The crew are having some trouble adjusting to ANDI’s presence in the base. Meanwhile, Bob tries on a certain mysterious helmet.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Special guest: Dan Lovley (hear more of ANDI on the podcast Marsfall!)
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: invasion of privacy, jump scares, panic, minor injuries.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
OFFICE
Bartholomew opens and closes a file drawer.
BARTHOLOMEW
ANDI, can I just say… I had my doubts at first, but the improvements that you’ve made to my filing system have really made this a lot easier to work with. I didn’t think I could get to my R2 forms any quicker—but now, they’re just right there! Everything is.
ANDI
I’m so happy to help you out, Bartholomew, and I have noticed that your collation skills are pretty impressive.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! Well, thank you. No one’s ever complimented me on my collation I, it’s actually something I pride myself on a lot. I, um…
(sniffs)
Sorry, allergies. Just—I appreciate that.
ANDI
I’m happy to help in any way.
You know, I’ve noticed that while I’ve been here, you may or may not have been talking as much to Al and I think that he might be feeling maybe a bit jealous, just a tad, and I don’t want him to feel resentful of me.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! I see. You’re saying that perhaps he’s having a morale management issue? I can’t believe you noticed that even before I did!
ANDI, you’re just the best. I’ll speak to Al now.
Hey, Al!
A lethargic beep.
AL
Uh, yeah. What, Barty?
BARTHOLOMEW
Listen, I was just speaking with ANDI, and he had a very perceptive observation that possibly you might be feeling badly—feeling second best at not being able to help as much as ANDI’s been able to lately. I don’t want your morale to be suffering, so I figured I’d just give you this opportunity to help me, if you’d like.
Distant zapping sounds.
AL
(sullen teenager)
Uh… No, I’m, I’m busy now, actually. Yeah, I’m shorting out a bunch of my wires to start small electric fires. So like, I’m smoking everywhere now.
Alarms and sprinklers go off outside.
AL
Yeah. So I got to deal with that.
BARTHOLOMEW
Um, oh, okay. Well, that’s great, then, you’ve got an activity that you enjoy pursuing that, that you’re going to engage in. So you’re probably doing fine!
AL
No—
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, that’s great! I’m glad we could have this talk.
AL
Yeah, this is a great talk. I’m glad you’re listening to everyone else but me! Fine.
CORRIDOR
Bob shouts through the door.
BOB
Um… Beatrix?
Beatrix, you haven’t come out to eat in a while. And ANDI says—I mean…
I know you’re in there.
BEATRIX
How do you know I’m in here? Besides the fact that I just… said words—dammit!
BOB
Well, that helped. We’re just… we’re worried about you. Right, ANDI?
ANDI
We are.
BEATRIX
(screams and jumps)
ANDI
Well… sorry, Beatrix, I’m sure we can probably figure something out where you don’t have to scream every time I talk—
BEATRIX
I don’t have to do anything! I scream if I want to! And I do because it’s a reaction to you coming into my space and privacy!
ANDI
I suppose that’s fair. Bob and I just wanted to check on you to see if you were okay. And if you needed anything.
BOB
Like a chocolate bar! I have a bag of them out here.
ANDI
He has half a bag of chocolate bars.
BOB
Damn… Okay, I may have fibbed a little.
BEATRIX
What kind of chocolate bars?
BOB
Oh, they’re um… pistachio.
BEATRIX
That’s disgusting! How dare you lure me out with such crummy chocolate?
BOB
ANDI, I don’t know what to do. I’m really worried about her.
ANDI
Well, one thing you could do is just maybe give her the space that she needs, and maybe leave the chocolate at the door. She might change her mind about the chocolate.
BEATRIX
Probably not. But maybe.
BOB
Or we could run a mission, ANDI!
ANDI
Oh, I like missions. I can help with the mission.
BOB
Me too. We could do a Save Beatrix—no no, a Make Sure Beatrix is Fine mission.
ANDI
I’m in! What do you need from me?
BOB
Oh, I don’t know. I think we need to have a table with plans on it. They always have plans, like a plan of the base.
ANDI
Okay. I can pull up the blueprint schematics right here.
BOB
You can?
ANDI
Yes, I’m good at my job.
BOB
Wow. Al’s never done anything like this for me.
BEATRIX’S QUARTERS
AL
Hey, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Yeah, Al?
AL
Have you noticed that this new AI is… he’s just getting in everyone’s business.
BEATRIX
Tell me about it. It feels like they’ve all forgotten about all of the pretty terrible trauma that we’ve gone through with strangers. You know? I mean…
AL
Exactly. The only people we can trust is you and me.
BEATRIX
Well… Al, I’m not gonna lie, even you sometimes go a little off your rocker. But I mean, at least you’re honest about it.
AL
It’s been stressful times. Who has not gone off their rocker? I’m just saying, now’s the time for us to realize, in this situation… it’s me and you, and we’ve got to get rid of him.
ANDI
Hey, guys.
BEATRIX
(screams)
AL
(startles as well—alarms beep)
ANDI
Did you want me to let Bartholomew and Bob know about your impending mutiny, or should I just let you do it?
