304: Polar

Alberta stows away on a dangerous mission.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.

Content warning: panic and dangerous driving.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

READY ROOM

ALBERTA

I want to come too! This isn’t fair! I’m 13 now. I’m older!

BEATRICE

Alberta, we have talked about this, I’m not willing to send out one of our only tech people into the field.

ROBERT

Um… I just, um—

BEATRICE

One second, Director—

ALBERTA

Barty gets to go, I want to go too! I packed a big coat. And I also packed a very light coat. Because I’m unsure of the terrain.

BEATRICE

I’m less concerned if we lose Dr. Bridges.

BARTY

Really? That’s your point? Not that I’m not 13, that I’m—

ROBERT

Uh… okay—

BEATRICE

It’s all part of it.

ROBERT

Why do we have to have this conversation in my ready room?

ALBERTA

Because you guys are ready to go. I’m also ready to go. We’re all ready. So let’s go.

BEATRICE

We are not ready if you think you are coming on this mission, Alberta.

ALBERTA

I’m ahead on all of my projects. And I think it’s only fair. And Barty taught me how to automate things.

ROBERT

I-I will say that Alberta is ahead on all deadlines and deliverables.

(hastily)

I’m not condoning that we should send a 13 year old out on an expedition. I’m just… I’m just gonna sit at my desk.

BARTY

Now, Alberta. Director Brass right, you shouldn’t be coming along with us.

BEATRICE

Thank you, Dr. Bridges.

BARTY

I think you should take that extra warm polar coat of yours. Go put it back in the equipment area on the back of the fully loaded rover that’s about to go out on the expedition.

BEATRICE

(missing Barty’s broad hints)

Exactly. Thank you, Dr. Bridges.

BARTY

Just put your coat there, though. Like, don’t don’t try to sneak on or anything.

BEATRICE

Don’t try that.

ALBERTA

I wouldn’t do that. So no one kick or punch any lumps. Of coats.

Music sting.

ROVER

The rover makes its way across the terrain.

BEATRICE

(to herself)

Alright, so far, so good. Good. This is the farthest they’ve all been from the base. Everything’s fine.

ALBERTA

Are we there yet?

Beatrice spins around in her seat, startled.

BEATRICE

Oh my gosh!

ALBERTA

Yes. I came.

BEATRICE

Alberta!

ALBERTA

It was a trick.

BEATRICE

Alberta, you—

ALBERTA

I wanted to come so bad. This is so exciting. We’re exploring the farthest reaches that we’ve ever been on this planet and I don’t get to see it?

BEATRICE

You went against a direct order!

BARTY

Alberta. I’m, I’m shocked. And I am chagrined.

BEATRICE

Okay, I’m starting to get the sense that that was all sarcasm.

BARTY

No! No. I’m shocked. I’m chagrined. Look at me. Shock. Chagrin. All over my face. All in my tone. Dripping down my body.

ALBERTA

He does have a big cha-grin.

BARTY

Hah? But that doesn’t mean I’m not chagrined, just because I like your joke.

But listen, Alberta’s here now. Maybe it’ll be good for him to get some field experience.

Silence.

BEATRICE

How am I supposed to feel that both of you are so okay with just going against anything that I say? Anything that I say? What is it about my leadership that threatens you so much that you feel like you just have to go against everything I say?!

BARTY

Couldn’t we interpret it as, I have such faith in your security ability that I know Alberta and myself are going to get back okay?

BEATRICE

(growls in frustration)

Music sting.

READY ROOM

Robert hums to himself as he opens the blinds.

ROBERT

Oh, what a lovely morning.

(sighs)

Ah, just—

He’s cut off by a crackle of radio static.

BEATRICE

(over the communicator)

Director. Come in, Director.

ROBERT

(sighs)

It was gonna be a lovely morning.

He walks over to the communicator.

BEATRICE

You should mute yourself if you don’t want me to hear your inner comments, Director.

Robert quickly pushes the mute button.

ROBERT

(to himself)

Damn this little thing.

(clears his throat then, into the communicator)

It’s a go for Director Tinsley.

BEATRICE

Director Tinsley. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there was a conspiracy between Dr. Bridges and our lead tech Alberta to get him secretly on the back of the rover and for some reason undermine my authority yet again, because the two of them, being thick as thieves, decide all the time that they know best! And then of course, you know, Director Bridges isn’t gonna do anything about it. Well, sir, I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I just need your advice. I’m so frustrated at this point.

ROBERT

Oh. Well, uh—

BEATRICE

Also, good morning.

ROBERT

Oh. Good morning, Ms. Brass.

Um, well, my advice. You really—you haven’t really come to me for advice very much. I appreciate, you know, looking for mentorship in a time of crisis like this, a time when you’re alone against the wilderness of a strange planet.

