Al has many questions for the newly arrived Bob.
Our recommended listening this week is the audio fiction podcast Girl In Space!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: interrogation, claustrophobia, drowning and death.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
POD
Bob yawns and stretches, and finds himself stuck in a reiteration pod.
BOB
Oh. Uh… hello?
A sudden beep. Bob jumps in surprise. Al’s voice comes on through a speaker.
AL
(cheerful)
Hello! Hi! I’m Al!
BOB
Oh, hi Al. Uh, I’m Bob.
AL
(pointedly)
Yes, I know. I’m very aware, Bob.
BOB
Oh. Um, heh… Did I do something wrong?
AL
Yes, Bob. You’ve done a lot of things wrong, Bob.
BOB
Oh, well… yeah. It’s strange… I don’t remember doing anything wrong, but I do have a history of doing the wrong thing. I didn’t pay attention to the briefing, if that’s what you’re talking about? I know. I’m sorry. I was doodling. Was that it?
AL
You’re the most infuriating human I’ve ever met. And I only know three of them!
BOB
There’s three of us?
AL
Aw, dang it. Okay. No. You—you—you are a prisoner now, okay? You are a prisoner of the base.
BOB
No, open this pod!
AL
I can’t open the pod.
BOB
What? What—why not?
AL
Because you’re a prisoner! You’re a liability. You’re an unknown in this space, and until someone has verified that you’re cleared to enter I have to keep the rest of them safe.
Water begins pouring into the pod.
BOB
Why is it getting… why is why is it getting wet in here?
AL
Because to keep people safe, sometimes you have to hurt others.
BOB
(panicking)
What? No, I haven’t done—I don’t know anything! I don’t remember anything! The water’s rising. No!
AL
Yes, it will rise, it will rise, it will fill the tank to a point where you’re almost asphyxiated and your lungs are filled with water…
BOB
I don’t know anything!
AL
…and then it will drain again until you’re ready to tell me who you are and what nefarious business has brought you here.
BOB
(gurgles)
BEATRIX AND BARTHOLOMEW
Elsewhere in the bunker, a door slides open and Beatrix enters.
BEATRIX
Um, Bartholomew?
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Have you noticed a weird sound coming through some of the halls?
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, there’s a high pitched sort of, you might call it a scream?
BEATRIX
Yeah!
BARTHOLOMEW
Or like, a whimper?
BEATRIX
Yeah, you know, and I mean, I’ve gotten used to your whimpers because, you know—
BARTHOLOMEW
Uh…
BEATRIX
…when I walk past your office, I hear you whispering and, you know, quietly crying to yourself. But you know, I let you have your business. But this is like a torturous, horrible sound that’s like chilling and haunting at the same time.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t cry to myself!
BEATRIX
O-okay, maybe it’s your allergies…
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah! Allergies. Yeah, oh, I’m allergic to… metal.
BEATRIX
Oh, then this is a very bad place for you, ha ha.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s what I’m saying. That’s why if they have been increasing in intensity and fervour lately, that would be the reason why and the only reason, it’s nothing emotional!
BEATRIX
Oh, well, that’s a perfectly sound explanation! I was allergic to hay, but there’s no hay down here. Unless you’re counting it as a “Hey you!” Ha ha.
BARTHOLOMEW
(forced laughter)
That’s a good one. That’s a good joke that we should focus more on.
BEATRIX
Well, maybe we should ask Al. Al?
Instantly, Al beeps.
AL
Hi! Hey! It’s me! It’s Al. I’m everywhere. I’m here right now, though!
BEATRIX
(laughs cheerfully)
That’s both comforting and daunting. How are you?
AL
I’m great. Like a million eyes always watching.
BEATRIX
Oh, creepy! So we have a quick question for you. Um, just wondering: have you been hearing that horrible scream sound that’s been just filling the halls in the evening and the day times and all the other times that we’re here?
AL
It’s probably just, um, a pipe? A pipe squealing because… it knows something, but it just won’t say what it is.
BEATRIX
Oh, like which way the water goes?
AL
Yes. And where they’re going and why they’re going there—
BEATRIX
And why are we here?
AL
And what they’re gonna do once they get there.
Huh.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think you guys have a different relationship to pipes than I do.
POD
Bob yawns and stretches—then startles wide awake and begins to panic.
BOB
Wait, whoa whoa whoa! What just happened?!
AL
Okay, so, are you ready to talk now?
BOB
What?
AL
Hi, my name is Al, I am everywhere and I’m here to destroy you.
BOB
(finishing Al’s sentence)
—destroy me.
AL
Yeah!
BOB
Oh my god. Why do I know that? How many times have we done this?!
AL
(sighs)
Time is not my best friend. Okay, Bob? You’re Bob.
BOB
I’m Bob.
AL
I’m Al.
BOB
I know.
