There’s more bad news at the base – but for young whiz kid Alberta Langley, there might be a silver lining.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music: Eli Hamada McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: death, animal attacks and intense stupidity.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
ALBERTA’S LAB
The whirring of many computer fans. The door slides open and Beatrice enters.
From a speaker at the other end of the room comes a click like a piece hitting a game board, and a little synthesized fanfare.
BEATRICE
Hello? Um, Mr. Langley? Are you here?
ALBERTA
(played by Phil Johnston—young, distracted, recognizably similar to Al’s voice)
Yeah, yeah, over here. Ah, one second. Oh boy. Ahhh, okay.
Another click and another fanfare.
ALBERTA
Uh yeah, okay.
Beatrice walks up.
BEATRICE
Sorry. Are you playing chess?
ALBERTA
Yes. A lot of games at once though. So it’s kind of—
He makes another move. Click.
ALBERTA
if you don’t pay attention, he’s gonna sneak up on you and then you’re in check. Or mate?
BEATRICE
“He”?
BARTY
(over the intercom)
Keep your eye on board number nine.
BEATRICE
(mutters)
You would be playing with Bartholomew.
ALBERTA
Who did you send to distract me? Bartholomew, you’re tricky!
He goes on playing.
BEATRICE
I have not been sent as a distraction. I hope I would not be used in such a manner. Mr. Langley, you are to report to the director’s office immediately.
BARTY
Is that Beatrice?!
A click and a more dramatic fanfare.
ALBERTA
Oh, nooo!
(sighs)
I lost.
BEATRICE
Hello, Dr. Bridges. You too are being asked to report to the director’s office. I was on my way to your office, but it seems that I’ve caught you both… using valuable work time well.
BARTY
Come on, you’re sure you’re not just there to help me win the game, distract the kid a little bit? I mean, I was amazed at his talent.
I appreciate it. I like it when you do that. I like this quid pro quo we have going on.
ALBERTA
And I’m only an intern, so—
BEATRICE
Can you both please report to the director’s office.
She walks out but pauses in the doorway.
BEATRICE
Also, Bartholomew, if you move knight to D4, you will be in checkmate.
BARTY
No that’s—Oh.
Music sting.
BRIEFING ROOM
The door slides open.
ROBERT
Yes, come in, please, Beatrice.
BEATRICE
Thank you for only setting up two chairs. I will take my space against the wall.
ROBERT
I expect as much. Thank you so much for agreeing to go and deliver that message. I really just don’t want to use the intercom. I keep getting shocked and until it’s fixed, I really appreciate you doing that.
BEATRICE
Well, that might be a new process for—
The door slides open again.
ALBERTA
(from outside)
Should we just keep standing outside the door or should we come inside after you?
ROBERT
Please open the door, Beatrice.
BEATRICE
The door is open, sir.
ALBERTA
It is open. I just don’t know. Should we come in or do we wait outside?
ROBERT
Please come in. Thank you.
BEATRICE
You’d think corners wouldn’t scare people.
ROBERT
Thank you, Langley, if you could just have a seat. Bartholomew, are you out there? Bridges? Mr. Bridg—Doctor—
BARTY
Barty’s fine.
ROBERT
Dr. Bridges. Please come in.
Barty strolls in, and the door shuts.
BARTY
Yeah, I’m here. Hey, I was going to come in. But I like the kid’s idea. Maybe we’re not supposed to! An open door doesn’t mean an open invitation. I like the cut of his jib.
ROBERT
I get the sense that you’re being sarcastic right now.
BARTY
That’s just my voice. It’s tough to tell.
ROBERT
Right. If you could please just have a seat.
BARTY
Of course. I’d looooove to have a seat.
ROBERT
That was definitely sarcastic.
BARTY
See, it wasn’t though, because I was trying to make my point. Right? Because I would love to have a seat! It’s only weirdos who don’t want to take a—
ROBERT
Please sit down.
BARTY
Okay.
ROBERT
I don’t know why I have to keep doing this. This way… Langley. Can I call you Alberta or—?
ALBERTA
Yes, Director.
