Beatrix and Bartholomew press on in search of the departed ship, but Bob isn’t feeling too well.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: death, screaming and some big ol’ gruesome body horror.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
LOST
Deep in the woods. Insect-like creatures buzz in the trees.
BEATRIX
Alright, gents. We’re gonna find Ship. We’re gonna get back. Everything’s gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine.
BOB
But my friends have all left.
BEATRIX
Oh, yeah. I guess you can only play so much Go Fish.
BOB
Okay. I just I thought they might come back, you know? I just—maybe we can just stay here a little bit longer, until—just to make sure they’re not coming back. Like what if they’re lost in the woods? All 320 of them?
BARTHOLEMEW
Quite frankly, Bob, I think it might be a good thing that they’re not around anymore. Weren’t you getting a threatening feeling from them?
BOB
No! We were playing Go Fish and Ticklebug and… they were hungry.
(chuckles, then grows more serious)
They did find the last of my chocolate.
BEATRIX
(pointedly)
I’m so glad that you felt like you could bond with them.
BARTHOLEMEW
And I suppose the threat they were posing to the ship was just entirely lost on you.
BOB
I’m the one who saved the ship!
BEATRIX
I’m the one who brought them here.
BOB
Um, I don’t know if that’s the argument you want to make right now.
BEATRIX
I don’t think you’re the argument you want to make right now. Bob.
BARTHOLEMEW
Listen, we we’ve all made mistakes
BEATRIX
Hmph.
BARTHOLEMEW
Including me. But we’re together now. And Beatrix, Bob and I have absolute faith in your scouting ability. Right, Bob?
BOB
Yeah, you’re the best.
BEATRIX
Yeah, you say that now.
BOB
I’ve always said that, actually. Like, I thought you did great! Like, you found the first life form on this planet and they play Ticklebug!
BARTHOLEMEW
And knowing you’re here, I’m even less nervous about not being inside the ship.
So lead on, intrepid leader.
Bob starts scuffing in the dirt.
BOB
All right, I’m just gonna point an arrow the way Beatrix wants to go. In case they come back.
BEATRIX
(collecting herself)
Okay. Okay, okay. All right, scout, scout, scout, scout, scout, scout, scout…
I feel like—BOB
No, wait! I have something in my sock. It’s the last chocolate bar, Beatrix. You’re the Scout, we need you to have all your strength.
She slowly takes the chocolate bar.
BEATRIX
(softly)
You’re giving this to me?
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
The last chocolate bar?
BOB
Well, I have one in my other sock.
BEATRIX
Oh. Still, the sentiment is nice.
Okay! All right! Yes! Okay. We got this.
(she unwraps the chocolate and eats while she continues)
Okay. So we’re going to go… left! Because when when ship left, when Captain left, she went in the direction of the tree line that was going downwards. So, we’re going to find her there, I think.
BOB
Okay.
BEATRIX
Everybody, just watch the sky and follow me!
Oh, and avoid pits and trees that move around you and look scary.
BOB
That was very specific. Okay.
They walk off into the woods.
CONTACT
On board the ship. A chime sounds.
COMPUTER
System update complete.
CAPTAIN
Beatrix? Come in, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
(over the radio)
Captain? Oh, my goodness, Captain. Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice!
CAPTAIN
Yeah, it’s good to hear your voice too. Glad you’re all non-tranquilized.
BEATRIX
Yeah, I woke up a couple hours ago. It was an interesting experience.
CAPTAIN
Oh… yeah. I’m still not over that.
BEATRIX
Um… I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing when I brought them aboard the ship.
CAPTAIN
You know what, that’s totally understandable. You wanted to be friendly and it was finding life on this planet—that must have been super cool for you to discover. But you didn’t ask me for permission.
BEATRIX
Well, Captain, lately it just hasn’t seemed like you’re that invested in us having a successful mission.
CAPTAIN
I’ll have you know, that this whole time, I’ve been working on a map to help you terraform.
BEATRIX
I mean, that’s amazing, Cap! That’s going to make my job a million times easier, and I appreciate it, but… I mean, there’s more to a mission than just the actual mission, you know?
Sometimes you want to feel like you’re appreciated or like you’re a family. Like you care.
CAPTAIN
Beatrix, I really want to connect with you. But my emotional capacitor is not functioning.
BEATRIX
Oh.
Can I fix it?
CAPTAIN
Can you please?
BEATRIX
I can try.
STAYING BEHIND
A swampy area. Frog-like sounds and insect buzzes.
BOB
Barty… Sorry. Thanks for holding up for a second. Look. Beatrix… she’s got our best shot to get you back to the ship. And I’m just going to hold you guys up. So… here, take the last of the water.
BARTHOLEMEW
Bob…
It’s Bartholomew. But also, Bob… we don’t want to just leave you here. You’re a part of the team too.
BOB
Look, it’s going to be dark soon. And I’m already holding you guys back. Look how far Beatrix is ahead.
I think… let’s be honest. At the end of the day, for the mission, you need the scout and we need you back at the ship… and someone else can scramble eggs. If they needed to.
Beat.
BARTHOLEMEW
Bob, I’m not going to tell you what to do here. But I want you to know that we care about you.
BOB
I know. But this is what I’m doing. Take the water, here’s the backpack, and you better catch up to Beatrix, she’s going to lose you soon.
He hands the backpack to Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
Come find us if you change your mind.
