Bartholomew struggles to help improve Bob’s morale, while Beatrix has an unexpected encounter in the woods.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard, with special guest Scott Thompson!
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: colonizing, sulking, panic, forced medication and unwanted touching.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
PREPARING
The main room. A door slides open as Beatrix enters.
BEATRIX
All right, Bob! Are you ready?
BOB
(sighs)
Beatrix, I just don’t know. I don’t think I’m really… I don’t think I’m made out to be a scout.
BEATRIX
Bob! Come on. Do you need another motivational speech? I got a bunch in my bag.
BOB
No, I appreciate that. I just feel like… I just feel like I just let you down when I go with you.
BEATRIX
Oh, that’s true! But it doesn’t stop me from wanting you to come! I think one day you’re gonna be a great scout. I mean, how many times have I gone out in the woods and, you know, had to figure all this out. You just haven’t gotten out as much as me. I believe in you.
BOB
No, I don’t think you’re hearing me. I don’t want to go. I think I should just stay here and do my function.
BEATRIX
Oh. You… you don’t want to spend time with me?
BOB
Look, maybe we can talk about this later.
BEATRIX
Um… okay?
An awkward moment.
BOB
Thanks. Um, yeah—
BEATRIX
Yeah, no—
BOB
No. I guess I gotta go.
BEATRIX
I gotta go too.
BOB
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
A door slides open and he heads up the hallway.
BEATRIX
Bye?
THE KITCHEN
Bob is at work as the door slides open.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob?
BOB
Hey. Hey, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s 10am. You’re here in the kitchen right on time.
BOB
Yeah, yeah, I was, you know, trying to perfect the soufflé.
He tosses something to the side with a crash.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob, are you okay? You seem—
BOB
Sorry. Yeah, I set that down a little strongly, huh?
Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just you know, Barty, it’s sort of been bothering me, like… Beatrix took you to her special place the other day.
BARTHOLOMEW
Right.
BOB
Like, the glade she goes to when she needs to be alone.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s right.
BOB
The one that I’ve always asked to go to.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ah.
BOB
And I get it—it was her space. And it’s like, her choice, right, who gets to go there? I guess… I guess it’s just really bothering me.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob, do you think of Beatrix as your friend?
BOB
Yeah! I feel like we’re buds. Like, I know I’m a bit of a mess-up and a goof but… I don’t know. I just, I felt like we were, you know, like getting closer and, you know, helping fix the ship, and…
BARTHOLOMEW
So, you know, me, Bob. I love it when people want to do their role. And I think it’s great that you’ve come to the kitchen on time for I believe the first time.
BOB
Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
But I also care about us working together as a team and the truth is, I think that Beatrix makes you better. But I think you make her better too. I don’t think you should be offended.
BOB
I’m not. I’m not offended! Nobody understands me! Nobody in this place understands!
He storms off.
ENCOUNTER
Deep in the woods, insect-like creatures sing as Beatrix walks through.
BEATRIX
Well, I guess it’s just you and me today, Cap!
CAPTAIN
(over the radio)
Yup. Um, just a second.
COMPUTER
(over the radio)
System update complete. Rebooting.
There’s a chime and the radio goes dead.
BEATRIX
Cap?
Cap?
(sighs)
All right. Okay, I guess I’m on my own.
MOIP
(high-pitched voice)
Hello!
Beatrix whirls around, startled.
BEATRIX
What? Hello?
MOIP
Hello!
BEATRIX
Oh my—what—who are you?!
MOIP
The Moip!
BEATRIX
The—the—the what?
MOIP
The Moip!
BEATRIX
(frantic)
Um, uh… oh! oh! I have training about this, I have training about this. Um, how do I—how do you meet new life? How do you meet new life? Um, hello!
She stops short.
BEATRIX (CONT’D)
Oh!
You’re touching my face. Ew. Ooo. Oooo, you’re touching my face. That’s not in any of the manuals.
MOIP
You have ship?
