Beatrix, Bob and Bartholomew bond over board games.
Presenting our first remote-recorded episode! Our cast have been stuffing themselves into attics, closets and lean-tos made of mattresses, and we’re getting the hang of improv online. Even more excitingly, we’ve just had our first remote session with a special guest, and we can’t wait to bring you those episodes. Remote or not, it’s good to be back!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: arguing, unsanitary habits, implied threats.
AL
Oh hey! It’s me, Al! Sorry, I was just going through some old memories—my “forgotten echoes”. I gotta clear out my memory banks every so often, otherwise I start to go a little loopy and I can’t remember anything.
Music sting.
KITCHEN
Something is frying on the stove. Bob hums to himself as he cooks.
The door opens and Barty walks in.
BOB
Oh, hi, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey, Bob. Uh, I don’t want to keep harping on about this, it feels like I’ve been saying this a lot, but I do prefer “Bartholomew”.
BOB
Yeah, I know.
The kitchen door opens again and Beatrix walks in carrying a box, which rattles.
BEATRIX
Gentlemen, I heard your stoic silence from the hallway and I wanted to interrupt it with this thing that I found! I believe it’s called a board game. It says, um, “MO-NO-PO-LY” on the front. So I dunno, I thought maybe we could have a bonding experience and we could play together! There’s lots of pieces.
BOB
I guess couldn’t hurt anything, could it, Barty?
BARTHOLOMEW
(exhales)
Bartholomew. Um, I don’t know, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Aw!
BARTHOLOMEW
I’ve played that game before. In fact… we all have.
BEATRIX
No! I don’t have any recollection of that whatsoever! In fact, Bartholomew, you’ve played it before. You can explain the rules to me because they just don’t make that much sense.
Music sting.
FLASHBACK: THE HUT
Birds sing in the distance. Bartholomew is shuffling paper money.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t want to take away anyone else’s choice and I’m willing to reconsider, but I would very much like to be the horse and rider icon.
The door opens and Bob enters.
BOB
(grim)
Are you two still playing that game?
BEATRIX
I mean, yeah, it’s it’s the really the only game that we have access to, Bob.
BARTHOLOMEW
It has a monopoly on our board game playing.
BEATRIX
Yeah, I would like to continue to be the thimble, please? I really enjoy the thimble.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, well, Bob, if you’d like to join us, we’re starting the best of 15 match now, but you could come in from behind, maybe.
BEATRIX
Yeah, I’m sure this game will only make our friendship and bond stronger!
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s what I’ve heard about it. It says that on the box.
BOB
What makes you think that after 14 times of saying I don’t want to play, that now suddenly I want to play on the 15th?
BEATRIX
I dunno, I thought maybe you’d stop being so, you know, up your own butt you’d actually sit down with us and play for once.
BOB
Oh, fine. You want me to be less up my own butt? Fine! Okay, I’ll just stop keeping a lookout for the creature that’s gonna kill us all and I’ll just come sit here. Here, what am I—oh look, I’m a dog.
BEATRIX
Okay! All right! Now you have to play. You’ve got a piece on the board. So you know, it’s Jumanji rules.
Bob rolls and moves.
BOB
I’m landing on Park Place. What’s that mean?
BEATRIX
That means you went backwards.
BOB
Fine. I’ll go the other direction. I’m on Connecticut Ave. What’s that mean?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, you have the option to make a purchase if you’d like. And then it’s your property and you can negotiate with it as you please.
BOB
Wait. If I own the property, does that mean no one else can come on the property?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, I mean, we can come and visit. We’d be happy to pay you some rent if we were to do that.
Bob starts hunting through the pieces in the box.
BOB
No. No, no, I want to barricade it. Where’s…? This is it? Where’s, like—there’s no barbed wire in this game? How am I supposed to protect the property if I buy it?
BEATRIX
You buy a bunch of houses that make us pay more money to come see you, which dissuades us from wanting to come see you. I mean, why wouldn’t anyone want to come see you right now? But, you know.
Silence.
BEATRIX
The purpose of the game, Bob, is to get as many of these properties as you can, so that you feel this void inside of yourself fulfilled by, you know, having more things, because apparently it’s very lonely to only be alone on your one little block that you’ve barricaded up so you can’t go outside and you can’t feel comfortable going even down to the river.
(uncomfortable laugh)
I mean, this is not mimicking real life or anything, ha ha.
BOB
Who in their right mind would buy more than one place, when we can’t even protect one place?!
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, I think it’s your turn.
Bartholomew rolls and moves.
BARTHOLOMEW
Uh, yeah. Oh, hey! I’m on Connecticut. Um—
BOB
I shoot you. Look, I’m knocking your piece over.
BEATRIX
No! That’s not—aaa!
BARTHOLOMEW
No, you’re… I think you’re playing Risk. Look, maybe we can work together, right? Like okay, maybe instead, I… oh, I didn’t land on Connecticut, I landed on Vermont.
BEATRIX
No, but that’s cheating!
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, but it’s a teachable moment. So, you know, now I have Vermont and you have Connecticut, maybe we could trade!
BOB
Why would I want to do that? You stay on your side and I’ll stay on my side. Look there’s a line right here between the two.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, maybe you and I should just invest in a property together and let Bob have his moment.