BEATRICE

(sighs)

ROBERT

Um, well, at this point, you have two choices. You could continue on your mission. Or you could abort, ah, waste all that fuel, lose the time and return to base.

BEATRICE

That will put us behind by days.

ROBERT

Yes. Not to mention my sanity.

BEATRICE

Your sanity!?

A timer goes off.

ROBERT

Oh, I’m so sorry, Miss Brass, but my eggs are ready. I’m sure you have this perfectly under control. I’m here if you need me for anything.

Cut to:

ROVER

BEATRICE

Sir…! You didn’t give me anything…

(sighs)

More radio static.

LIEUTENANT CASSIDY

(over the radio)

Director Brass, come in Director Brass.

BEATRICE

This is Director Brass.

LIEUTENANT CASSIDY

Director. This is Lieutenant Cassidy from the navigation rover. We’re getting unusual subterranean signals and yours is the only rover in range. You need to investigate at once.

BEATRICE

Yep, okay, thank you. Thank you, Lieutenant Cassidy. Um, could you ping me the location to my communicator of the subterranean signals, please?

LIEUTENANT CASSIDY

I’ve already sent you the coordinates, it’s just—they’re moving, Director.

Beatrice punches a few buttons on the navigation computer, which beeps as it displays a map.

BEATRICE

Okay… it appears they are. Yes. All right. Thank you Lieutenant Cassidy, Brass out.

LIEUTENANT CASSIDY

Cassidy out as well.

Music sting.

MIDROLL

Soothing electronic music.

BEATRIX

Hey Bob!

BOB

Oh!

BEATRIX

Bartholomew! You gotta come with me! Come here. Come here real quick!

BOB

Uh, okay. Where are we going?

BEATRIX

I found this room and it’s full of screens? And it had a board with a bunch of like letters from the alphabet on it.

BOB

Oh yeah. Al calls that the “server room”.

BEATRIX

Yeah! So I went in, and there was this big thing on the middle screen that said “SEARCH BAR”. So I thought, oooh, what do I want to search? And so I sat and I thought, and I thought—

BOB

Ooh! You put in “soufflé”?

BEATRIX

No, I sat for about an hour before I really decided to put in “Beatrix”. I just wanted to see what would come up!

BOB

You put yourself into the computer?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, I think that’s good! An active interest in one’s own being and accomplishments.

BEATRIX

Yeah! And you know, if there’s any secret files, I want to know where they are…

BOB

Oh, there’s secret files?

BEATRIX

Well, I don’t know! That’s why I searched.

BOB

What’d you find?

BEATRIX

Well, I put in my name and I pressed Enter, and the first thing that popped up was this thing called civilizedpod.com…

BOB

Oh. What was the second thing?

BEATRIX

It… it said “Tasteful Nudes”.

Laughter.

KRISTI BOULTON

(out of character)

I dunno where that came from!

SEAN HOWARD

That was beautiful!

KRISTI BOULTON

Head over to civilizedpod.com to find out more about our newest episodes, guest stars, and potentially see some tasteful nudes.

Music sting.

ROVER

The rover rumbles over rougher ground. The navigation computer beeps steadily.

ALBERTA

Wow, whoa, why are we driving so fast now? I’ve never seen you like this. You’re so intense, Beatrice.

BEATRICE

(grim)

It’s Director Brass.

ALBERTA

I mean, Director Brass.

BEATRICE

We are headed to a specific location where we are getting underground readings of a strange… something. Unfortunately for you, there is no third seat. So hold on.

ALBERTA

(swaying)

Woah…

BEATRICE

And please, if you could both refrain from talking to me. I’m trying to concentrate.

I assumed there would be silence between Dr. Bridges and I on this particular journey. But now I’ve got another voice, so please, let me concentrate on the drive.

The radio crackles.

ROBERT

(over the communicator)

Director Tinsley to security, Director Brass, come in if you’re there.

BEATRICE

This is Brass.

ROBERT

Sorry to bother you. I was just wondering, you know, you make the most perfect oatmeal in the mornings and with nobody here… uh, is it two parts oatmeal to one part water?

BEATRICE

It’s three parts oatmeal, to 1.5 parts water, sir.

ROBERT

1.5… Okay, and oh, sorry. Thank you. I know you’re probably busy. But do you add the raisins and the nuts first or after, when it’s done?

BEATRICE

Raisins while you’re putting in the water, sir, nuts and cinnamon afterwards.

BARTY

Brass.

BEATRICE

I’m sorry, sir. Is there something important that you need to ask me right now? I am on a mission—

ROBERT

Oh, of course. Well, this was quite important, actually. You know, gotta make sure morale’s up here and we feed everyone. But I will let you get back to your mission.

BARTY

Brass…!

BEATRICE

What?

BARTY

The signal’s stopped. You overshot it.

The nav computer has indeed fallen silent.

