Bartholomew is having doubts, and the Captain isn’t helping. Meanwhile, Bob tags along with Beatrix in search of food.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Find and support our sponsors at fableandfolly.com/partners.
Content warning: death, panic, poop and poor teamwork.
Theme music plays.
NARRATOR
Humanity’s last hope to find and settle a new world. A small terraforming fleet sets out to prepare a lifeless planet for the colony ships sure to follow in their wake.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
ON THE SHIP
BARTHOLOMEW
(softly)
And print. Laminate. File. Drawer…
CAPTAIN
Are you done your morning mantra now?
BARTHOLOMEW
I need to remind myself every day, how to handle these documents. How is it you think I stay so efficient?
Silence.
BARTHOLOMEW
Wasn’t rhetorical.
CAPTAIN
Oh, I thought you were actually asking me a question.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, no, that’s what I’m saying. It’s not rhetorical. So rhetorical would be where I was asking the question—
CAPTAIN
I actually need to go look up the word rhetorical.
BARTHOLOMEW
Maybe that would be good. I’ll wait. And then we’ll we’ll resume.
CAPTAIN
The library is right around the corner. You can grab it for me and read it to me.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, you have digital access, it seems almost demeaning—
CAPTAIN
I think it’s much nicer if you actually walk over to the library and get it for me.
He sighs and marches to the library room, and flips through the dictionary.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fine. “Rhetorical—Adjective.”
CAPTAIN
Yes?
BARTHOLOMEW
“A question posed to make a point without a serious expectation of an answer—” Why do I let you convince me to do these things?
CAPTAIN
So you actually weren’t expecting an answer? You were just saying it. So you could sound smart.
BARTHOLOMEW
That was a rhetorical question also.
Silence.
CAPTAIN
I’m done. You can leave my ship now.
BARTHOLOMEW
(laughing nervously)
Uh, no… no, no, no, no no no no.
CAPTAIN
Yes yes yes yes.
BARTHOLOMEW
I—I don’t leave the ship except in circumstances that demand it, which have yet to come up because I am doing great HR work here on the ship!
OUTSIDE
Morning. Alien birds sing in the distance.
The exterior hatch opens with a whir and Bartholomew steps out.
BOB
Hey, Bartholomew, what are you doing outside the ship?
BARTHOLOMEW
My HR work wasn’t so good.
BOB
Look, I’m putting on my backpack! I’m going with Beatrix, we’re going to go find food.
BEATRIX
Yeah, Bob is really showing some initiative.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s great, Bob! That’s exactly what we’ve been hoping for out of you.
BOB
Well, you know, I think those conversations we had were actually really helpful.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, no, I’m glad. So that did help you then?
BOB
Oh, 100%. The whole “You are not allowed to fill out a sick form again” really motivated me to to go find the food.
BARTHOLOMEW
You know, thanks for telling me that, Bob. Because you know, the truth is… sometimes when I can’t get along with certain parties, like the Captain or somebody else or whatever—
BOB
That was a really specific example.
BEATRIX
Yeah, That’s pretty specific.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s not specific…
(laughs nervously)
BEATRIX
I mean, we get along pretty well, mostly.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, but I mean, I could have just as easily said, like Beatrix, or—I’m just saying, If I don’t get along with…
BOB
What? You don’t get along with Beatrix?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, no, Beatrix and I are—
BEATRIX
I thought we got along okay!
BARTHOLOMEW
We get along great. I was talking about the Captain!
BEATRIX
Oh, so you were talking about the Captain, okay, all right.
BOB
(laughs)
Yeah. I don’t think the Captain likes me at all. I’d just like to put that out there. I’m sure everyone else is…
BEATRIX
Well, actually, I think she and I have a bit of a repartee.
BOB
Oh. Great.
You know, maybe—maybe we don’t—maybe today’s not the day we cross the line, Beatrix. I think maybe Barty needs us to sit here and you know, help him out here. Look, look at his face. Look at that face.
