Al tries to help out Bartholomew and Beatrix with some newly discovered gadgets. Meanwhile, Bob is still lost in the bowels of the base.
Our recommended listening this week is the audio fiction podcast We Fix Space Junk!
And be sure to check out the new sci-fi thriller Crypto-Z!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: panic, drowning, bombs.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
THE KITCHEN
Beatrix is furiously scrubbing a plate.
BEATRIX
(singing)
Washing a dish doesn’t have to be hard!
You don’t have to hate it with all of your heart.
No! Washing a dish can be a delight
If you can get the scum off it’ll be all right
Get the scum off—
AL
Oh! Beatrix!
BEATRIX
(squeaks in suprise)
AL
Remember to put the dish in my new auto dryer.
Beep. A drawer opens with a whir and a clunk.
BEATRIX
Oh, sorry, right, Hi Al. Sorry. You surprised me! You’re so much quieter about booting up than before.
AL
Yeah, I’m much sleeker now.
BEATRIX
Yeah. Ha, ha, sorry. Yeah, your auto dryer, right. I just—I’m struggling to get the last bits, flecks of food off. You know… ever since we’ve been trying to do everything on our own, it’s just like, you know, I don’t know how to cook without getting stick on everything.
AL
Well, I could hit it with the pressure washer.
Beatrix stops scrubbing.
BEATRIX
You have a pressure washer?
AL
Yeah, just uh, maybe step away from the dish.
BEATRIX
Oh, um, sure. Okay, I’ll just put it down—
AL
No, like, further back.
Beatrix backs away from the sink.
BEATRIX
No? What about here, should I just hold it up with my arm?
AL
I think maybe put the dish down and get behind the table?
BEATRIX
Oh! Um, should I like flip the table for…?
AL
Yes.
BEATRIX
Oh, okay, just give me one second.
AL
Oh, yes.
BEATRIX
I’m just gonna—
She grunts with effort and turns the table on its side.
BEATRIX
Okay! I am solidly hidden behind the table. Don’t you think this is a bit of an over—OH MY GOD!
Motors whir and high-pressure water jets out in all directions. Beatrix tries to dodge it.
BEATRIX
Oh! Oh! Al, there’s so much water! Oh, it’s hot! Turn it off, turn it off!
AL
This is either working perfectly or absolutely wrong, but it’s so fun!
THE OFFICE
Bartholomew shuffles around some folders full of paper. From time to time a gurgling sound breaks in over the radio.
BARTHOLEMEW
(singing)
Putting files away
Singing a song because he’s heard Beatrix do it and she seems to enjoy it when she’s doing mundane things
Trying to ignore the sounds of water coming from his communicator
But he’s getting more concerned and feels like he needs to check in sooooon…
AL
Oh Bartholomew, Bartholomew, do you want to try my new auto filer?
BARTHOLEMEW
An auto filer? I mean, that sounds intriguing, Al. But I have two problems with that premise. The first is that I fear that an auto filer would make me somewhat redundant. And the second is that I’m very, very concerned about the sounds of moisture coming from my communicator, and I’m not sure whether that should be made more of a priority than innovative filing techniques.
AL
Bartholomew, did you hear what you just said? Something should be more of a priority than innovative filing techniques? Are you feeling all right?
BARTHOLEMEW
Um…. I think I am.
AL
Come on! Bartholomew. Just take that stack of files.
BARTHOLEMEW
Uh huh.
AL
And then you see the chute to the left of the desk?
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, yes, yeah. I’m familiar with the Destroy The Files chute.
AL
Okay… now, if you put them in and leave it open, I’ll be able to file these for you. And it’ll be amazing.
BARTHOLEMEW
But Al, that would just destroy the files. And I mean, the whole point of filing is to keep an orderly system to keep the ones that you need and… not to keep the ones that you don’t, they go into the DTF chute
But, but once again, though I love filing and I appreciate you noticing that feature of my character, I’m really starting to get very concerned about the continued sounds of just crashing water coming from my communicator.
BEATRIX
(from communicator)
BARTHOLOMEW!
