Bartholomew is having trouble recalling… well, anything. But will getting his memory back make things better or worse?
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: death, blood and panic.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
FEELING DIFFERENT
Bartholomew’s office. The door slides open with a squeak.
BOB
Um… Sorry, Bartholomew? Do you have a second?
BARTHOLEMEW
(distracted)
Yeah. Yeah, I’m here. Um…
BOB
Are—are you okay?
BARTHOLEMEW
I… I’m a little muddled. But what is it you wanted to ask? Go ahead.
BOB
I’ve just never seen you not in the suit and tie.
BARTHOLEMEW
No, you’re right. I’m not wearing a suit and tie.
BOB
Sorry, none of my business.
BARTHOLEMEW
I just came out of the pod. And it feels different than when I’m just going to sleep.
BOB
Yes! Oh, I know. And then sometimes you have this like yearning for something sweet, like chocolate that you’ve hidden throughout the ship.
BARTHOLEMEW
I haven’t experienced that particular yearning. But yeah, something like that. This, this feels significant in in some way. Feels like it ought to be documented.
BOB
Oh, well, I was actually coming here to get one of those R-73 forms.
BARTHOLEMEW
R… R-73… Uh… ill—illness?
BOB
Yeah! Yeah, you know, I wasn’t feeling too good this morning and think I ate some bad… something.
BARTHOLEMEW
I… I have one in my office, which is…
BOB
…where we’re standing.
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh! My office? Yes. Right under… Right, right in this stack here. Yes, here you go.
BOB
Um, are you…? Okay.
Thanks, Bartholomew.
SOMETHING OFF
Outside, near the ship. Insect-like creatures buzz in the distance.
BEATRIX
Hey, Captain.
CAPTAIN
(over the radio)
Hey, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
I’m sorry to bother you. But is something… does something seem off about Bartholomew?
CAPTAIN
Hmm. Off? What do you mean by off, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Well, I was talking to Bob and he mentioned that he saw Barty without a suit and tie. And when I saw him earlier today, I thought his hair looked a bit mussed, and he was wandering around as if, you know, he sort of knew where he was, but usually he’s got so much purpose in his step.
CAPTAIN
Oh. Well, you know, it’s Sunday, after all, he must be doing his Sunday reflections. You know, that’s what he does. He dresses down a little bit, and he just, you know, takes it a little more easy, puts on the denim, you know.
BEATRIX
No, I appreciate that. But Barty’s really the only one who kept track of the days. I don’t know if this is Sunday or Friday or any other day and I don’t know, Cap. I just feel like something’s off.
CAPTAIN
You think so?
The hatch opens and Bob comes down the steps.
BOB
(out of breath)
Hey. Oh, Beatrix. Sorry, were you talking to someone?
BEATRIX
Oh, I was talking to Captain.
BOB
Oh. Hi, Captain!
CAPTAIN
Hey, Bob.
BOB
Hey. Um… I think something’s wrong with Bartholomew?
BEATRIX
That’s what we were just talking about!
BOB
Oh, really? ‘Cause I… He’s, he’s naked in the kitchen.
CAPTAIN
Whoa.
BEATRIX
What?
BOB
He’s naked in the kitchen. And he’s writing with a marker on the wall. Something about “Find the paperwork”?
BEATRIX
Uh… let me go check on him.
BOB
Okay.
CHICKEN GUY
The main room of the ship. Bartholomew shuffles through some forms, talking to himself.
BARTHOLEMEW
Okay… so then if we just look at the lettering, and then… Could it be the font? No, no, that’s not right—
He clears his throat hastily as Beatrix and Bob enter.
BEATRIX
Oh! Barty. Um…
(aside, to Bob)
He’s not naked. He’s just not wearing a jacket. I mean, that’s pretty much naked for Barty.
BOB
Yeah, see? That’s my whole point! And besides, those boxers have chickens on them.
BEATRIX
Yeah, I’ve never known him to be a chicken guy.
Um, Barty?
Barty is scribbling frantically with a pen.
BARTHOLEMEW
(distracted)
Yeah. Yeah, uh—yes, yes. Beatrix! Beatrix! Yes! You can help!
BEATRIX
Shouldn’t you correct me? It’s Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh, no, Barty, Bartho—it doesn’t matter. Beatrix. Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Yup?
BARTHOLEMEW
I was in my office earlier. And I was looking around—there are these forms everywhere. It really seems like there’s a lot of paperwork compared to how much we’re getting done. But listen, I—
He’s gone back to writing nonstop.
BOB
Bartholomew? Hi.
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh, Bob! Bob!
BOB
Yeah, I’m here too. Um, maybe you should sit down.
BEATRIX
Yeah.
BOB
Maybe I could take the pen? Here, just hand me the pen.
BARTHOLEMEW
We need to figure this out.
BOB
Yes, we do. Right, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
BOB
Yeah, so maybe we can all just hand each other the pen.
BARTHOLEMEW
Okay. Here. You have the pen. Listen.
