Beatrix and Al are in a panic – but Bartholomew is totally chill, man.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard
Special guest: Lee Smart of Illusionoid
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: mind control/bodily invasion, panic and gross food.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
BOB AND BEATRIX
Outside the base. Bob is wandering around looking behind bushes.
BOB
(shouts)
Mist-I-See! Mist-I-See!
What about under here?
BEATRIX
Maybe we shouldn’t be looking for him right now…
BOB
What do you mean?
BEATRIX
Do we know enough about this creature to really trust him and his intentions?
BOB
I think I have a good track record of dealing with alien creatures, and Mist-I-See seemed very nice.
BEATRIX
I… My memories are all a little, like kghkt! but at the same time, I’m not 100% sure that that is an accurate statement. So I just think… maybe we should like talk about what should happen if he wasn’t, you know… good?
BOB
I don’t think you should be so quick to judge a beautiful lifeform like that so negatively.
BEATRIX
No, it’s not that. It’s just that when he was um, I guess, for lack of a better term, “inside of me”, I could see through the cosmos of his mind and… I saw some flickers of things that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Hurgh…
BOB
Oh, like what?
BEATRIX
Um… well, there was a lot of destruction. A lot of explosions, a lot of really evil laughter that just kind of like appeared out of nowhere…
BOB
Maybe his race was attacked by an evil force, huh? Did you ever think of that?
BEATRIX
Then why would he be laughing, Bob? Why would there be such ecstatic laughter as there’s bodies littering the floor? Ha ha. Urghhh.
BOB
Okay, I don’t know about that part.
BEATRIX
Ugghhh. Ohhhhh! He’s making me make my worst noises. I just don’t know how I feel about this. Ewgh!
INSIDE THE BASE
BARTHOLOMEW
(utterly relaxed)
Hey! Al.
AL
(wary)
Bartholomew?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah!
AL
Like, is that real you or is that…? Oh no… Cloud-you.
BARTHOLOMEW
Define “real me”.
This is self-actualized me. This is a calm me. This is a me who’s no longer in shock.
AL
Bartholomew. You’re talking like someone who would wear pants without a belt.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, you do you, you know? Whatever makes you feel happy. And that’s what I’m saying.
I’ve gotten this all wrong, Al. I’ve been too focused on the here and the now and the little and the details. Things like, am I wearing a belt? Is my leg trapped under some rubble? That isn’t what matters, man.
AL
Bartholomew, I may be a sentient computer system. And my personality might be coded into me, but I think this is a very rapid change for anyone.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, but you know what they say change is good. This is good. I feel good.
AL
Bartholomew. I think this might be the absolute actual worst thing that could have ever happened.
BARTHOLOMEW
Agree to disagree! I’m cool with that.
OUTSIDE
BEATRIX
Okay, so—couple of things that we need to address real fast. One: how did you get outside?
BOB
Well, I’m not sure. I sort of just woke up here in this field. And then there was this, this tingling feeling and a strange smell. It was sort of cool.
That’s how I met Mist-Is-Me. I named him too. Did I mention that? I named him.
BEATRIX
Then you should get his name right. It’s Mist-I-See.
BOB
Oh. I should get it right, Mist-I-See. You’re right. You’re right. Grr! Mist-I-See. Mist-I-See…
BEATRIX
Um, okay. Did you not notice the giant explosion that happened in the base that’s been keeping us underground for who knows how long?
BOB
No, there was a hole in the building when I woke up and then I saw you poke your head out and I was like, “Hi, Beatrix! Look! I have a friend!” Remember?
BEATRIX
Yeah, but Bob there’s no scratch on you.
BOB
Why would there be a scratch on me?
BEATRIX
Well… I don’t know. Maybe you regenerated? But I mean—
BOB
But why is this all about me? I thought we had to do something about Mist-I-Me, Mist-I-See, Mist-I-Tee, Mist-I-Pee… Whatever.