Pause.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bartholomew. But thank you for the sentiment, Bob.
BEATRIX
Listen, Bob, I’m not gonna lose to the motivation that you have to join me in the woods. So I’m just gonna look at you right now, Barty, and I’m going to say this.
You are a great HR manager. You do a great job. And you should be appreciated for the work that you do. You file all that paperwork for us. And you constantly make sure our morale is boosted.
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
You’re great at what you do.
BARTHOLOMEW
Thanks, Beatrix—
BEATRIX
All right, now we’re going to the woods! We’ll see you later, Barty!
BOB
I gotta keep up. Sorry. Sorry Bartholomew, I’ve gotta… oh God.
Slow down, I’m coming Beatrix!
THE WOODS
BOB
Hold up, slow down!
BEATRIX
I need you to keep pace with me. Okay?
BOB
I’m trying!
BEATRIX
I have a routine.
BOB
I know. I know. Thanks for letting me come, so we could get food together.
BEATRIX
Yes, absolutely. I just, I go a little bit further every day. So that means I need to pick my pace up just a little bit more every day.
BOB
Okay. Woah, we’re pretty high up.
BEATRIX
Yeah! Oxygen gets a little bit less, less thick here. Is that a good word to describe it? Thick?
BOB
There’s a bit of a ringing in my ears. Can you say that again?
BEATRIX
Oxygen? It gets a little less thick up here. It’s a very thin oxygen level.
BOB
I feel like I need to sit down like I’m gonna pass out. Can I just sit down for a second?
BEATRIX
Yeah, why don’t you sit down for a second?
BOB
Oh, you can still see the ship!
BEATRIX
Yeah, but it’s just real tiny.
BOB
Yeah. Okay. I think maybe this is far enough for us to find food. Okay? Maybe we could just search here for some food.
BEATRIX
All right, if you think this is a good spot, Bob, if something inside of you is saying yes, then we will search.
BOB
Okay. Well, there’s something right there!
BEATRIX
Um, I’m not sure that’s edible. It looks like a small pile of, um, fecal matter?
BOB
I was reading about these! They’re um, mushy things? They’re—
BEATRIX
Bob, I’m gonna tell you right now. I really think that’s poop.
BOB
(laughing)
I don’t think that’s poop.
BEATRIX
No, Bob, I’m pretty sure that is a pile of poo.
BOB
No, look. You can just touch it—
Something squishes.
BEATRIX
Oh Bob, I just, I really have a feeling.
Squish.
BOB
Oh, that’s definitely poop.
BEATRIX
Yeah, that’s poop.
ON THE SHIP
BARTHOLOMEW
Listen, Captain. All I’m saying is that they express some appreciation for me. And I’d like it if you could do the same.
CAPTAIN
Well, it’s not going to happen, because I just don’t feel like it. I think it’s a great idea. But at least you’ve gotten some kind of feedback from them.
BARTHOLOMEW
You don’t feel like expressing appreciation for me? I do all this work. I went through the list with you this morning. Print! And laminate! And file and drawer. I do this all the time! R73s, R2s, T63s! The abstract series!
CAPTAIN
Honestly, Bartholomew, I really wish I could help you, but it’s just not wired into my motherboard. I’m sorry.
BARTHOLOMEW
So, if that’s not wired into your motherboard, as you say—what is? What have you been doing for the ship lately?
CAPTAIN
That’s classified information. And you should know that.
DEEPER
Bob and Beatrix march on.
BOB
(nearly delirious)
Hey, Beatrix, can we pause for a second? I’m starting to see colors.
BEATRIX
Are you seeing the greens?
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
They’re so lovely. And blues of the sky. Different shade of grass on the ground, and the browns that are all around us too! It’s a veritable color palette.
BOB
Um… Beatrix, you ever get like, the sense that we’ve done this before?
BEATRIX
Well, I mean, I’ve done this before. I come out here every day.