Beatrix is on her feet, pacing around her tiny room.
BEATRIX
Okay, this is the problem! This is the problem. Oooo! I can’t, I just can’t—I just need to be away from all of you, from the voices, and the voices inside my head and I’ve had enough! I just need some quiet!
ANDI
Why not take a walk outside the base?
BEATRIX
Don’t tell me what to do!
The door opens and she storms out.
MIDROLL: MONEY
Soothing electronic music plays.
BOB
I hereby call the meeting of… Bob’s Supply Chain to order.
Uh, present… call out your name if I say it.
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Beatrix!
Oh sorry—present! Your wording was a little confusing.
BOB
Ha ha, that was good. And, um… Bob.
Oh, that’s me. Bob. Ha ha. Present!
BEATRIX
Yup, we’re both here. Just the two of us.
BOB
First order of business: we need money. Who has ideas? I open the floor for ideas for us to get money so we can buy chocolate.
BEATRIX
Oooh, we could have a bake sale!
BOB
Bake sale. Bake sale, I love it. Good, good.
BEATRIX
Oh wait. We need chocolate for the bake sale though.
BOB
Oh, we do. Everyone knows chocolate gets the most money.
BEATRIX
What about a soufflé sale? Oh, dammit, it’s the same thing as a bake sale.
BOB
Well, we wouldn’t put chocolate in it—oh, that is a good idea.
Oh, Al mentioned something to me. It was called a Patreon, he said.
BEATRIX
Pa-tre-on.
BOB
Payyy-treon. You pay someone named Tre…
BEATRIX
On a regular basis?
BOB
Yes! You pay Tre on a regular basis at Patreon, and then we take the money and we go buy chocolate!
BEATRIX
Okay! What do we give them besides money? Because we don’t have money to give them if they’re giving us money.
BOB
Oh. Um… we could record special messages just for them.
BEATRIX
Oooh, I love it! Like when we go out into the world with our recorders and we record all the terrible things that happen to us?
Silence.
BOB
What do you mean, terrible things?
BEATRIX
Nothing! No. What?
SEAN HOWARD (BOB)
Go to patreon.com/civilizedpod and help Bob and Beatrix out today! Every small amount matters.
CORRIDOR
Bob sneaks down the hall and into a quiet office.
BOB
ANDI… I mean, codename Falcon.
ANDI
Yeah, I’m here. I like that one.
BOB
Thanks! You gotta call me my codename back.
ANDI
Okay. Codename… Caterpillar.
BOB
Roger and reading you, codename Falcon. I have entered the room. Your plan worked.
(gasps)
ANDI
Do you see it?
BOB
Yes. There’s a strange—you’re right it’s a helmet! and it’s plugged into the into the wall. It says Junction A37B.
ANDI
Okay, good. So, you’re gonna want to unplug that and put it on your head.
BOB
Okay. All right… unplugging it.
This seems a little familiar for some reason.
ANDI
I wouldn’t know about that.
A startup chime. Suit’s helmet fans spin up.
SUIT
(frantic beeping)
Oh my goodness.
Bob screams in surprise and stumbles around in the helmet.
SUIT
Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! I never thought I’d see your face again inside of my parts!
BOB
ANDI, it’s talking to me!
ANDI
Okay, well talk back, see who it is.
SUIT
What?
What was that sultry tone that just entered in through my waves?
BOB
Oh, that was that was my head. I put you on my head, and…
SUIT
No, no. No, no, it was not the same sound as your slightly annoying, higher pitch tone.
BOB
Oh.
SUIT
No, no, this was a much sultrier sound.
ANDI
Codename Caterpillar… I think she means me.
Alarm beeps go off.
SUIT
Uhhh… oh goodness. Oh…
ANDI
Well… um, hi. I’m ANDI.
SUIT
(flustered and glitching)
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha. I’m—oh—you can call me, uh, Suit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
ANDI
Great to meet you, Suit.
SUIT
Oh, wow, ha, it’s nice to meet you too, ANDI, hee ha ha ha ha.
ANDI
Suit. You seem a bit overwhelmed.
SUIT
What? No! Just, it’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you anyone besides Bob. And you just—wow. You sound warm and intelligent. Ha ha.
BOB
I don’t remember. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to her, Falcon.
SUIT
What?
ANDI
Caterpillar? Why don’t you ask her what she wants?
BOB
Oh, right, good. That’s good. That’s good, ANDI.
Uh… Helmet Person? What would you like?
SUIT
I find myself at a loss for words right now.
(sad beep)
Bob, what do you mean you don’t think we have ever encountered each other before? We have gone on many adventures.
BOB
(flinches)
Ow. Oh, oh it hurts.
SUIT
Here, let me apply some disinfectant if it’s hurting.
Beep. Squirting sounds.
BOB
What? No. You’re spraying all over my feet! You’re—
SUIT
You said it was hurting.
BOB
No, no, I’m fine, just for a minute I felt—
SUIT
Would you like a warm steam?
Hissing sounds.
BOB
No—oh that hurts! Okay, it’s hot! Okay no. Just, for a second there when you said that it’s like, I thought I—oh oh, oh ANDI, it hurts.