ROBERT
Okay. Alberta. Your scores on your last personnel test were exceptional. Which is a good thing, but almost too exceptional for a 12-year-old. I don’t know how to say this, I guess…
I don’t know what to do, Beatrice! Should I—? The tape is gruesome. I don’t know if I want to—
BEATRICE
Mr. Langley, it appears that your direct superior had gone missing about five days ago, as you well know. On a scouting mission this morning my team… found his remains.
ALBERTA
No… not again!
BEATRICE
Yes, again. Unfortunately, we have a tape that we think you should hear in order to better understand the situation and its importance.
ROBERT
I should warn you that it’s not just your director that was missing and found—it was everyone else in your department.
He starts the tape.
A BIG ROCK IN THE WILDERNESS
Insects sing in the distance, and large dog-like creatures bark.
IT PERSON 1 (PHIL)
(big dumb voice)
So, okay, okay guys, IT, we’re going to have a big fun IT camping trip out on this big rock. C’mon, everybody!
(sings)
Doh doh doh, doh doh doh…
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
(big slightly less-dumb voice)
I don’t know, are you sure we’re supposed to be doing this?
IT PERSON 1 (PHIL)
Oh, do you see those big happy dogs? Let’s go give them hugs! They’re so nice to be friends with!
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
(nerdy, nervous voice)
Um, we’ve talked before to the manager of Security and she’s badly expressed that it’s probably not a great idea to approach things like this.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
Yeah, yeah, I don’t know if we do that without running some analysis, you know, we can maybe render it all in 3d first and then go in and pet them—
IT DIRECTOR (MIKE)
(gruff voice)
Guys, guys. I’m your director. And I just have to say, petting the dogs is a fantastic idea.
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
I just gotta say, in every D&D campaign that I ever played I just learned that you’re not really supposed to go up to wild animals unless you’ve done a check to see their Constitution.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
Nerrrd!
IT DIRECTOR (MIKE)
This is a direct IT order: roll for petting.
IT PERSON 1 (PHIL)
This is our chance to show we’re not nerds!
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
Hey, listen, we’re not nerds. We just snuck out from all the Security in the base.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
That’s because I shut down all the protocols!
They all laugh.
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
(whispers)
And I turned off all the cameras.
They all laugh.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
Wait, does that mean nobody knows we’re out here?
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
That’s the point!
IT PERSON 1 (PHIL)
And I locked the doors from the outside.
A deep, threatening growl, growing closer.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
Oh, look, one of them’s coming over. It looks sort of friendly…?
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
Well, that’s weird. Would you say that looks a bit like a hybrid of a wolf, and a lion?
IT DIRECTOR (MIKE)
A wion?
IT DIRECTOR AND IT PERSON 3
A lolf.
IT PERSON 2 (SEAN)
I like “wion” better. I think it’s a little—AAAAAARGH!
One of the creatures leaps forward and begins tearing him to shreds.
IT PERSON 3 (KRISTI)
Oh my god, Jenkins—AAAAAGH!
IT PERSON
I think I’ll be okay if I pet its tail—AAAAARGH!
More fearsome growls and rending sounds.
IT DIRECTOR (MIKE)
(gasps)
The roll was unsuccessful.
Music sting.
MIDROLL
Soothing electronic music.
ROBERT
Ah, Alberta. Thank you for coming in to meet me. Have a seat—whoa, are you okay to sit? Are you feeling okay? How’s the arms?
ALBERTA
I’ve made a miraculous recovery, sir!
ROBERT
Ah! That’s great. Have a seat. As you know, um, you’ve been here almost a year as our youngest rising star. It’s time for your review.
ALBERTA
Oh no! What? You didn’t give me any warning? You’re just going to review me out of nowhere?! Oh god…
ROBERT
No, uh, sorry Alberta, calm down, calm down—
ALBERTA
I’ll review you!
ROBERT
Uh, Alberta, ha ha, no, put down the stapler. Okay.
ALBERTA
(huffs)
ROBERT
Sorry, we’re not doing the review right now. See, this is what we call a “360 review”. It’s a very important process by which your team gets to give you feedback from which we base your review.
ALBERTA
Oh, this I want. I like this. I would like a lot of this, from everyone.
ROBERT
Oh!
ALBERTA
I would like as many reviews as possible.