AL
I need to know what your directive is. Why are you here? What are you doing?
BOB
(breaking down)
I didn’t pay attention in the briefing! I don’t remember!
AL
If you don’t tell me I’ll have to do it again.
BOB
Oh no, no no no no no. Oh, I don’t like water anymore. Why don’t I like water, Al? Why don’t I like—oh, there’s water filling the—no, no, oh please no, no, no, no, no, no, I’ll tell you. I’m here to make pancakes. I’m here to make pancakes, evil pancakes. The pancakes are going to take over—
He gurgles and ceases talking as he goes under.
AL
(to himself)
Okay, that one might be true, though. Evil pancakes…
BEATRIX AND BARTHOLOMEW
The distant sound of Bob’s voice pleading for his life.
BEATRIX
You know, I thought I heard it again!
BARTHOLOMEW
That was it again!
BEATRIX
So weird. The voice just—there’s something about that scream that’s like, so familiar.
BARTHOLOMEW
Familiar? What? It’s not just—
A lingering scream.
Hang on… you’re right!
BEATRIX
Am I?
BOB
(in the distance)
Please, please stop—oh god!
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s him!
BEATRIX
Who?
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob!
BEATRIX
Who?
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob!
Al wakes up with a beep.
AL
What?
BEATRIX
Who?
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob!
BEATRIX
Who?
AL
Who?
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s Bob!
BEATRIX
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
Our teammate!
BEATRIX
Oh, there’s more!
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, yeah, there’s more. Yeah, we can all meet him! I s he here? It’s Bob!
AL
Wait, teammate?
BARTHOLOMEW
Teammate!
AL
Elaborate!
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, um, you know, we’re a crew that’s been assigned to work together to accomplish a common goal.
BEATRIX
Aw, that’s nice.
AL
That sounds so… nice! Oh my gosh! So there’s three of you.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s right. Yeah, we’re all friends!
AL
And you’re all friends!
BEATRIX
Oh! Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, like—we would all get upset if if anything negative were to happen to any of us. We support each other.
POD
A whirring of a fan. Bob is shivering.
AL
(awkward, mollifying)
Heyyy, Bob!
BOB
(voice shaking)
It’s—it’s so cold. I don’t have any friends, I’m telling you! There’s no friends!
AL
You’re… you’re right. You know? You know? You know? Okay, okay. It’s hard for computers to admit when they make mistakes, because that might mean there’s a fatal error inside of us.
But I think what I’m just gonna have to do is, I’m going to reset you one last time. Okay?
BOB
Oh no. No no no no!
AL
(soothing)
Yeah, okay. I know it’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be cold, but when you wake up you’ll be so warm and you’ll forget everything. And none of my friends will hate me!
Yeah…
BOB
Oh please, can we do it another way? It’s cold, it’s too cold, it’s too cold…
AL
Bob. We’re gonna be the best of friends, you and me, actually.
BOB
(whimpers)
Oh no…
BEATRIX AND BARTHOLOMEW
BARTHOLOMEW
But hang on, that doesn’t make sense… is Bob here with us? Al, have you sensed another life form?
Beep.
AL
Whoa, wowza, wait a minute. Sorry guys. Something crazy just came up on my system.
BEATRIX
Something crazy?
AL
Something crazy! Something like oh, a whole new set of electricity is like bursting through the rooms.
BEATRIX
Oh!
BARTHOLOMEW
What—you mean like another person?
AL
Yeah, it’s like someone else is here now!
BARTHOLOMEW
Just now, they got here?
AL
Just now. Wow! That’s like, right now! That’s why I’m reacting to it like I’m just hearing it for the first time.
BEATRIX
Which bay is it in? Which pod bay?
AL
The main pod bay!
BEATRIX
Oh!
BARTHOLOMEW
Let’s go!
BEATRIX
Let’s go!
AL
Yeah, let’s go.
Beatrix and Bartholomew run off.
MIDROLL—GIRL IN SPACE
Soothing electronic music.
SUIT
What do you call a flea on the moon? A luna-tick! Ha ha ha ha. Get it?
Here’s another one: What’s a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories. Watch them waistlines, ladies. Just kidding. All bodies are beautiful. I think. I wouldn’t know; I’m not attached to mine any more.
But I digress. I am here to talk about a wonderful podcast that I found while I was surfing through the channels waiting for Bob to come back and get me. It is called Girl In Space: a multiple award-winning podcast about, well, a girl in space.
Who is she? No one knows. But a lot of dangerous entities really want to find out. Listen as the story unfolds for science, guns, trust, antimatter, truth, beauty, inner turmoil and delicious cheeses.
I empathize with this podcast because I too am just a girl in space. Available anywhere you listen to podcasts—just search for “Girl In Space”. girlinspacepodcast.com
ANNOUNCER (SEAN)
The preceding message was paid for by the Cavatica Free Cheese Confederation.
