The crew take a break to play some board games.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: truth… and board games.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
THE LOUNGE
Alberta rummages through a stack of board game boxes.
ALBERTA
I think this one still has all of its pieces.
ROBERT
Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
ALBERTA
I think…
ROBERT
Oh, is that Sorry? One of my favorites. You know, the old days? Oh, no, it’s, it’s Risk. Um, I don’t know if we should play Risk, Alberta. It doesn’t always bring out the best in people.
ALBERTA
Well, it has pieces from a lot of different games. It’s kind of stitched together. We’ll figure it out though. It should be fine.
ROBERT
What I’m saying though, Alberta… it’s not the pieces. It’s that that game is, well, sort of evil. It basically just makes people hate each other.
ALBERTA
It’s a piece of cardboard and little molded plastic men.
Beatrice walks up with another box.
BEATRICE
Well, you know, why don’t we just play this? Why don’t we just play it Scrabble?
ROBERT
Well, okay.
She opens the box.
BEATRICE
We just need letters, and some level of intelligence with words to play.
ROBERT
Yeah. I have no objections to Scrabble.
ALBERTA
I can’t spell.
BARTY
Alberta can’t spell…
ROBERT
How can Alberta be head of tech and programming if Alberta can’t spell? That makes no sense.
BARTY
Backburner, Director. Alberta can’t spell for one reason or another; The director thinks the game of Risk is evil;
ROBERT—It is actually evil.
dARTY
How about… we play an invention of mine?
Barty takes centre stage.
ROBERT
Is the dnvention of yours Scrabble? Because I sort of like things ordered like Scrabble. It’s a great game.
BARTY
Scrabble’s featured. I take all of the best elements from all of the best games and put them into one most amazing gamin… experience that you can possibly imagine.
Silence.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold—Bartopoly!
He whisks aside a sheet to reveal the game, and switches it on. A small pump whirs, powering a fountain—
BEATRICE
I don’t want to play.
ROBERT
I don’t know. I’m out.
ALBERTA
This game looks weird. Why is it so—there’s so much water
BEATRICE
(sighs)
involved?
BARTY
Only in the Battleship aspects.
ROBERT
These are my new shoes! I wore these new shoes today.
BARTY
Battleship is only fun if it’s authentic.
ROBERT
Okay, can we not turn the table into an ocean? Please put that away.
I hate to crush your creativity here, Dr. Bridges, but I think we just stick with a standard game. The whole table agrees. You with me?
BARTY
Not at all.
BEATRICE
I hate to go against your orders, Director. But maybe it might be… fun to try something new.
ROBERT
What? Wait, I thought you were—I thought we were on the same thing here. We’re gonna, you know, with the words and the letters? And the little, the little score pad?
BEATRICE
I know, I know, but—ALBERTA
I also think we should play this game because we’re fighting and this is just like when I was growing up, before my parents sent me to boarding school. So let’s just move past it and play something.
BEATRICE
I don’t know, maybe… let’s give it a chance. At least I mean, I know I said no at first, but I will admit that Dr. Bridges’s ideas aren’t always terrible.
BARTY
Ah! Well. Director, that’s a ringing endorsement from Beatrice.
BEATRICE
I mean, we all know how much he loves games.
ALBERTA
And also it seems that it’s actually bolted to the table.
ROBERT
Okay, but can we do anything about the waterfall? My suit pants are all wet now.
BARTY
If you want me to turn off the realism aspects I can, but I’ll tell you the Battleship portion is not nearly as good without it.
ROBERT
I’d prefer to not have to wear a bathing suit. Thank you, Dr. Bridges.
BEATRICE
All right. Walk us through. Walk us through.
BARTY
All right. Well, first and foremost, we must decide upon… the Bartopoly Adjudicator—call it!
No one else says anything.
ROBERT
Okay, fine. Yeah. None of us know what the rules are. So it’s fine. Just—BARTY
And that’s how the game begins. Director, your turn.
ROBERT
Okay, fine! Right. I’m going to take this ship here that’s now not floating on the table. And I’m going to move it in front of Alberta.
ALBERTA
Whoaaaa, what did I do?
BARTY
I didn’t think you had it in for the kid that way, Director.
ROBERT
I don’t know what I’m doing. I just randomly moved something.
BARTY
No, it was tough, but fair. Like your leadership style.
ROBERT
Oh. Well. Yes, I do feel like I make quick decisions when needed…
ALBERTA
Okay. I’m gonna roll…
ROBERT
Wait, my turn’s over?
BARTY
Duh.
ROBERT
Oh, okay.
ALBERTA
I’m gonna roll a die. I got a six!
BARTY
Oh!
(chortles, then laughs evilly)
ROBERT
(joins in laughing)
Ha! Rookie mistake!