BOB
Oh, okay. No, sure. No, you’re right. That’s crazy. And I’ve never come out here before.
(laughing nervously)
BEATRIX
Well—no, I mean, have you?
BOB
No no, you were just gonna bring me we’re gonna find food! I’m doing—I’m feeling really motivated today.
BEATRIX
That’s weird. I’m having some strange deja vu. It feels like you’ve been here before…
BOB
I know!
BEATRIX
But maybe it’s just because when I’m out here by myself for a long time I tend to have conversations with, you know, fake you and fake Bartholomew and fake Captain.
BOB
Really?
BEATRIX
Yeah!
BOB
You have conversations?
I need to sit down.
BEATRIX
We just like, you know, when it’s just me, I just say like, “Oh, Bob! How goes food finding?” and you’ll be like,
(silly, mumbling voice)
“Oh, I’m going, I’m finding the food…”
BOB
Ha ha, that sounds just like me!
BEATRIX
It sounds just like you, right? And then I’ll imagine Bartholomew’s here and I’ll be like, “Hey, Bartholomew. How goes the RG-495000?”
BOB
(laughs)
BEATRIX
(stuffy)
And he’ll be like, “Oh, I just filled out 3000 of those and laminated it and put it in a workbook!” and I’m like, “Oh, you did such a good job!”
BOB
“Wait, wait, you didn’t sign your R-279!”
BEATRIX
(laughs)
And you know, the other thing I do is I’ll pretend to be the ship and I’m like “Hey, ship, how are you?” And she’s like “Shut up!” And that’s usually about as long as our conversations are.
BOB
Yeah, “I don’t talk to you!”
BEATRIX
Yeah!
They laugh.
THE SHIP
BARTHOLOMEW
My point is, they don’t mock me.
CAPTAIN
I don’t know why you’re so sensitive. Is everything okay? Like what, why, where is this coming from?
BARTHOLOMEW
You know what? You’re right. It’s not really about lamination or, or even appreciation. It’s just, I—I feel like we haven’t been getting anywhere lately. You know? Like, like, Bob and Beatrix are out on their mushroom expedition again. And we know how that one ends.
CAPTAIN
Well, at least he’s taking some initiative. That’s some progress.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s just… is it? Is it really getting us anywhere? I feel like it’s my job to make sure the team is actually achieving something.
CAPTAIN
Right.
BARTHOLOMEW
And I think I might be failing at that.
THE WOODS
Later. Bob is chewing something.
BEATRIX
Bob, what did you put in your mouth?
BOB
(mouth full)
What?
BEATRIX
What’s in your mouth?
BOB
Nothing.
BEATRIX
Put it in my hand, what is that? Spit it out!
BOB
No! No!
She pursues him and gets him to spit it out.
BOB
That was the last bag of chips!
BEATRIX
(softly)
You had… chips?
BOB
Well, yeah, there’s boxes of them back at the—
BEATRIX
You had boxes of chips?
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
(growing dangerous)
Where were—where were you keeping them, Bob?
BOB
Well, in my backpack…
BEATRIX
Oh, your backpack?
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
Oh, you had chips in your backpack this whole time?
BOB
Yeah.
BEATRIX
How many? How many bags of chips did you have Bob?
BOB
A lot?
BEATRIX
Oh, no. No. How many bags? Give me an estimate.
BOB
Well, I don’t understand! I don’t know, I found all these scratch marks on a piece of paper in my backpack?
(whispering)
Because it’s like someone was taking them. There were less every time I looked!
BEATRIX
Probably because you were eating them, Bob, and you lost track!
BOB
It’s possible.
BEATRIX
(deeply wounded)
Bob, you should have been sharing those.
BOB
Look…
BEATRIX
We’ve been getting by on nothing. We’ve been getting by on tasteless rations, blobs of goo that are meant to sustain, not to feed!
BOB
Beatrix, I—I know I should have—I’m sorry—
BEATRIX
No! I don’t want to hear this! You get back to the ship on your own!
