NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

ALBERTA

I think this one still has all of its pieces.

ROBERT

Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

ALBERTA

I think…

ROBERT

Oh, is that Sorry? One of my favorites. You know, the old days? Oh, no, it’s, it’s Risk. Um, I don’t know if we should play Risk, Alberta. It doesn’t always bring out the best in people.

ALBERTA

Well, it has pieces from a lot of different games. It’s kind of stitched together. We’ll figure it out though. It should be fine.

ROBERT

What I’m saying though, Alberta… it’s not the pieces. It’s that that game is, well, sort of evil. It basically just makes people hate each other.

ALBERTA

It’s a piece of cardboard and little molded plastic men.

BEATRICE

Well, you know, why don’t we just play this? Why don’t we just play it Scrabble?

ROBERT

Well, okay.

BEATRICE

We just need letters, and some level of intelligence with words to play.

ROBERT

Yeah. I have no objections to Scrabble.

ALBERTA

I can’t spell.

BARTY

Alberta can’t spell…

ROBERT

How can Alberta be head of tech and programming if Alberta can’t spell? That makes no sense.

BARTY

Backburner, Director. Alberta can’t spell for one reason or another; The director thinks the game of Risk is evil;

ROBERT

Is the dnvention of yours Scrabble? Because I sort of like things ordered like Scrabble. It’s a great game.

BARTY

Scrabble’s featured. I take all of the best elements from all of the best games and put them into one most amazing gamin… experience that you can possibly imagine.

BEATRICE

I don’t want to play.

ROBERT

ALBERTA

This game looks weird. Why is it so—there’s so much water

BEATRICE

(sighs)

involved?

BARTY

Only in the Battleship aspects.

ROBERT

These are my new shoes! I wore these new shoes today.

BARTY

Battleship is only fun if it’s authentic.

ROBERT

Okay, can we not turn the table into an ocean? Please put that away.

I hate to crush your creativity here, Dr. Bridges, but I think we just stick with a standard game. The whole table agrees. You with me?

BARTY

Not at all.

BEATRICE

I hate to go against your orders, Director. But maybe it might be… fun to try something new.

ROBERT

What? Wait, I thought you were—I thought we were on the same thing here. We’re gonna, you know, with the words and the letters? And the little, the little score pad?

BEATRICE

I know, I know, but—ALBERTA

I also think we should play this game because we’re fighting and this is just like when I was growing up, before my parents sent me to boarding school. So let’s just move past it and play something.

BEATRICE

I don’t know, maybe… let’s give it a chance. At least I mean, I know I said no at first, but I will admit that Dr. Bridges’s ideas aren’t always terrible.

BARTY

Ah! Well. Director, that’s a ringing endorsement from Beatrice.

BEATRICE

I mean, we all know how much he loves games.

ALBERTA

And also it seems that it’s actually bolted to the table.

ROBERT

Okay, but can we do anything about the waterfall? My suit pants are all wet now.

BARTY

If you want me to turn off the realism aspects I can, but I’ll tell you the Battleship portion is not nearly as good without it.

ROBERT

I’d prefer to not have to wear a bathing suit. Thank you, Dr. Bridges.

BEATRICE

All right. Walk us through. Walk us through.

BARTY

All right. Well, first and foremost, we must decide upon… the Bartopoly Adjudicator—call it!

ROBERT

Okay, fine. Yeah. None of us know what the rules are. So it’s fine. Just—BARTY

And that’s how the game begins. Director, your turn.

ROBERT

Okay, fine! Right. I’m going to take this ship here that’s now not floating on the table. And I’m going to move it in front of Alberta.

ALBERTA

Whoaaaa, what did I do?

BARTY

I didn’t think you had it in for the kid that way, Director.

ROBERT

I don’t know what I’m doing. I just randomly moved something.

BARTY

No, it was tough, but fair. Like your leadership style.

ROBERT

Oh. Well. Yes, I do feel like I make quick decisions when needed…

ALBERTA

Okay. I’m gonna roll…

ROBERT

Wait, my turn’s over?

BARTY

Duh.

ROBERT

Oh, okay.

ALBERTA

I’m gonna roll a die. I got a six!

BARTY

Oh!

(chortles, then laughs evilly)

ROBERT

(joins in laughing)

Ha! Rookie mistake!

BARTY

Oh, sorry, Beatrice. You didn’t get your evil laugh bonus.

BEATRICE

Oh, um… hahahaha! Haaa. Ah.

BARTY

It’s obviously too late.

BEATRICE

Oh, well…

ROBERT

It was not bad as a laugh, but I think if you put a little more into it…

BEATRICE

Is it my turn?

ROBERT

Well, if we’re going around the table, I think it would be—

ALBERTA

I rolled a six. So it’s your turn.

BARTY

Now, it’s time to declare.

BEATRICE

Declare what?

BARTY

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? I’m just the Adjudicator.

BEATRICE

Okay. I declare that… I win.

BARTY

What?

ALBERTA

Whoa, what?

ROBERT

Wow.

BEATRICE

Yeah! I declare I win. If I’m being asked what I want to declare, I’m declaring that I win the game.

ALBERTA

Genius move!

ROBERT

Okay, great. So Scrabble, anyone?

BARTY

I mean, Beatrice, I didn’t think you had it in you! That was a bold move. I mean, unfortunately, it’s relegated you to the Lost Zone, but I admire your spirit!

BEATRICE

The lost zone?

BARTY

The Lost Zone!

BEATRICE

What is the lost zone?

BARTY

You’re acting like you’ve never played Bartopoly before.

BEATRICE

I’ve never played Bartopoly before! I gave this a chance. This is the—Bartholomew!

ROBERT

Lost was actually, I think it was the 1980s, 1990s; ancient history! It was a TV show that I think ran for way more seasons than it should have. Um. Sorry.

BEATRICE

We’re not playing Trivial Pursuit.

ROBERT

Yeah, no, sadly, we’re not.

BEATRICE

Unless that’s part of this. Should I pick up this card? I don’t know.

BARTY

It’s time for the Truth or Dare portion of Bartopoly!

ROBERT

The game’s not over?

BARTY

Oh, it’s at minimum a 25-part game.

ROBERT

Ah. Of course it is.

BEATRICE

So who picks? Who picks Truth or Dare?

BARTY

Well, Beatrice, as the one to ask the question, you’re the one who asks the question!

BEATRICE

But I’m in the Lost Zone. I don’t understand.

BARTY

Don’t worry. We’ll be able to hear you.

ROBERT

This game is feeling a lot like my childhood and Risk. Maybe we should pause this game Bartholomew and we can move on to something else. You know, like—

BEATRICE

No, sir. It’s okay. Bartholomew. Truth or dare?

BARTY

I see what you’re trying to do. Oh, I’m not gonna fall for your trap.

BEATRICE

Truth or dare, Bartholomew?

BARTY

Truth.

BEATRICE

Okay… truth.

ROBERT

I think this is generally where you then ask a question that he has to answer truthfully—

BEATRICE

I know but I’m trying to; I’m trying to think my way around your thinking.

Tell us the truth of how you became the engineer on this mission.

BARTY

I was hired.

BEATRICE

(sighs)

ROBERT

Well, technically, that’s true. By technicality, though, you have to admit, Bartholomew.

ALBERTA

Yeah. And technicalities don’t count in Bartopoly.

ROBERT

Well, I mean, I shouldn’t expose your personnel file or anything, but you know, we are in the game, and in my drive to conquer you all and win; technically you were hired… but—BARTY

Director, is this really when you want to play your expansion Truth modifier?

ROBERT

Oh, yes, it is, then. How many points does that give me?

BARTY

As if you don’t know.

ROBERT

Well I don’t know, because you haven’t explained any of the rules. You may not be aware, but Bartholomew was—sorry, Barty—was not the engineer originally hired. The engineer originally hired died in mysterious circumstances.

BEATRICE

What?

ALBERTA

What?

BARTY

Don’t worry about her, everyone.

BEATRICE

Her?

ROBERT

Yes. Bartholomew’s ex.

(silence)

Right, I think I get the points there. Ah, Alberta. I think you’re next.

BEATRICE

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bartholomew’s ex?

ALBERTA

Ex what?

BEATRICE

Was the original engineer?

ROBERT

I think it’s your turn, Alberta. Here.

(whispers)

Yeah, you can move the Battleship. I recommend that move.

ALBERTA

No, I’m gonna let this silence linger while we all deal with this information.

BARTY

Guys, we’re playing Bartopoly! Don’t worry about her. Jennifer’s irrelevant to this.

ROBERT

An amazing engineer according to her file. Okay. Can I go if someone doesn’t take their turn?

BEATRICE

I’m gonna play my truth expansion… expander, whatever. I’m declaring that I want to know more about this, Jennifer.

BARTY

I put up my +9 Emotional Blockade.

BEATRICE

I fight it with my, um… Emotional Truth Sword.

BARTY

I… counter with a Shield of Dismay!

ALBERTA

Ohhh.

BEATRICE

And I battle that with a Lightning Bolt of Charged… Understanding.

ALBERTA

When were you guys getting all these cards?

ROBERT

Hey, Alberta. What do you think about a game of Scrabble? They’re probably going to be at this a while.

ALBERTA

I’m very emotionally overwhelmed right now.

BEATRICE

-and I follow up with a hit of Suppression Release Toxins.

BARTY

(mock coughing)

As I cough through the toxins, I look at you with my What-do-you-care Stare.

BEATRICE

And I reflect it back with my Glasses of It Would Be Nice To Know You A Little Better So I Could Understand Where You’re Coming From And Why You Get So Defensive About Everything That Has To Do With Anything But Work!

ROBERT

Hey, Alberta, here’s the bag, pick your pieces.

ALBERTA

Okay, I’m in now. Now I’m in. This is getting weird.

BARTY

So what do you want? There’s nothing to tell. I’m an engineer. I know other engineers.

BEATRICE

I know, but you’re more than an engineer. I mean, all you ever do is sarcasm and frustration so it would, you know, deflect, deflect, deflect. It would be nice to, you know, I don’t know, hear that you have a bit of a soul?

BARTY

Sarcasm and frustration… I’m pretty funny too.

ROBERT

Alberta you wouldn’t happen to need a zed, or a zee, would you? I I’ve got all these…

BEATRICE

Sure, I mean, yeah, you’re funny. But I mean, in a “I don’t want to open up at all and I’m just going to be closed off and make fun of you until you hate me a little bit” kind of way.

BARTY

Yeah! Funny.

ALBERTA

Okay, I have CHEERS.

ROBERT

Oh, that’s pretty good. Um, oh, Alberta. Can you make note that once we’re done—once they’re done with this game, we should add this one to the Risk pile.

BEATRICE

Fine, if you don’t want to share, then don’t! I’ll just roll the dice. I’ll just roll the dice on Bartopoly, and we’ll go to the next move.

(over Barty’s objections)

Oh, look, I rolled a… strange shape of ocean waves.

BARTY

It’s a much better effect with the water. Look—ALBERTA

AVOIDANCE.

ROBERT

You have “avoidance”? I think I have most of ZEBRA…

BARTY

Look. I… Jennifer—Dr. Howell was an engineer that I knew back on Earth. We encountered each other at some conferences. We knew each other in various ways. And then we stopped.

BEATRICE

But how did you-? I mean, if she was supposed to be on board, how did you take her place?

ROBERT

For someone who can’t spell, how are you getting all these words, Alberta?

ALBERTA

You have to play off the ones that I put down. You can’t put them wherever you want.

ROBERT

Oh.

BARTY

(sighs)

She was no longer in a position to come on board.

BEATRICE

Well, from what our director says it sounds like she was in a dead position.

BARTY

And I was no longer in a position where I wanted to stay on Earth. Are you happy?

ROBERT

Oh, look at the time! Anyone for tea? Tea?

BEATRICE

Well, it’s not like you’re the only person who lost someone that made them want to leave.

ROBERT

I’ll, I’ll go put the tea on.

ALBERTA

And I’ll just watch still.

BARTY

What do you want from me? It’s not like I played a Pity Party card. You’re the one who was putting up all of the blockades and the shields and the attacks of “open yourself up”. You learned the game very quickly, by the way.

BEATRICE

Yeah, but we’re not talking about me. Because you don’t tend to like to listen when I talk about me. So let’s talk about you.

BARTY

What, are you saying there’s something you want to say about you?

BEATRICE

No. Not now, no, no.

BARTY

It sort of sounded like that’s what you were saying.

BEATRICE

I don’t feel like sharing. And I’m already a +17 on my Barriers for my health.

ALBERTA

What? You guys have leveled up?

ROBERT

Tea’s ready!… Wow. Game Night sure is fun, huh? Morale… booster.

BEATRICE

Well, you’re so open, you might as well work in Human Resources. I’m sure everyone would come to you for help.

BARTY

Haha. Pffft… Human Resources.

BEATRICE

It’s a good joke.

ROBERT

Cookie? Anyone?

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Nicole Passmore.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

(laughs and coughs)

Sorry, sorry—

(coughs violently)

KRISTI BOULTON

(dryly)

Bartholomew is dying because I beat him.

I’ve taken away his will to live, which was to beat me.

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

(deep breaths)

KRISTI BOULTON

Suck it, bitch.

SEAN HOWARD

There’s our outtake.