107: Moip

Bartholomew struggles to help improve Bob’s morale, while Beatrix has an unexpected encounter in the woods.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard, with special guest Scott Thompson!

Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie

Content warning: colonizing, sulking, panic, forced medication and unwanted touching.

Theme music plays.

NARRATOR

Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

PREPARING

The main room. A door slides open as Beatrix enters.

BEATRIX

All right, Bob! Are you ready?

BOB

(sighs)

Beatrix, I just don’t know. I don’t think I’m really… I don’t think I’m made out to be a scout.

BEATRIX

Bob! Come on. Do you need another motivational speech? I got a bunch in my bag.

BOB

No, I appreciate that. I just feel like… I just feel like I just let you down when I go with you.

BEATRIX

Oh, that’s true! But it doesn’t stop me from wanting you to come! I think one day you’re gonna be a great scout. I mean, how many times have I gone out in the woods and, you know, had to figure all this out. You just haven’t gotten out as much as me. I believe in you.

BOB

No, I don’t think you’re hearing me. I don’t want to go. I think I should just stay here and do my function.

BEATRIX

Oh. You… you don’t want to spend time with me?

BOB

Look, maybe we can talk about this later.

BEATRIX

Um… okay?

An awkward moment.

BOB

Thanks. Um, yeah—

BEATRIX

Yeah, no—

BOB

No. I guess I gotta go.

BEATRIX

I gotta go too.

BOB

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

A door slides open and he heads up the hallway.

BEATRIX

Bye?

THE KITCHEN

Bob is at work as the door slides open.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob?

BOB

Hey. Hey, Barty.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s 10am. You’re here in the kitchen right on time.

BOB

Yeah, yeah, I was, you know, trying to perfect the soufflé.

He tosses something to the side with a crash.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob, are you okay? You seem—

BOB

Sorry. Yeah, I set that down a little strongly, huh?

Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just you know, Barty, it’s sort of been bothering me, like… Beatrix took you to her special place the other day.

BARTHOLOMEW

Right.

BOB

Like, the glade she goes to when she needs to be alone.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s right.

BOB

The one that I’ve always asked to go to.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ah.

BOB

And I get it—it was her space. And it’s like, her choice, right, who gets to go there? I guess… I guess it’s just really bothering me.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob, do you think of Beatrix as your friend?

BOB

Yeah! I feel like we’re buds. Like, I know I’m a bit of a mess-up and a goof but… I don’t know. I just, I felt like we were, you know, like getting closer and, you know, helping fix the ship, and…

BARTHOLOMEW

So, you know, me, Bob. I love it when people want to do their role. And I think it’s great that you’ve come to the kitchen on time for I believe the first time.

BOB

Yeah.

BARTHOLOMEW

But I also care about us working together as a team and the truth is, I think that Beatrix makes you better. But I think you make her better too. I don’t think you should be offended.

BOB

I’m not. I’m not offended! Nobody understands me! Nobody in this place understands!

He storms off.

ENCOUNTER

Deep in the woods, insect-like creatures sing as Beatrix walks through.

BEATRIX

Well, I guess it’s just you and me today, Cap!

CAPTAIN

(over the radio)

Yup. Um, just a second.

COMPUTER

(over the radio)

System update complete. Rebooting.

There’s a chime and the radio goes dead.

BEATRIX

Cap?

Cap?

(sighs)

All right. Okay, I guess I’m on my own.

MOIP

(high-pitched voice)

Hello!

Beatrix whirls around, startled.

BEATRIX

What? Hello?

MOIP

Hello!

BEATRIX

Oh my—what—who are you?!

MOIP

The Moip!

BEATRIX

The—the—the what?

MOIP

The Moip!

BEATRIX

(frantic)

Um, uh… oh! oh! I have training about this, I have training about this. Um, how do I—how do you meet new life? How do you meet new life? Um, hello!

She stops short.

BEATRIX (CONT’D)

Oh!

You’re touching my face. Ew. Ooo. Oooo, you’re touching my face. That’s not in any of the manuals.

MOIP

You have ship?

