303: Hydroponics

Beatrice is assigned a difficult task. Alberta helps out the Director.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.

Content warning: death, murder, shooting, car crashes, animal attacks, explosions and panic.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

READY ROOM

The door slides open and Beatrice walks in.

ROBERT

Beatrice, thank you for coming in.

BEATRICE

Uh—

ROBERT

Please don’t sit down.

(silence—he laughs at his little joke)

BEATRICE

No, I got it, sir.

ROBERT

(clears his throat)

Um, I have a work order for you. I’m afraid we’re running low on security personnel. I’m not sure why…

MONTAGE OF RADIO TRANSMISSIONS

Sound of a motor sputtering and failing to start.

SECURITY STAFF 1 (PLAYED BY PHIL JOHNSTON)

(whining)

Aw, I fell into a ditch! Oh no! I’m done for.

A burst of static.

On board another vehicle, with the engine idling.

SECURITY STAFF 2 (PLAYED BY MICHAEL DIVINSKI)

Rodriguez. There’s a chasm blocking our path.

SECURITY STAFF 3 (PLAYED BY KRISTI BOULTON)

(English accent)

But the map says there’s no chasm. So I think we should just keep going and hope that… I think we can trust the map.

The engine revs.

SECURITY STAFF 2

Well, you’re the driver—

SECURITY STAFF 3

Oh no! There was definitely a chasm!

(screams)

SECURITY STAFF 2

That’s the last time I trust you, Rodriguez!

The sound of a crash, quickly cut off by radio static.

Birds and insects singing in the distance—and a much larger bird squawking, right up close.

SECURITY STAFF 4 (PLAYED BY PHIL JOHNSTON)

(English accent)

Terrance Peter, look out! That large bird thinks that we’re it’s chicks, and it’s swooping us awaaaay!

SECURITY STAFF 5 (TERENCE, PLAYED BY MICHAEL DIVINSKY)

How could you possibly know that that’s what it’s thinki—

They both scream. Flapping sounds and more squawking.

Crickets, and the sound of walking through leaves.

SECURITY STAFF 6 (JOHNSON, PLAYED BY KRISTI BOULTON)

All right. All right. Just going through the forest here, nothing to worry about…

SECURITY STAFF 7 (LOPEZ, PLAYED BY SEAN HOWARD)

Sorry, Johnson. I think we should check our guns again.

SECURITY STAFF 6 (JOHNSON)

All right…

(she mumbles to herself as she flips levers and cocks the gun, which powers up)

SECURITY STAFF 7 (LOPEZ)

Wait, where are you pointing—

The gun goes off. Lopez hollers and collapses.

SECURITY STAFF 6 (JOHNSON)

(panicking)

Oh no! Oh my god!

SECURITY STAFF 8 (PLAYED BY MICHAEL DIVINSKI)

Johnson? I, uh…

What—what happened to Lopez?

Johnson powers up the gun and fires again. Security Staffer 8 gasps and falls to the ground.

SECURITY STAFF 9 (PLAYED BY PHIL JOHNSTON)

Hey, has anybody seen all the guns?

Johnson shoots him too. He falls.

SECURITY STAFF 7 (LOPEZ)

(gasps)

I’m still alive! I… just… please…

Johnson shoots him again.

SECURITY STAFF 8

(gasps out)

Et tu… Johnson…

He slumps to the ground.

Silence.

SECURITY STAFF 6 (JOHNSON)

Well, that’s sorted.

Radio static.

READY ROOM

ROBERT

Alright, so Beatrice, I need you to head out to the Hydroponics with Engineering today.

BEATRICE

(nervous)

Um, you… you want me to take the hover cart all the way over to Hydroponics?

ROBERT

Well no, you’re gonna walk. The hovercarts are all in use. But there is a directive from yourself, head of Security, that no workgroup should be going out without someone from security and a red shirt. The red shirt’s from me, ha ha.