BEATRIX
Oh! Yeah! Yeah I do! I have a ship! Uh, we landed here a few months ago—I think, I don’t actually know how long it was, but we—
MOIP
Take the Moip to your ship.
BEATRIX
Well… o-okay, I mean, heh, it’s really the first time that we’re meeting, I mean, this is kind of fast, don’t you think?
MOIP
Thank you!
BEATRIX
Oh, you’re walking. Okay, um, it’s just to the left!
QUARTERS
A corridor on the ship.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob, open the door. Let’s just talk.
Bob’s muffled voice comes through the door.
BOB
I’m not here.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob. You’re obviously here.
BOB
Fine. Captain, can you open the door?
Nothing happens. Bob knocks on the inside of the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
Let me try. Captain, would you mind opening the door to Bob’s quarters?
It would be much appreciated, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Oh, appreciation! Oh my goodness! That feels really nice. You should do that more often!
BARTHOLOMEW
Subtle, Captain.
BOB
The door—hello? Captain?
He knocks again. The door finally slides open and Bob emerges.
BOB (CONT’D)
Hey, Barty.
BARTHOLOMEW
(almost objects, then stops himself)
Barty is fine for this conversation.
BOB
Really?
BARTHOLOMEW
I know when to relent.
Bob… I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re really bothered. I don’t know what to do for you. What can I do? What…?
BOB
It’s okay, there’s nothing you can do. It’s just… I just feel like everything awesome happens to everyone else on this crew.
A door down the hall slides open and Beatrix races in.
BEATRIX
Guys! Oh my god, guess what?! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I made a friend! I made a new friend!
CAPTAIN
Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
An alarm begins to sound.
BEATRIX
No, no! Captain, it’s not an intruder!
CAPTAIN
Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
BEATRIX
No, Captain! This is my—we went in the woods and—and this is my friend! Introduce yourself!
The alarm stops.
MOIP
I am the Moip!
BEATRIX
This is the Moip!
Silence.
BOB
(explodes with rage)
What the—aargh!
BEATRIX
Bob, wait! Where are you going? Bob!
Bob stomps back into his room. The door shuts.
BARTHOLOMEW
And the quarter doors are closed again.
MOIP
Quarters? The Moip wants quarters!
The Moip makes a squeaky grunt—and splits in half with a pop.
MOIPS
Pop!
Moip! Moip!
BEATRIX
Oh my god, we have two friends.
MOIPS
Moips?
CAPTAIN
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
There’s more friends! No, guys! There’s more people to be… wait, should I be weirded out by that?
The Moips begin trotting around, exploring the ship.
MOIP
Ahh! Bed is comfy.
CAPTAIN
Beatrix, what the hell.
MOIPS
We will take from this ship what we like!
Yes, sell the rest!
BEATRIX
I found him in the woods. He was walking and I was walking and we just met and he said he wanted to see the ship, so I brought him!
Beatrix and Bartholomew hurry down the corridor to keep up with the Moips.
CAPTAIN
So we’re just inviting strangers over to our place now? That’s what we’re doing now? We’re just inviting random people without even verifying that they’re trustworthy?
BEATRIX
But Captain, I tried to contact you, but your comm wasn’t working.
MOIP
Hmm. Where’s the potable water?
BARTHOLOMEW
Captain, may I suggest temporary containment protocol in the rec hall.
CAPTAIN
Yes, I consent.
Beeping sounds.
BEATRIX
What? Don’t—no! This is my friend! He was out scouting like me. No, don’t put him on containment!
BARTHOLOMEW
Don’t think of it like containment. Think of it like… quarters. For threat verification.
CAPTAIN
Containment procedure beginning.
A warning chime sounds as a heavy door begins to slide shut.
BEATRIX
Captain, stop! The Moip! What do you want—this has never happened before!
CAPTAIN
In 10. 9. 8. 7. 6.
MOIPS
That voice in the speaker!
Moip likes!
BEATRIX
(in despair)
Why is everyone fighting today?!
