NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

AL

And then after that, pretty much the next six months, nothing really happened. It was just a series of unconnected but semi-interesting or anecdotal moments that isn’t really worth delving into.

BOB

I’m confused. What happened? Like everyone was hurt, and in the infirmary, and…

AL

Well yeah, then there was just a bunch of small moments in our lives that I guess, if you’d like, I could spare the detail towards. But that’s really not anything effectual to the story of… the dying.

BOB

Well, I’m torn. I sort of want to still know why all these people are dead, but now I’m hooked on these characters! Maybe you could just tell a couple of the stories?

AL

Well, there was this moment when Barty found a whole bunch of old tires and built a wagon.

BOB

Really?

AL

Yes.

BEATRICE

Uh, Director Tinsley?

ROBERT

(distracted and upset)

Yeah. Just a second. Ugh, all these paper files…

BEATRICE

Sir, you know you can computerize those.

ROBERT

I had some files on my computer, but there was a virus.

ALBERTA

(from outside)

Woohooo!

BEATRICE

Yes, sir. I just I need to talk to you about something.

BARTY

(from outside)

Go, go, go, go, go-o-o-o!

BEATRICE

Sir…

ROBERT

Alberta is taking care of it. He says that he’s working on the virus.

BEATRICE

Yes, sir. That’s the thing. I don’t think that Alberta and Bartholomew are working right now.

BARTY

(from outside)

Ride like the wind!

BEATRICE

Do you not hear the commotion in the hallway outside of your office?

ROBERT

Yes, I—ALBERTA

(from outside)

No brakes! No brakes ever!

ROBERT

Yes. They are actually working on a prototype for a new land rover since someone destroyed the last one. Oh, look, there it goes now! Look at it bank!

BARTY

(from outside)

No hands!

BEATRICE

Have they learned nothing—has no one learned—has anyone…?

BEATRICE

Alberta is still in a full body cast! How are we—how is this—this is not okay!

You know what? Fine, fine, fine. Fine. Fine. Build your tire things. I am just—I’m gonna go. As head of security, it’s not like I have any jurisdiction about what’s safe!

ROBERT

Actually—before you go. Can you help me find Alberta’s file here in this pile?

BARTY

(from outside)

25 points if you get through the janitor’s closet door!

ALBERTA

(from outside)

I made it! 25!

BEATRICE

(furious whisper)

And yet they remain in charge.

ROBERT

I’m sure it was just a minor crash.

BARTY

(from outside)

Wow, that was a major crash!

BEATRICE

Also just press Alt-Control-Delete.

BOB

Al, wow, that’s really cool. But how was Bartholomew driving a vehicle? I thought you said he broke his arm.

AL

Oh, yeah, well… arms, legs. What’s it matter to you, Bob? This is about the development.

BOB

Well, it’s just a pretty big difference, breaking an arm versus breaking a leg.

AL

So yeah, then there was also this time when we all went outside…

BEATRICE

I mean, do we really need to go for a picnic? Do we really need to step outside to enjoy food that we can just have in the cafeteria?

ROBERT

I’m actually with Miss Brass on this one. I concur 100%.

BEATRICE

Mr. Bridges, I… Bartholomew—Barty. I just don’t really feel that comfortable going out to just enjoy the outside. A picnic, really? Can’t we just enjoy food inside in the cafeteria without, you know, the various things that have murdered a lot of our crew.

ROBERT

Well, we do have a lovely cafeteria, I will say, again, quite serviceable for a picnic. We can even put one of those blankets over one of the tables.

ALBERTA

I don’t want to sit inside at the cafeteria. That’s where losers sit!

BEATRICE

Inside there aren’t, you know, those tiger-lion, uh—

ROBERT

Wions.

BEATRICE

Wions, thank you, that mauled that one team, or you know, the giant worms that tried to eat us last time we were out there. And then there was that one team that… got destroyed by acid rain…

BARTY

Beatrice knowing how you react to a fun and carefree personality like my own, you might find this hard to believe, but… I’m actually suggesting this because I think it might be good for you. You might… enjoy yourself.