I mean, not that I want to you know, have a—a property with you.
(awkward laughter)
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, that’d be a lot of time together.
BEATRIX
Yeah, it would be a lot of… it would be a lot of time togeth—ha ha.
BOB
Do you guys need to be alone for a moment?
BEATRIX
I mean… is that an option?
BOB
Fine. I’ll be outside. And I am never playing board games ever again.
He stomps out.
BEATRIX
Fine with me!
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, we’re gonna share Connecticut anyway.
BEATRIX
(laughs)
THE KITCHEN, A DIFFERENT DAY
Bob is cooking as the door opens and Bartholomew and Beatrix enter.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey, Bob. Um… We’re playing Monopoly.
BEATRIX
I hear it’s a great game that brings people together! I thought it would be a really fun idea to have us all sit down and get to know each other a little better!
BOB
Yeah. Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah?
BOB
Yeah, let me just turn the stove off. Okay. It’ll be fine. Cool!
BARTHOLOMEW
And you’re going to participate in the joy of the experience?
BOB
Well, okay. If it’s a game, yeah, why wouldn’t I?
BEATRIX
I’m really interested to see how you two participate in an activity where we have to work together! I think it’ll be a really eye-opening experience that I look forward to very much.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. Great. Okay.
BOB
Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
So long as we’re all in this to have some fun.
BEATRIX
Well, why else would we be into it?
(chuckles)
BOB
Yeah, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay? Yup, you’re right. I just know that this game can bring out certain sides of people.
BEATRIX
What kind of… what?
BOB
Barty, it’s like you have some weird agenda going on here or something.
BARTHOLOMEW
I… well! Ha ha. Isn’t that just rich, you saying that I might have a weird agenda? I play this game in a perfectly acceptable manner.
BOB
Right, no, sorry. Okay.
Beatrix is playing with the pieces.
BEATRIX
I like this thing that fits on my finger.
BOB
That’s…
BEATRIX
It tastes like metal.
BOB
It’s a thimble. It’s a piece. Don’t—don’t eat it, Beatrix. It’s a playing piece.
BEATRIX
(spits it out)
Pleh.
BOB
Okay. Why don’t we just pick it up off the floor, Beatrix, and let’s put it here on the table.
BEATRIX
Oh! All right.
BOB
Cool.
BARTHOLOMEW
All right. I’ll be horse and rider. I’ll go first and… oh! Looks like I landed on Connecticut.
BEATRIX
Oh! That seems like a nice property.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m… I’m going to purchase it.
Silence.
BOB
Okay. Why are you staring at us? Just purchase it.
BEATRIX
Yeah! Just buy it.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m going to purchase it and then it’ll belong to me. I hope that doesn’t threaten either of you.
BOB
(laughs)
BEATRIX
You seem like you are really, um, I don’t know, invested in having this—aha! “Invested”. Because it’s an investment! Oooh, I get it. That’s why Bartholomew likes it. Double entendres!
BOB
Uh, Beatrix, where’s your piece? Beatrix? Open your mouth.
BEATRIX
(quietly)
No.
BOB
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
(mouth full)
It tastes like pennies.
BOB
(sighs)
BEATRIX
Pleh!
BOB
Beatrix, it’s your roll, so you need to put the piece down so you can roll the die.
BEATRIX
Oh, I already put another piece down. I’m just having this one in my mouth now. I like the top hat. I roll…
BOB
Okay.
BEATRIX
Oh, I’m on Connecticut too!
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! Well, I mean, it’s already mine. Um…
BEATRIX
Well, what about this? What if I invest alongside you and we can own the property together? Wouldn’t that be cute?
BOB
No, that’s… that’s not how the game works, guys. You pay rent, so you have to now pay rent to your landlord, Beatrix. You have to pay him.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, hang on, Bob. Beatrix, you want to own a property together with me?
BEATRIX
Well, yeah! In the spirit of the game, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just own a property together? We could pretend to be, you know, like we’re a real estate mogul couple who’s going around the board purchasing all of these places together. I think that would be really cute! I dunno, it might be kind of fun.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think that would be nice. And that is absolutely permitted. Let me just fold up the rules and put them in my back pocket—
BOB
No—guys! There are rules to this game! There are rules that we need to follow here, okay? So let’s just follow the rules. Beatrix, you need to pay to the fine gentleman landlord.
BEATRIX
(mouth full)
I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. The dog also tastes like pennies.
BARTHOLOMEW
This is the Enhanced Edition of the game, Bob…
BOB
Oh, is it?
BARTHOLOMEW
In these rules that I folded up and put away so that no one else can see them, it says that, uh, sharing property is permitted on… Connecticut.
BOB
Does it.
BEATRIX
Pleh.
BOB
Oh! Let me just take this pistol here and set it on the table. And why don’t we all just play nice, huh?
He slams a gun on the table.
BARTHOLOMEW
You want to use a pistol as your gaming piece?
Silence.
BEATRIX
Can I put that in my mouth?
BOB
NO!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
OUTTAKE
SEAN HOWARD (BOB)
No, you can’t put it in your mouth!
KRISTI BOULTON
Scene.
(laughs)
SEAN HOWARD
Scene!
(laughs)
Whooo! We did it!
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly production.