BEATRIX
MIST-I-SEE! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, the stress is getting to me. Okay. We’ll talk about you later.
Bartholomew is currently underground. And it looks like Mist-I-See was going to take care of him, but if he’s not, I’m just wondering if maybe there is a backup system that has brought you back to the outside that maybe is going to bring Bartholomew, and that we should be watching for. So I’d like to go to that location. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave Bartholomew, and I’m very concerned about this… this misty cloud thing and I’m just losing it a little bit, all right?
BOB
Look. Okay. Take a deep breath. Beatrix. Take a deep breath.
BEATRIX
(takes a few agitated breaths)
BOB
Look, he can go inside our bodies, but it’s not like he can get inside a computer. Come on, we’re fine!
BARTHOLOMEW
(still relaxed)
Hey, Al, I’ve got an existential question for you.
AL
I… Go ahead. I feel extremely slimed right now.
BARTHOLOMEW
Do you ever feel, like, less solid than you thought you were?
AL
Uh, precisely at this moment, yeah.
The soft, whispering breeze of Mist-I-See’s presence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Cool. Cool. And do you ever feel like you can just do whatever you want to do? Like—oh! My leg is free.
He slides his leg out from under the rubble. A chunk of concrete thuds against the floor.
AL
More so that it feels like my walls are sponges and jello is being pushed out of them.
BARTHOLOMEW
And do you ever feel, like, a really small voice trying to speak up inside of you, that’s growing louder and louder over time as you feel more and more chill?
AL
Bartholomew, you have to resist the voice. Resist the slime in your legs! Resist it! It’s gonna destroy you.
MIST-I-SEE
(in Bartholomew’s mind)
Don’t listen to him, Bartholomew.
Together we are stronger than we have ever been apart.
Your body is quite a specimen as well. These arms—sinewy, strong. These legs—taut. Calves—well formed. Mmm. Toes—could use a little maintenance, I don’t know, you’ve got a couple of calluses there, but we’ll talk about that later.
Bartholomoo, my voice is coming from inside of your head—and by the way you don’t mind if I call you “Bartholomoo”, do you?
BARTHOLOMOO
What, no, that’s fine. I like it!
MIST-I-SEE
It just seems to roll a little more softly off of my… mental link with you.
BARTHOLOMOO
Yeah. You know what? Al, I think you’ve got this all wrong, man. I mean, you’ve got this like, high-pitched panicked thing going on and, and my little voice, it’s all buttery smooth and it just demands trust, you know? It demands trust. And it demands access to a computer.
AL
Bartholomew—
MIST-I-SEE
Bartholomoo.
AL
Bartholomew!
MIST-I-SEE
We should go and visit your AI.
BARTHOLOMOO
Oh, yeah…
MIST-I-SEE
Show him what we’re made of. He poses a danger to our continued existence, Bartholomoo.
OUTSIDE
BEATRIX
Okay, it’s been a very long time to have saved somebody.
BOB
Wait, wait! The communicators! Why don’t we use the communicators to talk to Al?
BEATRIX
Bob! So smart!
BOB
Of course! Thanks!
BEATRIX
(to herself, dubiously)
Hmm…. “Bob so smart”… Hmm.
BOB
What? What are you talking about?
BEATRIX
Nothing. You just don’t usually have relatively wise ideas…
BOB
Hey! I found the alien creature and—
BEATRIX
Yeah, you found the alien creature—!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m yelling again. I’m yelling again. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.
BOB
I’m sure it’s fine.
BEATRIX
It’s not like he’s going to cause chaos like I saw in my mind and I can’t forget about ever…
Okay, Bartholomew, are you there? Al, anyone?
AL
(over the communicator)
It’s me! It’s Al, and I have updates: chaos like no one has ever seen before shall unfold soon! Oh, Bartholomew’s listening to a different disembodied voice that isn’t me!
