NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

ROBERT

I’m very sorry to have kept you all waiting.

BARTY

You’ve been standing in our room staring disapprovingly for 15 minutes. I’m not sure how how sorry you actually are.

ROBERT

Thank you, Barty.

So why don’t we start with someone explaining to me why Alberta is in full traction?

ALBERTA

That was my own fault, I will say—

ROBERT

Oh no, no. No no. I want to know in excruciating detail and don’t leave a thing out.

BEATRICE

Well, sir, it all goes back to the rover.

BEATRICE

Can you not drive faster, Bartholomew?!

BARTY

I mean even here with no road there are certain speed limits that keep us safe.

BEATRICE

You know what would have helped? If we didn’t have a third person pulling down on the weight! We did not do the calculations to have a third!

ALBERTA

I agree, we could have left you behind and escaped on our own.

BEATRICE

Or you could have never come!

ALBERTA

Whoa, Bartholomew, watch out!

BEATRICE

Keep your eyes on the road and not on the giant worm-thing behind us.

BARTY

Yeah, I got it. Alberta you might not be old enough for this yet, but that’s known as backseat driving.

ALBERTA

Uh, I think more front seat driving—that thing has many mouths. Gnashing, gnashing mouths…

BEATRICE

What is it even dripping with? It’s like leaving a secretion behind. And why is it still chasing us?!

BARTY

All right, I’ll speed up.

ALBERTA

Whoa! Ack!

BARTY

Alberta! I’m sorry! I can see you bouncing up and down in the back window there, careening off the roof, and then the floor and then the roof and then the floor. But it’s still approaching!

ALBERTA

It’s okay. There’s—only—two seats—in the rover…

BEATRICE

Bartholomew. Go for that giant body of water. The jeep has boat capabilities! It can follow us under the water! I don’t think—I don’t know!

ALBERTA

That’s true. Worms can’t swim. Everyone knows that!

BARTY

Your big idea is to drive a car into the lake?! That’s worse than a chasm!

BEATRICE

It has a boat feature!

ALBERTA

Uh—ooh—it’s dripping and its dripping is melting the metal.

BARTY

All right, on your head be it, Beatrice!

BEATRICE

Everybody hold tight, we’re gonna get moist!

Aaagh, I should have said it less gross!

ALBERTA

So in retrospect, the water wasn’t the best idea, but it did deter the big worm.

ROBERT

Okay, okay. Okay. You know, I’m going to stop the line of inquisition around why Alberta is in full traction, which I still don’t understand. Let’s shift please to what’s left of the rover. I now understand why the back of the rover is mostly missing—acid that eats metal, okay. Would someone please explain to me why there’s no roof on the rover any more?

ALBERTA

I’m bailing water out, but there’s nowhere to bail it out through, Barty!

BARTY

Okay, hang on. Let me just see—argh, it’s fighting me. Let me get back to shore.

BEATRICE

See, this is funny because you’re the engineer. Your team was the one who made the jeeps flotatable. So I mean, it’s surprising to me that you don’t know your own team’s capabilities and that this wasn’t meant to go into deep water.

BARTY

That was a prospect blueprint! We put in only the prototype features for this one. It was designed as a test to drive in slowly in a calm lake, not turning at 100 miles an hour and careening into a river!

BEATRICE

Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that when we went through that really, really low-hanging piece of rock into a water cave that we were going to be snapping off the top of the thing! Who could have pictured that? Oh, I don’t know someone who has experience driving the rover!

And yet somehow, somehow we have all escaped the worm and sure, we are going down quite a tumultuous river right now, and yes, Alberta is in the back trying to get water out, but if we keep complaining about the things that are bad and don’t focus on the good and trying to get ourselves out of here, then what are we doing?!

BARTY

Sir, there’s only so many times that Brass can say “Drive over a chasm,” “Go into the narrow gap on the outside of the river,” before something like a roof coming off happens.

BEATRICE

I don’t think that’s a fair accusation, sir. As I was the one who was supposed to be driving the rover, but because we had extra people in our expedition, and I had to get out and there was an unknowable thing that attacked—

ROBERT

Yes, yes—

BARTY

Yeah, right. It would have been much better for you—

ROBERT

Excuse me!

ROBERT

Okay.

So let’s leave behind the fact that the rover is demolished. And let’s leave behind the fact that Alberta is in traction.

ALBERTA

And that Rover 2 was also demolished.

ROBERT

Would someone please now explain to me why each of you has a different arm that is broken?

BEATRICE

Okay, we made it out of the river. We escaped the giant worms. We lost the top and nobody was hurt. And there’s the base in the distance.

Bartholomew, if you can just get us to the base, we’ll be okay.

BARTY

Sure, what would you like me to do? Drive up a gust of wind? Is that the advice now?

BEATRICE

No, I just want you to take a left and avoid that ditch. Take a left before the ditch, take a left before the ditch!

ALBERTA

(simultaneously)

Whoaaaa!

BARTY

(simultaneously)

I’m a great driver! I can do it with one arm behind my back!

BEATRICE

(simultaneously)

Bartholomew! Avoid that ditch! We’re gonna—oh no!

BEATRICE

And there goes Alberta.

BOB

Hey, uh, Barty? Are you busy? You look busy. I’ll come back another time.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m always busy according to my schedule, Bob. But that’s okay. Go ahead.

BOB

Well, you just looked like you were collating. I know how much you really enjoy focusing on your collating.

BARTHOLOMEW

I mean, I can show you my schedule right now. It is collating hour. But I mean, we’re already speaking. It’s okay. I’m here to be approached.

BOB

Okay. Um. Beatrix has been really down lately.

BARTHOLOMEW

Down? Like, spending time on the lower floors?

BOB

No, like, really down.

BARTHOLOMEW

You mean a morale crisis!

BOB

Yes! Yeah, that’s a better way of putting it. But like, really severe. Any time I ask her anything, she’s just really sad. I was just seeing if you might have some ideas on how to, you know, pep her up, or make her feel better.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay. Okay.

BOB

Oh! Here she comes now. Watch.

Uh, hi, Beatrix! Your hair looks so shiny.

BEATRIX

(heavy sigh)

Thanks.

BOB

You’re welcome?

BARTHOLOMEW

I really see what you mean. I think I’ve lost energy after that exchange.

BEATRIX

(sighs)

BOB

What do we do, Barty?

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, I know when I’m feeling down, sometimes I enjoy engaging in my interests and—

BOB

Oh! That’s good. Beatrix! What say you we go adventuring?

BEATRIX

(considers, and sighs again)

BOB

What do I do, Barty?

BARTHOLOMEW

Um, sometimes I enjoy lending support to things I enjoy and believe in!

BOB

Like what?

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, there’s this site called Patreon.

BOB

Yeah?

BARTHOLOMEW

And on Patreon, specifically patreon.com/civilizedpod, you can lend your support to the show Civilized… whatever that is.

BOB

Oh look! Someone just did it! Beatrix, someone just lent their support to us at patreon.com/civilizedpod!

BEATRIX

(happy sigh)

Aww! I can feel their support from here. Things are looking up in the world! What were you saying about an adventure?

BOB

Uh-oh!

BARTY

So it’s not great for your bones to drive with one arm behind your back.

ROBERT

Oh, okay. I expected a little more from you, Barty. You’re usually you know the level-headed one around here. Care to explain how you broke your left arm when all you had to do was walk from the hill up there back to the base.

BARTY

You know, I was thinking. Like you said, that rover’s been through a lot. You know, it held its own in the river, went over the chasm, it did the roof. Engineering really did their job on this one!

Now, let’s do a poll. Everyone? How secure are you feeling? Raise your hand if you feel secure.

BEATRICE

You son of a—!

BARTY

Aaaagh!

BEATRICE

Shut up!

BARTY

My arm!

BEATRICE

Just shut up! Shut up, Bartholomew! With your stupid sarcasm—shut up!

You are the reason that we’re in this position. You are the reason—you brought Alberto’s now lying in a ditch, motionless. You’re the reason we’re—you could have listened to me. You never listen to me.

You never listen. You always think that you know better. You always think that you have the answer. And it’s always sarcasm, and you have never shown me you respect me. Not once. And now my arm hurts like and motherf… oh, I’m so tired—why can’t you just for once—for once show me an ounce of respect.

BARTY

(pants)

You’re right. Beatrice.

I… I rarely show any indication of respecting you.

But… you pack a hell of a punch. Respect.

BEATRICE

Ugh!

ALBERTA

(from the ditch, weakly)

Can we can we go home now?

ROBERT

Ah, Miss Brass. Thank you. You can just stand.

BEATRICE

Oh, yes, sir.

ROBERT

(clears his throat)

I just wanted to say, I hope I didn’t go to too tough on you all in there, you know—trying to get to the bottom of what happened. You know?

BEATRICE

No, sir. It’s… it was warranted. It was a failure of a mission.

ROBERT

Actually… I think the the cost was high. But um, I actually think it was quite successful.

BEATRICE

You… you thought it was successful? You thought we did an okay job?

ROBERT

Yes. You met—you met life! You survived. You brought back Seymour. We’re calling the worm Seymour.

BEATRICE

I really don’t think we should name it, sir. I really don’t think this is a good idea, ha ha. But regardless, thank you, sir.

ROBERT

Thank you.

BARTY

Come on. That’s all you have to say? Beatrice! We did a good job! We had a successful mission!

ROBERT

Oh, sorry. Barty was laying down on the floor.

BARTY

Come on. Come on. We did good. Let’s hug it out.

ROBERT

Uh, no, let’s keep bodily contact to a minimum. I need you to have one working arm each.

BEATRICE

Sir. If it’s all right with you, I would like to request that—

ROBERT

Oh no, Before you do that, I’m giving you each a commendation. As director. And hereby… are you ready for this? Huh?

I’m making you team Bravo. You are now officially a working team. Our best team!

BEATRICE

Sir, no… Sir.

ROBERT

Oh, yes, I know. It’s a lot. I know. I know. But you know, I figure it’s due. Well done.

BARTY

I commend you on your good management, sir. Excellent idea.

ROBERT

Thank you, Barty… slightly kissing up, but I like it.

ALBERTA

And because I’m in the room, I’m part of the team too.

ROBERT

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Alberta’s sort of over here on the other side of the table and in traction still. Try not to step on him.

ALBERTA

(weakly)

Hooraaaay for Alberta…

BEATRICE

Ugh!

BARTY

It’ll be good to work with you, Beatrice.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

KRISTI BOULTON AS BEATRICE

You should know that this wasn’t meant—

(breaks character)

Sorry, “made the jeeps flotatable”…

SEAN HOWARD

I love it. It’s beautiful.

KRISTI BOULTON

Okay.

SEAN HOWARD

Keep going!