No ship. No mission. No schedule. Barty’s taking it easy, and Bob is worried. Meanwhile, Beatrix makes a discovery by the river.
This episode is brought to you by Fiction Podcast Weekly!
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard, with special guest Katie Kotulak.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: violence and harm, and some body horror.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
ELI
Greetings, crew members! It’s Eli here, your producer/sound designer, letting you know that this week’s episode—the penultimate episode in this season of Civilized—is brought to you by Fiction Podcast Weekly. It’s an email newsletter that has the latest news from the world of audio fiction, audio drama—whatever you want to call it, they’ve got it covered. There’s article links, there are the latest shows that are launching, the latest shows that are crowdfunding, all of that in your inbox. Go to thepodcasthost.com/fictionpodcastweekly or just tap the link in our show notes.
I said penultimate episode; yes, there is one more after this, both of them starring our special guest Katie Kotulak. After which we will be on hiatus, working on the other shows in our roster here at Fable and Folly. In the meantime, there is going to be a very special surprise coming in less than a week. I will say no more, but follow us on the social media, or join our newsletter to be apprised of all the details on that.
Meanwhile… what’s happening down on that there mysterious planet?
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
THE HOUSE
Alien birds sing outside. In the house, Beatrix wakes slowly with a yawn.
BEATRIX
Bob! Bartholomew!
BOB
I’m right here.
BEATRIX
Oh, sorry.
BARTHOLOMEW
Me too.
BEATRIX
Oh, haha! Why’d you guys let me sleep in again?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, the rules have changed a bit, haven’t they? It’s not as if we really have a schedule to keep anymore.
BOB
(darkly)
Some of us do.
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Right.
BEATRIX
Okay. Well, we’re not going to get serious this early today. Okay, let’s just… What day is it, Bartholomew? It’s Sunday?
BARTHOLOMEW
I think that’s right. Yeah.
BEATRIX
Let’s just pretend it’s Sunday!
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. Oh, it’s time for my reflection hour.
BEATRIX
Exactly! Time for your reflection hour… it’s time for rest and relaxation. The only thing we need to do today is go down to the river and get some fresh water. It’s the only thing on the agenda.
BOB
Okay, well, nobody go alone. Remember, we have to go with a buddy. It’s safer that way. It’s in the protocols.
BEATRIX
Okay, Bob. Fine.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, he’s right. It’s in the protocols, and we should go, but… I mean, things have changed a little bit. Bob, you’ve been hitting the protocols pretty hard, hey? That’s normally my job!
(laughs)
BOB
(serious)
Yeah, it is.
Silence.
BEATRIX
Okay, you know what? I-I’m gonna go. I’ll go get the water.
BOB
Okay, somebody has to… Barty?
BARTHOLOMEW
I’ll go.
BEATRIX
(over Bob’s protests)
No, y’know, I’m just gonna go. I’m just gonna go. It’s fine.
BOB
Fine. Fine.
BEATRIX
It’s fine. It’s fine.
I’m just gonna go get some water, and then we’ll have a nice game of you know, pick-up sticks, and everything will be fine. We’ll just have a nice Sunday. Okay?
BOB
All right. I’m gonna work on these windows.
BEATRIX
(sigh)
Fine.
She leaves. The door slams behind her.
BOB
You could help me with the windows, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLOMEW
(lets out a breath; unenthused)
Yeah, let’s do the windows. I can do the windows.
BOB
Okay, so let’s find as many big rocks as we can.
BARTHOLOMEW
Big rocks?
Bob heads for the door too.
BOB
Yeah, we’re just gonna close them in.
BARTHOLOMEW
But, what? No, it’s nice to have a bit of light in the shelter.
BOB
We can leave a slit and then we can shoot out and no one can get in.
BARTHOLOMEW
What are you protecting us from, Bob? I mean, I know we don’t have the ship. But you know, things have been relatively quiet. I think we’re okay here.
BOB
Oh, well, instead, you could just start talking to me about what our mission really is, if you prefer.
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Let’s get some rocks.
THE RIVER
Beatrix is gathering water in a metal bucket.
BEATRIX
(grumbles under her breath)
…always making… this new Bob sucks…
Another voice speaks, matching Beatrix’s almost exactly.
THE STRANGER
(grumbling)
…new Bob…
Beatrix falls silent. Then:
BEATRIX
Hello?