BARTY
Oh, sorry, Beatrice. You didn’t get your evil laugh bonus.
BEATRICE
Oh, um… hahahaha! Haaa. Ah.
BARTY
It’s obviously too late.
BEATRICE
Oh, well…
ROBERT
It was not bad as a laugh, but I think if you put a little more into it…
BEATRICE
Is it my turn?
ROBERT
Well, if we’re going around the table, I think it would be—
ALBERTA
I rolled a six. So it’s your turn.
BARTY
Now, it’s time to declare.
BEATRICE
Declare what?
BARTY
Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? I’m just the Adjudicator.
BEATRICE
Okay. I declare that… I win.
BARTY
What?
ALBERTA
Whoa, what?
ROBERT
Wow.
BEATRICE
Yeah! I declare I win. If I’m being asked what I want to declare, I’m declaring that I win the game.
ALBERTA
Genius move!
ROBERT
Okay, great. So Scrabble, anyone?
BARTY
I mean, Beatrice, I didn’t think you had it in you! That was a bold move. I mean, unfortunately, it’s relegated you to the Lost Zone, but I admire your spirit!
BEATRICE
The lost zone?
BARTY
The Lost Zone!
BEATRICE
What is the lost zone?
BARTY
You’re acting like you’ve never played Bartopoly before.
BEATRICE
I’ve never played Bartopoly before! I gave this a chance. This is the—Bartholomew!
ROBERT
Lost was actually, I think it was the 1980s, 1990s; ancient history! It was a TV show that I think ran for way more seasons than it should have. Um. Sorry.
BEATRICE
We’re not playing Trivial Pursuit.
ROBERT
Yeah, no, sadly, we’re not.
BEATRICE
Unless that’s part of this. Should I pick up this card? I don’t know.
Barty rings a bell.
BARTY
It’s time for the Truth or Dare portion of Bartopoly!
ROBERT
The game’s not over?
BARTY
Oh, it’s at minimum a 25-part game.
ROBERT
Ah. Of course it is.
BEATRICE
So who picks? Who picks Truth or Dare?
BARTY
Well, Beatrice, as the one to ask the question, you’re the one who asks the question!
BEATRICE
But I’m in the Lost Zone. I don’t understand.
BARTY
Don’t worry. We’ll be able to hear you.
ROBERT
This game is feeling a lot like my childhood and Risk. Maybe we should pause this game Bartholomew and we can move on to something else. You know, like—
BEATRICE
No, sir. It’s okay. Bartholomew. Truth or dare?
BARTY
I see what you’re trying to do. Oh, I’m not gonna fall for your trap.
BEATRICE
Truth or dare, Bartholomew?
BARTY
Truth.
BEATRICE
Okay… truth.
Silence.
ROBERT
I think this is generally where you then ask a question that he has to answer truthfully—
BEATRICE
I know but I’m trying to; I’m trying to think my way around your thinking.
Tell us the truth of how you became the engineer on this mission.
BARTY
I was hired.
BEATRICE
(sighs)
ROBERT
Well, technically, that’s true. By technicality, though, you have to admit, Bartholomew.
ALBERTA
Yeah. And technicalities don’t count in Bartopoly.
ROBERT
Well, I mean, I shouldn’t expose your personnel file or anything, but you know, we are in the game, and in my drive to conquer you all and win; technically you were hired… but—BARTY
Director, is this really when you want to play your expansion Truth modifier?
ROBERT
Oh, yes, it is, then. How many points does that give me?
BARTY
As if you don’t know.
ROBERT
Well I don’t know, because you haven’t explained any of the rules. You may not be aware, but Bartholomew was—sorry, Barty—was not the engineer originally hired. The engineer originally hired died in mysterious circumstances.
BEATRICE
What?
ALBERTA
What?
BARTY
Don’t worry about her, everyone.
BEATRICE
Her?
ROBERT
Yes. Bartholomew’s ex.
(silence)
Right, I think I get the points there. Ah, Alberta. I think you’re next.
BEATRICE
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bartholomew’s ex?
ALBERTA
Ex what?
BEATRICE
Was the original engineer?
ROBERT
I think it’s your turn, Alberta. Here.
(whispers)
Yeah, you can move the Battleship. I recommend that move.
No one makes a move.
ALBERTA
No, I’m gonna let this silence linger while we all deal with this information.
BARTY
Guys, we’re playing Bartopoly! Don’t worry about her. Jennifer’s irrelevant to this.
ROBERT
An amazing engineer according to her file. Okay. Can I go if someone doesn’t take their turn?
BEATRICE
I’m gonna play my truth expansion… expander, whatever. I’m declaring that I want to know more about this, Jennifer.
She lays down a card. So does Barty.
BARTY
I put up my +9 Emotional Blockade.
More cards go down.
BEATRICE
I fight it with my, um… Emotional Truth Sword.