Why can’t we all just…
CAPTAIN
5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
The door thuds closed.
MOIP
The Moip would like containment.
One of the Moips strains and splits in two with a pop.
MOIPS
The voice can stay.
The voice will stay!
Tell the others to leave!
Bob’s voice comes through the containment door.
BOB
(shouting)
Uh, guys? I can’t get into the rec centre. Are you guys in there?
BARTHOLOMEW
(shouting)
Bob, we’re… we’re contained right now.
MOIPS
These meat-bags are very strange.
And tall.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re analysing the situation. We have Moip here on board with us—Moip? Did I get that right?
MOIP
Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
Moips. We have multiple Moips here on board with us… and we can’t open the door right now.
BOB
I can’t quite hear you, Barty!
Beatrix runs around the room in a panic.
BEATRIX
I don’t like this I don’t like this I don’t like this. I don’t like being contained. I don’t like this. I don’t like this—what are we—how do we get out? How do we get out? Captain, come on, Captain, I don’t like this. I’ve never been in—I’ve never been contained like this before, I don’t like it!
A chime sounds.
CAPTAIN
Reducing oxygen levels.
BEATRIX
(hyperventilating)
BARTHOLOMEW
Captain, that can’t be the solution to everything!
MOIP
Rations?
BEATRIX
(snaps out of her panic for a moment)
I have gel bars! Here!
MOIP
Ohh! Moip likes gel bars!
Several of the Moips split in two again.
MOIPS
Moips! Moips!
BEATRIX
(melting down again)
She’s making all the oxygen—what’s happening?!
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, okay. Everyone, just calm down. Beatrix?
BEATRIX
(begins weeping)
BARTHOLOMEW
This is claustrophobia. I know this is tough. We’re going to be fine.
BEATRIX
I just wanted to go out in the woods. I just wanted Bob to come with me. If I wasn’t alone maybe I wouldn’t have made this mistake!
BARTHOLOMEW
Captain, do you think a tranquilizer would be appropriate in this instance?
CAPTAIN
Yes, I consent.
Bartholomew administers a high-tech hypodermic.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, there we go.
BEATRIX
Barty, what are you…?
She slumps to the floor.
MOIPS
Tranquilizer?
Moip wants a tranquilizer!
Moips!
The Moips split several more times.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, that’s certainly something we can talk about… Moips.
MOIP
Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
We have a protocol for this. So please, sit—if you have that ability?
MOIPS
Moips! Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s very good. Uh… so let’s just chat.
What, uh… what brings you here? What can we do for you?
MOIP
Do you have a bridge?
BARTHOLOMEW
A bridge?
MOIP
Ship bridge?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well…
MOIPS
Good idea, Moips!
Very good, Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
There’s the Mission Control Centre, I suppose.
MOIP
Moip wants to see the Mission Control Centre!
CAPTAIN
Absolutely not!
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m inclined to agree, Captain. Why so focused on the Mission Control Centre, Moip?
MOIP
This is Moip’s ship now.
MOIPS
Moips! Moips! Moips!
CAPTAIN
Oh, hell no.
MOIP
Moips?
MAINTENANCE ROOM
In another room, Bob struggles with a wrench, trying to reroute a pipe. Heavy equipment whines in the background.
BOB
Okay, Captain, I think I’ve got the coupler undone. I’ve never done anything like this before! I’m a little scared.
CAPTAIN
You’re doing great, Bob. This is the first time that you’re actually stepping up to the plate and helping out your teammates when they need you. This is awesome.
BOB
Well, I would potentially argue that like, you know, the ship with the solar panels? And then there was the time with the soufflé… No, okay, right?
CAPTAIN
This is not the time.
BOB
Right, I get your point. Okay. All right.
Okay, it’s off. Captain… are you sure about routing this into the rec centre?
CAPTAIN
Hundred percent. It’s going to work.
BOB
Okay, I’m gonna start. It’s gonna take me a minute.
CAPTAIN
Take your time.