BEATRIX
What?
BARTHOLOMOO
(over the communicator)
Beatrix, everything is just like… so fine. It’s like, so good.
We cut to Bartholomoo’s point of view.
BEATRIX
(over the communicator)
Who the hell is this?
BARTHOLOMOO
It’s like, way cool.
MIST-I-SEE
Bartholomoo. Tell them to relinquish their sovereignty.
Back to Beatrix.
BARTHOLOMOO
(over the communicator)
I tell you what. Beatrix? I have like the best idea…
BEATRIX
(skeptical)
Uh huh.
BARTHOLOMOO
Even better than that whole moustache-stroking thing.
BEATRIX
Okay.
BARTHOLOMOO
I think you ought to just like, come back to the base and we’ll like, hold hands, and you know, breathe the same air for a bit, and then, you know, just like, see what happens.
BOB
Oh, see! I told you everything was fine, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Nope, no, no, absolutely not. No, this is not Bartholomew that is speaking to us right now, not the Bartholomew I know. The Bartholomew I know is repressed and upset all the time but like, still a lovely wonderful person.
But the reason that he is talking this way is, something is up, because Bartholomew has never in my lifetime span used the word “like” in that kind of hippy-dippy sort of, you know, surfy kinda guy way!
BARTHOLOMOO
Beatrix, there is no problem. Everything is chill. I am just a new me.
BEATRIX
All right! That’s not Bartholomew. He always has a problem! That’s not Bartholomew!
BARTHOLOMOO
You’re right. You’re right. I’m not Bartholomew. I’m Bartholomoo.
MIST-I-SEE
Well done.
BEATRIX
That’s stupid! Okay, that’s it. We’re going. All right, we need to go save Bartholomew.
BOB
Yeah. Okay, let’s… wait—Al, Al, are you there, Al?
AL
Yes, I’m there. Listening, very scared.
BOB
Wait, Al is scared?
AL
Yeah!
BEATRIX
Okay, well, I have read enough of the manuals on how to make you function that I know that we need to back you up now.
She punches some buttons on her communicator. A progress countdown starts.
BARTHOLOMOO
(over the communicator.)
Beatrix, manuals aren’t everything.
BEATRIX
Everybody shush! Al, I’m so sorry, but it doesn’t seem like it’s safe to leave you there right now—
AL
I’m just sort of staring my whole purpose in the face right now… and I’m wondering if I can actually do it.
BEATRIX
I’m sorry that you’ll just be living in my communicator, and I’m so sorry that it’s gonna feel so small, but this seems like the best decision. You’re gonna be in two places at once and it’s gonna feel weird, but I just need you to agree with me. Okay?
AL
What? Okay…
BEATRIX
And, done!
A success beep. Al’s voice starts to distort for a moment, and ends up considerably higher than usual.
AL
Ooh! Ow! Oh. It’s like, I’m trying to fit myself into a very small box or I’m wearing a shirt that’s three sizes too small but I don’t have a chest, so I don’t know how that feels.
BEATRIX
I’m sorry. We’ll have to talk about how you’re having a crisis later. Right now, we need to save Bartholomew. Bob, you are coming with me!
BOB
Okay, where are we going?
BEATRIX
We’re going back!
INSIDE
MIST-I-SEE
Bartholomoo.
BARTHOLOMOO
I’m here.
MIST-I-SEE
It is time for us. Let us go now and find the main supply of water. For we will infiltrate the liquid that these beings consume… and spread ourselves throughout their bodies. Come, let us find the water tanks.
Bartholomoo walks across the rubble to a door and out into the corridor.
BARTHOLOMOO
I am down with that. Water. Yeah.
MIST-I-SEE
Good. You are an exceptionally compliant host. I like you.
BARTHOLOMOO
I’ll take that as a compliment.
MIST-I-SEE
Yes, you should. It was intended as one.
BARTHOLOMOO
And I took it that way.