BEATRICE

(stammering)

Sir, I am—I am Director of Security and I think I should stay here to manage—

ROBERT

And you are the only person left, so I am giving you a direct order to head out with this next workgroup—

BEATRICE

Sir, there are still some troops that we could recall back who are scouting, I mean currently we, we could have someone else go out. I can call Johnson back. He has a great rapport with all of the other scouts. I mean—

A crackle of static

BARTY

(over the communicator)

Sir, I just wanted to report—the Security personnel were taking too long, so we have arrived at the base for the hydroponic farm, and we will be beginning work immediately. Over and out.

ROBERT

I’m sorry—sorry, Bartholomew. This is Director Tinsley. There will be no work started until Security arrives. Over.

BARTY

Director, work has already begun. This is pretty well a runaway train at this point. I’d say we’d best just carry on. If you can’t send anybody, don’t worry.

ROBERT

Ahem. Bartholomew, we are sending a security personnel immediately. You are not authorized to do work without Security in proximity.

BARTY

I’m very aware of my authorizations, Director.

ROBERT

(whispers)

Was that sarcastic?

BARTY

No. I’m aware of them.

ROBERT

I was asking Beatrice.

BEATRICE

I-I-I guess, there’s—

ROBERT

I really can’t tell with him when he’s being sarcastic and when he’s not.

BEATRICE

Well, I guess to be safe, I have to go. I have to—I have to go…

ROBERT

Great.

BEATRICE

…there.

ROBERT

Uh huh. Yep. Yeah, the Hydroponics building is brand new. You can’t miss it. It’s a couple hundred yards from the command center.

BEATRICE

Okay, sir, I-I will go. Thank you.

ROBERT

Perfect. Thank you. Beatrice.

Music sting.

MIDROLL

SECURITY

Hey Johnson.

JOHNSON

Yeah.

SECURITY

Have you been noticing that a lot of us redshirts, we’re, um, dyin’ off pretty fast

JOHNSON

You know, I’ve been thinkin’ that. It’s almost like they put a red shirt on us just to indicate that we’re expendable.

SECURITY

Yeah! And they tell us that it’s a green shirt when it’s clearly red!

JOHNSON

I don’t know about that part.

SECURITY

Oh.

JOHNSON

You related to the Director?

SECURITY

So, heh, yeah, Beano, I was thinking maybe if we did like a bake sale or something, we could raise money for like, I dunno, armour or something that would—

JOHNSON

Cool! No, yeah, like red armour.

SECURITY

Yeah, you know?

JOHNSON

Yeah! That’s good.

SECURITY

And maybe like a weapon so we could defend ourselves?

JOHNSON

A red weapon!

KRISTI BOULTON

If you want to support our team and help them not die horrible deaths, head to patreon.com/civilizedpod—and not only will you help them get armour and not die, you’ll also get things like mini-episodes, and all kinds of behind-the-scenes stuff from the creators of Civilized.

SECURITY

Hey! Look! We got our first grenades!

JOHNSON

Nice!

SECURITY

Here, catch!

He throws the grenade, accidentally pulling the pin as he does. Johnson catches it.

SECURITY

Hey, look! Part of it stayed with me on my finger!

JOHNSON

Oh.

They both scream.

Explosion.

Music sting.

CORRIDOR

Distant voices. Beatrice is pacing in front of the main door.

BEATRICE

(whispering to herself)

Okay, okay, okay. Come on, Beatrice. Come on. Come on, you’re gonna be fine. Let’s go.

Okay, got your gun, your stupid red shirt… stupid… walking out in the middle of nowhere with a stupid…

(deep breath)

Okay. Okay. You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine. Just open the door. Just open the door. Just leave the base.

Just open the door. Just leave the base. Just press the button and open the door. Press the button and open the door to leave the base. You are going to press the button. Just press it. JUST PRESS IT.

(seethes and paces)

Press the button press the button press the button. Okay. This is stupid. This is stupid. This is stupid.

(laughs)

This is fine. I’m gonna be fine. Just press the button. Just press the button.