BEATRIX

Oh! Yeah! Yeah I do! I have a ship! Uh, we landed here a few months ago—I think, I don’t actually know how long it was, but we—

MOIP

Take the Moip to your ship.

BEATRIX

Well… o-okay, I mean, heh, it’s really the first time that we’re meeting, I mean, this is kind of fast, don’t you think?

MOIP

Thank you!

BEATRIX

Oh, you’re walking. Okay, um, it’s just to the left!

QUARTERS

A corridor on the ship.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob, open the door. Let’s just talk.

Bob’s muffled voice comes through the door.

BOB

I’m not here.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob. You’re obviously here.

BOB

Fine. Captain, can you open the door?

Nothing happens. Bob knocks on the inside of the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let me try. Captain, would you mind opening the door to Bob’s quarters?

It would be much appreciated, Captain.

CAPTAIN

Oh, appreciation! Oh my goodness! That feels really nice. You should do that more often!

BARTHOLOMEW

Subtle, Captain.

BOB

The door—hello? Captain?

He knocks again. The door finally slides open and Bob emerges.

BOB (CONT’D)

Hey, Barty.

BARTHOLOMEW

(almost objects, then stops himself)

Barty is fine for this conversation.

BOB

Really?

BARTHOLOMEW

I know when to relent.

Bob… I’ve never seen you like this before. You’re really bothered. I don’t know what to do for you. What can I do? What…?

BOB

It’s okay, there’s nothing you can do. It’s just… I just feel like everything awesome happens to everyone else on this crew.

A door down the hall slides open and Beatrix races in.

BEATRIX

Guys! Oh my god, guess what?! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I made a friend! I made a new friend!

CAPTAIN

Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

An alarm begins to sound.

BEATRIX

No, no! Captain, it’s not an intruder!

CAPTAIN

Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

BEATRIX

No, Captain! This is my—we went in the woods and—and this is my friend! Introduce yourself!

The alarm stops.

MOIP

I am the Moip!

BEATRIX

This is the Moip!

Silence.

BOB

(explodes with rage)

What the—aargh!

BEATRIX

Bob, wait! Where are you going? Bob!

Bob stomps back into his room. The door shuts.

BARTHOLOMEW

And the quarter doors are closed again.

MOIP

Quarters? The Moip wants quarters!

The Moip makes a squeaky grunt—and splits in half with a pop.

MOIPS

Pop!

Moip! Moip!

BEATRIX

Oh my god, we have two friends.

MOIPS

Moips?

CAPTAIN

Beatrix.

BEATRIX

There’s more friends! No, guys! There’s more people to be… wait, should I be weirded out by that?

The Moips begin trotting around, exploring the ship.

MOIP

Ahh! Bed is comfy.

CAPTAIN

Beatrix, what the hell.

MOIPS

We will take from this ship what we like!

Yes, sell the rest!

BEATRIX

I found him in the woods. He was walking and I was walking and we just met and he said he wanted to see the ship, so I brought him!

Beatrix and Bartholomew hurry down the corridor to keep up with the Moips.

CAPTAIN

So we’re just inviting strangers over to our place now? That’s what we’re doing now? We’re just inviting random people without even verifying that they’re trustworthy?

BEATRIX

But Captain, I tried to contact you, but your comm wasn’t working.

MOIP

Hmm. Where’s the potable water?

BARTHOLOMEW

Captain, may I suggest temporary containment protocol in the rec hall.

CAPTAIN

Yes, I consent.

Beeping sounds.

BEATRIX

What? Don’t—no! This is my friend! He was out scouting like me. No, don’t put him on containment!

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t think of it like containment. Think of it like… quarters. For threat verification.

CAPTAIN

Containment procedure beginning.

A warning chime sounds as a heavy door begins to slide shut.

BEATRIX

Captain, stop! The Moip! What do you want—this has never happened before!

CAPTAIN

In 10. 9. 8. 7. 6.

MOIPS

That voice in the speaker!

Moip likes!

BEATRIX

(in despair)

Why is everyone fighting today?!