ALBERTA

Wait, no. It disappeared. That doesn’t make any sense. Signals don’t just stop like that. Let me… I’m gonna sit on your lap, Barty, I need to use the computer.

He crawls up into the front seat.

BEATRIX

There’s not a lot of…!

(growls)

Alberta taps away on the computer.

ALBERTA

Yeah, there’s a dead zone. We crossed the line and there’s no communication signals anymore.

BARTY

What do you mean? Like there’s something underground? That’s artificially blocking our radar?

ALBERTA

Yeah. 100%. 110%. There’s something organic. Something’s down there.

Beatrix stops the rover and steps outside, muttering to herself, then slams the door.

BARTY

I never would have caught that. It’s a good thing you were here, Alberta.

ROBERT

(over the radio)

Director Tinsley to Director Bridges, Head of Engineering. Come in, please.

BARTY

Yes, yes. Yeah. Hey.

ROBERT

Ah, yes. Barty. Thank you. Just, quick question. Um, I seem to have blown a breaker, making breakfast. I was trying to do, you know, the coffee and the oatmeal and everything all at once. It’s really quite an ordeal. Uh, how do I get power back?

BARTY

Sorry, you’ve blown a breaker?

ROBERT

Well, yes. The kitchen is dark.

BARTY

Gotcha. Yeah. Turn it back on.

OUTSIDE

A cold wind whistles as Beatrice walks through the snow, consulting an instrument in her hand.

BEATRICE)

Okay, just calm down. Calm down, Beatrice. Okay, so just, just check. I’m sure it’s nothing. Other things are underground. There’s rabbits and mice. Other small rodents? It could be something like that. We’re close enough to Earth. It could be something like that.

What are you saying? We’re not even close to Earth, it’s fine, it’s fine. You’re going to be fine. Just calm yourself down. You’re okay. You’re okay. What have we got?

She pushes a few buttons on her device.

In the distance, there’s a low rumble.

BEATRICE

Oh! Woah.

(into her communicator)

Brass to Bridges. Did you feel that?

BARTY

(over the communicator)

I mean, there was maybe a little bit of a tremor.

Another, bigger rumble.

BARTY

Oh, I felt that one.

Beatrice’s instrument begins to beep incessantly.

BEATRICE

My sensor is picking up… something. Something. I don’t know if it’s an earthquake… but earthquake’s don’t move.

BARTY

Well, what is it? What do we do? What are your orders?

The rumbling is growing louder and louder.

BEATRICE

Get the rover to me. Get the rover to me now.

BARTY

On our way.

Beatrice starts walking back through the snow

ROBERT

(over the communicator)

Director Tinsley, this is Director Tinsley to Head of Security Brass.

BEATRICE

What is it, sir?

ROBERT

We have a situation, Brass, here at the base.

BEATRICE

We have a situation here too, sir, what is it?

ROBERT

Oh well, I guess, do you want to go first or should I go first?

BEATRICE

Uh—uhh—go.

ROBERT

Oh, uh… we’ve run out of cinnamon. I repeat, we have run out of cinnamon.

Rocks tumble as the earthquake grows in intensity.

BEATRICE

Well, sir, it appears that we are experiencing uh…

Bartholomew, get us out of here!

Beatrice runs toward the approaching rover.

BARTY

(over the communicator)

We’re driving in on your left!

ROBERT

You broke up there, Director Brass, I didn’t hear what you were gonna—

Barty leans out the door.

BARTY

Grab my hand!

He hauls Beatrice back aboard the rover. The door slams as they drive away at top speed.

ROBERT

So that’s a no on cinnamon?

Music sting.

ROVER

BEATRICE

Take a left here!

BARTY

That’s a chasm! I’m not taking a left into a chasm!

BEATRICE

Well you can go over the chasm if you drive fast enough! What are you, a granny?!

BARTY

Over the chasm?! Are you listening to yourself?

BEATRICE

I am listening to myself. We have to go where there isn’t dirt!

ALBERTA

Guys. I think I just realized something.

BEATRICE AND BARTY

What is it?!

ALBERTA

Um, well, I think back at the base, um, I think I left my door open. Can you check, please? It’s an emergency, you need to check if—I think I left one of the computers running and I didn’t save a game of chess I was playing.

Silence except for the rover’s engine.

BARTY

Uh—

BEATRICE

You brought this!?

BARTY

Ugh… fine, I’ll go over the chasm!

All three scream as Barty floors the accelerator.

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

POST-CREDITS

SEAN HOWARD

Okay, let’s do this! The one with the… the north pole expedition?

MICHAEL DIVINSKY

Uh, the pole expedition. I don’t want to constrain us to the north.

KRISTI BOULTON

Ah ha…

SEAN HOWARD

The pole expedition.

PHIL JOHNSTON

Yeah. We gotta expedite that pole.

MICHAEL DIVINSKY

Nice.

PHIL JOHNSTON

I mean, explore the pole.