Alberta stows away on a dangerous mission.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: panic and dangerous driving.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
READY ROOM
ALBERTA
I want to come too! This isn’t fair! I’m 13 now. I’m older!
BEATRICE
Alberta, we have talked about this, I’m not willing to send out one of our only tech people into the field.
ROBERT
Um… I just, um—
BEATRICE
One second, Director—
ALBERTA
Barty gets to go, I want to go too! I packed a big coat. And I also packed a very light coat. Because I’m unsure of the terrain.
BEATRICE
I’m less concerned if we lose Dr. Bridges.
BARTY
Really? That’s your point? Not that I’m not 13, that I’m—
ROBERT
Uh… okay—
BEATRICE
It’s all part of it.
ROBERT
Why do we have to have this conversation in my ready room?
ALBERTA
Because you guys are ready to go. I’m also ready to go. We’re all ready. So let’s go.
BEATRICE
We are not ready if you think you are coming on this mission, Alberta.
ALBERTA
I’m ahead on all of my projects. And I think it’s only fair. And Barty taught me how to automate things.
ROBERT
I-I will say that Alberta is ahead on all deadlines and deliverables.
(hastily)
I’m not condoning that we should send a 13 year old out on an expedition. I’m just… I’m just gonna sit at my desk.
BARTY
Now, Alberta. Director Brass right, you shouldn’t be coming along with us.
BEATRICE
Thank you, Dr. Bridges.
BARTY
I think you should take that extra warm polar coat of yours. Go put it back in the equipment area on the back of the fully loaded rover that’s about to go out on the expedition.
BEATRICE
(missing Barty’s broad hints)
Exactly. Thank you, Dr. Bridges.
BARTY
Just put your coat there, though. Like, don’t don’t try to sneak on or anything.
BEATRICE
Don’t try that.
ALBERTA
I wouldn’t do that. So no one kick or punch any lumps. Of coats.
Music sting.
ROVER
The rover makes its way across the terrain.
BEATRICE
(to herself)
Alright, so far, so good. Good. This is the farthest they’ve all been from the base. Everything’s fine.
ALBERTA
Are we there yet?
Beatrice spins around in her seat, startled.
BEATRICE
Oh my gosh!
ALBERTA
Yes. I came.
BEATRICE
Alberta!
ALBERTA
It was a trick.
BEATRICE
Alberta, you—
ALBERTA
I wanted to come so bad. This is so exciting. We’re exploring the farthest reaches that we’ve ever been on this planet and I don’t get to see it?
BEATRICE
You went against a direct order!
BARTY
Alberta. I’m, I’m shocked. And I am chagrined.
BEATRICE
Okay, I’m starting to get the sense that that was all sarcasm.
BARTY
No! No. I’m shocked. I’m chagrined. Look at me. Shock. Chagrin. All over my face. All in my tone. Dripping down my body.
ALBERTA
He does have a big cha-grin.
BARTY
Hah? But that doesn’t mean I’m not chagrined, just because I like your joke.
But listen, Alberta’s here now. Maybe it’ll be good for him to get some field experience.
Silence.
BEATRICE
How am I supposed to feel that both of you are so okay with just going against anything that I say? Anything that I say? What is it about my leadership that threatens you so much that you feel like you just have to go against everything I say?!
BARTY
Couldn’t we interpret it as, I have such faith in your security ability that I know Alberta and myself are going to get back okay?
BEATRICE
(growls in frustration)
Music sting.
READY ROOM
Robert hums to himself as he opens the blinds.
ROBERT
Oh, what a lovely morning.
(sighs)
Ah, just—
He’s cut off by a crackle of radio static.
BEATRICE
(over the communicator)
Director. Come in, Director.
ROBERT
(sighs)
It was gonna be a lovely morning.
He walks over to the communicator.
BEATRICE
You should mute yourself if you don’t want me to hear your inner comments, Director.
Robert quickly pushes the mute button.
ROBERT
(to himself)
Damn this little thing.
(clears his throat then, into the communicator)
It’s a go for Director Tinsley.
BEATRICE
Director Tinsley. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there was a conspiracy between Dr. Bridges and our lead tech Alberta to get him secretly on the back of the rover and for some reason undermine my authority yet again, because the two of them, being thick as thieves, decide all the time that they know best! And then of course, you know, Director Bridges isn’t gonna do anything about it. Well, sir, I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I just need your advice. I’m so frustrated at this point.
ROBERT
Oh. Well, uh—
BEATRICE
Also, good morning.
ROBERT
Oh. Good morning, Ms. Brass.
Um, well, my advice. You really—you haven’t really come to me for advice very much. I appreciate, you know, looking for mentorship in a time of crisis like this, a time when you’re alone against the wilderness of a strange planet.