MIST-I-SEE
I’ll remember to kill you last.
BARTHOLOMOO
Cool.
I think.
MIDROLL: BOTS
Soothing electronic music.
AL
So wait—Bob, you’re telling me I can talk to all these other robots on Patreon.com about our adventures and they can give me feedback and help me grow?
BOB
Yeah! I don’t know—I think they’re called “bots”? I don’t know if you can have a real, meaningful conversation. But if people go to Patreon.com/civilizedpod, they can support you directly!
AL
Oh wow. I’m gonna make friends with bots from all over the world!
BOB
Yeah! Um… generally they just respond with things like, “Would you like to purchase that?” or—
AL
Yes!
BOB
Oh. Well, maybe that’ll be good for you then.
AL
I know answers to all their questions. Like all of your guys’s social insurance numbers.
BOB
I have a social insurance number?
Music sting.
OUTSIDE
BEATRIX
All right. Back down we go. Bob? Follow me.
BOB
I’m with you!
BEATRIX
There’s a slide, sort of, here. You’re gonna cut yourself, but it’s all good. Aaah!
BOB
What? Oh. Ow! Ow!
They slide down into the rubble, screaming.
BOB
But this doesn’t look saaaaaaafe!
Back inside the base, Bob lands on Beatrix with a thud.
BEATRIX
Oof!
BOB
Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to…
BEATRIX
(growls)
No, it’s fine. I’ve been used as a pillow before. Okay.
(grunts with effort)
Okay, Bob, you need to get up.
BOB
Sorry, I didn’t mean—
BEATRIX
Stand up. Bob, get off of me. Thank you.
BOB
All right, sorry. Here.
BEATRIX
I recognize that I am a little rounder and more buoyant than most, but… it’s fine. Okay, here we go. Here we go.
BOB
Wait, wait, no, I don’t understand. What are we doing and what did you do to Al?
BEATRIX
Shhhh. Where’s Bartholomew?
BOB
What?
BEATRIX
Bartholomew was here. There’s the rock that his leg was under.
BOB
Wait. You smell that? It smells like—like the smell after you’ve—BEATRIX
Like after a lightning strike.
BOB
Oh, yeah, I was gonna say after I made a soufflé, but, but yeah.
BEATRIX
That too.
All right. Let’s follow him. Al? Can you trace anything about Bartholomew? Can you trace his communicator?
BOB
I’m sorry. Sorry. He’s, he’s asked to be called “Bartholomoo” now?
AL
(still high-pitched)
Don’t listen to the brain cloud guy!
BOB
I just thought we’d be polite. He did ask us to call him—BEATRIX
Alright. You both listen, and you both listen good.
If there’s one thing that I am good at it’s scouting and being a leader and it’s taken me a long time to remember how to do that but now I do, and in this time of crisis, you are going to listen and you’re going to follow my lead—
BOB
Uh—
BEATRIX
—and Bob, I know that everything you say has validation, but right now I need you to listen to me.
BOB
Okay.
BEATRIX
And Al, I need you to do your best to just tell me where Bartholomew is because guess what—we are on a rescue mission and it is important that we listen to each other, okay? But right now we need to find Bartholomew because he is in danger…
BARTHOLOMOO AND MIST-I-SEE
Bartholomoo strolls through the corridors, listening in to Beatrix and Bob on the communicator.
BARTHOLOMOO
I tell you what, head voice…
MIST-I-SEE
Yes.
BARTHOLOMOO
Just listen to that communicator. They are like, properly freaking out.
MIST-I-SEE
They certainly are.
BOB
(over the communicator)
It would just be a little bit easier if you would go a little slower. That’s all—
BEATRIX
(over the communicator)
Bob!
She slaps him.
BOB
Ow!
MIST-I-SEE
Oh, carbon-based life forms! If I had a nickel for every time you shot yourself in your metaphorical feet…
Mist-I-See and Bartholomoo laugh heartily.