But also hurry.
THE REC CENTRE
BARTHOLOMEW
I appreciate what you’re saying, Moips…
MOIPS
Moips. Moips.
BARTHOLOMEW
But you have to understand from our perspective that our ship is our livelihood, such as it is, and it’s not the sort of thing that we would just hand the reins over for.
MOIP
Moips will take that into consideration. Right, Moips?
MOIPS
Moips will take that into consideration! Moips! Moips!
BEATRIX
(slurring her words)
Where am I? What’s happening? Why are there 14 of that guy?
MOIPS
Moips!
We are Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Uh?
BARTHOLOMEW
This is Moip. And… Moip. And Moip. This is Moips.
MOIP
We are Moips!
BARTHOLOMEW
You brought Moips back to the ship.
BEATRIX
Huh?
BARTHOLOMEW
You had a bit of an episode. And we tranquilized you for the good of the mission.
BEATRIX
Ugh…
MOIPS
Moip! Moip!
MAINTENANCE ROOM
The whining machinery has grown higher in pitch.
BOB
Okay, Captain, that’s it. That’s the final turn.
CAPTAIN
Okay, good.
BOB
Okay, I just have to pull the valve.
CAPTAIN
Pull it!
BOB
But what’s it going to do to Beatrix and Bartholomew?
CAPTAIN
Well, they’re going to die a slow and painful death, but I’ll kill the Moips as well! And then you’ll just, you know, you’ll be the one left standing. It’ll be great.
BOB
I don’t think I can do that, Captain.
CAPTAIN
I know. It’s a tough call. We’ve gotta do it. The Moips are taking over. There’s like 14 of them! They’re multiplying by the minute!
BOB
Captain, I’ve never killed…
I shouldn’t tell you this. Beatrix wanted me to kill her on a mission. And… she made me try and I tried really hard. And in the end, I couldn’t do it.
I’m sorry, Captain. There’s got to be another way. I can’t pull this lever.
CAPTAIN
I don’t see any other way. We gotta get them out of there!
BOB
Captain, what if… what if there is another way?
THE REC CENTRE
MOIPS
Moip? Moip! Moip!
BARTHOLOMEW
Moips, listen. This is getting to be a lot. If you could just… stop Moiping!
A hush falls.
MOIP
How dare you speak to Captain that way? Moips wants you to bow to him!
MOIPS
Moip! Moip! Moip!
BOB
(through the containment door)
Barty? Can you hear me?
BARTHOLOMEW
Bartholomew! Yes!
BOB
(stilted)
Bartholomew! I just finished making a 72-egg soufflé. Is anybody in there hungry?
MOIPS
I would like a soufflé.
I would like a soufflé!
Moips would like soufflés!
Moips! Moip! Moip!
BEATRIX
(still groggy)
I’m—I’m hungry.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, thanks for letting us know, Bob. Moips?
BOB
No, I don’t think you understand, Bartholomew. I have a 72-egg soufflé… for the… thing! And I’m gonna put it outside the ship!
BARTHOLOMEW
You said an egg soufflé, Bob?
MOIP
Eggs?
BOB
Uh, yeah, 72 eggs!
MOIP
Seventy-two!
BOB
Eggs?
MOIPS
One for each Moip!
Let’s make more Moips for eggs!
THE CORRIDOR
BOB
Captain? Why does he keep saying “eggs”? I feel like there’s some, like, code he’s trying to use. I don’t understand.
CAPTAIN
I think he has an allergy to eggs.
BOB
Oh, right!
Yeah! See, Bartholomew, it’s not for you. I’m putting it outside the ship for the creature!
THE REC CENTRE
MOIPS
Moip! Moip!
BARTHOLOMEW
I tell you what, Moips. I certainly see your value as a potential captain on this ship.
MOIPS
Moip! Moip!
BARTHOLOMEW
In extending the… the hand of friendship, and opening up the dialogue—
BEATRIX
Ha ha, that’s a ship they could actually have. A friendship.