BEATRICE

(to herself)

There was that one team that got mauled by grasshoppers…

ROBERT

I agree! Maybe this would be good for Beatrice to go out… And I’ll just stay here and monitor communications.

BEATRICE

And then there was that random comet.

BARTY

Beatrice, why don’t we just go outside the door? We’ll sit in the doorway. How about that? And then your left leg will be entirely safe.

BEATRICE

(wavering)

Oh, you know, though, there was that acid rain! That just took their—ssssss!—right off… but…

Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, I’m trying to be more “loosey-goosey”.

Loosey-goosey.

Loose goose. Um—

BARTY

Yeah, you’re one loose goose, all right.

All right. I’m opening the door.

BEATRICE

Okay.

BARTY

There. It’s a bright sunny day…

BEATRICE

(whispers to herself)

Bright sunny day…

BARTY

You know… there’s grass.

BEATRICE

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. I see it.

BARTY

There’s the—oh! Is that a comet!?

BEATRICE

AAAGH! Everybody back inside! Code Blue! Code Blue!

ROBERT

Aaaa! We’re all gonna die!

BARTY

It was a joke… It’s a… yeah.

AL

Oh, And who could forget all that excitement around the director’s birthday?

ROBERT

Oh, Hello, Miss Brass.

(hinting strongly)

Anything to report or say?

BEATRICE

Well, Alberta seems to be recovering very well, sir. He’s mostly out of his casts.

ROBERT

Yeah? Yeah?

And…?

BEATRICE

Well, we had a successful scout team come back and they found some sources of fresh water.

ROBERT

Right. Right, right.

BEATRICE

Um… there was that moment when Barthol—Barty decided to surprise everyone with a light show in the cafeteria—

ROBERT

Anything to report about your director?

BARTY

Heyyy, there he is! Birthday boy, birthday pinches!

ROBERT

No no! Agh!

BARTY

(laughs)

Ha ha ha! It’s gonna be a great day!

ROBERT

Hands to yourself.

Uh, thank you.

ALBERTA

I got you these presents.

ROBERT

Oh! Alberta, you shouldn’t have—

ALBERTA

They are my casts. They stink like hell.

ROBERT

Oh, well. Um. I guess it’s the thought that counts. Thank you, Alberta. Oh, I’ll just set those over here by the trashcan.

ALBERTA

I wanted you to think about me on your birthday.

ROBERT

That’s very sweet.

BARTY

So listen, we got it all planned out—

BEATRICE

Shh!

BARTY

…So listen, we got it all planned out—

BEATRICE

(furtive hiss)

Bartholomew!

BARTY

What?

ROBERT

Oh, I get it! Right. Right. It’s a surprise—I mean, nothing to share! Ha ha ha.

BARTY

(slow realization)

Ohhhhhhhhhh…

ROBERT

I didn’t hear a thing, wink wink.

BEATRICE

I was playing it so cool.

BARTY

Ohhhhhhhhhh…

BEATRICE

You couldn’t just be cool, man? You couldn’t just be cool? Neither of you could be cool? I’m trying to be loosey-goosey here and all of a sudden you guys come around and destroy the surprise that I’ve been building for the past month and a half for the director.

ROBERT

Well, I say it’s still a surprise!

BEATRICE

No, it’s ruined. It’s ruined. We might as well not even have your birthday.

ALBERTA

I agree.

BEATRICE

I’ll just go tell all of the crew in the cafeteria to clean up.

ROBERT

No, there’s really no need to do that! I’m sure it’s fine. I didn’t hear a thing—look at me, I have earbuds in!

BEATRICE

No, it’s ruined. It’s ruined. Everything’s ruined.

ALBERTA

I’ll throw out this cake that someone made in the fridge.

ROBERT

What? No, I—!

ROBERT

I made that cake.

ALBERTA

Oh…

I’m just gonna—

(he scoops some out and tastes it)

It still tastes fine… from the garbage.

BARTY

It’s all over the casts…

ALBERTA

It’s actually really good. Oh, wow.

ROBERT

Well, um, well yeah, no, I know. I don’t want any, thank you Alberta.

ALBERTA

Mmm! Eat it from my hand!