BARTY
I… counter with a Shield of Dismay!
ALBERTA
Ohhh.
BEATRICE
And I battle that with a Lightning Bolt of Charged… Understanding.
ALBERTA
When were you guys getting all these cards?
ROBERT
Hey, Alberta. What do you think about a game of Scrabble? They’re probably going to be at this a while.
ALBERTA
I’m very emotionally overwhelmed right now.
BEATRICE
-and I follow up with a hit of Suppression Release Toxins.
BARTY
(mock coughing)
As I cough through the toxins, I look at you with my What-do-you-care Stare.
BEATRICE
And I reflect it back with my Glasses of It Would Be Nice To Know You A Little Better So I Could Understand Where You’re Coming From And Why You Get So Defensive About Everything That Has To Do With Anything But Work!
Robert hands Alberta a bag of Scrabble tiles.
ROBERT
Hey, Alberta, here’s the bag, pick your pieces.
ALBERTA
Okay, I’m in now. Now I’m in. This is getting weird.
BARTY
So what do you want? There’s nothing to tell. I’m an engineer. I know other engineers.
BEATRICE
I know, but you’re more than an engineer. I mean, all you ever do is sarcasm and frustration so it would, you know, deflect, deflect, deflect. It would be nice to, you know, I don’t know, hear that you have a bit of a soul?
BARTY
Sarcasm and frustration… I’m pretty funny too.
ROBERT
Alberta you wouldn’t happen to need a zed, or a zee, would you? I I’ve got all these…
BEATRICE
Sure, I mean, yeah, you’re funny. But I mean, in a “I don’t want to open up at all and I’m just going to be closed off and make fun of you until you hate me a little bit” kind of way.
BARTY
Yeah! Funny.
Alberta lays down a word on the Scrabble board.
ALBERTA
Okay, I have CHEERS.
ROBERT
Oh, that’s pretty good. Um, oh, Alberta. Can you make note that once we’re done—once they’re done with this game, we should add this one to the Risk pile.
BEATRICE
Fine, if you don’t want to share, then don’t! I’ll just roll the dice. I’ll just roll the dice on Bartopoly, and we’ll go to the next move.
(over Barty’s objections)
Oh, look, I rolled a… strange shape of ocean waves.
BARTY
It’s a much better effect with the water. Look—ALBERTA
AVOIDANCE.
ROBERT
You have “avoidance”? I think I have most of ZEBRA…
BARTY
Look. I… Jennifer—Dr. Howell was an engineer that I knew back on Earth. We encountered each other at some conferences. We knew each other in various ways. And then we stopped.
BEATRICE
But how did you-? I mean, if she was supposed to be on board, how did you take her place?
ROBERT
For someone who can’t spell, how are you getting all these words, Alberta?
ALBERTA
You have to play off the ones that I put down. You can’t put them wherever you want.
ROBERT
Oh.
BARTY
(sighs)
She was no longer in a position to come on board.
BEATRICE
Well, from what our director says it sounds like she was in a dead position.
BARTY
And I was no longer in a position where I wanted to stay on Earth. Are you happy?
Robert gets up abruptly.
ROBERT
Oh, look at the time! Anyone for tea? Tea?
BEATRICE
Well, it’s not like you’re the only person who lost someone that made them want to leave.
ROBERT
I’ll, I’ll go put the tea on.
He crosses to the kitchenette and begins pouring.
ALBERTA
And I’ll just watch still.
BARTY
What do you want from me? It’s not like I played a Pity Party card. You’re the one who was putting up all of the blockades and the shields and the attacks of “open yourself up”. You learned the game very quickly, by the way.
BEATRICE
Yeah, but we’re not talking about me. Because you don’t tend to like to listen when I talk about me. So let’s talk about you.
BARTY
What, are you saying there’s something you want to say about you?
BEATRICE
No. Not now, no, no.
BARTY
It sort of sounded like that’s what you were saying.
BEATRICE
I don’t feel like sharing. And I’m already a +17 on my Barriers for my health.
ALBERTA
What? You guys have leveled up?
ROBERT
Tea’s ready!… Wow. Game Night sure is fun, huh? Morale… booster.
BEATRICE
Well, you’re so open, you might as well work in Human Resources. I’m sure everyone would come to you for help.
BARTY
Haha. Pffft… Human Resources.
BEATRICE
It’s a good joke.
ROBERT
Cookie? Anyone?
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Nicole Passmore.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
OUTTAKE
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
(laughs and coughs)
Sorry, sorry—
(coughs violently)
KRISTI BOULTON
(dryly)
Bartholomew is dying because I beat him.
I’ve taken away his will to live, which was to beat me.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
(deep breaths)
KRISTI BOULTON
Suck it, bitch.
Laughter.
SEAN HOWARD
There’s our outtake.