BARTHOLEMEW
And that’s been happening every once in a while. I’m really worried about Beatrix, I think I’d better go find her.
AL
Okay, just put the files in the chute first.
BARTHOLEMEW
Al.
I’m going to find Beatrix. And I am very protective of my files. So I am pleased that you don’t have hands because you’re acting very suspicious around my files at this time. And I can be assured that you don’t have hands despite these new powers that you’ve found recently.
And you know what, now’s not the time to debate this. I’m putting these down. I’m going to find Beatrix.
AL
As an AI I’m unable to perform suspicion, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
Great.
Okay, Beatrix!
He runs out.
BEATRIX
(over the communicator)
Bartholomew! Help!
THE BOWELS
BOB
(nervous)
Al? Are you still there?
AL
Hello, Bob.
BOB
Oh! Thank god, Al.
You’re sure they’re coming for me, right?
AL
They have to be coming. They’re your friends, Bob.
BOB
You’re right. They wouldn’t de-prioritize me like a file or anything, would they?
AL
No! What sort of thing could come up that would distract them from you, their best friend?
BOB
Yeah, you’re right.
Wait. I don’t think I was ever their best friend, Al. You were their best friend.
Hello?
AL
Don’t put yourself down, Bob. You’re already low down enough.
BOB
Yeah. Okay.
I’m gonna stay put like you said. Just make sure they come, Al.
AL
Of course, Bob. Of course!
THE KITCHEN
The kitchen is full of water and more is pouring in. Beatrix is thrashing around in a panic.
BEATRIX
Oh god! Al! Stop it! What is happening?! Augh, there’s so much hot water. Aaa! Aaa! Aaaa! Al, turn off your pressure washer!
AL
I’m so sorry!
BEATRIX
Turn off your pressure washer!
AL
I’m so sorry, I’m trying! I’m really trying!
BEATRIX
It doesn’t feel like you’re trying! You have a semblance of control over an entire bunker, why can’t you turn off a simple pressure washer? Oh my god!
BARTHOLEMEW
(through the kitchen door)
Beatrix, are you in here?
BEATRIX
Don’t touch the door handle! Don’t touch the door handle!
BARTHOLEMEW
Is that water coming under the door? I’m coming in!
BEATRIX
No, Bartholomew! Don’t—
The door hums open and water gushes out into the corridor, engulfing Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
Aagh!
He slips under the surface. Muffled drowning sounds.
AL
Oh no! Now they’re both wet.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew! Bartholomew! Oh my god, he doesn’t know how to swim. Oh!
She dives in and swims over to pull him up. He emerges, spluttering and panting heavily.
The water, meanwhile, is starting to drain.
BEATRIX
It’s okay! It’s okay, the water’s finally—the water’s going away.
Oh man, we almost filled the entire kitchen. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Ohhh god.
AL
Don’t worry Beatrix, I found a very safe place to drain the water to.
BEATRIX
(exhausted sigh)
BARTHOLEMEW
I came to help you.
BEATRIX
Thank you. Sorry.
Hi.
The water has mostly subsided, leaving everything in the room dripping.
BARTHOLEMEW
I… I was responding to a lingering guilt inside myself about how I maybe don’t rush to help in actual crisis situations as fast as I should.
BEATRIX
No, it’s okay. We’ve been… I mean, we’ve been kind of avoiding each other a little bit lately, it seems like, so I haven’t seen you in a couple days and haven’t seen Bob in a couple days and, I don’t know, ever since we we came out of the bowels and you woke me up and I just—I don’t really—I’m gonna be honest with you, Bartholomew, I don’t remember what happened, I don’t remember anything, all I know is that you’ve been kind of weird and distant… and we haven’t found or heard from Bob and the world seems weird and… the thing that broke the camel’s back was that I couldn’t get this grime off of a dish… and then the water and the burns… and I just…
Where’s Bob? Okay, can you just, can you look me in the eye and tell me that he’s okay or that he’s fine. Like, what happened? What happened in the bowels?
Silence.
BARTHOLEMEW
Um. Okay, I can take those questions one at a time.