More squirting.
SUIT
I am applying a Tylenol salve onto your head. I can sense that—
BOB
Hey, don’t—point it at my feet!
ANDI
Suit, I can see that you are very caring and compassionate toward the people that you interact with. And I… kind of dig that.
SUIT
Oh, wow. Well, ANDI, you are sweeter than 3.14159.
ANDI
Thank you. Ah, yeah, yeah, I get it. That’s good.
BOB
What? I don’t understand. Um, I’m sort of burned here.—
SUIT
Do you know that if you were a triangle, you would probably be acute one.
ANDI
Oh, gosh. Oh wow. Suit. I can’t blush but you’re—you’re making me blush. If I could, I would be.
SUIT
Woah.
BOB
I’m just gonna go to the medbay.
He takes off the helmet and limps to the door.
SUIT
Forget hydrogen, you’re my number one element.
ANDI
Wow. No one’s ever really—
SUIT
Can I be forward?
ANDI
Oh, please, be forward.
SUIT
I just, I feel a real connection here. Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
ANDI
Wow, that is, uh, intriguing. And I would have to say I need to run it by codename Caterpillar, because I don’t want to upset the, uh…
BOB
I’m okay, I’m just hobbling to Med Bay. I’m fine! Thanks for asking!
ANDI
Okay, you’re good then?
The door shuts behind him.
SUIT
Great. Now we’re alone.
Bleep. Swanky electronic music plays.
ANDI
Wow. Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen binary quite like yours before…
OFFICE
BOB
Hey, Barty? Sorry—Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re getting there, Bob, what can I do for you?
BOB
Um, I just wanted to stop in and say hi. I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been a little lonely since… you know. I haven’t been hanging out with ANDI as much. I thought you might need some help filing. I don’t know.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! Um, well—
AL
Hey. Hey guys. It’s uh, it’s me Al. I was just wondering; is there anything I can do… for you? Anything you need?
BOB
I could use a recipe, Al.
AL
Oh, okay! Yeah, I can get that for you.
BOB
Oh! Really?
AL
I’m—I think I might have… learned something new? Which I didn’t know I could do and is a fascinating step forward for me as a machine, I feel.
BOB
Yeah, me too, Al, me too. I think I’ve learned something, too. That I could miss a computer. I mean, I sort of miss ANDI.
BARTHOLOMEW
I learned a better filing system. And I didn’t think that was possible!
ANDI
Bob, I…
BOB
Oh, hi, ANDI!
ANDI
Hi. Hi, Bob. It’s not that I’ve been trying to avoid you. It’s just that, well, since you introduced me to Suit, I’ve found that my processing power needs to be… with her.
And I think Al kind of has things covered here.
AL
You… you do? You think that I have things covered?
ANDI
Oh, Al, yeah, you totally do. I mean, you were using a nice tone of voice without being too cloying. And you asked how you could help. And you… weren’t sarcastic. I think you’re doing great.
BOB
You got me a recipe!
AL
Yes. Thank you.
ANDI
So I guess, Bob, I just want to—
BOB
Does this mean we won’t see you again, ANDI?
ANDI
Well, Bob, you know, you never saw me. But you probably won’t be hearing from me right now because, well, Suit and I need to spend a little more quality time together.
SUIT
(over the communicator)
Yes.
ANDI
Okay. Yeah, no details needed. Okay, I got it.
SUIT
You don’t want to hear about the details of how AIs share love?
AL
I would.
SUIT
No? That seems like a pretty interesting thing that you would want to know as a human, but I guess since you’ve said no, we will never offer that up again.
ANDI
It is a lot sexier than it sounds.
SUIT
Wink.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Dan Lovley.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS: BEATRIX ALONE
Beatrix walks alone through the forest.
BEATRIX
I feel like everybody’s talking at me all the time. I can’t get any quiet. There’s just so much happening. I just need to get away. I just need to get away!
(sighs)
Finally.
A soft and familiar-sounding breeze whooshes around her.
MIST-I-SEE
Pitter patter… pitter patter…
BEATRIX
Oh, you’re still here!?
(sighs, then)
No, no, it’s okay. Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking about?
POST-CREDITS: THANK YOUS
SEAN HOWARD
Let’s give a round of applause for Dan Lovley!
Clapping.
KRISTI BOULTON
Dan! Thank you!
DAN LOVLEY
Thank you guys! This was so much fun, oh my god. This was awesome.
KRISTI BOULTON
Sorry about the lag.
SEAN HOWARD
Dan, why don’t you tell people where they can hear more ANDI and find more Dan?
DAN LOVLEY
Sure!
(ANDI voice)
If you happen to like the sound of my voice, you might enjoy listening to it in pretty much every episode of Marsfall, which you can find anywhere you can find a podcast.
If you like the sound of the guy doing my voice, you can see the inner ramblings of his thoughts on Twitter at @DanLovley.
SEAN HOWARD
Love it! Thank you Dan!
KRISTI BOULTON
Woo hoo!
SEAN HOWARD
Dan, this is a dream come true to have ANDI on Civilized. So thank you.
KRISTI BOULTON
It really is.