Maybe there’s someone else who could…! No. Beatrice, you are going—

HYDROPONICS

Barty and another engineer are watching Beatrice on a security camera.

BEATRICE

(over the speaker)

You are going to go and it’s going to be fine…

(growls)

ENGINEER 1 (PLAYED BY SEAN HOWARD)

You sure we shouldn’t we be working, boss?

BARTY

Eh. Schmidt has the nutrient feed in… we’re gonna be fine.

ENGINEER 1

Oh! Wait, boss, she almost hit the button!

Silence.

ENGINEER 1

No, no, she didn’t. She didn’t do it.

BARTY

You know what? Ten bucks says she’s not gonna do it.

ENGINEER 1

Oh, we’re on. She’s a redshirt. She’s head of the redshirts! She’s going—oh, look, she’s moving towards it…

BEATRICE

(over the speaker)

Come on. Come on, Beatrice. Come on, Beatrice!

Silence.

ENGINEER 1

No, no, she’s not.

BARTY

Nope. No redshirt does the door dance like she does.

CORRIDOR

BEATRICE

Come on! Come on come on come on, Beatrice. Come on.

(she slaps herself, gasps—then sighs and mutters)

You hit yourself. Why do you think that wouldn’t hurt? Of course it’s gonna hurt, you hit yourself.

HYDROPONICS

On the screen, Beatrice goes on berating herself in a low voice.

BARTY

She—she just hit herself.

ENGINEER 1

(laughing)

I don’t think she did. Boss, there’s no way she hit herself.

BARTY

No, she just, she hit herself and then she like, shook it off. Like she didn’t expect it to hurt—

From the screen’s speaker, the sound of a slap.

ENGINEER 1

Boss! She just hit herself again!

BARTY

Oh!

CORRIDOR

BEATRICE

C’mon, Beatrice! Come on, Beatrice, come on, Beatrice!

(another slap)

Come on!

You can do this. You can do this. You can do this! Sure. Everyone else that you’ve sent out has died, save for five or ten people, but you know, you’ll just train new ones. You’ll just train new ones—sure, this is a weird world that you don’t understand. But you can step outside the door. You can step outside the door. You were a scout once, you can be a scout again—sure, that was when you were on Earth and you were just a forest ranger, but that doesn’t mean that you are not prepared for this. Come on, girl, come on come on come on you can do this—I can’t do it, I can’t!—yes you can! You can do it!

HYDROPONICS

ENGINEER 1

Boss, I’m just gonna give you the creds. I can’t sit here anymore. I got to go to the bathroom and do things. It’s been an hour! This is crazy.

BARTY

You know what? I’m actually working on a new theory. I think she might have an imaginary friend.

ENGINEER 2 (PLAYED BY PHIL JOHNSTON)

Yeah, boss. You spend so much time watching Beatrice.

Silence.

BARTY

…I decline to comment.

ENGINEER 1

Ha ha! He’s got a good point! A bit of a thing going on there. He’s got a good point!

He and Barty laugh for a moment.

BARTY

Back to the plants.

ENGINEER 1

Yeah, boss.

ENGINEER 2

I’m gonna go get the nutrient paste.

Music sting.

CORRIDOR

Beatrice is still pacing.

BEATRICE

(sighs, whispers)

You know if you don’t do this, Bartholomew is going to rub it in your face. You know he’s there. You know he’s there and everyone’s waiting for you. It’s been an hour. Come on. You can do this. And the more you wait, the worse it gets—

Okay! Okay, that’s it. I’m pressing the button. We’re going to do it on 3. 3, 2, 1—I meant backwards. I’m going to do it on on 3 as in 1-2-3. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. Okay. Okay, here we go. Psych it up. Psych it up. Here we go!

ROBERT

Hey, there you are, Beatrice!

I’m sorry, Miss Brass.

BEATRICE

Sir, sir. Yes, sir. Sir. Yes. Hi.

ROBERT

Great job today. The crews made it back. Everything was great. Well done! I just want to commend you for a job well done. I’m really impressed.

BEATRICE

Um—

ROBERT

And you’re still here making sure they’ve all come through correct and back inside in good order.

Impressive work, Beatrice. Impressive work.

BEATRICE

Um. Thank you, sir… It’s nice to know you keep such a close watch on us.

ROBERT

Yeah! Well, you know, someone’s got to stay here and monitor things. And I have good trust in my people.

BEATRICE

Th-thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sir.

ROBERT

You’re welcome. Impressive. And your uniform is still perfectly pressed.

BEATRICE

(anxious laugh)

ROBERT

Look at that.

BEATRICE

Thank you, sir.

ROBERT

Really well done. Not a drop of dust on you. I wish everyone could just hold the standards that you hold. It’s just impressive.

BEATRICE

Thank you, sir.

The main door to the outside grinds open and Barty strolls in.

BARTY

Ah, Director. Oh, and Miss Brass. I just wanted to thank you for accompanying our team today. I think your hands-off approach was exactly what we needed.

ROBERT

Hah! I love seeing my team work well together. I’ll see you all at the briefing room in the morning.

Robert walks away down the corridor.

BEATRICE

Uh… Dr. Bridges…

Thank you.

BARTY

(mimicking her hushed tone)

Miss Brass… You’re welcome.

And may I just say… the way the fluorescents hit your hair? As you’re contemplating the scourge of the button? Is very flattering.

BEATRICE

I… I…

BARTY

See you in the morning.

He walks away as well.

BEATRICE

(whispers)

Oh god.

Music sting.

READY ROOM

The door slides open.

ROBERT

Please come in, Alberta. You can come in.

Alberta walks in, unrolling cables as he goes.

ALBERTA

Thank you… Yeah, I’m just gonna start laying some cables down.

(hums)

Cables, cables…

ROBERT

I really want to thank you for helping me with my computer. I really appreciate it.

ALBERTA

What was the problem? You said you’re having?

ROBERT

Well—

ALBERTA

With your computer?

ROBERT

Yes—

ALBERTA

I brought all these cables.

ROBERT

Well—

Like, so many cables.

ROBERT

I think it’s great you brought all these cables. I’m just sort of having trouble… opening files.

ALBERTA

Ok, just hold on to this cable first. I’m just gonna have to—oh, this is a heavy cable job. How many files can you open at once?

ROBERT

Well, I’ve yet to figure out how to open one. I’m sure it’s something I’m doing wrong.

ALBERTA

(still busy with the cables)

I’m probably gonna need to take your computer for a month.

ROBERT

Um, okay—

ALBERTA

Maybe two.

ROBERT

Well, okay, that’s fine. If you just make it so it opens files, that would be great. So I could, you know, do my job.

ALBERTA

Of course, Director. As Director of IT it is my job to direct the direction of the internal technologies in their direction.

ROBERT

Yes. And if you could just, um, you know, not mention this to anyone, um, that would be great. Just between us, you know, small technical glitch, I’m sure.

Alberta pokes a couple of random keys.

ALBERTA

Yes, no, of course. This is clearly a virus.

ROBERT

Ah, perfect, a virus. Yes, thank you.

Alberta starts disassembling the computer.

ALBERTA

Can I leave all these cables here? I really don’t want to have to carry them back downstairs.

ROBERT

Well, no—

The door slides open as Alberta carries the computer out.

ALBERTA

Thank you!

ROBERT

Wait, can I set these down?

ALBERTA

(over his shoulder)

No, you gotta keep holding on to them!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.

Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

POST-CREDITS

MICHAEL DIVINSKI

And may I just say, it was Phil and Sean who introduced the premise that there would be a thing between us.

KRISTI BOULTON

Yes! That was you two!

Laughter.

PHIL JOHNSTON

You’re literally—you’re doing it. But okay.

KRISTI BOULTON

We’re not, though!

PHIL JOHNSTON

Why else would you watch someone and have a flirty back-and-forth?

KRISTI BOULTON

Because he enjoys her pain.

Laughter.