THE STRANGER
(from inside the bucket)
Hello?
BEATRIX AND THE STRANGER
(simultaneous)
Hello?
BEATRIX
(gasps)
Is someone there?
THE STRANGER
Is someone there?
BEATRIX
(screams)
THE STRANGER
(screams)
Beatrix throws the bucket away. The STRANGER goes with it.
Silence.
BEATRIX
(to herself)
Oh my god—what is happening…?
THE STRANGER
…what is happening…
BEATRIX
(shouts)
Okay, who’s playing—
Bartholomew!
THE STRANGER
Bartholomew!
BEATRIX
Bob!
THE STRANGER
Bob!
BEATRIX
Okay, this isn’t funny.
THE STRANGER
(overlapping with Beatrix)
Okay, this isn’t funny.
BEATRIX
Okay.
THE STRANGER
Okay.
BEATRIX
Someone’s playing a mean joke—
THE STRANGER
Someone’s playing a mean joke—
BEATRIX
And that’s not even a good impression!
THE STRANGER
That’s not even a good impression!
BEATRIX
All right.
THE STRANGER
All right.
BEATRIX
Why don’t you come out? Why don’t you come out, this isn’t funny anymore.
Something slowly emerges from the reeds by the river.
BEATRIX
(trembling)
What the…? Whaaa—
THE STRANGER
Whaaaa—
BEATRIX
W-what are you—what—what are y…?
THE STRANGER
W-what are—who?
THE HOUSE
Bob sets a huge rock in the window opening.
BOB
All right, one more, Barty, and we’ll be sealed in.
(no reaction from Bartholomew)
What’s the matter? We’re not going to argue about the window again, are we?
BARTHOLOMEW
(sighs)
We did this to you.
BOB
You did… this to me?
BARTHOLOMEW
We haven’t talked about that room at the back of my office.
BOB
Yeah, the armoury? With the power suits?
BARTHOLOMEW
The other day, Beatrix and I were walking, and I gave her the opportunity for question time.
As much as I don’t think that knowing everything is good for her, or for you, or for anybody… you have my ear. Question Time. Go ahead.
BOB
Okay.
I might ask about the manifest, but I’ve read that now.
Instead, I want to ask about Code 27364.
BARTHOLOMEW
The override.
BOB
Yeah. And why has it been used three times?
BARTHOLOMEW
(carefully)
The Captain… was meant to be the leader of the original mission.
BOB
There is no mission, is there?
BARTHOLOMEW
The original mission has been scrapped.
BOB
Yeah.
THE RIVER
BEATRIX
Okay.
THE STRANGER
(still matching Beatrix’s voice)
Okay.
BEATRIX
Um… I am Beatrix!
THE STRANGER
I am… Beatrix!
Silence.
BEATRIX
Wha?
No, no, I’m Beatrix.
THE STRANGER
(cheerfully)
Oh, I see. It’s a greeting!
Hello.
BEATRIX
Hello.
THE STRANGER
Hello.
BEATRIX
Hello!
THE STRANGER
How many times do you do this?
BEATRIX
How many times do you do this? See, it’s not very fun, is it?!
I’m sorry. That was an overreaction. I’ve been living a very tense existence lately.
Um. Hi, let me start over. Hi. I’m Bea—whoa. Why are you changing shape?
A shuddering, shimmering noise.
BEATRIX
What is happening right now?
Oh. Oh! Oh! Why do you look like me? Ooooh. Oh no!
The noise fades.
THE STRANGER
Hi! I look like you now!
THE HOUSE
BARTHOLOMEW
So now you know.
BOB
Yeah. Bartholomew, don’t take this the wrong way, but… I don’t know if you’re the most qualified person to be making these decisions.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’d say I’m just about all we’ve got.
BOB
There’s a pod. It’s supposed to have a security officer in it. Why don’t we have a security officer, Barty?
BARTHOLOMEW
(terse)
Bartholomew.
THE RIVER
NNHOH
My name is Nnhoh.
BEATRIX
Nnhoh.
NNHOH
No. Nnhoh.
BEATRIX
Nnhoh.
NNHOH
(slightly more guttural)
Nnhoh.
(cheerful)
You’re very bad at this.
BEATRIX
That’s kind of rude, but okay, well… I’m sorry, I’ve just never met anyone like you.
NNHOH
Oh, there are very few like me!
But I am like you now, right? I am good, yeah?
BEATRIX
Um… I don’t know how to feel about that statement.
(laughs nervously)
NNHOH
Well, I’m trying to make you more comfortable by taking on your form.
BEATRIX
Yeah, um—that’s very kind, but I feel a little strange looking at myself when it’s not really myself; like things are just a little… off, you know?
NNHOH
Would you like more eyes?
BEATRIX
No, no, five is enough, thank you.
NNHOH
Oh!
BEATRIX
It’s already about three too many. But I mean, beggars can’t be choosers, right? Ha ha.
NNHOH
I can do less. I can do less eyes!
A slurping sound.
BEATRIX
Oh… they just went right into your face. Okay.
(laughs nervously)
THE HOUSE
Bob peers out the window.
BOB
Bartholomew, I don’t think this is the time. Look through the slit.
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix is coming back.
BOB
Beatrixes.
Outside the house. Bob opens the door and steps out, leveling his gun.
BOB
Stop there! I’m armed.
BEATRIX
(sighs)
NNHOH
(sighs)
BEATRIX
Okay, I’ll take care of this.
NNHOH
Okay.
BOB
I said stop!
BEATRIX
Bob…
The shimmering noise returns. Nnhoh’s voice deepens suddenly.
NNHOH
(in Bob’s voice)
Stop!
BEATRIX
Oh, my God.
BOB
Which one? Which one is the real Beatrix?
NNHOH
Which one? Which one is the real Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Woah, woah, woah! Everybody calm down!
Okay, Nnhoh, please stop transforming into Bob. We have enough of him—oh, you’ve gotten tall.
NNHOH
(still in Bob’s voice)
Okay.
An electronic whining sound as Bob powers up his gun.
BEATRIX
Okay, everybody calm down.
BOB
It’s me…
BEATRIX
Yes, it is you, but it’s not you, Bob. Okay. Put your gun down!
Bob powers down again.
BEATRIX
Bartholomew, say something!
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob. Remember what you said about the ship being gone. We don’t know what happens if we die.
NNHOH
(slowly adopting Bartholomew’s voice)
…what happens if we die…
BARTHOLOMEW
I-I got this, Beatrix.
NNHOH
I-I got this.
BEATRIX
No, I’m Beatrix!
BARTHOLOMEW
We don’t know what…
NNHOH
We don’t know what…
BARTHOLOMEW
We don’t know what happens if any of us die.
NNHOH
(almost simultaneous now)
We don’t know what happens if any of us die.
BOB
Ohhh, it looks like Bartholomew now. And I so want to shoot Barty.
BEATRIX
Bob!
BOB
Step away from the creature, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
No, I’m not letting you harm her… it… thing… Nnhoh. I’m sorry, I’m very bad at this.
Nnhoh’s voice slurs as she transforms back to an imitation of Beatrix.
NNHOH
That’s okay. I think maybe it’s better if I take this form. It seems to be the one that’s less offensive to your leader.
BEATRIX AND NNHOH
Heh…
BARTHOLOMEW
We haven’t decided on who’s leading this. It’s more of a group—
BOB
I could just wing you, Beatrix, and I can go right through your shoulder and get it.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob. Where was this when we met the Moip?
BEATRIX
This is my point. This is not the Moip!
BOB
What Moip?
NNHOH
(brightly)
Oh, I know the Moips! I studied them. They were my last subject!
BEATRIX
Studied them… oh my—you know the Moip?
NNHOH
Yeah, I know the Moip!
BOB
Why do you all know the Moip and I don’t?!
BEATRIX
Bob… You know Moips…? Tickle bug?
BARTHOLOMEW
He’s been through an iteration since then.
BEATRIX
Oh, right.
NNHOH
Oh, you’re iterative! Fascinating! I should make a note.
A strange voop! noise.
BEATRIX
Wha? What’d you do?
BARTHOLOMEW
Your head just glowed.
NNHOH
I made a note—I believe you would call it a note? In your language?
BEATRIX
Okay, what is happening? Bob, Put the gun down. Let’s just—what is…?
First of all, this is Nnhoh.
NNHOH
Nnhoh.
BEATRIX
Nnhoh.
NNHOH
She says it wrong.
BEATRIX
Nnhoh.
NNHOH
Nnhoh.
BARTHOLOMEW
Nnhoh.
BEATRIX
Nnhoh.
NNHOH
You’re slightly better at it.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, thank you.
BOB
Okay, what is going on here?
NNHOH
Well, I was merely doing some studies down by the water when this interesting creature came by.
BEATRIX
That’s me!
BOB
I told you you shouldn’t go to water alone.
BEATRIX
Well, I didn’t come back alone!
I’m not making the same mistake that I did with the Moips. They don’t seem to pose a threat, beyond the ability to shape shift into whoever they are presently engaged with.
NNHOH
When she came upon me, I was swimming in the water like a tadpole!
BEATRIX
She was! She was in my bucket for a minute.
BOB
(serious)
So you can look like anyone?
NNHOH
(very serious)
Yes, I can look like… anyone.
BOB
Okay, that’s creepy.
BEATRIX
Well, when you say it like that… I mean, she could say it like, “Yeah, I look like anyone!”
NNHOH
(cheerful)
Yeah, I look like anyone!
BEATRIX
There you go!
NNHOH
I really feel like this is the form that offends you all the least!
Nnhoh and Beatrix laugh in perfect sync.
BOB
(sighs)
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob, they don’t seem hostile.
BOB
What do you want?
NNHOH
I would love to learn more about your language. It’s incredibly simple!
(amused)
Your linguistic use of vibrating vocal folds is rudimentary at best. It’s fascinating. I don’t know that I’ve seen a creature so low evolutionarily, oh, in at least 10,000 years.
BOB
Do you have a ship?
NNHOH
Oh, no. Do you still use ships?
(delighted laughter)
BEATRIX
I’m sorry… I’m feeling quite attacked right now.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah.
BEATRIX
Usually, it’s, you know, I’m fleeing from being attacked. But right now this feels kind of like an emotional attack. I don’t like it as much.
BARTHOLOMEW
They’re saying the Moip is more evolved than us.
BEATRIX
Rude.
NNHOH
No, I’m not attacking! I believe in your culture, you’d say “I come in peace”.
BOB
Uh huh.
NNHOH
So simple.
BOB
I’m gonna check the perimeter. Keep your eye on… whatever this is.
He stalks away into the woods.
BEATRIX
Anyway… I gotta ask… do you pose any threat?
(nervous laugh)
NNHOH
(laughing)
Well, it depends on what you think of as a threat!
BEATRIX
That doesn’t answer my… okay.
NNHOH
(unhelpful)
Yeah!
BARTHOLOMEW
In what way would you pose a threat?
NNHOH
(in the same cheerful tone as ever)
Well, my job is to study languages and civilizations. I’m a linguistic anthropologist, is the word I believe. Really, your brains are quite simple and easy to scan. It’s fascinating!
And essentially, my job is to come, take note—ha! Then I leave and go on to my next subject. And now that all of the species on this planet have been catalogued, we can exterminate!
BEATRIX
Uh, wha—woah , ha…
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, most of that sounded fine…
BEATRIX
Yeah. But it’s—it’s that last word? You know how you say that you take “note”?
NNHOH
Sorry, did I use it wrong?
BEATRIX
Ha ha, oh no, you didn’t. I’m just wondering if you used the word “exterminate” correctly?
NNHOH
I may not be. I am still learning after all. It will take me probably about 48 hours to fully catalogue the linguistic properties of a language as simple as yours.
Um, “exterminate” would mean… to end? To eradicate. Um, to kill, there’s an easy one. You guys probably have that.
(laughs)
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, the good news is, it sounds like you used it correctly.
THE WOODS
BOB
(to himself, sarcastically)
“Don’t worry about it, Bob. Everything’s fine. Just alien life. Let’s trust it!” I’m sure.
God, they don’t understand. They don’t see, why do they not see?
He punches some buttons. The power armour suit begins to power up.
BOB
Suit?
Beeping and whirring.
SUIT
Suit engaged. How is your day going, Bob?
BOB
It’s just like you said, Suit. They don’t understand.
SUIT
Oh, I’m sorry. Would a joke make you feel better?
BOB
No.
SUIT
Are you sure?
BOB
I’m sure you’re gonna do it anyway, Suit—
SUIT
Bob. What’s brown and sticky?
BOB
Uh… what I left in my suit after the jump.
SUIT
Ha. No, but true.
No, Bob. The answer is: “a stick”. Ha ha ha ha.
BOB
Suit—
SUIT
Do you feel better, Bob?
BOB
No.
SUIT
Aww.
BOB
I think we might have to engage Alien Life Protocol.
Beeping sounds.
SUIT
Humour systems disengaged. Going into Alien Monitoring Protocol.
A sonar-like pinging begins.
THE HOUSE
BEATRIX
(high-strung laughter)
All right! Let’s just take a second here, okay, ha ha…
NNHOH
This is quite, quite strange! Your vocal patterns seem to be changing quite a bit! Wow!
BARTHOLOMEW
(nervous laughter)
Beatrix’s laughter turns into a long, anxious whine, which Nnhoh mimics closely.
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix, maybe we could sidebar.
BEATRIX
Uh, yeah! Okay. Ha ha. Just one moment, please!
NNHOH
Okay!
Beatrix tiptoes along behind Bartholomew, a few steps away from Nnhoh.
BARTHOLOMEW
(lowers his voice)
Did you hear what she said about what she’s doing? She’s studying and then exterminating. As long as there’s plenty of interesting things that we’re doing to study, the extermination won’t take place, you see?
BEATRIX
(softly)
Oh, okay—that’s so smart. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
So we’ve just got to be… just out there, you know? Just crazy! Who knows what we’re doing?
BEATRIX
Yeah, but I don’t really know how to do that on command? What do you even do? Like…
(straining noises as she tries to think)
Nnghh… this is my problem!
BARTHOLOMEW
I tell you what, Beatrix—what if your life depended on it? Because I think it does.
THE WOODS
Bob walks back towards the pinging Suit.
BOB
Perimeter is clear, Suit. Any update on the alien?
Readout beeps.
SUIT
It appears that the alien life form is independent of itself and its species on this planet.
BOB
Right. Can we determine the motivation?
SUIT
Motivation is to study and then exterminate.
BOB
Okay. Engage hostile action protocol.
SUIT
Bob, are you sure this is what you want?
BOB
Yes.
Beeps and whirring servos
SUIT
Engaging hostile protocol.
BOB
I’m going to come back from the other side.
THE HOUSE
BEATRIX
Okay, what’s something we could do?
BARTHOLOMEW
Uh… uh… Make a face?
BEATRIX AND BOB
(wide-open mouths)
Bleagh!
NNHOH
Bleagh!
BARTHOLOMEW
Now lemon face!
BEATRIX BOB AND NNHON
(scrunched-up faces)
Ooooooo!
Whirring and stomping as Suit approaches.
BEATRIX
Wait… what’s Suit doing?
BARTHOLOMEW
But… oh.
Panels whir open.
Bob’s voice comes on over the Suit’s speakers.
BOB
Beatrix, Barty, can you hear me?
BEATRIX
Yeah…
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s Bartholomew…
BOB
Move-ay away-ay from the creature-ay.
NNHOH
Oh, this is an interesting development. Different linguistic structures within your own species!
BEATRIX
Bob we’ve talked about this, you’re going to learn Pig Latin. It’s that the first consonant goes to the end of the word, and then you add -ay, unless it’s a vowel, so it would say “Ove-may away-ay om-fray e-thay alien-ay.”
BOB
Just do it! Now!
BARTHOLOMEW
(whispers)
That’s good, Beatrix. That’ll keep the creature engaged.
(aloud)
Bob. I think we figured out a plan. Why do we need to move back?
Rhythmic beeping begins: a countdown.
BOB
You don’t want to be anywhere near the creature when that Suit engages.
Whirring from Suit.
SUIT
Bob, we are ready to take part in the protocol.
NNHOH
(mimicking Suit now)
We are taking part in the protocol.
SUIT
Protocol engaged…
NNHOH
Protocol engaged…
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob, what protocol did you engage?!
BOB
Get down!
A thump and a roar as a missile flies out from the Suit.
BEATRIX
Get down!
Beatrix runs for Nnhoh just as the missile strikes. A massive explosion.
BARTHOLOMEW
This is why we weren’t putting you in the leadership role!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
TAG: AFTERMATH
Fire crackles.
BEATRIX
(weakly)
Bartholomew… I think I’m hurt…
NNHOH
(weakly)
Hurt…
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.