Beatrix leads Bob and Bartholomew to a strange booth she found in the wilderness.
It’s time to introduce you to one of our favourite shows: The Amelia Project! Recently our cast gathered to record a “short intro” that turned into a full-on mini-crossover. You’ll hear that scene here along with Episode 17 of TAP, “Bartholomew BEEP-face Chucklepants Knucklecracker” (no relation!).
To hear what happened on the other end of that phone call, subscribe to The Amelia Project in your favourite podcatcher.
With Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Phil Johnston and Sean Howard – plus Julia Morizawa as the voice on the phone.
The Amelia Project
Episode 17 – Bartholomew BEEP-face Chucklepants Knucklecracker
“At Amelia we’ve always wanted to get into politics.”
With: Alan Burgon, Felix Trench, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Gemma Arrowsmith and Julia Morizawa.
Written by Philip Thorne.
Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager.
Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden.
Full Credits
Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now.
Transcript of the crossover is on the way! Meanwhile, here’s the Amelia Project episode:
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed!
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue, there’s no way back. The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
Beep.
BARTHOLOMEW
(BURPING, FARTING, WHISTLING, KNUCKLE CRACKING)
A SHRILL BEEP, THEN THE AMELIA THEME STARTS.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. With music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 17—Bartholmew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker.
THE INTERVIEW
THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO THE INTERVIEWER TALKING AND TAKING NOTES ABOUT AND WITH BARTHOLOMEW, WHO TALKS HESITANT AND RELATIVELY QUIET.
INTERVIEWER
Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hell of a name to squeeze onto your tax return.
BARTHOLOMEW
I just put Tim Smith.
INTERVIEWER
That’s your real name?
MORE SCRIBBLING, THE CLICK OF A PEN.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
How does Tim Smith become Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker?
BARTHOLOMEW
You need a silly name to progress in the party.
PAUSE.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry?
BARTHOLOMEW
But they just call me Chucklepants for short.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t understand, Chucklepants. What party?
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! The Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fizzy Flashy Flirtatious Frolicking Freewheeling Farting Facile Farcical Farfetched Feebleminded Featherbrained Faddish Facetious Funny as Fuck Party.
(PAUSE)
Sorry, thought you knew.
INTERVIEWER
No! Should I?
BARTHOLOMEW
We do have a general election on at the moment.
INTERVIEWER
I’m intrigued. Do you have any campaign literature on you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Our name doesn’t fit on leaflets…
INTERVIEWER
It is a bit of a mouthful. Haven’t you considered making it snappier?
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP for short.
INTERVIEWER
So what does the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP stand for?
BARTHOLOMEW
You forgot an F.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
BARTHOLOMEW
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
You said FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP, but it’s—
THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION.
BARTHOLOMEW
(HE PUTS EMPHASIS ON THE LAST F)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP.
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Oh for god’s sake…
(LOUDER, AND ALSO WITH EMPHASIS ON THE LAST F)
What does the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP stand for?
BARTHOLOMEW
I thought that was obvious.
INTERVIEWER
Not really.
BARTHOLOMEW
(LOUDER)
The Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fiz—
INTERVIEWER
(GETTING FRUSTRATED)
No! Not the name, the party! What’s your ideology?
BARTHOLOMEW
Ah.
(CHUCKLES)
Better weather, better Christmas presents…
(THE INTERVIEWER MAKES INTERESTED SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND.)
…repealing the laws of gravity, replacing the Church of England with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and introducing sand as legal tender.
INTERVIEWER
(NOW HAPPY)
Well tickle my nipple and call me fickle! That sounds right up my street! Can I become a member?
BARTHOLOMEW
You already are.
INTERVIEWER
Aha…? What?
BARTHOLOMEW
We consider everyone a member unless they’ve declared otherwise.
INTERVIEWER
Great! How do I rise through the party ranks?
BARTHOLOMEW
First you choose a silly name.
INTERVIEWER
Okay, in that case, I’ll be Dedrick Damnit Dipshit Doofus Douchebag de Pfeffel the Dandy. What’s next?
BARTHOLOMEW
If you want to stand for local election you’re going to have to win a fight with swords of rolled up newspaper.
INTERVIEWER
I better get practicing.
(HANDS BARTHOLOMEW ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER)
Here.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHARP WHISPER)
You want to fight me?
INTERVIEWER
One. Two. Three. Go!
THEY START SWASHBUCKLING INTENSELY, AND WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ALL THEY ARE SAYING THROUGH THE SOUND OF NEWSPAPER HITTING ARMS, LEGS AND TORSO. A FEW THINGS, HOWEVER, ARE CLEAR, ALWAYS INTERRUPTED BY FIGHTING, PANTING AND LAUGHING:
INTERVIEWER
Fingers! Fingers Fingers!
(DETERMINED AND ACCOMPANIED BY THE SOUND OF SLAPPING)
Let me show you something I learned from someone who will remain nameless!
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, very good! Very good hand!
(MORE HITTING)
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Ha, ha!
A lot of ow’s follow, by whom is not clear.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHOUTING)
You will regret fighting Chucklepants!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, leg! I didn’t know legs were in the game!
BARTHOLOMEW
All are target! Everything’s a target, just not the shoes, not the shoes, never the shoes!
INTERVIEWER
I will keep that in mind!
THE SWASHBUCKLING GETS MORE INTENSE.
INTERVIEWER
Okay, I’ll—
MORE SOUNDS OF HITTING AS CHUCKLEPANTS CLEARLY WINS.
INTERVIEWER
Stop stop stop stop stop stop, I surrender! I surrender!
Chucklepants laughs aloud. they are both out of breath, and put the newspapers aside again. End of fighting sequence.
INTERVIEWER
Man. You’re good! You must be right up there in the hierarchy.
BARTHOLOMEW
(BREATHLESS)
I’m party leader.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Wow. I had no idea.
(CHUCKLES, SURPRISED)
It’s an honour to meet you Chucklepants. At Amelia we’ve always wanted to get into politics.
BARTHOLOMEW
Really?
INTERVIEWER
You sound surprised.
BARTHOLOMEW
You just don’t seem very informed about current affairs.
INTERVIEWER
Oy. What’s that supposed to mean?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well you didn’t know who I was for a start.
INTERVIEWER
I really don’t think—
BARTHOLOMEW
We’ve received a lot of coverage this election. You haven’t come across the armadillo anarchists?
INTERVIEWER
(THOUGHTFUL)
I have been seeing rather a lot of armadillo masks lately… So it’s something to do with you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. We got hundreds of people to parade through London in armadillo costumes chanting “down with common sense!”
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps I have heard of you. Were you the ones behind the eating strike?
BARTHOLOMEW
(ELONGATED)
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
The images were pretty disgusting…
BARTHOLOMEW
(LAUGHING AND SOUNDING A LITTLE HIGH-PITCHED)
Meatloaf for breakfast, deep-fried cheesecakes for lunch, 150 ounce steaks for dinner. All washed down with peanut butter milkshakes.
INTERVIEWER
(STILL GETTING HIS BREATH BACK)
Parliament Green was drenched in vomit…
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. It was powerful stuff. Eventually the government caved in to our demands.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? What were your demands?
BARTHOLOMEW
More bread for the ducks in St. James Park.
PAUSE.
INTERVIEWER
Okay. I admit I haven’t been paying much attention to the news lately. That’s partly because I’m in this office all day, and partly because the whole system turns me off.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re not the only one…
INTERVIEWER
I mean this election is a total joke! The posturing and posing, the ridiculous promises that can never be fulfilled… It’s a complete farce!
BARTHOLOMEW
Farcical! That’s the twelfth F in FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP.
INTERVIEWER
Right! You own up to the farcical nature of politics! That’s what it’s all about right?
(INVESTED)
You’re holding a mirror to the system and exposing it as an empty sham…
BARTHOLOMEW
Not really. My wife just wanted me to get out the house more. I looked at the local activities on offer and it was either this or badminton.
INTERVIEWER
But why did you choose the party?
BARTHOLOMEW
I wanted to do theatre really. But I get stage fright and I’m terrible at learning lines, so I chose the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP. You still get to dress up, but parades and processions are less exposing than plays.
INTERVIEWER
But you’re the party leader!
PAUSE.
BARTHOLOMEW
That wasn’t intentional.
INTERVIEWER
You just accidentally swashbuckled your way to the top?
BARTHOLOMEW
Don’t be silly. The party leader isn’t chosen by newspaper baton fight.
INTERVIEWER
No? How is the leader chosen?
BARTHOLOMEW
Sleeping lions.
INTERVIEWER
(IMPRESSED)
Sleeping lions?
BARTHOLOMEW
You know, the game. Everyone lies totally still on the floor and anyone who moves gets eliminated.
INTERVIEWER
Well. You must have stayed very still.
BARTHOLOMEW
I was tired. I fell asleep.
(INTERVIEWER HUMMING IN THE BACKGROUND)
When I woke up, I was party leader!
INTERVIEWER
That must have been a surprise.
BARTHOLOMEW
(QUIETLY)
It was a shock!
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t want to become leader?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, no, not really.
INTERVIEWER
So why did you accept?
BARTHOLOMEW
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP’s procedures are very strict. You can’t just back out.
INTERVIEWER
I guess you have to give speeches now… Have you got over the stage fright?
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s very stressful. But I’ve developed a style that consists mostly of doing burps and and cracking my knuckles at the microphone. That way I don’t have to learn lines.
INTERVIEWER
Why do you want to disappear, Chucklepants?
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t want to be prime minister!
INTERVIEWER
(SNORTS AND STARTS LAUGHING LOUDLY)
I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance of that happening.
PAUSE.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHAKY)
Switch on the radio.
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
Switch on the radio.
INTERVIEWER
But—
BARTHOLOMEW
(STUTTERING)
Just… Just… Just do it.
SOME CLATTER AS THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OPEN A DRAWER AND PRESUMABLY TAKES OUT A RADIO.
INTERVIEWER
What station?
BARTHOLOMEW
It should be on pretty much anywhere.
RADIO SWITCHED ON. TUNING THROUGH SEVERAL STATIONS, EVENTUALLY SETTLING ON A NEWS BROADCAST.
NEWSREADER
-offshore accounts, likely to be exposed in the coming days. The revelations have sparked protests across the country, with an estimated 900.000 protestors marching to London’s parliament square, demanding an immediate investigation into both the government, and the opposition. There is fear across the political establishment, but the all consuming nature of the expensive scandal with the anti-politician-feeling it has unleashed, will hit MP’s of all parties.
A snap-poll conducted by Ugov indicated that in Thursday’s general election, five out of ten voters intend to abstain or spoil their ballots. The prime minister fled Number 10 via back-exit, and was seen driving away in a red Opel Astra, the car was found abandoned on the fringes of Gydia forest. North Wales police believes she is hiding up Mount Snowden.
Back at Westminster, the leader of the opposition called for ‘cool heads’ to prevail, before having a panic attack, and being taken to St. Thomas’ hospital. The only party gaining rapid momentum in these extraordinary times is the Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fizzy Flashy Flirtatious Frolicking Freewheeling Farting Facile Farcical Farfetched Feebleminded Featherbrained Faddish Facetious Funny as—BLEEP—Party, also known as the Armadillo movement.
The FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-BLEEP-P’s leader, Bartholomew BLEEPface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker, has promised to scrap VAT and replace it with a tax on hiccups. He has also sworn an oath never to keep any of his promises, so it’s hard to predict what a Chucklepants-premiership would entail.
Judging by the number of Armadillo-masks on Parliament Square, it only seems as if Chucklepant’s movement has hit a nerve with an electorate eager to send a strong message to Westminster Politicians. The rise of the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-BLEEP-P has sent shockwaves through the stock market, with sterling currently trading one to one with the Vietnamese dong.
RADIO SWITCHED OFF.
INTERVIEWER
(FLABBERGHASTED)
Well lock me in chains and blow my brains!
BARTHOLOMEW
What do I do?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it!
BARTHOLOMEW
Are you insane?
INTERVIEWER
This is going to be hilarious!
BARTHOLOMEW
For a day or two yes. But then? Wha-Wha-What when I have to deal with the refugee crisis?
(THE INTERVIEWER SCOFFS)
The diplomatic fallout with Russia?
(THE INTERVIEWER BLOWS A RASPBERRY)
The collapse of the economy?
INTERVIEWER
My god man—Improvise!
BARTHOLOMEW
What?
INTERVIEWER
You’ll be great.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t know the first thing about politics!
INTERVIEWER
I’m rooting for you.
BARTHOLOMEW
(QUIETLY UPSET)
Shit! Should have taken up badminton!
(PAUSE)
I’ve got an idea…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BARTHOLOMEW
You seem keen. Let’s swap places!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m serious. You do it! You know you want to!
INTERVIEWER
It’s a generous offer, Chucklepants. But tempting as the prospect of running the country may be, unfortunately my contract with Amelia stipulates that I have to lie low.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why? What have you done?
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUS)
We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you. I’ve had my time in the limelight. My new life belongs to Amelia.
BARTHOLOMEW
Don’t you get bored?
INTERVIEWER
I fight it with cocoa and stories.
BARTHOLOMEW
Does that work?
INTERVIEWER
It’s working today!
PAUSE.
BARTHOLOMEW
(TAKES A BREATH)
I’m not going to become Prime Minister just because you find it amusing!
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes you are.
BARTHOLOMEW
No way!
INTERVIEWER
You have no choice. You have to.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why?
INTERVIEWER
It’s my condition for helping you.
BARTHOLOMEW
What?
(PAUSE)
So you are going to help me?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. After your first three days in office.
BARTHOLOMEW
(PAUSE, THEN, VERY QUICKLY)
Two days.
INTERVIEWER
Three days.
BARTHOLOMEW
(HOPEFUL)
Two and a half…?
INTERVIEWER
Deal!
BARTHOLOMEW
(SOFTLY)
Fuck.
INTERVIEWER
(IN HIS ELEMENT)
Here are some things I want you to do in the first days. You will change the voting age to include only those under the age of eighteen. You will make homosexuality mandatory for one third of the population. Benefits will be dependent on the claimant having watched all nine seasons of Seinfeld as well as the Curb Your Enthusiasm special. You will nominate an armadillo as home secretary, an alpaca as chancellor, and an alligator as minister of defence. When you receive congratulatory calls from world leaders, you will respond in a mock imitation of their language. You will inform the French president of your plans to move the Eiffel Tower to Leeds in an attempt to boost tourism in the North of England.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re loving this aren’t you?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING)
I haven’t had this much fun since we made three airplanes and the search party disappear in the Bermuda Triangle!
BARTHOLOMEW
Strange hobby you’ve got. Can’t you just take up chess or something?
INTERVIEWER
Hey! You’re the one who became leader of a political party to pass the time!
BARTHOLOMEW
How do I disappear?
INTERVIEWER
During prime minister’s questions.
BARTHOLOMEW
Seriously? There’ll be a lot of people.
INTERVIEWER
That’s the point. We need witnesses.
BARTHOLOMEW
What will happen.
INTERVIEWER
Oooh nothing much. You will be abducted by martians.
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry?!
INTERVIEWER
An aircraft will land on Houses of Parliament, a dozen or so men with green face paint will get out, burst into the House of Commons, and abduct you. We’ll fly you straight to a quiet little island in the South Pacific where you can start your new life.
BARTHOLOMEW
(HESITANT)
Isn’t that a bit… silly?
INTERVIEWER
No! It’s unbelievably silly! And it will be the perfect crowning to a surreal week! Oh, normally I’d offer you champagne at this point, but to be honest we’ve got to get cracking! No time to lose! You have to get yourself to Trafalgar Square asap to address the crowds.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SCARED)
Hold on…
INTERVIEWER
Give them a riotous, rabble rousing, knuckle cracker of a performance! You can take Joey and Salvatore as bodyguards.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SCARED)
Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER
You’ll be terrific! I’ll be in the front row, wearing an armadillo mask, cheering you on!
(HE GETS UP)
I’m going to get Alvina to book you onto Newsnight, we need to turn our van into a campaign bus and tour the country.
(ON HIS WAY OUT)
Amelia is going to throw all its resources behind you!
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Don’t just sit there! We have an election to win!
BARTHOLOMEW
(FEEBLY)
I’m coming…
THE SCENE CUTS OFF WITH A CLICK, WE’RE WITH COLE AND HAINES OF MI5.
COLE
Haines, you know what this means?
HAINES
Oh Jesus, what’s the time?
COLE
It’s… twelve forty five.
HAINES
Oh my god—It’s planned for one.
COLE
You think we can still call it off?
HAINES
We have to try.
COLE
Yeah yeah yeah—You get Frank on the line!
HAINES
Okay.
CLICK AS HE UNLOCKS HIS PHONE, WE HEAR BOTH OF THEM BREATHING HEAVILY OVER THE COURSE OF THE CONVERSATION.
HAINES
(FORCED CALM)
Where’s the number… Ah, there is is, okay, okay, okay,
(PAUSE, HEAVY BREATHING)
calling…
Ah shit.
COLE
What?
HAINES
He’s already switched his phone off.
COLE
(CURSES UNDER HIS BREATH)
Get Douglas!
HAINES
Douglas, good idea…
Come on Come on Come on…
COLE
Dougie…
HAINES
Pick up pick up pick up…
Doug! Thank God! Abort the mission crackpot! I repeat, abort mission crackpot! Yes I’m serious. We don’t have to get blood on our hands. This will be resolved another way.
(SPLUTTERING)
How? Uhm…
(COLE WHISPERS SOMETHING IN THE BACKGROUND)
Just trust me on this one okay? By tomorrow afternoon he’ll have disappeared of his own accord.
(PAUSE AS BEEPING SETS IN)
You’ll see…
MUSIC SETS IN.
CREDITS
PHILIP THORNE
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and Sound Design by Frederik Baden.
It featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Felix Trench as Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Agent Cole, Gemma Arrowsmith as the Newsreader, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone.
The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, and Spike City Studio in Oslo, and engineered by Sam Harper and Robert Rustad Amundsen.
All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen.
To keep up to date with the Amelia Project, follow us on Twitter! We’re @amelia underscore podcast and we will be posting a video of Alan and Felix swashbuckling with swords of rolled up newspaper. Oh yes.
A special cocoa-slurping thank you to Kathi Sindelar for your support. Right, for our 5$ Patrons, you will be getting something else that is exclusively for you, but we won’t reveal what here, as Amelia is all about the secrets.
BEEPING FADES OUT.