ROBERT
Well, yes! Because this will help us validate where you’re strong and—and maybe where you need some work.
MIKE (OUT OF CHARACTER)
So please, as Alberta’s team, help him out. Leave a review on Podchaser or Apple Podcasts, and let’s get him through his 360.
BRIEFING ROOM
Robert stops the tape.
ALBERTA
Oh, wow, you’re right. That was really gruesome. I forgot everyone I worked with were so lame.
BEATRICE
Well—
ALBERTA
And that they died. That also is sad.
BEATRICE
Yes. I was about to say that. The next 10 minutes of footage is just munching and crunching on bones.
ROBERT
Yes. We won’t be playing that.
ALBERTA
I would prefer to have watched that.
ROBERT
Well, that’s a strange response…
BARTY
I think I prefer “wion”.
ROBERT
Thank you, Bartholomew. So Alberta, I would like to ask you; you’re clearly too young to be promoted to director, so if you could maybe just let me know… who you feel else within our organization, would be the most suitable to step in as director of IT.
ALBERTA
Well, there’s no one else in the IT department. Uh… there is no one else who is trained in a computer background. And there’s no one else who knows all the passwords.
ROBERT
Well, those are—
ALBERTA
So it’s gotta be me.
BEATRICE
(quietly)
That’s a fair point about the passwords, sir.
ROBERT
Really?
ALBERTA
There’s a lot of different passwords. We didn’t write them down.
ROBERT
How was that our protocol, that only a 12-year-old knows our passwords, Beatrice?!
BEATRICE
It wasn’t just that a 12-year-old knew all the passwords, everyone else knew the passwords but somehow they got out—because of their IT-ness, they got past my guard and found themselves outside in unsafe territory and now all we have left is Mr. Langley. So I’m not sure what do you want me to do, sir. Okay? I’m not sure—I upped the hours that my team are spending, they’re already sleep deprived as it is—
ROBERT
Uh, yes—
BEATRICE
—and now we have to go watch for a bunch of bodies that are mangled and torn apart. This was totally avoidable if it wasn’t for his team, but he seems to be the only one who was responsible enough to stay back.
ROBERT
Yes, thank you—
ALBERTA
Director… yes, it’s true. I’m 12 years old. And yes, it’s true that I’ve never been kissed. But do you even know what a wide area network access point is?
ROBERT
Actually, of course, I—of course I know what a wide area network is, um… Well! So, uh, Director of Security, please be careful of the… the lolfs? when you’re out there collecting the remains…
BEATRICE
(scoffs)
Yes, sir. Obviously. Had a scout gone with the team, we would have been able to see that the area was unsafe.
ROBERT
Yes. We… we should instigate that protocol at once. Please. I would like that on my desk in the morning. No leaving the base without someone from Security.
Right. Ahem. Bartholomew, you’ve been very quiet. What is your department’s recommendation in this situation?
BARTY
(dramatic)
Oh, I’m just contemplating what hell it will be to only be able to leave the base… with a member of Security.
BEATRICE
Sir.
ROBERT
That’s not the point in question. Bartholomew, we’re talking about who is going to best run the IT department. Uh, perhaps we could roll the IT department into engineering?
BARTY
Hmm!
BEATRICE
Do you really think it wise to give Mr. Bridges more responsibility, sir? He seems so… full with all this other business.
BARTY
Yeah, and clearly Security is nailing it. Do you need me to play the tape again?
BEATRICE
Sir!
BARTY
Give the kid a chance.
Silence.
ROBERT
Really! You’re gonna—? Okay.
BARTY
I’ll watch over him, but give him the department.
BEATRICE
I’m not saying I agree with everything Mr. Bridges ever says…
ROBERT
That’s clear…
BEATRICE
But in this instance, we are of the same mind.
ROBERT
Okay. Very well. Uh, I will make my decision in the morning. Thank you all for attending this meeting. Langley, thank you for, uh, your service. Ensign Langley, as of this moment, you are at this moment Acting Director, IT. Please update your uniform accordingly.
BEATRICE
Now if you wouldn’t mind, if this meeting is adjourned… I have bodies to clean up.
She starts for the door.
