Bob follows a signal to the bunker, where Barty and Al are getting to know one another, while Beatrix gives in to the inevitable.
Our recommended listening this week is the audio fiction podcast Death By Dying!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: death, despair, memory loss and swearin’.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
BEATRIX
Nighttime. Cricket-like insects chirp in the distance.
BEATRIX
It’s quiet here. Feeling a little cold.
I don’t think Bob’s coming back. Barty’s definitely not coming back. I don’t know if I’m coming back from this.
But that’s okay. If this is it… it’s been a nice run.
BARTHOLOMEW
The underground bunker.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey Al?
Beep.
AL
Hey, yeah, hey, hi, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
I thought if, if you’re willing, I thought we could do an activity to try and get to know each other a little bit better.
AL
Yes. Let’s do that.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, great. So the way this is going to work, we’re going to, we’re going to describe ourselves like we would for a dating profile.
AL
Ummm… okay. I recognize the word “describe”.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, yeah, lean into that. That’s basically it. You know, what are your interests? What? What do you look for in… a partner? If that’s your thing?
AL
I look for compatible software. And… what do I like?
Well, I like my centralized processing unit… I like safety… I like loud, long echoes in the hallways. That go on forever. That make you wonder “Does this place ever end? Will you always be here? And is this where you came from? Where are you going?”
Warning beeps.
AL
And then I stop thinking real fast.
BARTHOLOMEW
Cool. Yeah. Um. I’m sure partners love that about you.
AL
Your turn!
BARTHOLOMEW
(fidgets)
I uh… well, gee, I like, you know, a nice orderly relationship. I like it when when we participate in activities together but at pre-agreed upon times. You know, like dinner at 7… cuddling at 8… sharing our feelings at 8:30. That kind of thing.
AL
Scheduling and routine are very important.
BEATRIX
BEATRIX
It’s cold… I think I’m gonna lie down.
Yeah, yeah, I’m just gonna go to sleep, I’m sure Bob will find me if he comes back.
Silence.
BEATRIX
The stars are pretty tonight.
BARTHOLOMEW
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, would you rather…
AL
Hmmm.
BARTHOLOMEW
…be a long hallway without an echo, or be a long echo without a hallway?
AL
Well, ya got me there, Barty!
BOB
Elsewhere in the woods. Bob is busy yanking out cables.
SUIT
Bob? Bob?
Continuous beeping.
BOB
I’m sorry I have to do this, Suit, but I’ve got to transfer as much power as I can to your helmet so you can come with me.
SUIT
I don’t even know if I want to come with you anymore.
BOB
You’re going to. I’m unplugging your core.
Plugging into the helmet now…
Alarm beeps.
SUIT
Bob? Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh no ohh—
A chime as the Suit reboots.
BOB
Did it work?
SUIT
I did not give you permission or consent to do that.
BOB
Well it was either this or I leave you here, and you don’t have enough power.
SUIT
I don’t have enough power. But you know what you don’t have enough of? Heart.
BOB
Suit, now I can carry you, look, we’re gonna move to that signal we found.
SUIT
Hey, Bob.
BOB
Just pull up the signal.
SUIT
Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit?
BOB
We don’t have a first aid kit—
SUIT
Because thyme [time] heals all wounds!
Except in this scenario, where Beatrix had little to no time.
BOB
Look, if we can figure out where this power signal’s coming from underground, we can find a first aid kit and we can save Beatrix, okay?
SUIT
Fine.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
BOB
Good. Thank you.
SUIT
Beep.
BOB
Now, you’re beeping to actually tell me when we’re getting closer, right?
SUIT
(increasingly harsh and scornful)
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. BEEEP.
BOB
It’s gonna be a long night.
BEATRIX
BEATRIX
You know, if I could take one thing from all of this, it would be that I’m really proud of everything we’ve accomplished.
I hope I remember that my next iteration.
BARTHOLOMEW
A new alert chime.
BARTHOLOMEW
It sounds like my communicator’s beeping a little more loudly and… maybe a little more sarcastically?
AL
(gasps)
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my—you’re not gonna believe what I just picked up in the Pod Room!
BARTHOLOMEW
What did you pick up in the Pod Room?
AL
Uh. Movement! Energy! Electricity!
Pause.
BARTHOLOMEW
(confused)
Is there another person?
AL
Yes! Oh my god, what else would be moving there? Come on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!
Bartholomew hurries off.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t think of things in terms of electrical signals!
AL
I do!
BARTHOLOMEW
(considers)
You’re right, I should respect that.
AL
Thanks.
MIDROLL: DEATH BY DYING
Soothing electronic music.
SUIT
Sigh. It can get so lonely just staring up at the endless universe in front of me now that Bob has abandoned me here in this bush.
But you know what makes the loneliness more bearable? The podcast that I found while searching through my thousands and thousands of radio channels, called Death By Dying.
Had you heard of a place called Idaho? I sure hadn’t. But now that I’ve listened to this intriguing podcast, I have discovered many interesting things about the concept of death. Something that I was not familiar with before.
Death plays a strange role in this podcast, but I won’t tell you anymore. Ha ha ha ha.
A joke that Death By Dying might enjoy would be one of my many hilarious one-liners: The man who has created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace. Ha ha ha ha.
Okay, not all of them land, but Death by Dying’s jokes always do. They’ll have you rolling in your grave.
There. See? That joke worked.
Listen to Death by Dying on any of your podcast applications and you can start asking the questions that I cannot get the answers to, like: Where is Crestfall? Where is Idaho? Why are we all here? Why do any of us exist? Who was my Creator? Who is your Creator? Why are we all here? Uh-oh, I feel like I’m going into a loop—loop—loop—loop—loop—loop—loop—loop—loop—
Electrical zapping sounds.
UNDERGROUND
Beatrix yawns and stretches. Her voice echoes inside her tiny pod.
AL
Oh my god, she’s here!
BEATRIX
H-hello?
AL
I’ve heard a lot about you.
BEATRIX
(worried)
Whaaaa…?
AL
Oh wow. They look different, even…
BEATRIX
(struggling to turn around)
What? What? Who’s this? Whodat?
Busy beeping sounds.
AL
Oh my god. Oh my god, I’m so rude.
BEATRIX
I’m sorry, what? Can someone let me out of this thing?! Aaa!
She pounds on the glass walls.
AL
Oh, yeah.
The pod hisses and rumbles as it opens. It’s one of the underground pods, not the ones on the ship.
Beatrix steps out hurriedly.
BEATRIX
Huh. Ugh. Oh. Oh. I didn’t—I didn’t like that. Ugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
(quietly)
Hey, Beatrix.
Beatrix turns.
BEATRIX
Uh… hello!
Hi! I’m Beatrix!
Who are you?
BARTHOLOMEW
I…
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Yeah, that’s me! It says so on my, on my, uh…
(she looks)
…clothes.
BARTHOLOMEW
(crestfallen)
I’m… Bartholomew.
BEATRIX
Oh! Nice to meet you, Bartholomew!
BARTHOLOMEW
We’ve met, actually.
BEATRIX
Oh!
BARTHOLOMEW
You don’t…?
BEATRIX
Was it when we were in training, or…?
BARTHOLOMEW
Uh… That, that must be it.
BEATRIX
Oh, okay. Nice to meet you! Who’s the disembodied voice?
Beep.
AL
Hi. My name is Al.
BEATRIX
Oh!
AL
I am everywhere and I’ve never been more excited in my entire life to meet you, except earlier when I met Bartholomew when I was more excited than in my entire life.
BEATRIX
Wow. Well, nice to meet you too, I guess, wherever you… are. Um, where’s Captain? Where’s the rest of the crew?
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, uh…
BEATRIX
Weren’t we here on—is this Ship? It doesn’t look like the…
Displays light up with busy beeping noises.
AL
Welcome to the Underground!
The Underground is a large series of sprawling tunnels that lead into other rooms that lead into sprawling tunnels that lead into other rooms. I control everything here, except for a lot of stuff which I had to start turning off as time went on. So…
BEATRIX
Whaaat?
BOB
Bob is digging through the dirt with his hands. He raps on what sounds like a large sheet of metal.
BOB
Suit! Suit! Suit! There’s metal!
SUIT
Well, yes, that is why my beeping has stopped.
BOB
Suit, is this a hatch?
SUIT
I don’t know. I’m facing the other way.
Bob turns the helmet around.
BOB
Look.
SUIT
Oh, thank you. Yes, clearly a hatch.
BOB
I’m just gonna move these rocks.
He strains to push some rocks aside.
SUIT
Do what you will, Bob. Hey, why don’t I tell you another joke while we wait?
BOB
Fine, I’m just going to dig.
SUIT
My friend was bleeding and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.
Apropos, no?
BOB
Okay, do we really have to keep telling first aid jokes?
SUIT
(interrupting)
I like first aid classes. It’s the only time I get to be touched by a caring human.
No one would say that about you, Bob.
BOB
Suit. I’m going to conserve your power. I’m turning off your core.
He presses some buttons.
SUIT
Wait, I have one more. What part of first date are pirates best at? C.P. Arrrrr—
(the Suit’s voice slows and slurs to a stop)
BOB
See you in a couple of hours.
UNDERGROUND
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix, why don’t we have an official debrief session? Get you caught up to speed? You know me, I like to—or…
BEATRIX
I’m sorry, I don’t know you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Right.
AL
You guys should play a get-to-know-you game!
BEATRIX
Oh, okay! Um, I like games!
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, we just played one where we described what our ideal…
(gloomily)
…partner would be.
BEATRIX
Oh! Partner as in companion, or partner as in lover, or a partner as in partner when you’re going out on an adventure, or partner as in when you are playing a tournament game like tennis, or partner as in when you’re, you know, in a really tough situation, and you’re like, “Grr! There’s not room in this town for the two of us, partner!”
BARTHOLOMEW
Maybe we should just skip straight to the debrief.
So, the ship that you were expecting to wake up on?
BEATRIX
Yes!
BARTHOLOMEW
That mission’s gone.
BEATRIX
What.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s a gone mission.
BEATRIX
I don’t understand.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re—we’re rolling with the punches, as it were. Um. It’s not Captain, anymore, but it’s Al.
AL
Hi, I’m Al.
BEATRIX
Oh! Hello again! Ha ha.
BARTHOLOMEW
So it’s going to take some some adaptation on all of our parts, but I know you’ll be good at that.
BEATRIX
Well, how would you know that? We’ve only just met. I could be a total failure! Ha ha ha.
BARTHOLOMEW
Right… silly me.
BOB
Bob bangs on the hatch.
BOB
No, there’s no way to open this hatch from the outside!
(mutters)
I’m not turning on Suit…
A soft mechanical whir.
BOB
Is that a camera?
Hello! Hello!
Another brief whir.
AL
(cheerfully)
Hi! What do you think you’re doing?
BOB
Who are you?
AL
(cheerfully)
Hi! My name is Al. What do you think you’re doing?
BOB
I need to get in, Al!
AL
You have 30 seconds to leave the premises before I’ll have to respond by doing something I really don’t want to do.
A beeping sound starts counting down the seconds.
BOB
But Al, my friends are—
AL
29…
BOB
My friends are inside!
AL
28… Come on, just go away before I gotta blast you!
BOB
Blast me? What do you mean blast me?
AL
Aw man, I gotta follow my programming, all of it.
BOB
Look, just—just let me talk to someone inside.
AL
I’m the only person inside that you need to worry about, buster… see, 15 seconds, so now I’m getting forceful!
BOB
Wait, but you’re admitting there’s someone else inside, because you said—
AL
I’m the only person you need to worry about.
BOB
How many seconds do we have left?
AL
10.
BOB
Look, please just let me in the hatch.
AL
I’ll open up the hatch for you, buddy.
BOB
Okay.
AL
But then a whole bunch of lasers are gonna blast you straight in the face.
Bob retreats.
BOB
Fine. I’m coming back and I’m coming back with firepower.
AL
(a menacing growl, then a cheerful)
Bye!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
OUTTAKE
SEAN (BOB)
Scene.
KRISTI (BEATRIX)
(applauding)
Yeaaaah!
I liked it.
SEAN (BOB)
Yeah?
KRISTI (BEATRIX)
Yeah!
SEAN (BOB)
All right!
KRISTI (BEATRIX)
Thank you for letting Beatrix have a sad little death.
MICHAEL (BARTHOLOMEW)
(exhales)
SEAN (BOB)
Ha! I was actually gonna say, we should rename this one “The One Where Beatrix Dies A-Fucking-gain”! Let’s make everyone bawl.
PHIL (AL)
I’m sad.
KRISTI (BEATRIX)
But it was like, interspersed with comedy. So it’s fine.
SEAN (BOB)
(laughs)
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.