BEATRIX
Okay…
BARTHOLEMEW
So, question one.
BEATRIX
Yeah.
BARTHOLEMEW
What happened in the bowels?
BEATRIX
What happened? Why have you been so weird?
BARTHOLEMEW
Um…
You say you don’t remember anything?
BEATRIX
I remember being in front of a lot of screens and then this blinding light. And then I—I don’t know, I thought I remembered something else, but maybe I didn’t, and I don’t know. The thing I remember most is waking up and you were standing over me and as soon as I was okay, you left the room all flushed.
BARTHOLEMEW
Okay.
Beatrix, before I answer your questions, let me ask you a question.
BEATRIX
Okay.
BARTHOLEMEW
If you know information that another person doesn’t, and, and you think it might shock them to hear all of that information at once, but you also have a history with this person of withholding information because you think that’s best, and that ended up hurting them at that time… is it better to repeat your old patterns and withhold the information because in a way that didn’t work out too bad, though it’s now hurting you quite a bit, and you’re scared it might hurt them? Or are you better just to put all the facts on the table and trust that they know how to deal with it, even though it might cause an internal crisis?
Silence.
BARTHOLEMEW
It’s a hypothetical.
BEATRIX
Okay, Bartholomew, I’m gonna answer those questions one at a time.
MIDROLL: WE FIX SPACE JUNK
Music sting.
BOB
Oh, hi Beatrix! I was sort of hoping I’d bump into you.
BEATRIX
Oh! Hey Bob. What’s going on?
BOB
I’ve been working on that idea for the book?
BEATRIX
Oh! Yes! Okay! I’m so excited. Tell me all about it.
BOB
Okay. Well, I’m still working on it, okay?
BEATRIX
Okay! No, workshopping is great.
BOB
Okay, well, just, you know, don’t judge it too harshly, right? It’s still in its… nascent form, is what Bartholomew said.
BEATRIX
Oh! “Nascent”.
BOB
Nascent.
BEATRIX
Well, Bartholomew’s very smart, so I trust him.
BOB
He is.
BEATRIX
Explain away.
BOB
Okay.
There’s a smuggler named Kilner, quickly joined by a reluctant fugitive, Samantha, as they travel the galaxy…
BEATRIX
Uh, Bob—
BOB
Dodging bullets and meeting strange and wonderful beings.
BEATRIX
Um—
BOB
I’m not done. They’re repairmen, but they’re working for an evil corporation with a really long complicated name.
BEATRIX
Um, yeah, is that—
BOB
I’m not done. Like “Automnicon”.
BEATRIX
Automnicon, yeah.
BOB
Yeah. And I’m thinking of a really cool name. It’s gotta be dark comedy, it’s gotta be sci-fi, it’s gotta be a podcast, it’s gotta be about fixing things…
BEATRIX
Yeah, um… Can I think of a suggestion?
BOB
Oh, yeah. I don’t have a name yet.
BEATRIX
How about something like, I dunno, “We Fix Space Junk”?
BOB
No, no, I need something a little more, like, snazzy, like, you know big words.
BEATRIX
No, I really think that you should think about the name “We Fix Space Junk”, ha ha.
BOB
It just seems a little on the nose, doesn’t it? You know, like they’re repairmen…
BEATRIX
Uh, well, the problem with it being on the nose is that… you stole the idea.
Pause
BOB
No, no, I didn’t.
BEATRIX
No, I found that podcast in Al’s files a little while ago, so—
BOB
Okay, I borrowed a couple—a couple of the ideas from Battle Bird Productions. But most of that was still me.
BEATRIX
I’m sorry, Bob. None of that. None of that was you.
BOB
(sighs)
I didn’t know writing was this hard.
BEATRIX
It’s okay.
THE BOWELS
Water is pouring into the room where Bob is holed up.
AL
Oh, Bob, I’m sorry. I don’t know where all this water is coming from! It’s so hot and soapy.
Bob is plugging in cables as he builds some sort of device.
BOB
(determined)
Thank you. This is what I needed, Al.
AL
What do you mean, Bob?
Bob?