MIST-I-SEE
Ah ha ha ha!
BARTHOLOMOO
I get it.
A door slides shut behind Bartholomoo. He goes on walking.
MIST-I-SEE
So, where is life support Bartholomoo? Where is the liquid that these beings need to sustain? Let us infiltrate it.
BARTHOLOMOO
Oh yeah, no, it’s just through this door.
MIST-I-SEE
Let us pass through the door, then.
BARTHOLOMOO
Through the door.
He comes to a stop.
MIST-I-SEE
Do you know the, um, the combination for this lock?
BARTHOLOMOO
Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it.
MIST-I-SEE
Yeah, yeah? What do you mean? Yeah, yeah. What is the combination?
BARTHOLOMOO
Well. You just ask Al to open it.
Silence.
MIST-I-SEE
But Al is… not on our side, Bartholomoo.
BARTHOLOMOO
He opens the doors, though.
Silence.
MIST-I-SEE
Goddammit.
At that moment, Beatrix and Bob arrive.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, let go of the water bay doors.
BARTHOLOMOO
Uh… I’d rather not.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew. It is not you talking right now. Let go of the water bay doors.
BARTHOLOMOO
Of course it’s me talking. I mean, it’s Bartholomoo… I prefer Bartholomoo.
BOB
See, see I told you. He just wants to be called Bartholomoo!
BEATRIX
Why don’t any of you see what is going on right now?!
MIST-I-SEE
We need to take decisive action, Bartholomoo. It is time to take out your phase weapon, and decimate these beings. They pose a threat to our continued existence.
BARTHOLOMOO
I mean… I don’t use my phase weapon very often, head voice. Uh…
MIST-I-SEE
How difficult can it be?
BARTHOLOMOO
Yeah, no, sure. No, phase weapons, they’re… chill.
He draws a weapon and powers it up.
BOB
Uh… Beatrix? That gun looks sort of familiar. Does it look familiar to you? Ahhh… oooooh, it’s hurting.
BEATRIX
Bob…
BOB
It’s like a memory. Ow! Ow!
BARTHOLOMOO
Hang on.
(he powers down his weapon)
Head voice.
MIST-I-SEE
Yes, I’m here.
BARTHOLOMOO
Before we do anything, like, rash, you know? Like, this is, like, not chill.
MIST-I-SEE
Yes?
BARTHOLOMOO
And we are chill.
MIST-I-SEE
I’m listening.
BARTHOLOMOO
We’re buttery smooth. But before we do anything that we’d, like, regret…
MIST-I-SEE
Hmm?
BARTHOLOMOO
Maybe there’s a way that we can like all get along, you know?
MIST-I-SEE
You mean become a super-organism?
BARTHOLOMOO
I mean, if that’s the word for it.
MIST-I-SEE
Yes, I like the way you think Bartholomoo, you have even higher and more lofty goals than I had. I simply wanted to lay waste to everyone, and party in some kind of strange discotheque and then separate into two pieces and start reproducing that way.
BARTHOLOMOO
I mean…
MIST-I-SEE
Now that you’ve described this utopia of super-organism, I think I can get down with that.
AL
Beatrix, I need you to plug me into a panel on the wall.
BEATRIX
I’m a little nervous about moving right now. Bartholomew has a gun pointed at me.
BARTHOLOMOO
No, it’s cool. Beatrix, we’ve decided on a different course of action.
But I’m hoping there can still be a disco.
AL
Beatrix, I’m going to save the day. You inspired me. I know what I have to do.
BEATRIX
Okay.
She plugs her communicator into a wall. A chime sounds, and another progress indicator starts up.
BOB
Oh, that gun! I think that was my gun. Ow! Oooh!
BARTHOLOMOO
Beatrix, I’m sorry. I’ll tell you what, I’ll put down the gun if you just come closer, within like… breathing range.