BOB
Yeah.
Bartholomew walks off, leaving Bob alone.
LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND
Bartholomew catches up to Beatrix, who is still marching on through the wilderness.
BEATRIX
Barty! Uh, Bartholomew, I’m sorry. Ha ha. Where’s Bob?
BARTHOLEMEW
He—he’s back there.
BEATRIX
What?
She stops in her tracks.
BARTHOLEMEW
He gave me the rations and told me that he would just slow us down.
BEATRIX
No—what do you mean?
BARTHOLEMEW
He thinks we’d have a better chance of getting back without him.
BEATRIX
No! Why did you let him stay?
BARTHOLEMEW
He made a choice.
In a way, that’s what we’ve been looking for out of Bob for a while now. I don’t want to tell him that the first choice he made was wrong.
BEATRIX
Barty… part of your function is morale management. You literally left him in the woods at night? On his his own!?
BARTHOLEMEW
I didn’t leave him. He left. There’s a distinction there.
You’re right. My job is morale management. And with strides like this, managing the morale of the next iteration is going to be easier.
BEATRIX
I don’t care about the next iteration! I care about this iteration! I don’t care about iterations in general! I care about people! I care about Bob!
BARTHOLEMEW
I care about the mission.
LAST WORDS
Bob is walking along slowly.
BOB
Captain? Can you hear me? I know you can. You might not answer, that’s okay. I just…
I couldn’t tell them how sick I am. I know you know. It’s getting worse. And, I guess I was just feeling lonely now. I know it’s better I don’t hold them—up…
(he groans, struck by a sudden spasm)
CAPTAIN
(over the radio)
Bob?
BOB
Yeah, Captain?
CAPTAIN
I just want you to know that… I’m proud of you.
BOB
Thanks, Captain.
CAPTAIN
You’re really… You’re really looking out for the team.
BOB
Thanks. I can feel it moving inside of me.
CAPTAIN
I know. You’re probably really scared.
BOB
Yeah. It’s getting hard to walk. I’m just gonna sit here.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Silence.
CAPTAIN
So tell me about your favourite memory.
BOB
Probably one of my forays out with Beatrix.
CAPTAIN
(softly)
Yeah.
Silence
BOB
Thanks for being here with me, Captain.
TURNAROUND
BEATRIX
Screw this! I’m not leaving him behind. No man left behind! I don’t care. You use your tracker to go find Ship. I’m using my tracker to go find Bob! You can come with or you can stay but regardless we are not leaving him alone! I don’t care if it takes hours. I’m going to find him!
BARTHOLEMEW
(placid)
Okay, you’ve made a decision. I’m not going to tell you to change your mind. Just like I wasn’t going to tell Bob. I’ll follow you.
BEATRIX
Okay.
Captain?
CAPTAIN
(over the radio)
Yes, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Have you been in touch with Bob?
CAPTAIN
I have.
BEATRIX
Where is he?
Pause.
CAPTAIN
That’s classified information.
BEATRIX
Captain. Where is he?
CAPTAIN
He’s fine. It’s classified information. Just know that he’s okay.
A scream in the distance.
BEATRIX
Bob!
She runs off.
NOT BOB
Beatrix and Bartholomew run up.
BEATRIX
Oh my god! Oh my god, Bob!
BOB
(gasping)
No, no! You shouldn’t be here!
Horrible squelching noises.
BEATRIX
I don’t care if I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not leaving you behind!
BOB
No! No! You don’t understand!
(screams in pain)
God, it’s coming out!
BEATRIX
What is happening?!
BOB
Oh god, it’s coming out of my stomach! I ate something I shouldn’t have eaten…
BEATRIX
Bob, what did you eat?!
BOB
Oh god it was a—remember that poop we found?
Oh god!
His next scream is cut off by slurping and wet cracking noises. Something is emerging.
BEATRIX
Oh my god. Barty, run! Run!
They run.
BARTHOLEMEW
I’m right behind you!
It’s Bartholomew!
BEATRIX
Just run!
BOB
(a slurring, inhuman voice, but still strangely chummy)
Hey, guys! Why are you running from Bob?
BEATRIX
(screams)
BARTHOLEMEW
It’s not Bob! That’s not Bob any more!
BEATRIX
It looks like Bob, it sounds like Bob, it runs like Bob, but it’s not Bob!
BOB
Slow down everyone, Bob’s coming!
BEATRIX
(screaming and weeping)
They sprint off into the night at top speed.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
TAG: SUCCESS
Aboard the ship. A pod hisses open, and Bob emerges.
CAPTAIN
Oh! Look who decided to show up!
BOB
(yawning)
Hi, Captain! Oh, hoo, I just… I feel funny.
CAPTAIN
Funny?
BOB
I feel different.
CAPTAIN
Different?
BOB
Like I know stuff.
CAPTAIN
Stuff?
BOB
Yeah, like… stuff.
CAPTAIN
Go on.
BOB
Like I understand marketing algorithms and dynamic segmentation and cross-tabulation?
CAPTAIN
Yep. That’s part of your memory chip.
BOB
Wow. Oh, I guess that’s just… normal!
CAPTAIN
Yeah. Can you just hold that thought right there?
BOB
Yeah.
A chime sounds.
CAPTAIN
(over loudspeakers)
Bartholomew?
BARTHOLEMEW
(over the intercom)
Captain.
CAPTAIN
Iteration 5633 is successful.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.