been hunting through a pile of presents.

ALBERTA

Director, I’m confused. So some of the presents are treats.

ROBERT

Yes.

ALBERTA

But then some of the presents that you open are tricks?

BEATRICE

Yeah, like a whipped cream hand to the face.

ALBERTA

Yeah, yeah, I opened up a bunch of mousetraps. And then there was—I also opened up a live lobster that pinched my nose. Did you wrap any treats?

ROBERT

Well, I was having so much fun, you know, coming up with all the tricks. I’m pretty sure I had a couple in here that were—but you know, you lose track after a while. I should have written on them.

BEATRICE

Uh, Sir, we can’t have anything that would damage the crew. I’m going to need to take a quick look at all your treats to see if there’s anything else alive in there that might be harmful.

ROBERT

Sure. Yeah. Whatever you do, don’t open that big one that says “Director Brass” on it. It’s a surprise.

Beatrice picks up a present. There’s a soft scuttling noise from within.

BEATRICE

Okay, sir. Why does this one sound like it’s got a spider in it?

The door opens.

BEATRICE

(stiffly)

Mr. Bridges.

ROBERT

Bartholomew! Wait, don’t say anything yet! Your surprise grab bag. Now you have to reach in. Without looking!

Barty reaches in.

BARTY

(sighs)

This is part of the celebration of darkness, is it? What did you land on, 12 Days of Darkness?

There’s a squelching noise from the grab bag.

ROBERT

Oooo. Oh, sticky. And weird! What was it?

BARTY

(not even acknowledging the bag)

Artificial happiness?

ROBERT

I feel like you’re still not over the whole… us temporarily putting Game Night on hold after your, uh, epic evening that you created with your game.

BARTY

I mean, listen. That’s a fine decision. You don’t like fun. That’s fine. And in fact, it sort of makes sense. You don’t like fun; you like pretend, cloying, beat-down-your-door, never-leave-you-alone, fake-holiday-type fun. I can get behind it. That’s fine. Whatever. I’ll be in my room.

He walks back out.

ROBERT

Totally should have gone with the candy bars.

A beeping from Beatrice’s communicator.

BEATRICE

Director Tinsley?

ROBERT

Yes.

BEATRICE

There’s an emergency on Level M, sir.

ROBERT

I thought we didn’t have a Level M.

BEATRICE

Sir. Level M?

I’m going to go deal with it. Sir. If you’ll excuse me…

ROBERT

I’m happy to come with you. I’ve always wanted to know what’s in Level M.

BEATRICE

Don’t you know about this?

ROBERT

Of course I do! I’m Director!…

(whispers)

I don’t have a clue. There’s nothing in the files about Level M. I even had Alberta go through the computer thing. And there’s nothing there either.

ALBERTA

Yeah, I went through the whole computer thing. There’s nothing.

ROBERT

(startled)

Gah! How long were you under the table?

ALBERTA

Oh, the whole time! I’m opening up presents. Trying to find one that has a nice thing in it.

He unwraps another.

ROBERT

I’m sure there’s one somewhere…

BEATRICE

Director Tinsley.

ROBERT

Right. I’ll just come along with you—in case anything goes wrong. Watch your back.

BEATRICE

Um, maybe it’s best you stay here and and… watch Hallowmass. Just please keep all of our crew and guests in the hall.

ROBERT

Of course. I can do that.

BEATRICE

I must insist. Sir.

ROBERT

Right.

BEATRICE

For safety protocol. You keep everyone having fun, in the hall.

ROBERT

Okay. We’ll unwrap more presents in your name.

BEATRICE

Thank you.

ALBERTA

This one’s just filled with beeees!

CORRIDOR

Beatrice catches up with Barty.

BEATRICE

Oh! Mr. Bridges. You should be getting to the mess hall or your room. It’s… of utmost importance that you are not wandering the halls right now. For no particular reason.

BARTY

I was going to my room.

BEATRICE

Okay, please. Why don’t I accompany you to your room? Just to do just to walk you there?

BARTY

Well, hang on, hang on. I was going to my room, and I—

BEATRICE

Okay, let’s walk you there right now.

BARTY

I’d be happy to be in my room. I have no real interest in… celebrations.

But the question is—why do you want me in my room?

BEATRICE

Bartholomew. I need you to go to your room. Now.