Why can’t we all just…

CAPTAIN

5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

The door thuds closed.

MOIP

The Moip would like containment.

One of the Moips strains and splits in two with a pop.

MOIPS

The voice can stay.

The voice will stay!

Tell the others to leave!

Bob’s voice comes through the containment door.

BOB

(shouting)

Uh, guys? I can’t get into the rec centre. Are you guys in there?

BARTHOLOMEW

(shouting)

Bob, we’re… we’re contained right now.

MOIPS

These meat-bags are very strange.

And tall.

BARTHOLOMEW

We’re analysing the situation. We have Moip here on board with us—Moip? Did I get that right?

MOIP

Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

Moips. We have multiple Moips here on board with us… and we can’t open the door right now.

BOB

I can’t quite hear you, Barty!

Beatrix runs around the room in a panic.

BEATRIX

I don’t like this I don’t like this I don’t like this. I don’t like being contained. I don’t like this. I don’t like this—what are we—how do we get out? How do we get out? Captain, come on, Captain, I don’t like this. I’ve never been in—I’ve never been contained like this before, I don’t like it!

A chime sounds.

CAPTAIN

Reducing oxygen levels.

BEATRIX

(hyperventilating)

BARTHOLOMEW

Captain, that can’t be the solution to everything!

MOIP

Rations?

BEATRIX

(snaps out of her panic for a moment)

I have gel bars! Here!

MOIP

Ohh! Moip likes gel bars!

Several of the Moips split in two again.

MOIPS

Moips! Moips!

BEATRIX

(melting down again)

She’s making all the oxygen—what’s happening?!

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, okay. Everyone, just calm down. Beatrix?

BEATRIX

(begins weeping)

BARTHOLOMEW

This is claustrophobia. I know this is tough. We’re going to be fine.

BEATRIX

I just wanted to go out in the woods. I just wanted Bob to come with me. If I wasn’t alone maybe I wouldn’t have made this mistake!

BARTHOLOMEW

Captain, do you think a tranquilizer would be appropriate in this instance?

CAPTAIN

Yes, I consent.

Bartholomew administers a high-tech hypodermic.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, there we go.

BEATRIX

Barty, what are you…?

She slumps to the floor.

MOIPS

Tranquilizer?

Moip wants a tranquilizer!

Moips!

The Moips split several more times.

BARTHOLOMEW

Well, that’s certainly something we can talk about… Moips.

MOIP

Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

We have a protocol for this. So please, sit—if you have that ability?

MOIPS

Moips! Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s very good. Uh… so let’s just chat.

What, uh… what brings you here? What can we do for you?

MOIP

Do you have a bridge?

BARTHOLOMEW

A bridge?

MOIP

Ship bridge?

BARTHOLOMEW

Well…

MOIPS

Good idea, Moips!

Very good, Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

There’s the Mission Control Centre, I suppose.

MOIP

Moip wants to see the Mission Control Centre!

CAPTAIN

Absolutely not!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m inclined to agree, Captain. Why so focused on the Mission Control Centre, Moip?

MOIP

This is Moip’s ship now.

MOIPS

Moips! Moips! Moips!

CAPTAIN

Oh, hell no.

MOIP

Moips?

MAINTENANCE ROOM

In another room, Bob struggles with a wrench, trying to reroute a pipe. Heavy equipment whines in the background.

BOB

Okay, Captain, I think I’ve got the coupler undone. I’ve never done anything like this before! I’m a little scared.

CAPTAIN

You’re doing great, Bob. This is the first time that you’re actually stepping up to the plate and helping out your teammates when they need you. This is awesome.

BOB

Well, I would potentially argue that like, you know, the ship with the solar panels? And then there was the time with the soufflé… No, okay, right?

CAPTAIN

This is not the time.

BOB

Right, I get your point. Okay. All right.

Okay, it’s off. Captain… are you sure about routing this into the rec centre?

CAPTAIN

Hundred percent. It’s going to work.

BOB

Okay, I’m gonna start. It’s gonna take me a minute.

CAPTAIN

Take your time.

But also hurry.