BEATRICE
(sighs)
ROBERT
Um, well, at this point, you have two choices. You could continue on your mission. Or you could abort, ah, waste all that fuel, lose the time and return to base.
BEATRICE
That will put us behind by days.
ROBERT
Yes. Not to mention my sanity.
BEATRICE
Your sanity!?
A timer goes off.
ROBERT
Oh, I’m so sorry, Miss Brass, but my eggs are ready. I’m sure you have this perfectly under control. I’m here if you need me for anything.
Cut to:
ROVER
BEATRICE
Sir…! You didn’t give me anything…
(sighs)
More radio static.
LIEUTENANT CASSIDY
(over the radio)
Director Brass, come in Director Brass.
BEATRICE
This is Director Brass.
LIEUTENANT CASSIDY
Director. This is Lieutenant Cassidy from the navigation rover. We’re getting unusual subterranean signals and yours is the only rover in range. You need to investigate at once.
BEATRICE
Yep, okay, thank you. Thank you, Lieutenant Cassidy. Um, could you ping me the location to my communicator of the subterranean signals, please?
LIEUTENANT CASSIDY
I’ve already sent you the coordinates, it’s just—they’re moving, Director.
Beatrice punches a few buttons on the navigation computer, which beeps as it displays a map.
BEATRICE
Okay… it appears they are. Yes. All right. Thank you Lieutenant Cassidy, Brass out.
LIEUTENANT CASSIDY
Cassidy out as well.
Music sting.
MIDROLL
Soothing electronic music.
BEATRIX
Hey Bob!
BOB
Oh!
BEATRIX
Bartholomew! You gotta come with me! Come here. Come here real quick!
BOB
Uh, okay. Where are we going?
BEATRIX
I found this room and it’s full of screens? And it had a board with a bunch of like letters from the alphabet on it.
BOB
Oh yeah. Al calls that the “server room”.
BEATRIX
Yeah! So I went in, and there was this big thing on the middle screen that said “SEARCH BAR”. So I thought, oooh, what do I want to search? And so I sat and I thought, and I thought—
BOB
Ooh! You put in “soufflé”?
BEATRIX
No, I sat for about an hour before I really decided to put in “Beatrix”. I just wanted to see what would come up!
BOB
You put yourself into the computer?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, I think that’s good! An active interest in one’s own being and accomplishments.
BEATRIX
Yeah! And you know, if there’s any secret files, I want to know where they are…
BOB
Oh, there’s secret files?
BEATRIX
Well, I don’t know! That’s why I searched.
BOB
What’d you find?
BEATRIX
Well, I put in my name and I pressed Enter, and the first thing that popped up was this thing called civilizedpod.com…
BOB
Oh. What was the second thing?
BEATRIX
It… it said “Tasteful Nudes”.
Laughter.
KRISTI BOULTON
(out of character)
I dunno where that came from!
SEAN HOWARD
That was beautiful!
KRISTI BOULTON
Head over to civilizedpod.com to find out more about our newest episodes, guest stars, and potentially see some tasteful nudes.
Music sting.
ROVER
The rover rumbles over rougher ground. The navigation computer beeps steadily.
ALBERTA
Wow, whoa, why are we driving so fast now? I’ve never seen you like this. You’re so intense, Beatrice.
BEATRICE
(grim)
It’s Director Brass.
ALBERTA
I mean, Director Brass.
BEATRICE
We are headed to a specific location where we are getting underground readings of a strange… something. Unfortunately for you, there is no third seat. So hold on.
ALBERTA
(swaying)
Woah…
BEATRICE
And please, if you could both refrain from talking to me. I’m trying to concentrate.
I assumed there would be silence between Dr. Bridges and I on this particular journey. But now I’ve got another voice, so please, let me concentrate on the drive.
The radio crackles.
ROBERT
(over the communicator)
Director Tinsley to security, Director Brass, come in if you’re there.
BEATRICE
This is Brass.
ROBERT
Sorry to bother you. I was just wondering, you know, you make the most perfect oatmeal in the mornings and with nobody here… uh, is it two parts oatmeal to one part water?
BEATRICE
It’s three parts oatmeal, to 1.5 parts water, sir.
ROBERT
1.5… Okay, and oh, sorry. Thank you. I know you’re probably busy. But do you add the raisins and the nuts first or after, when it’s done?
BEATRICE
Raisins while you’re putting in the water, sir, nuts and cinnamon afterwards.
BARTY
Brass.
BEATRICE
I’m sorry, sir. Is there something important that you need to ask me right now? I am on a mission—
ROBERT
Oh, of course. Well, this was quite important, actually. You know, gotta make sure morale’s up here and we feed everyone. But I will let you get back to your mission.
BARTY
Brass…!
BEATRICE
What?
BARTY
The signal’s stopped. You overshot it.
The nav computer has indeed fallen silent.