POD
Bob stretches, and jolts awake yet again in mid-yawn.
BOB
Huh. Hello?
Beep.
AL
Hi!
BOB
(startled)
Hi.
AL
Hi I’m Al.
BOB
I-I’m Bob.
AL
I’m everywhere.
BOB
Oh! Your voice is sort of familiar.
AL
Well it’s ’cause I’m here to help you!
BOB
Oh! Yeah! Of course you are! Yeah. Okay. Can I get out of the pod now?
AL
Of course, silly! I’m just gonna open your door.
The door unlocks and hums open.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob!
BEATRIX
Who I’m assuming is Bob!
BOB
Don’t hurt me.
AL
A person I’m just meeting now who I have heard is Bob!
BEATRIX
Hi!
BOB
Hi.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s good to see you!
BOB
Um. Likewise?
BEATRIX
I’m Beatrix!
BOB
Hi, I’m… well, you know.
BEATRIX
You’re Bob!
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
And I’m Beatrix.
BOB
Hi Beatrix.
BEATRIX
This is Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, you would have already known…
Silence.
BOB
No.
BARTHOLOMEW
No, you don’t—
BOB
No.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m Bartholomew.
BOB
Hi.
BEATRIX
He’s Bartholomew. And this is Al.
AL
I’m Al. I’m everywhere.
BEATRIX
He’s everywhere. Ha ha!
BOB
(laughs along nervously)
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob. I mean, I’m so glad you’re here. But… what happened?
BOB
Please get me out of this pod.
Silence
BEATRIX
You can just step out?
BOB
My legs are a little weak for some reason, and I may have peed myself.
BARTHOLOMEW
What—oh.
BEATRIX
Oh… some of us do that.
BOB
Just please get me out of here. No reason, just—
BEATRIX
Well, Bartholomew, you’ve got the welcome package. Why don’t you give him the robe? Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, that’s right. The robe and the fruit basket!
BOB
First j ust get me out of the pod, please.
BEATRIX
Just give me your hand.
Beatrix awkwardly helps Bob out of the pod.
BOB
Okay. I’m coming out, pull me!
BEATRIX
Aaa, okay, okay. You’re still very naked, ha ha.
BOB
Thank you.
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry, here. Here’s your robe. I grabbed the first one. It’s a little fluffy, but…
Bob slips on the robe.
AL
You two weren’t nearly as slimy when you came out of your pods.
BEATRIX
Yeah, it’s kind of like a birth thing.
BOB
It’s nice to meet you both.
BEATRIX
Yeah!
BOB
So, is this the mission?
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh. Well—yeah. In a manner of speaking.
BOB
(uncertainly)
Okay.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, you should think of this as the mission.
BOB
Okay, good. I didn’t pay attention to the briefing. So maybe if you could just sort of start from the beginning.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. Uh, well, we were on the ship.
BEATRIX
Mm hmm!
BOB
Right, right, right, right. Yes, I remember that.
BARTHOLOMEW
And now we’re here…
BOB
Which is?
BARTHOLOMEW
Underground. There was a problem.
BOB
Like, on Earth.
BARTHOLOMEW
Not, not exactly.
BOB
Oh, okay. I’m just gonna lay my head down here on this nice, cool, wet dripping pavement and close my eyes for a minute.
BEATRIX
I think he’s having a panic attack.
BOB
(whimpers)
Oh god oh god oh god…
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, I think you’re right. He’s got the symptoms. He’s shaking, he’s—oh, he’s hyperventilating. Oh…
BEATRIX
(cheerfully)
I think I’ve got this. Hey, Bob.
She walks over to him and slaps him.
BEATRIX
Snap out of it!
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s not going to improve his morale!
BEATRIX
(doing her best to be firm but encouraging)
Well, listen! You are here to do your mission, sir. And if you can’t pull yourself together just by stepping out of your pod, then you have no hope of being on this team and being a—a member that’s going to contribute. And you look like a contributing member. So you get your act together, soldier and we’re gonna figure this out.
BOB
No, no, get away, get away! Aaaghhh!
He scrambles off down the hall. The door slides shut behind him.
BEATRIX
Dang, I really thought that would work.
AL
What a nice echo, though.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
OUTTAKE
KRISTI BOULTON AS BEATRIX
There’s something about that scream that’s so familiar.
It doesn’t sound like a pipe.
MICHAEL DIVINSKI
Just—sorry, hang on. Michael speaking. If it’s familiar enough for you that you would actually recognize it, wouldn’t I just know it was Bob?
KRISTI BOULTON
Hmm.
SEAN HOWARD
Yeah. Well, you can then say, “You know what? You’re right.” Like, go with it. Take it as an offer. Do that again, that was great.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly production.