In my office. I found something written. It said, “The answer is box buried.” Does that mean anything to you guys?
BOB
Well…
BEATRIX
There’s…
BOB
The Boxbrary.
BEATRIX
The Boxbrary.
BARTHOLEMEW
The Boxbrary?
BEATRIX
Yeah! It’s the room where Captain combined all of the stuff from the Box Room into the library when we weren’t allowed to go into the Box Room anymore?
BOB
I really don’t like going in that room.
BARTHOLEMEW
There’s a blueprint of the ship in my office. There’s no Boxbrary mentioned.
BEATRIX
Well, no, it was something that I think we came up with.
BOB
Yeah, we weren’t supposed to go into the box room but we needed boxes. And so Beatrix renamed it the Boxbrary because all the boxes were moved to the library—
BEATRIX
I renamed it? I thought Bartholomew renamed it.
BOB
No, I’m pretty sure… But then like, we had to find something to do with the books, but we’re not sure what happened to all the books.
BARTHOLEMEW
So the Boxbrary is the Library, then.
BEATRIX
Yes.
BARTHOLEMEW
It’s the library? Okay, thanks, guys! I gotta go. See you later!
BEATRIX
No, but Bartholomew—!
BOB
Just don’t make a mistake! Don’t don’t go into the Box Room by mistake!
Music sting.
WEIRD AND QUIET
The main room.
BOB
Hey, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
Yeah.
BOB
It’s really weird and quiet around here without Bartholomew.
BEATRIX
I don’t know, something just doesn’t seem right. Something’s been off for days. Something—and the Captain was being—
(whispers)
The Captain was being weird.
BOB
(whispers)
What?
BEATRIX
We have to whisper. The Captain was being weird.
BOB
I can’t hear you.
BEATRIX
(half-growls)
I said the Captain was being weird.
BOB
Oh.
BEATRIX
She can hear us.
(aloud)
Actually, Bob, why don’t we step outside for a few minutes?
She walks to the hatch, which whirs open automatically.
BOB
Okay. Don’t we have to fill out the—
BEATRIX
(growls)
Let’s go outside!
BOB
Yup. Okay.
CODE 27364
BARTHOLEMEW
Captain?
A beep, and the Captain comes on over the loudspeaker.
CAPTAIN
Oh! Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
I, um… I have something I need to do. In the Lib—in the Boxbrary.
CAPTAIN
Oh?
BARTHOLEMEW
I need to ask you a favour.
CAPTAIN
Go on?
BARTHOLEMEW
Turn off your supervision of the room.
CAPTAIN
I absolutely cannot do that. As you know, our regulations call for us to not do such things. So—
BARTHOLEMEW
I expected you to say that. It was actually written here that you might. So perhaps this will mean something to you: This is a code 27364 situation. Please turn off your monitoring equipment.
CAPTAIN
Oh, absolutely.
An electronic chime as the computer systems power down.
OUTSIDE
BEATRIX
Yeah, Bob. I’m sorry. I just needed to get you outside—
The hatch slides shut abruptly.
BOB
Whoa!
BEATRIX
Wha—?
BOB
Beatrix, that door almost killed me!
BEATRIX
Why did all the lights flicker?
BOB
Here, I’ll go back in.
He tries to run back, but runs into the closed hatch.
BOB
Ow! Ow!
BEATRIX
Why isn’t it opening? It usually opens.
BOB
I walked right into—Beatrix! What’s going on? Hello?
He knocks on the hatch.
BEATRIX
Wait. Bob, Bob, stop knocking. What—this isn’t even… I don’t remember this forest.
BOB
What?
BEATRIX
I don’t remember this area of the forest. I don’t think I’ve ever been here before! Where’s my line?
BOB
Well, it looks just like the forest—
BEATRIX
No, no, Bob. I drew a circle in the dirt around the ship last time to see if you and Barty would ever cross it. That line’s not here. This—I can’t even see over the tree line. I used to be able to see over the tree line…
BOB
Beatrix. Deep breath.
BEATRIX
Okay.
I’m a scout. I am scouting out the situation.
BOB
And it’s the chickens.
BEATRIX
Huh?
BOB
It all started with the chickens. On the shorts. The briefs? The chicken briefs.
BEATRIX
Is that like some paperwork? The chicken briefs? I don’t understand. Is that part of your Ancillary Services?
BOB
Don’t you think it’s a little strange that Bartholomew wears chicken underwear? I don’t think that’s Bartholomew.
(proud of himself)
Huh? Huh?
BEATRIX
Okay, Bob. I… I was with you up until then. I think that’s Barty. I think. I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not. But regardless, we have to figure out what’s going on.
BOB
Yeah, you and me, Beatrix.
BEATRIX
Mm hmm. Today, you’re a scout.
BOB
And today, you’re a chicken hunter.
UNMONITORED
BARTHOLEMEW
Confirming lack of external monitoring. Hey, Captain! Can you hear me?
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Good. Stay out of what surely doesn’t concern you.