BARTY

You know what? No, I understand. I understand. I’m on my way.

BEATRICE

Barty. This is not the time. Please. Go to your room. Do not question me on this, for once. Please listen to me. Go to your room.

BARTY

All right, mom.

He walks off.

BARTY’S ROOM

A crackle of static. Robert’s voice comes on the communicator, live from the party in the mess hall.

ROBERT

(over intercom)

Oh, Dr. Bri—whoa! Whoa! Agh! Bees!

Dr. Bridges, please come in.

BARTY

Yeah. Hey, Director, how you doing? Ah, listen, I just wanted to say—ROBERT

(over intercom)

Ooh, ow ow ow! Yeah. Sorry. Dr. Bridges. We need you in the main hall.

BARTY

I mean, I was just, I was just sent to my room. Uh, Beatrice—

ROBERT

(over intercom)

No, I didn’t send you your room. You left here. I need you back in the main hall. There’s been an emergency communique—whoa, bees!—It just came in for you.

BARTY

See, Director, I’m literally getting mixed messages, you see. Because I was just sent to my room by Beatrice, like she was an authoritarian maternal figure. Um, it was quite demeaning. And I was going to go to my room and sulk. But now you’re telling me I’m back in the main hall?

Silence.

ROBERT

(over intercom)

Oh, sorry. Dr. Bridges. I guess I punched the thing off. Were you saying you’re on your way?

BARTY

(resigned)

I… yeah, that’s what I was saying.

ROBERT

(over intercom)

Oh, and if you have a bee suit, maybe bring it.

ALBERTA

(over intercom)

Or a flower!

ROBERT

(over intercom)

Yeah. No reason!

LEVEL M

A door slides open. Beatrice walks through and punches a code on a keypad. A beep, and another heavier door slides open.

BRENDA

(over an intercom; fussy, nervous)

Final check. Uh… name?

BEATRICE

Director Beatrice Brianna Brass.

BRENDA

(over the intercom)

How do I how do I know it’s you, Director?

BEATRICE

“To sleep, perchance to dream.”

A confirmation beep.

BRENDA

(over the intercom)

Yep.

It’s crazy we have to do this every time. Opening the door!

A third door rolls open, and Beatrice walks through to see Brenda.

BEATRICE

Thank you, Brenda.

BRENDA

Thank you for coming down so quickly.

BEATRICE

What seems to be the situation, Brenda?

BRENDA

Some of the recent… attempts have worked. Sort of, but not well.

BEATRICE

(exhales)

BRENDA

They’re a little disfigured, and sort of look like out of a horror movie, kinda… I’ve managed to secure them in the lab, B section.

BEATRICE

They’re secured?

BRENDA

Well, yeah. But they seem to almost be working together. I can’t tell for sure as I can’t hear any audio from the room right now. Trying to fix that. But they seem to be working together to try and get out. I’ve never seen that kind of behavior in the… misfires.

BEATRICE

Okay. Why don’t you seal the doors after me?

She draws a weapon and cocks it, and heads for the inner door.

BRENDA

Yeah. All right. Sealing all doors.

She punches a button, and the door shuts and locks behind Beatrice.

BEATRICE

(over communicator)

Don’t let anyone in after me.

BRENDA

Of course not, Director Brass.

MESS HALL

The party is still going on. Buzzing sounds.

ALBERTA

Okay, I’ve earned their respect, I think.

ROBERT

(panting)

It was a really smart idea to use the sweetener, I must say, Alberta. Quick thinking.

The door opens again and Barty enters.

ROBERT

Oh, here’s our engineer, haha. Good to see you, Barty.

BARTY

Good to see you, too, Director. I gotta say, I’m not normally the “holiday party” kind of guy. I think the bees really spruce it up.

ROBERT

I feel you’re being facetious. I can never tell with you, Barty.

BARTY

No, I like the bees. That’s what I’m saying. They’re excellent.

ROBERT

Oh! Well, there’s there’s more if you open some more… haha, well, maybe we shouldn’t.

ALBERTA

Why? Why is there more bees? Come on!

(sighs)

ROBERT

I was running out of ideas in the “trick” department.

BARTY

I’m just saying, a little bit of fear makes a person really want to live, you know? So everyone’s really going at the party. It’s not perfunctory. You know, everyone’s really having a time.

ROBERT

And we never opened the scorpions. So you know, it’s all good. You wouldn’t happen to have bumped into our Head of Security?

BARTY

Well, I did. In fact, that’s what I was trying to tell you; mixed messages. She sent me to my room; odd maternal figure. Then you sent me to the mess hall; go to the party, you say.

ROBERT

Well, we did want you at the party, it’s, you know, morale lifting.

BARTY

Well, but you see, you wanted me at the party. She wanted me in my room; that’s not what I mean by that. She just wanted me to go to my room.

I can tell I’m in demand. I just can’t tell why.

ALBERTA

Wait—Beatrice is going somewhere super secret to do something probably awesome? And not one of us is going to follow her?

LEVEL M

Beatrice tiptoes through the lab.

BEATRICE

(tense breathing)

Okay, quiet, quiet.

The distant sound of a door.

BEATRICE

(startled gasp)

(to herself)

Ok, ok Beatrice. C’mon, pull it together.

Somewhere, closer by, something made of glass shatters on the floor. Beatrice jumps.

She collects herself and starts to walk forward—but is interrupted by her communicator.

BARTY

(over communicator)

Hey, Beatrice, it’s Barty…

BEATRICE

(whispering)

No, stop stop stop!

She stabs frantically at her communicator buttons.

BARTY

(over communicator)

I just want to say—I was heading to my room…

BEATRICE

(whispering)

God, how do you turn this thing off?!

BARTY

(over communicator)

But then, you know, the Director, he said I should come to the party, and I did that and—I’m actually sort of having a good time—

BEATRICE

(whispering)

Volume! Where’s the volume?

BARTY

(over communicator)

And I just wanted to say, if you were just sending us all off so that you could be on your own, and like, brooding over the holidays…

BEATRICE

(whispering)

I should have listened when Alberta was explaining this. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

BARTY

(over communicator)

…maybe that’s just not such a good idea. We’d really like to have you here. So, you know, why don’t you come to the party. I’m sure whatever you’re doing is not as important or as fun as this. It’d be good to see you.

ROBERT

(over communicator, in the background)

Hey, Barty! What are you doing over there? I’m about to start with opening the big packages!

BEATRICE

(still pressing buttons)

Stop it!

BARTY

(off)

All right, I’m coming, Director! I’m coming—

(into communicator)

Okay, bye, Beatrice.

His voice cuts out.

BEATRICE

(whispering)

Oh no, no, no, no.

BRENDA

(over communicator)

Director. Sorry, I just thought you should know. There’s been a breach in Pod Room C.

BEATRICE

(whispering)

What do you mean, there’s been a breach in pod room C!?

BRENDA

(over )

Well, just what I said. There’s been a breach in pod room C, which is, I think, connected to the hallway that you’re in…

The sound of heavy breathing from ahead.

BEATRICE

(whispering)

Oh my god. Is that Anderson!?

MESS HALL

The party continues.

ALBERTA

Okay, guys, it’s pretty simple. Those communicators I gave you? They’re basically just giant trackers. So I know where everyone goes all the time.

ROBERT

Okay, wait, wait—

Alberta pushes some buttons on a computer terminal.

ALBERTA

So if we can just pull up the 3D map of the base, we’ll just be able to know where Beatrice is.

ROBERT

Okay, now hold it. Slow down, Alberta. Ooo, had a little bit too much of that eggnog. Maybe I shouldn’t have mixed it with—

ALBERTA

And too much, maybe, of being stung by bees.

ROBERT

That too—you are swelling up a little. Just back up. The communicators… so those are the things on our wrists. Yes?

ALBERTA

Yes.

ROBERT

Yes. Okay. And those are tracking devices.

ALBERTA

Essentially. That’s pretty much all they’re good for.

They also do work as communicators.

ROBERT

Oh, okay, good. Okay, good. So—

ALBERTA

Like, I couldn’t convince you guys to wear giant trackers on your wrist, so…

ROBERT

Right. Um, I have a few follow up questions, but for now, I think we can cut to the salient point, which is—you know where Beatrice is?

ALBERTA

Yeah, I know where all of you guys are all the time!

ROBERT

Oh, but not when, like, when I…

ALBERTA

No, I know exactly where you go. To do that.

ROBERT

Oh.

LEVEL M

Beatrice walks forward toward “Anderson.”

BEATRICE

Anderson?

ANDERSON

(indistinct mumbling sounds)

Wurhhh?

BEATRICE

Oh, God. Oh, I’m so sorry.

ANDERSON

(sluggish, bubbling voice)

D… Directorrrr…

BEATRICE

What…? Oh my god, I’m so sorry…

ANDERSON

(more bubbling and snuffling sounds that could be words)

Are you… are you here for meeee…

BEATRICE

(whispering)

Oh god, why does it keep happening this way? What are we doing wrong? Anderson, I’m so sorry…

ANDERSON

Wrrrrh?

BEATRICE

We’ll try again. Okay? We’ll try again. It’ll be different next time. I promise. It… it won’t hurt so much.

She draws her gun and powers it up.

ANDERSON

Oorh?

BEATRICE

I’m so sorry.

She fires.

MESS HALL

Robert is shouting over the music.

ROBERT

Okay, you all stay here! There’s more presents. Don’t open the little ones that have scurrying sounds in them. Just, okay. All right. We’ll be back.

Okay! No, no, all good. I will pin the tail on the holiday rat when I’m back. Okay! Ha ha.

He makes an awkward exit with Barty and Alberta, and the door closes behind them.

ROBERT

Okay, Alberta, you’re in lead position, scout! Barty, you take up the rear. We’re all in this together. Right?

ALBERTA

Nice. Okay.

BARTY

It’s weird as far as party activities go, but yeah, I’m here.

The three of them get into an elevator. The door shuts.

ROBERT

Okay. Alberta, take us to Level M.

ALBERTA

Okay.

Alberta pries a panel off the elevator wall and begins rooting around inside.

ROBERT

I don’t know if you should be doing that. Um…

ALBERTA

I just take this wire and I take this wire and I make them friends, make them hug… and then this wire’s not going to be friends anymore. And then—He crimps the wires.

BARTY

Oh, and don’t forget the bunny ears.

ALBERTA

Oh, thank you. Now, just tie the bunny ears…

The door slides open again. Robert hastily pushes the Close Doors button.

ROBERT

Ah! Johnson! Uh, nothing to see here. Johnson. I think you just need to go back in the main hall. We’ll see you in a second!

The doors shut again.

ROBERT

(to Alberta)

Hurry up!

ALBERTA

Three ears… There we go. Okay, good. Now…

He pushes a button. There’s a zap of electricity and the elevator begins to descend.

ROBERT

Oh! We’re moving! Oh, here it goes. Oh, going down to F… G… H…

BARTY

Guys, if Beatrice wants to be alone on the holidays, why should we really be bothering her? You know?

ROBERT

I… J… K…

It’s a top secret floor that doesn’t exist in the base!

ALBERTA

The holidays are a time to be with your family and you guys are the only family I have here!

The elevator stops, and the doors slide open.

LEVEL M

BEATRICE

(into her communicator)

Brenda, come in.

BRENDA

(on communicator)

I’m here, Director!

BEATRICE

(into communicator)

Alright, it looks like something went wrong with this last batch. I’ve taken out five but I found Johnson gnawing on the electrical wires, and it looks like it’s knocked out power for the floor… I don’t know how many of the pods have opened—

Over the communicator, the sound of gurgling, zombie-like voices.

BRENDA

(over communicator)

—the floor! They’re in the floor!

Oh my god. They’re here too!

BEATRICE

(into communicator)

No, Brenda!

BRENDA

(over communicator)

They’re coming up out of the floor!

Snarls and growls from the communicator.

BEATRICE

(into communicator)

Brenda, close the doors!

BRENDA

(over communicator)

They’re coming up out of the floor!

(screams)

Static.

BEATRICE

Brenda, no!

Brenda!

Silence.

BEATRICE

Brenda?

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Nicole Passmore.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

OUTTAKE

SEAN HOWARD

(laughs)

KRISTI BOULTON

It’s a Halloween Christmas party. You’re at a Halloween Christmas party.

(pretend snark)

If you want, I can start. I can start and then I’ll just leave. Bleah, bleah.

SEAN HOWARD

You can! You can start your idea. You could open with your idea and storm out.

KRISTI BOULTON

Fine!

SEAN HOWARD

Okay.

KRISTI BOULTON

(mutters)

God! Shut him uuup.

Laughter.