ALBERTA
Wait, no. It disappeared. That doesn’t make any sense. Signals don’t just stop like that. Let me… I’m gonna sit on your lap, Barty, I need to use the computer.
He crawls up into the front seat.
BEATRIX
There’s not a lot of…!
(growls)
Alberta taps away on the computer.
ALBERTA
Yeah, there’s a dead zone. We crossed the line and there’s no communication signals anymore.
BARTY
What do you mean? Like there’s something underground? That’s artificially blocking our radar?
ALBERTA
Yeah. 100%. 110%. There’s something organic. Something’s down there.
Beatrix stops the rover and steps outside, muttering to herself, then slams the door.
BARTY
I never would have caught that. It’s a good thing you were here, Alberta.
ROBERT
(over the radio)
Director Tinsley to Director Bridges, Head of Engineering. Come in, please.
BARTY
Yes, yes. Yeah. Hey.
ROBERT
Ah, yes. Barty. Thank you. Just, quick question. Um, I seem to have blown a breaker, making breakfast. I was trying to do, you know, the coffee and the oatmeal and everything all at once. It’s really quite an ordeal. Uh, how do I get power back?
BARTY
Sorry, you’ve blown a breaker?
ROBERT
Well, yes. The kitchen is dark.
BARTY
Gotcha. Yeah. Turn it back on.
OUTSIDE
A cold wind whistles as Beatrice walks through the snow, consulting an instrument in her hand.
BEATRICE)
Okay, just calm down. Calm down, Beatrice. Okay, so just, just check. I’m sure it’s nothing. Other things are underground. There’s rabbits and mice. Other small rodents? It could be something like that. We’re close enough to Earth. It could be something like that.
What are you saying? We’re not even close to Earth, it’s fine, it’s fine. You’re going to be fine. Just calm yourself down. You’re okay. You’re okay. What have we got?
She pushes a few buttons on her device.
In the distance, there’s a low rumble.
BEATRICE
Oh! Woah.
(into her communicator)
Brass to Bridges. Did you feel that?
BARTY
(over the communicator)
I mean, there was maybe a little bit of a tremor.
Another, bigger rumble.
BARTY
Oh, I felt that one.
Beatrice’s instrument begins to beep incessantly.
BEATRICE
My sensor is picking up… something. Something. I don’t know if it’s an earthquake… but earthquake’s don’t move.
BARTY
Well, what is it? What do we do? What are your orders?
The rumbling is growing louder and louder.
BEATRICE
Get the rover to me. Get the rover to me now.
BARTY
On our way.
Beatrice starts walking back through the snow
ROBERT
(over the communicator)
Director Tinsley, this is Director Tinsley to Head of Security Brass.
BEATRICE
What is it, sir?
ROBERT
We have a situation, Brass, here at the base.
BEATRICE
We have a situation here too, sir, what is it?
ROBERT
Oh well, I guess, do you want to go first or should I go first?
BEATRICE
Uh—uhh—go.
ROBERT
Oh, uh… we’ve run out of cinnamon. I repeat, we have run out of cinnamon.
Rocks tumble as the earthquake grows in intensity.
BEATRICE
Well, sir, it appears that we are experiencing uh…
Bartholomew, get us out of here!
Beatrice runs toward the approaching rover.
BARTY
(over the communicator)
We’re driving in on your left!
ROBERT
You broke up there, Director Brass, I didn’t hear what you were gonna—
Barty leans out the door.
BARTY
Grab my hand!
He hauls Beatrice back aboard the rover. The door slams as they drive away at top speed.
ROBERT
So that’s a no on cinnamon?
Music sting.
ROVER
BEATRICE
Take a left here!
BARTY
That’s a chasm! I’m not taking a left into a chasm!
BEATRICE
Well you can go over the chasm if you drive fast enough! What are you, a granny?!
BARTY
Over the chasm?! Are you listening to yourself?
BEATRICE
I am listening to myself. We have to go where there isn’t dirt!
ALBERTA
Guys. I think I just realized something.
BEATRICE AND BARTY
What is it?!
ALBERTA
Um, well, I think back at the base, um, I think I left my door open. Can you check, please? It’s an emergency, you need to check if—I think I left one of the computers running and I didn’t save a game of chess I was playing.
Silence except for the rover’s engine.
BARTY
Uh—
BEATRICE
You brought this!?
BARTY
Ugh… fine, I’ll go over the chasm!
All three scream as Barty floors the accelerator.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
SEAN HOWARD
Okay, let’s do this! The one with the… the north pole expedition?
MICHAEL DIVINSKY
Uh, the pole expedition. I don’t want to constrain us to the north.
KRISTI BOULTON
Ah ha…
SEAN HOWARD
The pole expedition.
PHIL JOHNSTON
Yeah. We gotta expedite that pole.
MICHAEL DIVINSKY
Nice.
PHIL JOHNSTON
I mean, explore the pole.