He consults a piece of paper.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay, let’s see here. Left quadrant… and then if we just bend down here… and there is the latch.
He flips a switch, and a panel whirs open.
BARTHOLOMEW
Okay. “Place behind ear to commence organic upload.”
He pulls out a cable and inserts it with a click.
BARTHOLOMEW
And in we go. And…
Rapid beeping as data is transferred.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Ahh! I remember! I…
Oh no.
COVER ME
Bob and Beatrix hurry down the corridors, shouting.
BOB
Alpha sector clear! Go go go go go!
BEATRIX
All right! It looks like this hallway is clear. Where did you learn that language?
BOB
Yeah, isn’t it cool? Okay! Uh, cover me! I’m gonna—
BEATRIX
I’m covering! I’m covering! I’m covering!
BOB
Hey! Did you—did the lights just flicker?
BEATRIX
I don’t know.
BOB
Okay.
BEATRIX
I think so.
BOB
Captain?
BEATRIX
Captain?
Silence.
BOB
(sighs)
Okay. Look! Wait! Movement! Movement ahead!
BEATRIX
(whispering)
Bob! Shh shh shh!
BOB
(whispers)
Movement ahead!
BEATRIX
Shhh!
BOB
Movement ahead.
BEATRIX
Bob, will you shut up?
Wait. That’s… Wait, I’m gonna go take a closer look. Stay here.
BOB
Careful. No, no, stay with me.
BEATRIX
Stay—no, Bob, stay here! Cover me!
BOB
No, stay, don’t go away!
Staying quiet, she hurries down the corridor to a window.
BEATRIX
There’s a lot of dust on this window. But if I just…
She wipes at the dust with her sleeve.
BEATRIX
…Bartholomew?
AND WE’RE BACK
Bartholomew finishes adjusting his clothing, apparently back to himself.
BARTHOLEMEW
(to himself)
Right. Handkerchief in… double Windsor knot, as usual… And we’re back.
Captain. 3960, reengage.
The Captain comes online again with a chime and a whoosh.
CAPTAIN
It’s a lovely day in the neighbourhood!
BARTHOLEMEW
It is indeed, Captain. Good to speak with you. Listen, Bob, Beatrix—have you seen them?
CAPTAIN
Well, I’m having a little trouble with my surveillance room, so no, I haven’t seen them.
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh, dear. Well, I didn’t have a note of that. I’ll put it on the list of to-do’s and we will send a technician right away.
CAPTAIN
See, that’s why I can always count on you, Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
Wonderful.
Music sting.
BEWARE
The pod room. Beatrix’s pod hisses open.
BEATRIX
(yawns and stretches)
Bob appears just outside the pod, crawling across the floor with the last of his strength.
BOB
(panting)
Beatrix…
BEATRIX
Oh my God—Bob!
BOB
Y-you’re back.
BEATRIX
What’s happened to you? Oh my God!
BOB
(shaking)
I—I don’t have long. B… B… Barty…
He slumps against the glass with a thud.
BEATRIX
Oh my God. Bob!
Footsteps approach, unhurried.
BEATRIX
(whispers)
What…? Someone’s coming.
BARTHOLEMEW
Beatrix.
BEATRIX
(trembling)
Bartholomew.
BARTHOLEMEW
I’m glad to see that you’re back in shipshape.
BEATRIX
What… but Bob. Bob—what happened?
BARTHOLEMEW
Bob was doing some excellent work. Actually, he was looking to help you out in your workload. He went out on a scouting mission!
BEATRIX
What?
BARTHOLEMEW
Yeah, he got… a little caught up in a poisonous thicket and, uh… he made it back, but then you can see the results. That particular poison causes some psychosis—don’t worry about anything he might have said. But he’s going to be back, and you know what? I think we better have a bit of a celebration to… well, to promote all the hard work he’s been doing.
BEATRIX
Okay, Barty. Um… is there a form that I should sign? Just, now that I’ve woken up?
BARTHOLEMEW
Oh, well, the R-2 is sitting right here for you, Beatrix. I always have those ready.
She begins filling out the form, then pauses.
BEATRIX
Thanks. I’ll just take the pen, and… thank you.
Do you mind if I keep this?
BARTHOLEMEW
I do.
BEATRIX
Okay.
BARTHOLEMEW
If you need more, I’ll have the quartermaster robot send some to your room.
BEATRIX
Okay, thank you.
She hands the form to Bartholomew.
BEATRIX
I’ll, um, I’ll see you when Bob wakes up?
BARTHOLEMEW
Any concerns, Beatrix?
BEATRIX
(quickly)
No, no, no, I just feel bad that this happened to him, when it was for me. That’s all.
BARTHOLOMEW
Me too. But everything will be normal now.
BEATRIX
Mm hmm!
Bartholomew clicks the pen and walks back out.
BEATRIX
Bob, I’m so sorry.
She reaches down and dabs her finger in his blood, then begins to write with it on the inside of her pod.
BEATRIX
Don’t… trust… B.
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.