BOB
Something happens when I get stressed, Al. I remember things. Like what I brought down here with me, and how long it takes me to wire a bomb.
And by my estimation, Al, I have more than enough time as the water fills this chamber.
AL
You know I’m not going to let you do that, Bob.
BOB
I know you’re not. But I don’t think you can stop me, Al.
Can you?
AL
What about your friends, Bob?
BOB
They’re not coming, Al.
AL
But they’re still here.
BOB
Yeah. They are. And they’re gonna regenerate. I remember.
I remember what you did to me.
THE KITCHEN
The kitchen has mostly drained.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, it sounds to me like you’ve been really lonely in your thoughts for a long time. And it sounds like they’ve gone over and around and under and back and forth so many times that you’ve kind of potentially lost where they even began or how to even start thinking about them, let alone get to where you were just saying.
And I don’t know, if it were me… I’d want you to talk to me. Talk to me like you know me. Talk to me like it mattered. And I’m sure even if it was hard… I’d understand.
Or, in this case, a hypothetical person.
You’re talking about Bob, right?
BARTHOLEMEW
Not exactly. Okay. To answer your question about what happened down in the bowels, and why I’ve been acting weird, and ultimately to circle back to where Bob is, we need to start from the beginning. And at this point, you’ve known me long enough in this form, this new you, that I hope you can trust me.
BEATRIX
Of course I trust you, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
You know how we were supposed to have arrived on a ship?
BEATRIX
Yeah.
BARTHOLEMEW
Well, we did.
AL
(in a panic)
Hey, geez! Oh, hey guys! I hope this isn’t an important conversation, but I got some pretty big news…
BEATRIX
Al, can you give us a second, please?
AL
I literally could only give you probably, five minutes and 47 seconds now.
A little countdown beep starts up.
BEATRIX
What?
AL
Oh boy, Oh geez. Oh, man. Something’s happening. Something bad.
BARTHOLEMEW
Okay… Al, this was going to be sort of a big conversation. I was going to explain my whole history with Beatrix and me and, and Bob, and there’s a lot to cover in that time. I’m not sure that five minutes and 47 seconds will do it.
AL
That’d be 5:30…
Bob’s voice cuts in on the radio. Water is gurgling in the background.
BOB
Is it working? Is it working?
BEATRIX
Oh my god! Bob!
BOB
Beatrix! Bartholomew! Barty, can you hear me?
BEATRIX
Oh my gosh! Where have you been? It’s been days!
BOB
I don’t have time. I’ve moved up the time schedule! You have 30 seconds. Hold on to something!
BEATRIX
30 seconds? What are you talking about?
BARTHOLEMEW
Okay, Beatrix, I have 30 seconds, I have to get this out, before whatever happens happens, you need to hear this.
BEATRIX
Get what out?!
BARTHOLEMEW
(speaking fast)
We were on a ship, but you don’t remember because you reiterated and something went wrong with that reiteration. But we were on a ship and we got close and, and you and I, we went through a lot of experiences together, I hid from you the fact that we’re not sure what our real mission is anymore. And we sort of started falling in something like love or whatever, as we were building a house near mud. And then we got stuck in this underground and now you’re here and now you don’t remember all of that. But it was really, really meaningful to me and I think it was to you—
BEATRIX
(in sudden mental pain)
Aagh!
BARTHOLEMEW
—and at one point, we started to find that again, when we were down in the bowels and then we came back here after we kissed or resuscitated or whatever and that’s why I’ve been acting odd.
Silence. Then Beatrix jumps up and embraces Bartholomew.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew!
THE BOWELS
A different countdown timer is beeping. Water is still gushing in.
BOB
Okay, Al. Let’s see how we do this in the reboot, huh?
A massive explosion rocks the base. Walls cave in and alarms start to sound.
AL
Ow. I’m exploding right now. This this this… hurts a lot.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
OUTTAKE
KRISTI BOULTON
Episode.
SEAN HOWARD
(giggling hysterically)
Oh my god, I love you guys.
KRISTI BOULTON
“I’m exploding right now.”
PHIL JOHNSTON
Wow, that was a big one!