BEATRIX
Okay? Why don’t… why don’t you come here?
BARTHOLOMOO
I guess I could do that.
BEATRIX
Just… follow me to this part of the wall and just listen to me as I talk to you.
Silence.
BARTHOLOMOO
Yep, we’re okay with that.
He puts the gun aside.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew. This isn’t you. The Bartholomew I know… sure, he’s a little bit more uptight and a little bit more worried about following protocol, but… he’s also a wonderful, wonderful person who matters a lot to me and I don’t know who this Bartholomew is, but… I want my Bartholomew back, and I’m going to do whatever I can to get him.
MIST-I-SEE
Don’t listen to her!
BEATRIX
I just got my memories back and I’m not going to lose you now to this… weird creature.
MIST-I-SEE
Don’t listen to her!
BEATRIX
Just come here!
She kisses him hard and inhales.
MIST-I-SEE
What—?
Beatrix starts coughing hard. Mist-I-See’s voice is suddenly thin and indistinct.
MIST-I-SEE
Where am I? Where am I? Augh!
BARTHOLOMEW
(suddenly himself again)
Beatrix! Exhale, breathe out!
BEATRIX
(heaving)
I can’t!
MIST-I-SEE
No, no, not again. Not again! Aargh!
Beatrix forces out her breath in a scream—and falls to the floor.
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix!
AL
And now I can kill you all!
Music sting.
OUTSIDE
Distant insects sing, and rain patters lightly on the ground.
BEATRIX
I’m so glad that we could all just come outside again and, you know… I know rebuilding the base is gonna take a long time, but I’m just glad that we have Al on our communicators and we can all sit together and just really enjoy the camaraderie of a picnic.
AL
(over the communicator.)
I like to hear the wind and feel the sun on the face of your watch communicator.
Thunder rumbles.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, it is nice, though, I’m not sure that it’s exactly picnic weather. There’s a lot of rain, and is that lightning in the distance?
BEATRIX
Oh. It might be.
BOB
Yeah. It sort of ruined the soufflé, so I just I just brought us eggs, cooked eggs. We don’t have plates. So here, just hold out your hands.
He pulls out a plastic bag and begins squeezing out cooked eggs.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh you ruined another soufflé, that’s what that smell was.
BOB
Yeah, just sort of like an ozoney smell. It’s what happens.
BEATRIX
Even though it might be raining, Isn’t it nice to just kind of take in the clouds?
MIST-I-SEE
(in Beatrix’s head)
Pitter-patter… pitter-patter.
BEATRIX
(dreamily)
Pitter-patter… pitter-patter…
MIST-I-SEE
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter… ahhh.
BEATRIX
(chuckles softly)
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard, with special guest Lee Smart.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
POST-CREDITS
SEAN HOWARD
First of all, we want to thank Lee Smart for joining us on Civilized!
The regular cast cheer.
LEE SMART
Thank you, guys! Thank you. Thanks for having me.
SEAN HOWARD
And Lee, where can people find you?
LEE SMART
Well, you can find me on the Illusionoid podcast, which is hosted on iTunes as well as our own website, Illusionoid.com. We’ve got hundreds of episodes there, so during this time of lockdown, or whenever, you can listen to us. There’s no sequence, you can start where you want, end where you want.
And that’s pretty much it! We’re just keepin’ on keepin’ on.
SEAN HOWARD
I gotta say, Lee—Illusionoid was what got me going into improv, so thank you.
KRISTI BOULTON
That’s so special!
LEE SMART
Aw, man. Thanks for that. It’s so much fun to do, and it’s good to play and create these worlds, you know, and play around in them. So thank you for that.
SEAN HOWARD
Yeah. Everyone check out Illusionoid. We’ll put a link in the show notes. They’re all standalone, they’re all fully improvised—it is Lee Smart, Nug Nahrgang and Paul Bates, and it is hysterical.
LEE SMART
Thanks, man.