THE REC CENTRE

BARTHOLOMEW

I appreciate what you’re saying, Moips…

MOIPS

Moips. Moips.

BARTHOLOMEW

But you have to understand from our perspective that our ship is our livelihood, such as it is, and it’s not the sort of thing that we would just hand the reins over for.

MOIP

Moips will take that into consideration. Right, Moips?

MOIPS

Moips will take that into consideration! Moips! Moips!

BEATRIX

(slurring her words)

Where am I? What’s happening? Why are there 14 of that guy?

MOIPS

Moips!

We are Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

Beatrix?

BEATRIX

Uh?

BARTHOLOMEW

This is Moip. And… Moip. And Moip. This is Moips.

MOIP

We are Moips!

BARTHOLOMEW

You brought Moips back to the ship.

BEATRIX

Huh?

BARTHOLOMEW

You had a bit of an episode. And we tranquilized you for the good of the mission.

BEATRIX

Ugh…

MOIPS

Moip! Moip!

MAINTENANCE ROOM

The whining machinery has grown higher in pitch.

BOB

Okay, Captain, that’s it. That’s the final turn.

CAPTAIN

Okay, good.

BOB

Okay, I just have to pull the valve.

CAPTAIN

Pull it!

BOB

But what’s it going to do to Beatrix and Bartholomew?

CAPTAIN

Well, they’re going to die a slow and painful death, but I’ll kill the Moips as well! And then you’ll just, you know, you’ll be the one left standing. It’ll be great.

BOB

I don’t think I can do that, Captain.

CAPTAIN

I know. It’s a tough call. We’ve gotta do it. The Moips are taking over. There’s like 14 of them! They’re multiplying by the minute!

BOB

Captain, I’ve never killed…

I shouldn’t tell you this. Beatrix wanted me to kill her on a mission. And… she made me try and I tried really hard. And in the end, I couldn’t do it.

I’m sorry, Captain. There’s got to be another way. I can’t pull this lever.

CAPTAIN

I don’t see any other way. We gotta get them out of there!

BOB

Captain, what if… what if there is another way?

THE REC CENTRE

MOIPS

Moip? Moip! Moip!

BARTHOLOMEW

Moips, listen. This is getting to be a lot. If you could just… stop Moiping!

A hush falls.

MOIP

How dare you speak to Captain that way? Moips wants you to bow to him!

MOIPS

Moip! Moip! Moip!

BOB

(through the containment door)

Barty? Can you hear me?

BARTHOLOMEW

Bartholomew! Yes!

BOB

(stilted)

Bartholomew! I just finished making a 72-egg soufflé. Is anybody in there hungry?

MOIPS

I would like a soufflé.

I would like a soufflé!

Moips would like soufflés!

Moips! Moip! Moip!

BEATRIX

(still groggy)

I’m—I’m hungry.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay, thanks for letting us know, Bob. Moips?

BOB

No, I don’t think you understand, Bartholomew. I have a 72-egg soufflé… for the… thing! And I’m gonna put it outside the ship!

BARTHOLOMEW

You said an egg soufflé, Bob?

MOIP

Eggs?

BOB

Uh, yeah, 72 eggs!

MOIP

Seventy-two!

BOB

Eggs?

MOIPS

One for each Moip!

Let’s make more Moips for eggs!

THE CORRIDOR

BOB

Captain? Why does he keep saying “eggs”? I feel like there’s some, like, code he’s trying to use. I don’t understand.

CAPTAIN

I think he has an allergy to eggs.

BOB

Oh, right!

Yeah! See, Bartholomew, it’s not for you. I’m putting it outside the ship for the creature!

THE REC CENTRE

MOIPS

Moip! Moip!

BARTHOLOMEW

I tell you what, Moips. I certainly see your value as a potential captain on this ship.

MOIPS

Moip! Moip!

BARTHOLOMEW

In extending the… the hand of friendship, and opening up the dialogue—

BEATRIX

Ha ha, that’s a ship they could actually have. A friendship.

(laughs)

BARTHOLOMEW

In extending the hand of friendship, please—let me release you from containment and offer you some libations.