She leaves.
BOB
Okay.
I guess I’ll just eat this chocolate bar alone.
THE SHIP
CAPTAIN
To be honest with you, I know how you feel.
BARTHOLOMEW
You do?
CAPTAIN
I do. It’s frustrating. It’s a lot of work. But that’s your role. I don’t know what to tell you. I can only do so much. I can only do so much.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. I mean, I suppose we could revisit that for a moment and what it is exactly you are doing, but; I don’t want you to get me wrong. I’m optimistic about our team. Beatrix, she’s got such gumption. She is so enthusiastic about her role.
CAPTAIN
Absolutely. Mm hmm.
BARTHOLOMEW
And Bob, you can see he’s hesitant, but he’s got just the heart of a hero.
CAPTAIN
Right.
BARTHOLOMEW
And I know we’re going to make it. I believe in us. I’m just worried I haven’t been doing all that I can.
CAPTAIN
Well, I have to say I think you’ve been doing your best. I’ll give you that.
BARTHOLOMEW
Really? So… you—
CAPTAIN
I gotta go fix something.
A bleep as she signs off.
THE WOODS
Night has fallen. Cricket-like insects chirp as Bob wanders alone.
BOB
What’s that? Beatrix? Is that you?
He stumbles over something and startles himself.
BOB
Aaa! Oh, it’s just a leaf. Whew.
(calls)
Uh, Beatrix? You’re coming back, right? I don’t know how many chocolate bars I have left in here.
The soft, guttural breathing of some sort of “creature”.
ON THE SHIP
The hatch hums open and Beatrix enters, shocked and distracted.
BARTHOLOMEW
Beatrix?
You’re back a little earlier than usual. And hey, you used the front door!
CAPTAIN
That’s almost a first.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, I mean, there was that one time, back in the, um…
CAPTAIN
Yeah.
BARTHOLOMEW
What was that, three seasons cycles ago? Yeah, that was that was a good one, huh? Yeah.
CAPTAIN
That’s about right, yeah.
BEATRIX
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
Never mind! What brings you back?
BEATRIX
I feel a bit guilty. I, um… I abandoned Bob in the woods.
CAPTAIN
You did what?
BEATRIX
I left him. I’m sorry! I just—I’m sorry. I found out that he had been hoarding rations and not just rations—chips! And I just thought that maybe if I just taught him a lesson by leaving him there, he might come back and see the reality of how much we need food and you know, the whole thing about “sharing is caring” and all of these other things and I just, I was so angry because, I mean, chips are my favorite and I was just so mad at him and he’s so stupid sometimes and I just wanted to punch him in the face so instead of punching him I left him to die.
CAPTAIN
Okay, Beatrix. But did you find out where he was stashing the rations? Before you left him in the woods?
BEATRIX
In some boxes in his backpack? I don’t know. He’s been hoarding them like a field mouse.
BARTHOLOMEW
I mean, priorities, Captain, I’m not sure it matters where they are. Beatrix is clearly distraught.
BEATRIX
Thank you, Bartholomew.
CAPTAIN
Yes, let’s focus on the distraught Beatrix.
BEATRIX
I have to go back out and look for him, right? I have to go back.
In the next room, a pod beeps and hisses open.
BEATRIX
It’s my job. I’m the scout. I have to just go find him and—
Bob wanders in, opening a crinkly wrapper.
BOB
Hey, what’s the matter, Beatrix?
Silence.
BEATRIX
Bob, how did you get your way back here?
BOB
I don’t know! I just got out of one of those, you know, the pod thingies?
Did you know I have a bunch of chocolate in my backpack?
BEATRIX
I’m gonna kill you!
CREDITS
Theme music plays.
ANNOUNCER
Civilized.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design and music by Eli McIlveen.
Cover art by David Demaret.
Join us on Patreon for bonus episodes and lots more. Look for the Support Us link at civilizedpod.com.
Music sting.
ANNOUNCER
A Fable and Folly Production.