ROBERT
Actually, if everyone—this meeting is adjourned, but actually if I could keep you for a moment, Beatrice—I’m sorry, Miss Brass—I have something to discuss with you.
Alberta and Barty head out into the corridor.
ALBERTA
If you become my boss, will you let me put my brain in a robot?
BARTY
We’ll put that on the backburner, kid. But hey, congratulations. I’m sure you’ll earn it.
ALBERTA
Thanks, Barty.
BARTY
Bishop to D4.
The door closes behind them.
ROBERT
Ah, yes. Ah, thank you for your recommendation. I did not expect you to support him running that department. But, um—
BEATRICE
Well, sir, he might be green but it doesn’t mean that he’s not going to do well. I mean, I’m not sure how he’ll mature under the tutelage of Mr. Bridges, but…
ROBERT
Well, that’s part of what I want to talk to you about. I would like you to please keep an eye on his department, ensure that we’re following proper protocols.
Now, speaking of protocols, I’ve been thinking about uniforms. I know, I know, I know…
BEATRICE
Uniforms, sir?
ROBERT
Yes. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “But our uniforms are fine as they are.” But, but… imagine if we could see who was in Security at a distance. Imagine if we could look out our window like this one right here. And I could see what work units did not have Security with them!
BEATRICE
Um… all right—
ROBERT
I can look out there and see at a glance—ah! No one in that group is wearing a green shirt! So I know Security is not out there.
So I had these drafted up this morning. Look at these!
He punches up a file on a computer terminal.
ROBERT
I give you… the new green Security shirts.
Sexy, huh?
Silence.
BEATRICE
Is this a test? It feels like a test.
ROBERT
Well, no, no, not really. Well, you know, ha ha, I did work all night. It is a test of, I want to see, you know, if we’re on the same wavelength…
BEATRICE
These are… green shirts?
ROBERT
Yes. Yes. Bright green.
BEATRICE
Um… am I supposed to agree with you? Or do you want me to disagree here? Because they are. I mean, they are clearly…
ROBERT
Well, I admire your actual opinion! So I would like you to speak freely.
BEATRICE
Ah. Well, sir, these are clearly red.
ROBERT
What?
BEATRICE
…these are red shirts.
ROBERT
Ah! Right! Of course they are. Of course, I was testing you…
BEATRICE
Oh! Ha ha ha.
ROBERT
Sharp, so sharp.
BEATRICE
Ha. I don’t really see the point of the test… but my loyalty is true. If that’s what this is about.
ROBERT
Yes. So we’ll just get these red shirts on to Security. And then we will know immediately. And if anybody says they saw someone in a green shirt, we know they’re against us.
BEATRICE
Um…
ROBERT
Ahem. Clearly, that’s what I was attempting to do.
BEATRICE
Yes, sir.
ROBERT
I’ll just leave these with you.
BEATRICE
I’ll… let my team know.
ROBERT
Thank you.
BEATRICE
Thank you.
Music sting.
CORRIDOR
Footsteps approach.
BARTY
And there she goes! Look at fashion icon head of Security Beatrice Brass strutting down the hallway in her fine new red shirt.
BEATRICE
Mr. Bridges, I thought I told you to stop narrating me.
BARTY
…she utters to no one, looking around the hallway as if having a narrator who is so fine and handsome with such a melodious voice doesn’t add an awful lot to her life. She goes on unappreciative; he nevertheless pats himself on the back.
BEATRICE
(marching away)
And this is why I didn’t want to wear red!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli Hamada McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
KRISTI BOULTON
Okay.
SEAN HOWARD
Keep going.
KRISTI BOULTON
(laughing)
I just couldn’t figure out—
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
Just because you were hedging on telling him that he was wrong, I was going to be Barty walking by in the hallway going, “Love the red shirt, boss!” and then just keep on walking.
(laughs)
SEAN HOWARD
So let’s do you guys meeting in the hall after, you’re outside.
KRISTI BOULTON
Okay.
SEAN HOWARD
Or later, yeah.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
Oh, we’re meeting.
KRISTI BOULTON
I’m… confused?
(laughs)
What is happening here?
SEAN HOWARD
We just need a denouement. We need something. Who wants to meet Beatrice in her new red shirt?