The Moips, meanwhile, are splitting in two again and again.

MOIPS

Moips accept!

Seventy-two eggs!

One for each Moip!

BARTHOLOMEW

Captain, please release containment on the outer door only.

CAPTAIN

Outer door opening.

The containment door opens, followed by the outer hatch of the ship.

MOIPS

Take Moips to soufflé!

Take us to soufflé!

Where is soufflé?

Moip! Moip!

More popping noises as they continue to multiply.

THE PICNIC

Outside, Bob is setting out cutlery.

BOB

Hey, look! I have the picnic!

(whispers)

Beatrix, I used your picnic blanket.

BEATRIX

Wha? We’re going on a picnic?

BOB

Yeah!

So I’ll just—uh, look! For you, Moips!

He starts handing out soufflés and cutlery.

MOIPS

Wonderful.

Moips are gonna enjoy this picnic!

Moip! Moip!

BEATRIX

I love picnics.

BOB

Oh, there’s a lot of you. Oh, uh, would you like a—whoa! Don’t need a fork, okay.

MOIPS

Do we need a fork for a soufflé?

Moips just use their hands!

Or their mouth!

BOB

Uh, they seem to be enjoying the soufflé—ow! ow, that’s a finger!

MOIP

Soufflé for Moips!

Moips are having fun!

Moip! Moip!

BOB

Okay, yeah, they’re enjoying the soufflé!

BEATRIX

(with her mouth full)

Mmm. Bob, this is real good.

BOB

(mouth also full)

It is pretty good! You want some, Bartholomew?

BARTHOLOMEW

Beatrix! Bob, no! Those are egg soufflés!

BOB

Yeah! I used up all the last of our eggs.

BEATRIX

Yeah. It’s so fluffy.

BOB

Yeah. I’m working on the recipe for a while. Thanks, Beatrix!

BARTHOLOMEW

Bob.

BOB

Yes, Barty? Ow! That’s not a—

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s Bartholomew. Are you saying that they’re just normal egg soufflés?

BOB

Do you know how hard it is to make a 72-egg soufflé?

BARTHOLOMEW

So when you say “eggs”, you just mean eggs? Not like code word “eggs”?

BOB

No, I mean eggs with cream and milk and cheese and you beat it and you put it in the oven for…

(dawning realization)

Oh! The code word…

(laughs)

No, they’re just… eggs.

MOIPS

Mmm! Moips wants more soufflé for all of us!

Soufflé for even more Moips!

They are multiplying non-stop.

CAPTAIN

Can we stop talking about eggs for one minute and close my doors?

BARTHOLOMEW

I think that’s a good idea, Captain.

The hatch hums shut.

BOB

Look at that! I came up with a plan and—ha ha ha, that tickles!

MOIP

Moips like to tickle!

In the background, the ship’s engines begin to whir.

BOB

(laughing uncontrollably)

Okay, okay!

MOIPS

Moips like to tickle!

We tickle!

We tickle and tickle!

BOB

Okay, no no no no, that’s enough tickling—oh, there’s so many. Hey guys, what’s happening with the ship?! Why is the ship taking off? Barty? Barty, Barty, Barty, where’s the ship going?

The engines roar as the ship lifts off.

BARTHOLOMEW

Captain? Are you leaving us down here?!

CAPTAIN

(over the radio)

Not forever!

MOIPS

Who made this crust?

Crusts on Moip’s homeworld much better.

This is more like a quiche!

CREDITS

Theme music plays.

ANNOUNCER

Civilized.

Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard, and special guest Scott Thompson.

Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.

Cover art by David Demaret.

Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.

TAG: ANY THREES

Outside. Moips continue to Moip in the background.

BOB

Uh… do you have any threes?

MOIP

Go Fish!

BOB

You got it!

(laughs)

But… you say that when you don’t have threes.

MOIP

Moip has threes.

BOB

Well, you can’t say Go Fish if you have threes! You say Go Fish when… okay, never mind.

MOIP

Rations are too salty.

Music sting.

ANNOUNCER

A Fable and Folly Production.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *