Happy holidays, everyone! We’ve got an unexpected bonus for you this week: we recorded it as a warmup during our most recent session and decided it was fun enough to release as its own mini-episode. And stay tuned – we’ll be back with Season 2 in mid-January!
Spoiler warning: This episode features a new character from Season 2!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Sean Howard and Phil Johnston
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: violence and death.
Music sting.
SEAN HOWARD
Hey everyone, Sean here, and I play Bob on the show, and I’m one of the producers. And this is a very special holiday episode. It wasn’t planned. So when we get together and we improvise an episode, we start with warmups. And for those warmups, we do five minute fully improvised mini-scenes with an offer from all of you. And this one was just too good to not share. So we turned it into a special episode.
Now, when you begin, you’re going to hear us warming up and then it’s going to transition into a fully sound designed episode so that you can sort of hear how we create it a bit. Now, bit of a spoiler: there is a new character you’re going to meet here from Season 2—and Season 2 is back in January. We are almost there! Season 2 of Civilized is coming.
But this was just a warmup. We didn’t expect to put it out. So it’s sort of out of order. And so you’re going to meet Al from Season 2, he’s an AI… and I won’t tell you where we are, but we’re somewhere a little different. And that’s all I’m going to say.
Anyways, enjoy the episode and we’ll talk to you all soon.
SETUP
Chattering voices.
KRISTI BOULTON
(laughing)
I don’t understand!
SEAN HOWARD
So these offers that we’re doing right now all came from our Discord. Thank you to everyone who gave us an offer.
As you all know, we use we tend to use the “Friends title”. So “The one where…” And so we’ll just—if it comes in that format, great, if not… you want to pick one, Kristi?
KRISTI BOULTON
I was thinking it’s quite timely that we do mottelz’s suggestion of “What holiday do they celebrate?” Hmm!
SEAN HOWARD
Oh, so “The one where…”
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
“…they celebrate a holiday”?
KRISTI
The holiday armadillo!
SEAN HOWARD
Right, so let’s come up with a name. “The one where they celebrate X.”
Silence.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
OK!
KRISTI BOULTON
OK, X.
SEAN HOWARD
X?
KRISTI BOULTON
Xmas.
SEAN HOWARD
Okay, X.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
(laughs)
SEAN HOWARD
“The one where they celebrate X”.
KRISTI BOULTON
(clears her throat)
Music sting.
THE KITCHEN
Shuffling cutlery and bowls.
BOB
(to himself)
I want the soufflé to be right…
(raises his voice)
Al?
A metallic beep.
AL
Yup!
BOB
Oh, hi.
Can you just double check again and make sure that this recipe is right? It just seems a little off to me.
Busy beeping noises.
AL
Okay, nope. Yep. 24 eggs. One bag of flour…
BOB
Yeah. It’s this whole milk replacement that I’m a little… concerned about.
AL
Well, powdered milk is just as fine as regular milk. And just because it was solid, and chalky, and green…
BOB
Yeah. Yeah.
AL
I don’t think anything’s gonna go wrong with it. And just because I don’t eat human food… I think you should trust my opinion more so!
BOB
Okay. Thanks Al!
AL
Believe in yourself.
BOB
I’m gonna! I’m gonna believe in myself. I’m going to make the best holiday soufflé ever!
Music sting.
ELSEWHERE
Crinkling paper and tape.
BEATRIX
(hums to herself softly)
And wrap… and a little bit of tape there. Bob and Barty are gonna love these. They’re so good.
(shouts)
Al!
Beep.
AL
Yes, yes, yes. Yes.
BEATRIX
I was wondering. Um, you and I don’t know each other super well yet? But if you were to get some holiday cheer… how would that look for you?
AL
Like if I were to be overcome with a human emotion… what would that manifest like in my processors?
BEATRIX
Something like that. Um, also though, have you ever gotten a present?
AL
Um… well, I used to get updated quite regularly. And that was like, really nice, but it’s more like being reborn as someone smarter. So like, it’s like a present of intelligence?
BEATRIX
Oh. I’m not sure I can give you that.
AL
Hmm.
BEATRIX
I mean, I could tinker at your switchboards.
AL
You know what I’ve always wanted to be able to do?
BEATRIX
Mmm?
AL
Open a microwave door.
BEATRIX
Like, just on your own?
AL
In the kitchen…
BEATRIX
Okay?
AL
In the southwestern kitchen, there’s a microwave and I can’t open it.
BEATRIX
Oh!
AL
I can’t do anything with it. It just sits there. And I would love to know what’s going on.
BEATRIX
Well, maybe I can give you the gift of… arms.
AL
(gasps)
BARTHOLOMEW’S OFFICE
The door slides open.
BOB
Hey, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob… what brings you to my office? I’m working on something rather important for X… mas.
BOB
Yeah, yeah, I don’t want to see. I just… I just need to ask you…
I just feel like Beatrix has been going all out. I’ve seen her… she’s taken over the whole bay. And she’s got all these little trinkets and stuff and all I have is a food dish, and I’m just starting to wonder, like… maybe I should be doing something more?
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m so glad you said that! I’ve been in here for two weeks just saying I’m working on something super important for Xmas—I have nothing!
BOB
Oh my god, me either.
Oh! Oh! Maybe Al, like, could spy for us. Or maybe he knows what Beatrix really wants!
The door slides open again.
BEATRIX
Hey guys! Just on my way to the south wing, but I just wanted to pop in and say, I know you’re planning something real special! I’m so excited! I’ll see you later, I’m just gonna go!
She runs off.
BARTHOLOMEW
(shouting after her)
It’s gonna be great, Beatrix!
BEATRIX
Wooo!
BOB
Super surprise!
BARTHOLOMEW
So big! All the best…
The door slides shut again.
BARTHOLOMEW
(frantic)
Aaugh! What are we gonna do?
BOB
Uh, I think—
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. Al. Al.
Beep.
AL
Hey, guys, Al here. It’s me.
BARTHOLOMEW
Al, ummmm….
BOB
What’s Beatrix really want?
AL
Well, for like the past two weeks, Beatrix has just been saying over and over again in like a beautiful singsong voice: “All I want for Xmas is my best friends to follow through again…”
I don’t know what that means.
(silence)
She’s got her hopes really, umm… high? That’s what she said, “high”. High hopes.
BOB
Do you remember when we built the house?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, that was great. She loved that.
BOB
Or you played in the mud?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, that was good.
BOB
Al, do we have mud?
AL
(cheerfully)
No!
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. She likes spots.
BOB
Spots… special spots! A secret place!
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah!
BOB
But how do we give her her own secret place?
Music sting.
THE SOUTH WING
Beatrix skips down a corridor, singing. Al accompanies her with out-of-tune beeps and occasional interjections.
BEATRIX
(sings)
All I want for Christmas, is my friends to follow through
My expectations are high
AL
(chimes in)
High!
BEATRIX
They all depend on you…
AL
On you!
BEATRIX
All I want for Chr—
Oh, here we are!
A door slides open, and Beatrix enters the southwest kitchen.
BEATRIX
I like your humming, thanks for that Al!
AL
Oh. Thanks.
BEATRIX
I never really had someone else to sing with, that was really lovely.
AL
We can harmonize.
BEATRIX
Mmm hmm! Okay, microwave!
AL
Microwave!
Beatrix wanders around the room.
BEATRIX
Okay, so I see it. I’m looking at it. I’m visualizing it.
AL
Yeah, it’s like… it’s the size of a breadbox.
BEATRIX
It is the size of a bread box.
AL
It’s black.
BEATRIX
Black!
AL
And has a giant large red alarm on it.
BEATRIX
Mmm! That says “Don’t Touch Me”.
AL
And wires. And it says “Do Not Touch”.
BEATRIX
“Do not touch”.
AL
Mmm.
BEATRIX
But I wanna touch.
AL
(softly)
Touch it. Touch it for me.
BEATRIX
(sings)
I’ve got high expectations…
Okay, here we go.
Music sting.
THE POD ROOM
BOB
So first of all, we killed Beatrix.
Way to go, Al!
AL
Hey guys! I don’t understand death or nothin’!
BOB
And then we surprised her with paperwork and—
BARTHOLOMEW
I always like it!
BOB
Yeah… and a soufflé that killed her again.
Thanks again for that, Al!
AL
Again, I don’t understand the mortal coil that you find yourself resting on! I don’t understand it! So I can’t be held to blame. No!
BOB
I should know green soufflé is not a good…
AL
Yeah, come on.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, hang on. Positive spin, guys. Think positive! I’m going to fix this with some positive thinking. You ready for the positive? Let’s drop the positive.
AL
Yeah! Yeah! Drop it.
BARTHOLOMEW
Her reiterating pod is kind of like her spot.
BOB
Well, she hasn’t left it in a week.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, we keep sending her back.
Beatrix’s pod beeps and hisses open. She yawns and stretches, and slowly steps out.
BEATRIX
Hmm! Feels like something special is happening?
But also I awake filled with fear.
Bartholomew strides over and switches on a nasty-sounding power tool.
BARTHOLOMEW
Merry Christmas, Beatrix!!
BEATRIX
(screams)
She runs off, with Bartholomew in pursuit.
AL
Oh nooo!
OUTRO
SEAN HOWARD
Scene!
Laughter all around.
SEAN HOWARD
It’s a great Christmas bonus that I want to put out at Christmas now! But Bob’s not back yet.
KRISTI BOULTON
It was supposed to be “Merry Xmas, Beatrix.”
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
All right.
SEAN HOWARD
Do that again.
ELI MCILVEEN
You said “Christmas” several times.
SEAN HOWARD
Okay, so let’s…
PHIL JOHNSTON
(laughs)
KRISTI BOULTON
(laughs)
Fuck.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
I started saying “Christmas” once you started saying “Christmas”…
SEAN HOWARD
Yeah, you said it.
KRISTI BOULTON
Did I say “Christmas”?
PHIL JOHNSTON
Yeah, I started saying Christmas too.
KRISTI BOULTON
Aaa, never mind, it’s Christmas.
SEAN HOWARD
It’s okay, it’s a bonus, it’s fine. It’s a bonus.
BEATRIX
(laughing)
We’re from the Earth—we’re from “Yurth”, it’s fine.
SEAN HOWARD
(sighs)
KRISTI BOULTON
(sings)
All I want for Christmas is my friends to follow through…
EVERYONE
I’ve got high expectations that all depend on you…
Laughter.
SEAN HOWARD
That’s our new theme song.
PHIL JOHNSTON
It does sound like a real Christmas song, or at least that’s the vibe behind a lot of them.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
It’s gotta be a ring tone.
SEAN HOWARD
We are going to do a Civilized musical episode. It’s coming. Okay.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.