ROBERT

Oh, no, no, very good.

BEATRICE

Albert is still on his pain medication, Sir.

ROBERT

Well, I appreciate everything that you attempted.

BARTY

Does anyone know how to make souffle?

BOB

Well, the birthday sounds fascinating, Al. but you know there’s, there’s all these dead people in these pods. It’s sort of the part of the story I was hoping we could get to.

AL

Well, Bob, before you know, the dead people in the pods you got to know who they were when they were alive.

BOB

I guess that makes sense.

AL

Like, there was that time at the big dance when Simone and David kissed for the first time in front of everybody!

BOB

Oh, but wait, who’s Simone—what?

AL

Daaaaah!

BEATRICE

So uh, it’s a nice dance you put together here, Barty.

BARTY

Thank you. Yeah, I… I engineered it rather well, ha ha.

BEATRICE

(laughs)

ROBERT

Beatrice! Barty! Have you tried this punch that Barty put together from those potato carrot things? Hoo hoo! Nice work.

(laughs drunkenly)

I just I’m gonna go dance over this way…

BEATRICE

(to Barty)

I’m surprised you’re not dancing, actually.

BARTY

You take me as a real Fred Astaire type?

BEATRICE

(laughs)

I don’t know. I just figured you put this all together. You might as well be out on the dance floor, instead of standing in the corner with me.

BARTY

No, I’m… more of a organize and then sit on the sidelines kind of a guy, you know. Tall, dark, brooding. Mysterious.

ROBERT

Whoa! You shake it Simone!

BEATRICE

Oh, there’s Simone. Alberta just doing a little jazz box step.

ALBERTA

Wha-ga-ga-ga! I love to dance!

BEATRICE

He loves to dance.

BARTY

Yeah. And hey, he’s not the only one, check out David there.

BEATRICE

Oh. Oh no. Oh, Simone. David. David. No. Stop. Simone! Stop. Oh! No! There’s people everywhere! Stop it! Oh, no. Oh no, their mouths are just—

ROBERT

Way to use your tongue, Simone!

BEATRICE

Uh, I mean, I guess if we’re looking to improve morale…

BARTY

(sighs)

AL

Yeah, that was a day I definitely remembered. Definitely remembered when Simone and David kissed for the first time.

BOB

I don’t know, I’m starting to feel like we’re avoiding some bigger issues.

AL

I’m just getting lost in all the fun that I used to have with all my friends, and being alive, and having a body, like, oh! I remember when me and Barty started our super special project…

BARTY

Alberta, Alberta. Come with me. Come with me.

ALBERTA

(sleepy)

Okay. Barty…

BARTY

It’s so exciting!

ALBERTA

(sitting up)

It’s very early in the morning/very late at night, depending on how semantic you want to be about it right now.

BARTY

It doesn’t matter. You’ve got to see this. And hopefully you can work on it with me. Come on, follow me!

ALBERTA

Okay, I’m coming. I’m coming. I’m just moving very slowly, cause I hate what we’re doing? Uh, yeah. Okay, what?

BARTY

So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been collaborating with Dr. Golgi in biology, and I think we stumbled upon something, and then maybe with you, if you could take a look at coding certain aspects of it… We could be onto something really big here.

ALBERTA

What? What is it? What? papers, diagrams, 3-D models of… what?

BARTY

Just look up! Here. Look, look at it.

ALBERTA

(looks up slowly)

Oh, what? Oh, Barty…

BARTY

And then if I press this button…

ALBERTA

Barty… do you know what this means?

BOB

Um, wow. Okay, so I guess that explains where the pods came from, Al, but it really doesn’t explain why there’s thousands and thousands of dead people in the pods staring at me with their blank little eye holes right now.

AL

Well, Bob, as you can imagine… after that, things got way more complicated.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

KRISTI BOULTON AS BEATRICE

It’s just that—

(stops, breaks character)

Are you Director, Doctor or Mister Bridges?

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

Barty’s fine.

KRISTI BOULTON

Fuck you.

SEAN HOWARD

That’s our outtake.

KRISTI BOULTON

(laughing)

Goddammit.