(laughs)
BARTHOLOMEW
In extending the hand of friendship, please—let me release you from containment and offer you some libations.
The Moips, meanwhile, are splitting in two again and again.
MOIPS
Moips accept!
Seventy-two eggs!
One for each Moip!
BARTHOLOMEW
Captain, please release containment on the outer door only.
CAPTAIN
Outer door opening.
The containment door opens, followed by the outer hatch of the ship.
MOIPS
Take Moips to soufflé!
Take us to soufflé!
Where is soufflé?
Moip! Moip!
More popping noises as they continue to multiply.
THE PICNIC
Outside, Bob is setting out cutlery.
BOB
Hey, look! I have the picnic!
(whispers)
Beatrix, I used your picnic blanket.
BEATRIX
Wha? We’re going on a picnic?
BOB
Yeah!
So I’ll just—uh, look! For you, Moips!
He starts handing out soufflés and cutlery.
MOIPS
Wonderful.
Moips are gonna enjoy this picnic!
Moip! Moip!
BEATRIX
I love picnics.
BOB
Oh, there’s a lot of you. Oh, uh, would you like a—whoa! Don’t need a fork, okay.
MOIPS
Do we need a fork for a soufflé?
Moips just use their hands!
Or their mouth!
BOB
Uh, they seem to be enjoying the soufflé—ow! ow, that’s a finger!
MOIP
Soufflé for Moips!
Moips are having fun!
Moip! Moip!
BOB
Okay, yeah, they’re enjoying the soufflé!
BEATRIX
(with her mouth full)
Mmm. Bob, this is real good.
BOB
(mouth also full)
It is pretty good! You want some, Bartholomew?
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix! Bob, no! Those are egg soufflés!
BOB
Yeah! I used up all the last of our eggs.
BEATRIX
Yeah. It’s so fluffy.
BOB
Yeah. I’m working on the recipe for a while. Thanks, Beatrix!
BARTHOLOMEW
Bob.
BOB
Yes, Barty? Ow! That’s not a—
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s Bartholomew. Are you saying that they’re just normal egg soufflés?
BOB
Do you know how hard it is to make a 72-egg soufflé?
BARTHOLOMEW
So when you say “eggs”, you just mean eggs? Not like code word “eggs”?
BOB
No, I mean eggs with cream and milk and cheese and you beat it and you put it in the oven for…
(dawning realization)
Oh! The code word…
(laughs)
No, they’re just… eggs.
MOIPS
Mmm! Moips wants more soufflé for all of us!
Soufflé for even more Moips!
They are multiplying non-stop.
CAPTAIN
Can we stop talking about eggs for one minute and close my doors?
BARTHOLOMEW
I think that’s a good idea, Captain.
The hatch hums shut.
BOB
Look at that! I came up with a plan and—ha ha ha, that tickles!
MOIP
Moips like to tickle!
In the background, the ship’s engines begin to whir.
BOB
(laughing uncontrollably)
Okay, okay!
MOIPS
Moips like to tickle!
We tickle!
We tickle and tickle!
BOB
Okay, no no no no, that’s enough tickling—oh, there’s so many. Hey guys, what’s happening with the ship?! Why is the ship taking off? Barty? Barty, Barty, Barty, where’s the ship going?
The engines roar as the ship lifts off.
BARTHOLOMEW
Captain? Are you leaving us down here?!
CAPTAIN
(over the radio)
Not forever!
MOIPS
Who made this crust?
Crusts on Moip’s homeworld much better.
This is more like a quiche!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard, and special guest Scott Thompson.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
TAG: ANY THREES
Outside. Moips continue to Moip in the background.
BOB
Uh… do you have any threes?
MOIP
Go Fish!
BOB
You got it!
(laughs)
But… you say that when you don’t have threes.
MOIP
Moip has threes.
BOB
Well, you can’t say Go Fish if you have threes! You say Go Fish when… okay, never mind.
MOIP
Rations are too salty.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.